President Bump: i guess there won't be a 2020 Election. cos i already won it by default.
Joe Biden: this ensures i'm the Dem nominee...people will feel sorry for me by the end.
Bump: no, that's me.
President Bump enters the UN Hall to tepid applause. one of those not polite is Greta Thunberg who creeps on him from behind watching his every blustery bumble.
Bump: why are you scowling at me, little girl? what did i do to you? see, this is why i never had kids. they're all just a bunch of whiny sullen brats.
Greta: no, this is just my resting bitch face.
Bump: you know who the whistleblower is?
Pence: *scared, red, eyes darting left and right and left* uh......who?
Bump: Lauren Bacall.
Pence: phew. right. right, you little bitch i mean sir. that bitch was hot, sir.
Chrissy Teigen: get my name out yo mouth, you little bitch.
Pence: she's a hot bitch, too.
Bump tries to dance to the go-go music in the hall but he has two left feet and falls.
Laertus helps Dirg back up to his feet, Dirg falls again and Laertus has to drag him by the ankles Dirg's knees scraped with grass as they make it up the hill for Dirg to Indian-style-squat back down again to watch:
Thomas Middleditch is swinging Mollie Gates. on a swing on top of the hill. creating a ditch with her legs. Thomas holds the remote control.
Dirg: let go of me! i went to the hospital but i'm not sick!
Middleditch: see? i'm down-the-middle, ordinary, MOR.
Mollie: i'm the gateway...
Eye Luggage: that's hot.
Dirg: right? i mean the thing is they admit to swinging and he says the marriage BENEFITED from it. it SAVED the marriage. he is definitely my favorite Canadian now.
Laertus: hey.
Dirg: come on, you can't defend him just cos he's your guy, ya boy.
Laertus: i know, but this goes WAY BEYOND Canadian provincial politics. his is the ONLY liberal bastion left in the world, literal liberal, it must be protected no matter what! besides, are Canadian politics really that dirty? these are Canadians we're talking about here, happy hosers, everyone's nice. like New Yorkers.
Dirg: sure, never mind all that Da Vinci's Inquest stuff.
Laertus: i mean what are you supposed to do if you want to wear a costume honoring your hero? for me it's simple, i wear a cape......a Superman cape.
Ginger Kennedy: i'm in, the race i mean. i'm leading in the polls but it's early, that's pure name-recognition, i'm gonna have to work for this. i already got the Harry Potter vote nailed down, i'll just remain quiet when the subject of Ron Weasley comes up...
Dirg: aren't you just doing this to get closer to AOC?
Pence: that AOC bitch is hot. get the air conditioning up to the Cream House, it's hot!!!
Mike from The Bachelor Franchise kisses Demi Lovato's gloved hand on their Cinderella Coachella Pumpkin Coach date ahead of Halloween:
Mike: i can't believe it! ma, i made it! i mean isn't it the fact-case that the real celebrities never want to mix with the reality celebrities?
Demi: hey, i'm into mixing, i don't see race, i see your soul. who you calling fat? it's not cellulite, it's celluLIT.
Mike: don't culturally-appropriate, hon, it's not a good look on you. i know you want to impress me but you just can't get away with ANYTHING.
Eye Luggage bows.
Eye: your majesty! it's an honor and a mixed-race-privilege to have you here again at our humble podcast abode. some like me call it a castle. i'm sprinkling you with fairy dust, in my mind. i have such a huge crush on you but i won't let that interfere with my serious journalism.
Teuila Blakely: yeah well i figured. you know? i'm just lightskinned by the way. i mean Beast Morphers is such a godawful show they don't use the dirt from it to make our coffee, we have to make our own coffee ourselves from dying New Zealand volcanoes. i might as well be here on this solemn occasion.
Laertus: i am still shook over this, ma'am. i had no idea throughout the summer, to think i watched the entire World Cup blind not having a clue.
Dirg: told you not to watch that thing. the World Cup i mean. Mizz Teuila Blakely, you have a difficult name to produce.
Teuila: Pua was all of our brother.
Dirg: *hangdog* Seau Syndrome.
Teuila: uh, no. it's not a Maori thing, it's a human thing.
Eye: he looked like a rugby player, he was so strong and dark and handsome, he has all those muscles. i see what Shailene is thinking.
Dirg: Rugby World Cup? that's a thing? now you're just rubbing it in.
Teuila: it's not about the strength you show or exert or impart physically on the outside, it's what you're feeling inside, the disease doesn't know which body it's in, doesn't know if it's a famous frame.
Dirg: once you have kids you can't, you know? all i'm saying is if maybe you had comforted Pua the way you comforted that other bloke. in the jeep. a blowjob from a hot bitch can save a man. all i'm saying is a good blowjob has a funny way of chasing out a man's demons.
Teulia: i'm here to pass out the numbers, okay!?
Dirg: i've memorized every single suicide hotline number in the world. even the bottom of the world. as well as every just-plain hotline in the world...
Sally Martin comes down from the pinkclouds to the mountaintop where the podcast is being podcasted and lands her flying mud-motorbike on the apex.
Sally Martin: hi. i'm sad but i will talk. i have two first names.
Dirg: wasn't Under the Mountain filmed here!
Sally: under here.
Dirg: kids being kids.
Eye: oh, Sally, may i hug you? thanks. it's hard, you were his work wife.
Sally: i know. i loved him but hated his demons. now i find strength here with Teuila, we both have teamed up together to give it to the men once and for all! it's a Female Power Ranger's duty to deliver the business!
Laertus: hear hear, girls just want to have fun.
Dirg: and Finn. that's the last thing the Power Rangers Franchise needed: they had a real-life marriage, a conviction for murder using a porn star's samurai sword, and now this. it's complete. the circle, the orb, the chakram is complete.
Dirg: if you're a New Zealand actor slash actress, you've held two jobs and two jobs only in your career: you've been on Power Rangers and you've been on Shortland Street.
Laertus: New Zealand's ER. every country is required to have a medical drama. just like every country is required to have a show about a group of friends…
Dirg smiles.
Teuila: why is that strange dirty man-boy staring at me? yes, Shortland Street is only known for that penis episode but why am i suddenly the expert on penises?
Eye: brilliant way to end it, i love you!
Dirg: look, before you tell me to suddenly sod off, here's my card, my number's on the back if you ever need to talk. we could do a threeway line, i'm good with actresses. this is why religion is so important in life. if only Pua had prayed to Zordon before...
Jalen Ramsey: i'm sick. i'm sick out there on the field, i run, i pass, i block, and i drop-kick fools. release me from my contract.
Dirg: so you don't know where she is, right? you know on Instagram, the worse offense is when the girl has two first names. that's when you know, that's when you know.
Llywarch: take my advice, Dirg, rub your stone until it becomes red. or blue.
Gladyce: Dickshooter?
Doryce: what a lovely place to be inside in!
Gladyce: how was your leisure liner, dear?
Doryce: short on leisure and short on line, just want my people to shoot gay.
Gladyce: why are we here?
Doryce: to find a microwave for us, our old one is old. have you tried this? it's horrible. stick your nose at the corner of the microwave while it's cooking something, say, little mini hotdog sausage weinies. let the hot air waft into your nostrils. you will not be able to take the smell of wet garbage that emanates into your body and soul.
Gladyce: what are you tryna say about the length of my nose, dear? and my soul?
Madame Pons and Sue Su are traveling together trying not to Instagram the trip too much but the fans demand it. they land at The Vessel in NYC.
Madame Pons: yeah i don't know, hon, this location is so...Instagram! you know?
Sue Su: i know but i just couldn't bring myself to take a picture of me holding a bottle of my bathwater at the Harry Potter train station with the grocery cart half in the wall.
Pons stands at the first level-floor floor-level, looks up, then looks back down with concern in her eyes, and opens her video tab:
hi folks. just got in. this is wild. hear that sound? oh sorry, the video has no sound like all Yahoo videos. so apparently someone just jumped from the top floor here. see all the yellow tape? trying to get information out to you guys...seems like an egregious violation of this poor soul's privacy so i won't do that. wild. just wild, huh? makes you think. we all gotta come together at this crucial critical Cosmos time to form one Enlightenment, lift each other up. into the stars. we gotta do this together or we'll perish alone. it's not about following me, it's about joining us. i'll vid you next time. when we reach Colorado Springs, i'll show you every single fountain at the retreat. or spring as the locals call it, it'll be a fun little tour before we tackle the serious sex stuff. tantric therapy. healing sex.
Sue Su: *sly eye* oooooh now i get it.
Eye: what were we talking about last week?
Tyzik: oh just about Jon Cryer. the Demi thing, right?
Dirg: i know! why would you NOT admit to letting Demi take your virginity!? that's as awesome as it gets!
Eye: that's hot.
Laertus: that's the REAL nerd/babe hookup!
Laertus: at first i seriously thought Cryer was gonna say HE was the threesome that broke Demi and Ashton up!
Tyzik: if it floats, it burns. Bless The Harts: this cartoon is only being made in the Bump Era! this show would simply NEVER BE MADE otherwise!
Dirg: yep, just ask Mike Judge.
Eye: The Master, go.
Laertus: WOW! i thought they didn't make films like this anymore! i mean this is like those old '40s dramas except colorized. this is Casablanca colorized!
Dirg: this is Spinel colorized! not racist! nor recast! really should just call it The Antichrist. but Lars got there first. or The Cult Not The Band. or Celebrity Cult making it clear this isn't about our President.
Laertus: yeah, it's high time for that film about TMZ. couldn't be worse than the FIFA film.
Eye: when Joaquin walks out of the room, don't take it as a slight.
Dirg: why are you looking at me? why is everyone looking at me? he was preparing for Joker with that one-on-one with Philip Seymour Hoffman May Zordon Rest His Soul.
Laertus: poor bloke, it was such a stellar iconic performance, i wonder if he knew inside that he only had a short time left, he was leaving it all out there on the table, the card table, all his acting ooze wetting the screen. two tours de force, what happens when a handball and a brick wall collide? do they come together? Joaquin created his future, The Cause works!
Eye: does it have to be about Scientology tho? L Ron Hubbard just looks like my uncle. i tend to side with the female reviewers who saw the relationship: it was simply a love story between two men, it doesn't have to be more than that cos that's enough, and that's fucking hot.
Laertus: yeah i mean an audit for taxes is quite normal. right, Dirg?
Dirg: sarcastic ha ha. okay so Joker starts out and sets out, he is lost after the war, i feel him, i'm not myself when i'm not in a war. that was the original source-material book where Disney's Little Mermaid came from, the man making a woman out of sand and fucking her sand tits, that's where the term "sandy vagina" originated. sand woman is perfect woman.
Laertus: she can still talk back believe me! i hear Mother Nature everytime i put my ear to my pillow. he creates some salty hooch, just more reason that Prohibition was boneheaded, leave it to the professionals.
Eye: i love how Joa just casually saunters onto a boat. you know, just randomly hops on a boat lined with Christmas lights with one Mario jump and his adventure begins, very video-game.
Dirg: okay there are some scenes in this that are meant to be dramatic---painfully dramatic---but just come off as intensely hilarious cos it's Joaquin delivering the lines. like the one where he's taking the Rorschach test and everything is just balls deep in pussy to him.
Laertus: i know, how that test proctor was able to keep a straight face is beyond me. it's a frickin' Draw-a-Person test.
Dirg: he'd just laugh at "proctor." no wonder he flipped out, you can't take those memeable family portrait photos all day and not snap. snap, get it? that girl, she had a nectarine belly? was that some code word for abortion in those days?
Laertus: i'll play PSH, the greatest actor of his generation, you play Joaquin Joker:
Laertus: why'd you do it? why'd you fuck your aunt?
Dirg: COS SHE LOOKED GOOD! *laughs* sorry, that's hilarious!
Dirg: and see, this is another scene. see what i mean? when Joaquin comes back home in his Popeye sailor hat, he sits on a bench with his young lost love. this girl is like a giant amazon compared to Joaquin, i don't know if PTA screwed up with the film perspective or what, but Joaquin looks like a little kid in his cute Navy boat-shaped hat and navy-blue baby-clothes like he should be sucking a swirly lollipop with the Little Rascals and Tom and Jerry and the maid! see? frickin' hilarious! i like his alpha ways, back when men were men, he just goes right up to random women and writes down that he wants to fuck them. random ginger women trying to learn Scientology with a tape course like it's vocal meditation on how to lose anxiety by an Australian. and me, yes me, i didn't buy all that nudity, the nude dream scenes---or drugged scenes, whatever---they were forced to me. i liked when he called the dude a pigfuck, i use that often in polite discourse. what's with the turning of the eye color?, that was creepy. that's some Satanic shit going right there, that proves it.
Laertus: nah, it's just like the turning of the Stones. it's just deepfake. real-life deepfake.
Dirg: okay the BEST part! when she makes him cum, when fully-clothed wifey grabs fully-clothed husbando's dick and doesn't let go by the mirror and she doesn't stop rubbing and pulling till dude leans back, gets more red-faced than PSH is normally, and cums. THAT, my friends, is realistic sex between a husband and wife in a marriage of 40 years! that was brilliant!
Eye: ...
Dirg: and another thing! okay, another funny scene. when it's Joker and Freddie Mercury one-on-one mano-a-mano in chairs staring at each other in the face sizing each other up, bulldog eyes burning, Joaquin half-laughs when he's threatening Freddie and it's just too unbelievable to take the threat seriously. that's a chuckle moment.
Eye: chaos chairs. the prison scene, my poor Joaquin really hit his head HARD on that board, that explains his weird behavior on Letterman, he REALLY DID get a concussion!
Dirg: Doris Day, hilarious.
Laertus: it's James Dean vs. Orson Welles, which acting school will win!? then they go to the desert! hot-rodding for Jesus and all the lost souls lost there! the film becomes Mad Max all of a sudden! i mean it's gotta hurt when your best friend tells you when you both die, you're gonna fight each other in Heaven. you know what brought these two complete strangers together in the first place? you know what that drink was? the first Pumpkin Spice Latte. who amongst us has no master? i'd like to meet him.
Dirg: God doesn't. Zordon, Bump, Codrus, whatever your name for Him.
Laertus: good on that naked woman in the end! she's a little chubby but she decides to do the scene anyway against the wishes of her agent and family. she's living her dream. bring it home for the fatbottomed girls!
Eye: she's Rubenesque and angelic thank you very much. you don't turn down Joaquin no matter your body type. when he was telling her to say her full name, she should have said, "your full name."
Dirg: turns out the meaning of life is getting your cock back in the vagina after it falls out.
Eye: don't i know it. more like spills out. i don't see Maya Rudolph with the director.
Laertus: i do, they balance each other out, comedy with drama, yin and yang.
at the con, Laertus is holding his friend Dirg's collar by his enveloping arm:
Dirg: i DEMAND to see Borderlands 3! unredacted! i DEMAND all the characters be clown chicks with moveable lady-bits that you can move around like the Triforce!
Laertus: buddy you seem drunk. are you crying?
Dirg: i haven't drunk a thing!
Laertus: you don't look good. i mean, your body size, i know you're normally fat with those weirdly-muscular track-athletic little T-Rex arms but you seem bloated now.
Dirg: *crying* HOW DARE YOU!!!
Laertus: in your case, it's unhealthy. what have you eaten in just this past hour?
Dirg: i ate all the Popeye's Chicken Sandwiches cos they said they would run out and never serve them again! that turned out to be a lie! just another brilliant Boondocks promotion! i'll never eat chicken again, i swear!
Laertus: do you promise to stop calling them samiches?
Dirg: *sniffle* yes.
Laertus: that's it, we're getting Mountain Dew in you right now!!! we need help! this man is urgent! he needs Mountain Dew in his mouth yesterday or he won't be able to wash it all down!
No comments:
Post a Comment