TMIT: AND NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

1. do you agree or disagree with the following statement? why?: sex is a difficult topic for partners to discuss, yet sex can draw couples closer together.

true. it can be an icky subject to broach. but you kinda have to if you want to ensure that you're giving your partner the juiciest pleasure possible. take me for instance:

take my wife please. just kidding. so like one day we're having a coffee at the Vanity Fair offices and she tells me she likes it only after i drink a bottle of Ensure first. she has a Jamie Lee Curtis fetish she explains and it makes perfect sense, i have that same fetish. it's these kinds of little things which strengthen our sexual bond. her Ensure is my pineapple on pizza.

all's fair and all that so she asks me. i tell her i like draw. i like the draw of a certain type of brand vape. so that's what we do, she gets me a wooden vaper that catches on fire.

2. who did you first come out to and why did you choose that person? my cat. cos my cat talks and that's fucking awesome. see all cats talk, it's just we humans never think to talk to them. also, cats will only talk when they think our response would be edifiying in some way to catkind which is almost nearly never.

i told my cat i was a sex addict and she scoffed at me and returned to her toy mouse. later, we played catch with the toy mouse. she never lost energy and my arm went out, i threw that mouse so many times in the air it turned into a toy bat...

3. has someone come out to you? what was your reaction? this was a daily occurrence in my Berkeley years. i comforted them and we went out for acai spritzers later at Krazy Klatsch on campus. there we prank-called their parents and that always made them feel better.

4. recent studies have shown that smartphones are causing decreased intimacy amongst partners. in your relationship is the smartphone a saboteur or helping hand?

i don't have a smartphone. at the Apple Store the Genius was on my (phone) case urging me to get the one with the phone included but i figured no one has ever called me my entire life so i just needed the ipad. mini.

my ipad mini allows me the helping hand i need for my hand to masturbate. and one time it came out to me by jumping out of the screen with a rapier and handlebar mustache and a Three Musketeers tricorn hat with flowing feather and buckle.

5. tell us something you do that could cause someone to say, "what will the neighbors think?":

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6. what was your most recent motivation for masturbation? meditation

BONUS: do you regularly view porn? what's regular?

you know those ipad-mini news alerts that come on your phone? well for me i get an alert whenever there's a new porn on the internet.

i miss Regular Show. how is it that there was a Steven Universe/Uncle Grandpa crossover but there was never a Regular Show/Adventure Time crossover?

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