once upon a time, in an ancient magical park called Manhattanhenge, a young woman was sitting down on a bench. her back was killing her---she had just come from her strenuous yoga class performed outside in the sweltering heat for some reason---and just wanted a nice quiet cool spot to relax and unwind and stretch her back out for a few hours. more than anything else, she needed peace and quiet. or the therapy wouldn't stick.
this woman was surprised that nobody else seemed to be at the park.
woman: is it the recession? that old men have given up on chess and just focus now on checkers to lure in their girlfriends 30 years their juniors? nobody goes to the park anymore, the minute you try to fly a box kite it catches on fire in the atmosphere. Noah has stopped building in this heat.
a couple of squirrels approach, then a whole army.
woman: LOOK OUT, PEANUT BUTTER FALCON!!!
squirrels: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
woman: just kidding. peanut butter?
squirrels: no, peanuts, ma'am. wait, you have Peanut Butter Kit Kat? we feel there should have been Peanut Butter Kit Kats by now.
woman: here you go, here are some peanuts. why do you like peanuts so much?
squirrels: we want to go to the Little League World Series.
woman: aw that's cute, you want to run around on that field and distract the Other Team.
squirrels: no, we all want to be professional baseball players, that's why we love peanuts so much.
Squirrel Man bringing a bouquet of grapes accosts the poor woman forcefully and romantically.
Squirrel Man: this is not a romance scam. is that my heart taking a tumble in my chest or is it the stock market?
woman: hold up, do i look like a moose to you? how rude!
Squirrel Man: your face and body are fine, i'm more in it for the personality.
woman: will Chris Hayes finally wear pants tonight?
Squirrel Man: i only care about head.
woman: i get it. this was bound to happen. i have one of those faces that attracts the basement freaks. okay, so which furry convention did you crawl out of? the Seattle one? the first one? the Lisa Ling one?
Squirrel Man: furry? the only thing that gets furry on my body is my perineum when i don't wipe properly.
woman: so you're a racist, you think i'll only go for guys who are brown?
Squirrel Man: the animal kingdom doesn't recognize race. we could learn a lot from them.
woman: where are you taking me on our first date? let's go to Wendy's, motherfucker, spicy nugs are back!
Squirrel Man: you are very cruel to us. when you said nugs we thought you said nuts. we can't eat spicy foods. the last time our race ate spicy nugs we all became flying squirrels.
woman: ...and the Baconator.
Squirrel Man: stop eating meat! you're killing the planet!
woman: happy weekend, baby.
Squirrel Man: happy weekend, baby.
the woman goes to remove the squirrel head. but that's his real head...
Squirrel Man: OUCH!
woman: fuck me, it's like the Santa Claus beard thing. what are you?
Squirrel Man: Squirrel Man.
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