Friday, August 16, 2019



* we can all agree Harry Styles should have been on Skins.

* or Les Peaux

* Phoenix: speaking French will make you even sexier.
Harry Styles: but i don't wanna. i feel i'm betraying my English roots. the Brexit thing and all.
Phoenix: listen man, Bradley Cooper was just another no-name cipher pretty boy in Hollywood till he started speaking French in interviews…

* Harry: hey kids, look how the light shimmies across the angles of this Old World medieval stone English i mean French castle that dots the Parisian landscape. this is called Manhattanhenge.
French soldier from Monty Python: i spit in your general One direction! through the slit of Manhattanhenge!

* Harry Styles: this is really making me want to sing "Castle On The Hill" for you guys.
entourage: is that one yours?
Harry: sure, i mean we all share songs in the community, there's no originality anymore, we all just steal from John Lennon and swap amongst ourselves waiting for our SNL gig. wait, do i know how to play an instrument? i forgot.

* everything else is a smell, only in France is it an odor.

* mantra from David Bowie from beyond the grave!!!

* Harry: sorry for my jumpy leg, i just got back from skiing the Alps of the Matterhorn ride.

* Harry: hey, this isn't a demonic ritual. there's no such thing as Satanism, we're just young! it's saran wrap, not Satan wrap! the Satanist caregivers/teachers at the elementary school? nothing, all a hoax.
Harry: oh yeah, Prince Harry! we should be friends obviously!
William: it's me.
Harry: damn. oh look, i do play the guitar! the folk hippie guitar. see? we millennials know our history! stop dumping on us in the British rags!

* Harry: this is my mother Ivory. get it? she tells me what to do, but she's an ASMR legend on youtube so...

* Bowie: is there a heaven?
John Lennon: Bowie, where are you?

* flower-child girl: stop pulling my arms! we had to leave the picnic so fast i put on the checkerboard picnic blanket as my dress!

* black kid: come on, man. at least let me replace Zayn.

* entourage: *hands* this is a bottle of Gucci Odor. it's odorless.
Phoenix: *gargling* wait a minute, this is mint mouthwash!
entourage: damn. we were told in our notes you were the cool director who never brushed his teeth.

* Harry: imma do the Party Monster reboot. and the Donnie Darko reboot!
Macaulay Culkin: not fair, dude. just cos i was homeless for a spell they tell me they're NOT doing the Home Alone reboot cos i'm too old for the part!
Macaulay puts Gucci Odor on his cheeks.
Jake Gyllenhaal: shade, man, shade. get me back in the shade in a white tropical outhouse next to a palm tree, i'm not done making ASMR philosophical perfume commercials!
girl wearing rabbit head: i'm a bunny. literally. tricks are for kids.

* Cassie from Skins frolicking in the wheatfields : my hair was so blonde on the show it outshone the sun.
Phoenix: what are you chanting?
Cassie: get me the hell outta here!

* Phoenix: next shot. running a train. not what you think.

* Harry: oh come on! JRR Tolkien gets to be naked with the chick!!?
young JRR Tolkien: write a nerd book before you get with the babes. you have to actually be on Skins first, mate! or at least that American Skins on HBO.

* baldheaded chick: we worship Mother Sun. that's why i wear no sunblock on my hair…

* Cassie: hey. i like James Bond as well as the next bloke but the fossil fuels, man. gotta be freer and more spirity.

* Cook from Skins: dykes kissing? check. mudshark-jumping? check. and me in my flower pants.

* blonde: i look like that Painted Bird Russian chick from those Olympic gymnastics games in Ukraine.
entourage bangs. the drums.
The Master: yes? Bowie, what are you doing to me!!?
entourage: we gonna do that thing where we stand naked with our Sun Discs out to protest the Current Administration.

* Harry: so turns out i can't really dance. sorry. i dance like Bono. hey, no waterguns!
entourage: but they're filled with pee.
Harry: oh watersports sex? kay den.

* Harry: memory of my odor...…...i farted...


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: steak n eggs at Denny's. you know i've never actually had steak and eggs before. together on the same plate. for breakfast. the ad shows sunny-side-up eggs but does it still count if they're scrambled? speaking of scrambled, i just know Conor McGregor's gonna enter when i do and beat the shit out of me in front of two grandmas for the booth seat.


Jules said...

And French in an English accent is something else *)

the late phoenix said...

that's you and me fucking in a Burger King bathroom and then having smokes and Impossible Whoppers together after...*)