notes:
* it's essential...i mean...it's the name of a territory out of Conan the Barbarian
* narrator: you know that thing?
Phoenix: who, me? i'm in the car now.
narrator: buckle up or you'll have to pay a fine with the bad cop with the mustache grilling you under his pen flashlight and then you'll have to move back in with your mom cos you can't pay the costs and have to make an embarrassing call to JG Wentworth to get your damn money now while your mom is doing your smelly laundry with pink curlers in her hair and she slides the laundry basket under your bunny-slippered feet.
Phoenix: that sounds like a nice life to me.
narrator: you'll never get another date again...
* that girl would have been Beyoncé...she looks like Beyonce, too...
* i'm a white dude with long blond hair, so i'm either a Cobain-wannabe guitar-player or a surfer
* narrator: what is the thing you want to do forever?
Phoenix: write. i've discovered that writing is my thing. for better or worse, it's the only thing i care about, it's my therapy and my curse and my weight around my neck. it's hard and satisfying at the same time. i fear it and embrace it and love it and hate it. it's prevented me from having normal relationships yet that is the very thing which enriches my writing.
narrator: sounds like you got it all figured out, you don't need me, why am i even here?
Phoenix: you should do anime with that voice. there's gonna be a lot of work opening up with the whole Vic thing.
narrator: you know the one thing humans can't live without?
Phoenix: a passion for something.
narrator: no, water.
* narrator: what keeps you up early? and late for that matter?
Phoenix: masturbation. it's like coffee for me, can't start my day without it.
narrator: *double take* oh. i heard you had given up coffee, i thought you were gonna say you switched to tea.
* narrator: what would make you sick if someone else did it first?
Phoenix: Choose Your Own Adventure. i swear i came up with that first but i was born too late and RA Montgomery stole my glory. i hear he's a nice guy tho and is in his own feud with Edward Packard so it's all Essentia water under the bridge. Drake made Canada cool, like United-States-level-cool, which isn't easy to do. also, Elon Musk. at first everyone wants to be Elon Musk but then you realize Elon Musk is a complete asshole but then again he wouldn't be where he is if he WEREN'T a complete asshole so therein lies the tradeoff and the rub of irony.
narrator: the correct answer is lozenges.
* narrator: what do you want to do forever?
Phoenix: blog.
narrator: what scares you?
Phoenix: me.
narrator: eventually that thing that's yours will be done by someone else.
Phoenix: yes but there is nothing new under the sun, don't you read the Bible?
narrator: i'm an atheist sci-fi nerd, the only bible i read is the ALF Season 2 bible.
* narrator: do you have a permit to create steampunk on this NYC roof?
Phoenix: chill, dreams don't need permits. no, like i said i've never met Cuba. no selfies.
narrator: don't sing opera while driving.
Phoenix: hey, you already admonished me for texting, can't a millennial have any fun anymore?
* narrator: someone's gonna be first.
Phoenix: but i shall be last.
* Steph Curry: i ruined the game.
KD: and i ruined my Achilles.
Mahomes: i got robbed. it should have been me, not more Tom Brady. the Brady thing is too much, it's quickly turning into a Winklevii situation, you know?
* only marathons run at night count, there's swimming and then there's Gattaca swimming, but can you do an onion volcano?, the electric violin is not a real violin, bulls like red they just don't like you, boxing is dead and makes you dead and only counts if you get into the Boxing Hall of Fame
* narrator: someone's gonna stop time.
drummer: Time doesn't exist. anyone can stop Time.
narrator: …
* all kidding aside, this motivated me more than any commercial before or since. this was a Nick-Nurse-level pep talk. it really got me going, made me want to do good, write something brilliant, eat a whole pizza in one bite, something bold. I AM BOLD!!!
CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
happy weekend, my babies
NEXT TWO DAYS: i REALLY need for Rory to win. to be good while Tiger is good, too, you know? both good at the same time, we need that real matchup again. you can call Rory Irish Phil, he doesn't mind, he told me. besides, all Irishmen are called Phil anyway.
TOMORROW: okay, so McDonald's is offering McDuh from all around the world, which saves on frequent flyer-miles so i appreciate you MickeyDee's, good lookin' out. not everyone can be an Instagram Traveler. cheesy fries from New Zealand i'll save for Zealand Hunk from Ballykissangel's dying-ember years, the Spanish Quarter Pounder is just a quarter-pounder with a different cheese, the Chicken Sandwich from Canada has bacon but no maple syrup---and a tomatillo is just a tomato. Stroopwaffel McFlurry, that's the kind of dessert you have just before 18 holes of miniature golf.
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