TMIT: ALICE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE

that's not Kristen Wiig in the reboot.........and a James Gandolfini in an alternate universe who dieted and slimmed down and kept healthy and got past his demons

1. how many sexual partners do you currently have? not counting myself, zero. but you should always count, right? you should always count on yourself, that's what Oprah and Marie Kondo say. i'm a real zero...

2. do you have any secret sexy kinks you have not told a current lover, and why are you so secretive?
a) i don't want to do my kinks with my current partner
b) partner would be shocked
c) partner may get upset
d) i have no secrets

partner didn't get upset, but she got an upset-stomach. gave her some rainbow Tums, but they were like 10 years old and dusty. i HAD no secrets, but then i tried Secret gel on my armpits. i felt clean, but then i felt dirty, you know? i like to make love with Mott the Hoople in the background, sometimes the music gets real loud, but it ain't shit-kicking music. my stepfather threw me into my own 9th-birthday-birthday-table but it was out of love, he only wanted me to play the best A-flat minor on the indoor cowboy guitar that i could. i showed him my hands and told him my hands were not made for such things, he talked about throwing hands...he taught me how to shuffle. cards, not ipod music.

3. have you ever been naked in public? (eg nude beach, nudist camp, randomly)
a) yes, i loved it
b) yes but not again, never again!
c) no but would consider it
d) no would never

i live in a retirement community...…...so as such there are nudist camps everywhere: nudist coffee shops, nudist police stations, nudist ASPCAs. the only place there ISN'T any nudity is Mel's Diner, which disappoints the ass-pinching cowboys. what is the original kid from the movie thinking? he gets to be in ONE episode---the pilot episode---of the show before they switch him with another son while MEL HIMSELF gets to do BOTH the film and the whole show and becomes famous! kid with glasses is kicking himself in the baseball-diamond sand you see in the first episode's end credits right now.

4. when at home i prefer to be a) naked b) dressed

in my cowboy boots. just my cowboy boots. my stepdad turned to me one night after a cigarette burn from his new lover---my mom---left a big singe-hole in his plaid shirtpocket just laying there sitting there resting there on his shoulder. the old jokes of a bully fucking your moms last night don't apply here. he told me,

"son, freedom is having nothing left to lose..."

then he told us---mom and me in the motel---that the girl in the The Bodyguard poster wasn't Whitney. i mean how could he have known that in the '70s?

never saw him again, he went rescuing a gaggle of turkeys who were drowning cos they were drinking too much rainwater when they turned their heads upward toward the cloudy sky...

5. would you rather wrestle naked in a pool of Jello or chocolate pudding? after the Cosby thing, i vowed never to do that again...

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