Wednesday, June 26, 2019

GINGER BREAD: THE GARDEN OF DELIGHTS IS A GREENHOUSE


Dirg: The Dalai Lama, despite everything that he is, is still a man. i'm glad someone of his stature came over to our side, lends us credibility. to bag a Being Of Mueller's Mystical Level like The D.L., well, what can i say? we finally got one in our column.

Laertus: DL stands for Disabled List...

Obec College Professor: today's lesson: will the new rules becoming less-stringent help or hurt the new tv shows coming down the pike? will the fact that "shit" can now be said on network tv hurt comedies?

Dirg raises his one hand.

Dirg: it will now make dramas hilarious. but it will hurt comedies. it's always funnier when the shit is bleeped than when it's actually said.

Laertus: tis true. take The Boondocks for instance. you actually don't feel the impact of the shit when it's said, you only feel it when it's bleeped out.

Molly Qerim: why are you still staring at me? you were banned from this studio.

LaVar Ball: *grinning* you said focus so i'm focusing. staring to avoid stealing. cos i ain't starring no mo. making sure you don't steal my house.

Molly Q: this is my house.

at the rally:

Bernie Sanders: okay, here's the deal, America. i mean i'll make you a deal, America: all or nothing, i'll wear the blue fish-fry shirt ONLY IF Ben & Jerry's brings back the orange Droog sherbet to represent our present dystopian times. i cringe whenever i don't see that flavor on my ice shelf.

Biden: come on, man, wear the shirt, even I had to wear the shirt, and i'm older than Cleopatra. *looking up to a sky filled with chariots of fire* Cleopatra was hot.

President Bump: what's the deal with all those Best Buy employees in a gaggle on stage over there like that? is there a sale? i ban all sales! that's how Murica will get rich again!

at the debates:

Chris Matthews: i don't know which word to open with: scared or fight night?

when 4PM rolls around:

Chris Matthews: scared. *he pauses for 5 minutes* fight night.

Chris makes the waving motion like he wants the home audience to come with him backstage to the MSNBC luncheonette breakroom to see something...

Marianne Williamson wears a green diamond on her forehead. Pearl from Steven Universe cheers her on from the stands.

Marianne: i don't need a riser thank you, i'm gonna float just above the foot of the stand for the two hours, meditating internally as i speak.

Baba Vanga with a tooth missing from her mouth that's in her forehead saunters into the auditorium rows and sits down center-front-first-aisle. she stares at Marianne and smiles with her broken sweet smile.

Baba: oh my child, YOU are something special, you represent LOVE, not politics, you are a delight! come under my wing, i'm only two-feet high but my cloak is big enough for the two of us. wanna get outta here? i mean, like, disappear with me and poof! appear with me again at my villa in the overhang-cliff of the Homecountry Mountains.

Marianne: i dreamt about you coming like this, it was both a sexual and non-moist dream. a voice kept telling me, "tell 'em Jill sent ya.."

Bab: my boss? i mean never mind all that, you are clearly ripe for witchhhood. shit, you would make Guildmistress the minute you touched your first broom!

Marianne: well i've been my local county's Chessmistress for 40 years straight now 15 years lesbian, so...i guess it's time for new adventures. lead the way, funny old hag, to my destiny! the journey---for me---never ends...

Baba: okay, deary, but, um, just to let you know before we start...i'm not into all that newfangled New Age tentacles you kids are into nowadays, i'm strictly Old Skool, i use the dust from my bones as spell-sand. not gotten at LUSH.

the two leave...nobody notices that they were ever there...

Robert De Niro: *on the phone* around the horn, coatcheck girl with the peppermint hat. hello? is Bob there? it's Bob.

Mueller: *in his secret sliding library* who? who is this? how'd you get my private number? i'm private.

De Niro: yeah, so thanks, Bob, i need your day-long public testimony for character-background before i start playing you. i'm lazy, see, i don't read the script anymore, i don't study, i'm too old for that shit, when does it come time for me to go on vacation and relax from paying my dues? i'd rather watch the movie than read the book.

Mueller: my character is stellar and exemplary. you know I am the real tough-guy here, Bob. i mean i'm the one going in front of Congress live for hours and hours like it was some sort of PBS fishing special with just me in the chair! no lawyers! you couldn't do that on your best boxing day!

De Niro: funny you should mention that, i'm here in Britain…

Bump: *hanging off the Cream House Rotunda Romeo-+-Juliet hedge-maze balcony* ahhhh, nothing i enjoy more than spending an evening alone drinking pinot and watching Pinoe play soccer in the World Cup. but why does she have pink hair? is she a female or something?

Eye Luggage: i love that Marta wore red lipstick on her lips for her final match. and we are lucky enough to have Marta right here in podcast-studio! it is an honor, senorita! your red lipstick is all the Red Circle we need! all the rage. and the rouge. so, tell me, why'd you do it?

Bump: i know why, all the whores i've ever done in San Francisco wore that same red lipstick. it's to virtue-signal dominance in bed.

Marta: this is to all the young girls out there---in Brazil but frankly, i'll take them from anywhere at this point! i wore this red lipstick on my lips so you'd LISTEN to what i SAID with my mouth, not with my feet! hear my message: only YOU can save soccer!

Bump: smoke in our National Forests. go find a bear in the woods. can you imagine if the U.S. wins that match against France IN France this Friday? the entire 90-minutes the crowd in there in the stands is gonna be screaming at the top of their European-smoke-filled lungs AGAINST our girls. i hope Megan Rapinoe does well, i really do, her last name doesn't exist, i hope she scores two goals...that aren't penalty kicks. penalty kicks are cheap, they aren't real goals, only goals that are actually scored form the field should count as goals, i like real heroes...do away with Corner Kicks that capture the goalie, the rule should be if the ball goes out in the Corner Kick Corner you have to buy a concession at the traveling concession stand in the stands. at least one popcorn and burger. if France loses, they will literally burn the field down, all the grass will be one big bonfire.

Pence: too soon, sir, i am deathly afraid i'm gonna lose my job next election. what the fuck *bleeped* will become of me then?

Dirg: i agree with you, sir prez. also, the goalposts should be rubber to make it easier to score goals for the poor women.

Laertus: your head is made of rubber. both of them. that's why you can't masturbate properly, you can never cum. V.A.R., we finally have proof that not EVEYTHING gets better with technology.

Eye: ah, women's football, my paradise! what a potter's field of gold nuggets! where everyone on the field is either lesbian or questioning and they ALL have tattoos, you might not see where they are on their bodies, but believe me, they ALL have tattoos…

Holzhauer is sneaking around Vegas in a room he is unfamiliar with:

Holzhauer: *looks at cards* umm, what is Straight Flush?

shadow dealer who looks familiar: what? you just revealed your hand! i was about to give you a Yu-Gi-Oh card. do you know the chances of receiving a natural straight flush with no wild cards?

Holzhauer: i do know those odds: it's like 0.01 or something. sorry, i'm not used to this type of gambling. i do sports betting.

Ken: *on the phone in a shady lobby with the bay windows on the indoor elevator open* YOU LOST IT!!?

Holzhauer: my mind, yes, and the money, yes, but i'll get the money back, the Debates are coming up, i'll make it up there.

Ken: i take solace only in knowing that all the money you lost was your own, so i'm still the money champ of all time. you said you'd deliver. you said you knew a man...

at Alex Trebek's hospital bed, Vic Mignogna is reluctant to hold Alex's hand again despite warnings to the contrary from both doctors and physicians. and faithless spiritual healers. and Ken.

Ken: i told you i'd be back. i'm everywhere. and nowhere. i ken things. and hear things. in the wind. i viddy things. wait, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING!!?

Vic steps out into the hospital overhang-spotlight in a fully-bodied limb-capacity mobile and 100% lyric-liable-pliable-rubber cosplay suit of Broly.

Vic: i like to wear my Broly suit out in public whenever i can, this was the last time i had fun at a convention being the lovable anime freak i am and everyone knew me as. after that appearance, my personal life went downhill and my legal bills piled up. i am the first person---American or Japanese---who has ever been by a court of law banned from anime. i used to be king of the fucking mountain in the field. i was the court-jester in my circles.

Ken: now you're the queen. tilling the field. and your head is spinning in circles. is that rubber comfortable? is it breathable?

Vic: no it is not...*puts his rubber-glove hands up* i can't breathe…

Vic hugs Alex Trebek with all his might, despite all his qualms, a full bodysuit hug, with foam-fingered-gloves-for-hands included in the hug.

Alex's eyes are heavy and laden and have been closed for some time now. he has been sleeping for a very long time...

Ken: this is not good. this is grim, his hands are clammy, he hasn't moved, his breath under his mustache is cold and grey. time is running out! we must save Alex Trebek!!! your touches aren't doing it for him anymore, we need more power, captain coo-coo. we need a REAL celebrity to power the cure!

the shadowy figure in the corner of the hospital room continues to be shadowy and doesn't get up from the seat, though you can hear the shuffling of feet as legs are crossed, just out-of-view of the center spotlight.

Laertus: *on his Pear watch* that's the thing with Instagram.

Llywarch: *on his Pear watch* what was that? i can only conceive of you as a bodyless voice, this is scary and unsettling. you're just a series of echoes. where am i? what room is this? is anybody out there? i don't really care about Instagram anymore! i want my beloved friend back! have you made the decision yet? i have this feeling in the pit of my goat stomach: like it's like i am so hungry to eat something but then i realize i don't eat...

Laertus: yeah that's the thing with Instagram. like, you go off Instagram for two months, then the people pester you and pepper you with questions about where the hell you've been doing for two months, and you reply that you went on vacation, and they're like: "isn't that the POINT of Instagram!!? to show US your life, to POST your damn vacation pics!!?"

Eye: anime roundup, go.

Dirg: what's the deal with all the Naruto Shippuden videos on youtube!!? every single video! EVERY SINGLE FULL EPISODE of the show posted on youtube is the same way! be a polite post-host! they all have this weird voice-track where the voices don't match up with the picture onscreen, like the voices are 5-minutes-ahead of the film-track. no matter who the channel-name is, they ALL post the same useless video!

Eye: Conan the Barbarian, go. i had to watch this single without my Harley Hammer and it sucked!

Anjelica Huston wearing a bird's nest for hair: why can't i get confirmed? you know, i've lobbed some serious accusations and nobody takes me seriously. guess they weren't pretty enough. cos i'm only the daughter of the man who gave us The Other Side of the Wind. who(m) do i have to fuck to get noticed about my credible claims of sexual abuse? honey i've seen things in my 15 30 65 years in Hollywood and on Hollywood sets, i've seen it all, honey, i got stories to tell you wouldn't believe! i got dirt on ALL the men! Conan? he is a bit much on the machismo scale, it all just toppled over into farce. it reminded me of my nephew, a young boy who greeted me the other morning by sliding down the banister of our stairs, picking up the hat-stand we keep by the portico of our hallway front-door which is a lobby, and swinging it around wildly recklessly swervingly crashing all my mirrors nearly decapitating me, him declaring: I'M THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE!!! see, therein is the problem, that's the problem with society: girls don't do that.

Doryce and Gladyce: she's one of us! has to be!

MEANWHILE E. Jean Carroll holds her umbrella up in the center of the Hong Kong protests. Cecily Strong gives the fist-bump of Girl Power to her from the stands. Kenan Thompson is there, too, but is preoccupied internally in his mind with something else:

Kenan Thompson: great, now i can't play Big Papi again, either! what am i gonna do for work?

Dirg: i'm glad John Milius is finally getting his due, it pains liberals to admit that he's as talented as Spielberg and Lucas. he actually was the secret deep-state head of the mafia, the USC Mafia. he went against the grain, he fought that '70s feminism tooth-and-nail. and sword. the Woman Movement moved. out of the way. it was a return to normalcy.

Laertus: disturbingly, a lot of British youth ate up this movie in droves. it influenced an entire generation of boys, the future Brexiters.

Dirg: good on ya, mate yutes. Arnold's accent had the opposite effect the film-critic illuminati desired, it actually disarmed the character, made him palatable, made him sweet and goofy. sex in this film was realistic, that's what happens when you try to lay down with a witch…

Laertus: i was all set to slam deeply this hammy muscley sword-and-sandal wannabe, but i have to admit: the character of Valeria saves this piece. from being shit. she is a dynamite dynamic character.

Dirg: she's what all women should strive to be, she's the TRUE independent woman who can take care of herself but doesn't mind taking roles when it comes to the lovin'. she believes in service.

Laertus: her scene where she talks about loneliness, and passing the other yellow caravans of lovers down the line only seeing the love though their silhouette shadows along the sand-path, is VERY effective, that is some great dialogue, i'm sure it was Oliver Stone who wrote those lines. she adds humanity to the film, she needs to constantly appear strong to survive this world but deep-down she wants to love as any woman wants to love: tenderly. as she says herself, she found warmth in this brutal world with Conan and doesn't want to lose it. or him. then of course they kill her off cos that's the only way to invoke the revenge plot. kill off the best character by far.

Dirg: she won, conquered, two planets: the Golden Globe and the Saturn. but she should have won the Big One. i heard Sandahl Bergman---relation to Ingmar, right?---was an American Gladiators extra before this happened to her.

Eye: i have a crush on her, for all the reasons. i admit, that scene where they're fighting off the spirits come from Hell to take Conan to the Underworld was effective. i wanted my darling Harley Hammer to get those same face-tattoos before Mike Tyson did. and the music was good, i actually bought the soundtrack. the cassette tape.

Dirg: Conan's mom was a porn star. in France. but come on! there is no way in those times a black man would command all the power respect and prestige he had as the snakehead of that cult!

Laertus: hey man, the black man had black magic, right?

Dirg: what was the answer to the Riddle of Steel anyway?

Laertus: the hand, that you masturbate yourself with. and what was with all that Christ imagery? Christ! come on! on-the-nose much?

Dirg: Milius is a punkass who pussed out, the original print was WAY more violent and bloody, but he had to make concessions to get it released. it should have been more like the original source-material, those dark unsympathetic comics i love and pattern my own work after.

Laertus: and then of course it all ends in a perfectly fascist Nazi cascading of steps-staircase. propaganda prop. like we were back in WWII all over again just for kicks. white symbols lurking everywhere.

Dirg: Milius has stated he is so on The Right that he's essentially an anarchist. a Romantic anarchist who believes in true love and loyalty above all else, all other virtues. the 19th century: when life was good. he reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson but with a little Stephen A. Smith.

Laertus: that's the thing, eventually The Left and The Right will come together, they'll collide into each other because they'll double-back, they'll arch their back and fold in on themselves and touch each other with their tips on the other side of the extremes they're careening towards. they'll come together to form a new ism which combines Fascism and Communism into Million Dollar Milius Extremism Exchange. it'll end up looking like a giant Ouroboros Snake. anarchism is a beautiful concept, even a beautiful goal, but it's impossible to impement in reality. what would anarchism look like in a practical sense? hey remember Universal Studios?

Dirg: hey, men aren't cattle. when we chew cud, we spit it out cos we vape. freedom is a gun in your hand. of course i do, buddy! that was one of the first things we did together as friends. we snuck out of our Catholic-school field-trip-group to sneak around and discover what the rides and attractions were really like. we were young then so that didn't involve attractive girls. or boys as i later found out. what show-times WE could go to when there were less crowds so we could really enjoy the shows. you were such a chicken the whole time! never willing to try new things or break the law by jumping the chain-link fence keeping the people in line like cattle. those pens were cages. holding onto the back of my Bermuda shorts in back of me as we walked the park, you were such a coward.

Laertus: but did we find it! the Conan show literally was just us in that empty auditorium, i still remember all those empty steel rows of rectangular seats like parochial-school lunch tables. it's all coming back to me in flashbacks: i remember sitting in the front row and getting misted by all the gallons of water whooshing on stage in an S-curve. and the Giant Snake which i had no context at the time for interpreting. and i do remember the woman! yes, the woman with the blonde braided hair in rolls and the tit-shields for copper armor! that was Valeria! tho i didn't know her name at the time. only watching the movie recently can i fill in the puzzle pieces and that stageshow from the '80s makes sense. i remember they always kissed at the end of the show, right?

Dirg: as hot as her face was, it was even hotter with that black war-paint on. we were lucky, what we saw was one of the first Universal Studios Conan shows ever, the part of Conan was played by Bill Maher but the part of Valeria was played on that stage by Sandahl herself! the studio figured it would hype the movie more this way to have her.

Laertus: i just think what aliens would think of us, you know? if they saw we humans making a movie like this. like the absurdity of making a film: the absurd sight of having humans wait, lounge around in a trailer, loiter and have craft-service, put on costumes and stand in the center of weird sets on the Earth and then pretend to say words and jump around and fake-fight. for what? it's all so silly, the aliens simply transmit all their art and culture through the hive-mind to their people, no need to fake anything, their art is all real, their real experience collectively-shared with themselves. they don't need to dress up in costumes they're gonna take off later, they're already in their bodies, their costumes are permanent.

Eye: Ballykissangel. to be continued, forever.

Laertus: aye. we must talk about how it all ended between Assumpta and Father Clifford. no i mean in real life. why did they decide to kill off Assumpta?

Eye: cos Dervla and Tompkinson were fucking in real life.

Dirg: i guess the Catholic priest got some after all.

Laertus: so what happened? did the relationship go south and the working-conditions on set on location in Ireland became unbearable? untenable? impossible? too much baggage and emotional residue? enough resin to fill a billion shots of shandy? i wonder who blinked first? who dumped who?

Dirg: it's whom.

Eye: and eye luggage. it's so sad, in my headcanon those two are still lovers in real life. you can't break up a perfect union like that!!! the real mystery is why did Father leave if Assumpa wanted out of her contract? he could have stayed on and made shitloads more money and become more famous and we wouldn't have had to deal with that God-awful priest from Tasmania!

Laertus: my headcanon is that Tompkinson is a Romantic, he was so heartbroken from having Assumpta dump him---Dervla, the perfect Irish lass---he just couldn't go on...

Eye: i'm gonna be heartbroken when our talks end. i can't talk to anyone else in the universe or world about Ballykissangel like this the way i talk about it with you, we share a burning passion for it. you better not dump me for another bloke and start talking to him about the show!!!

at the Treehouse:

Doryce: wake up, dummy! the gardeners are coming over to work on the bathroom. Melbourne's coming over, too, to ease tensions, to get you two factions working together.

Dirg: hey old bat, why is there a lawnmower parked in my backyard? did they forget to pick it up? NOW who's leaving signs for who? whom.

Doryce: that's MY backyard!

Melbourne: the gardeners want all of us to work together to cut the grass. it was left here purposefully, they wanted you to ride it one day, maybe you'd like to cut grass like they do, and we can all become friends.

Doryce: i still see the worms sliming up the bathroom, they come in droves, their numbers are increasing. i feel so bad for our cats, imma pick up some nice fresh cat food for them tomorrow at The Store. meanwhile i'm not picking the worms up in tissues and depositing them outside anymore, i've lost patience for that, i'm putting them in the toilet and flushing.

Gladyce: for shame, dear! shortcuts will get you in the end, you know that about life! all your decisions come back to haunt you. are you going to the bathroom as you flush? that's disgusting! that's gonna backfire.

Doryce: i'm so sorry, i don't mean to do that to the slime-suckers, but i get lazy at midnight…

Gladyce: tell me again, i love when you story me. and be sure to pick up some more coffee at The Store.

Doryce: Garden Grove. the last Barnes & Noble next to the last Blockbuster Video. Farmer's Market, Los Angeles. that escalator bedazzled in yellow lights! you come down there into the three-story level all shag-carpeted orange like a La Hambra '70s hippie library. the books are all lined-up and cooled under glass at the cake shop. no cakes there, only books to choose. it's a reader's paradise, a black Barcalounger on every corner inside. you can learn and learn spells to your heart's content without getting fat.

Gladyce's eyes are sleepy but she's wired and wide-awake. she wants to sleep but she can't.

Codrus: come inside, brother, do you see the two Chalices on the altar? look inside them, at the reflecting pool of the wine in them.

Cotard: you don't have to remind me, brother, i went through your hell. the wine has turned to water.

Codrus: *spelling* ah, now is the time to enter the Temple. through the chalice's bowl.

they enter. into a desperate space.

Cotard: *throwing up on the altar* i can't stay here for long, i get sick of this place. what do you two talk about anyway? what could you and she possibly have in common?

Codrus: hey! sacrosanct. and you call me the vomitous one. oh, we shoot the shit, i tell her about that time Miley Cyrus spit in her younger sister Noah's mouth on stage and Noah had to swallow it to preserve the family genetic line, stuff like that, origin of the Ark and those heavy rains and weird names.

Cotard: you are an abomination to the profession of god.

outside, Sinphony is having it out with a mysterious shadow-woman in a grey shawl and cloak. this figure tips her hood and stops her traveling-booth with the big wheel by the side of the dust road by the orange pebble.

Madame Pons: don't be shy, dearie, come and peep my wares. all hardbodies here, see these crystals, child? all colors, of the Pink Floyd rainbow, all shades, all cuts, i can't give these away at LUSH i mean they are valuable trinkets from the most-exotic regions in Asia Minor, one-of-a-kind and priceless. these crystals will breathe life into you, breathe love into you, real love, all my girls say so, these crystals have helped them find their soul mates. on campus. and in the woods.

Sinphony: rubbish! flaming garbage! you're a female Lord?!! absurd! what silly girls, my Master scorns them for being weak and rubber-kneed! who needs black-magic horoscopes from Hell when you have the Church? i have my love. the only man i need. he teaches me all about love everyday.

Pons: that isn't love, Sinphony, that's abuse...…...what if i told you you could be an independent woman who don't need no man? right here, too, in this village. you could be the first female doctor ever on Earth!

Sinphony: *incredulous look on her lips* WHAT!!? girls can't be village elders!!!






 






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