notes:
* that's every writer's credo right there
* next up for Darren Criss: the Morrissey Story...written and directed and executive-produced by Morrissey...crowdfunded of course cos Morrissey has a lot of friends. it will be the first thing Bill Cosby is in since prison. Bill Cosby playing himself.
Morrissey: Bill Cosby played himself...
* Darren Criss: that's a name right out of a 1930s potboiler, one of those detective comic strips where it's a LONG drawn-out caper case story and you only get ONE panel a month to try to discover the mystery and solve it before the author does. his girlfriend is named Polly Package or something.
* i confess, i never watched Glee...…...i probably still won't but Darren Criss is cool
* Manager: promise me, no more open-mic nights.
on the phone: closed-mic night then?
Manager: how would that work?
on the phone: we hear your voice but only behind closed-doors. like Congress. and then everyone gets a participation trophy for doing their jobs. hey, didn't you play Robin Williams?
Manager: yes. it was so traumatic that whenever i see Robin Williams on tv now, i cry, i'm incapable forever of ever laughing at Robin Williams again.
* Manager: excuse me, guy in a dark alley, are you eating a giant Cheeto with glue on top?
Phoenix, the director: cut. script, please! book!
* at the bus:
Darren: i'm just a nobody.
Manager: turns out, Glee had a lot of backstage problems, didn't it? a lot of personalities in that talent-pool in need of shitload piles of help. here's my card.
Darren: just take a selfie with me and begone, thot. hey, why are you wearing my vest? did you steal it when i wasn't looking? you swiped a homeless man?
* Manager holds up nacho fries.
S&P: what's that?
Manager: the only thing he gets to eat: one nacho fries a day, that's it, no water, just Baja Drink, he needs to stay in shape for all the girls...and boys.
* Darren: i just like singing and composing piano music about Mexicans.
Manager: get Criss on the Biden team right away! he is the key to victory!
S&P: Biden doesn't know how to use a telephone...
* Darren: *singing* cheese brings me to my knees...
S&P: so it's a porn?
Darren: *singing* you're the love of my life...
S&P: you love French fries? you don't love a person?
Manager: it's very millennial, it'll sell well with all the shut-in gamers out there.
S&P: what's the title of the track?
Darren: "Chasing Gold".
S&P: Tokyo 2020, gotcha. get Mario, not Rio, on the pipe.
* Maria Taylor: i'm here with Darren Criss and guest at the Oscars. who are you excited to see tonight, Criss?
Darren: that's Cross, i'm Jesus. did you know Taco Bell now has spicy nuggets?
Maria Taylor: uhhhhhh...…...and you? who are you excited to see?
Nacho Fries: you, sugar.
Maria: i recently got engaged.
Nacho Fries spills her sauce.
* Manager: don't waste the fries at a party doing party tricks!
Darren: they're my fries! i earned them! i can wear a golden fry around my gold chain if i want!
Manager: no, kid, your parents own you and your parents got deported.
Darren: what? why?
Manager: it's complicated, let's just all vote for Oprah the next time and we can forget all this and this insane time. Gloria Vanderbilt is helping from the other side but it's gonna take all of us, a collective group effort to topple.
Darren waves the Communist flag at a Taco Bell rally.
* Manager: watch out, kid! don't jump high into your backyard party pool like the rest of your dumb milennial friends do, that barrier is deceptively clear...
* cop: no contraband at the concert, no girls can carry sauce. but the girls are allowed to be sauced.
cop: oh, and Michael Jackson's Estate called, they are suing you for sliding like that.
* Darren: what happened?
Manager: it suddenly went quiet. and you're not in the studio, there are no microphones in here. you cannot afford a microphone anymore.
Darren: hold me.
Manager: sure, kid.
Darren: no, cos i can't swim...don't want to drown in my own indoor pool like Elvis.
* Darren: what's this?
Manager: a magazine. you millennials don't read books anymore.
Darren: WITHOUT WARM NACHO CHEESE SAUCE I'M NOTHING!!!
Manager: thank you for clearing out my desk, now i don't have to ring Marie Kondo.
Darren: i wanted to break your fish tank but i now see that would have been impossible.
Manager: fish tacos at Taco Bell, why hasn't that ever happened?
* Manager: what have you done!!!
Darren: i'm burning Elvis's piano like a beach bonfire. to stay warm for one night.
Manager: allow me to tell you the parable of the fisherman who got one fish for free. the jingle game don't last forever, kid, unless you're Santa.
* Manager: CAN'T YOU WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE!!!?
Darren: unhand my scruff! i wrote a Transformers jingle and got two nacho-cheese-colored Ferraris.
Manager: those are Bumblebee Ferraris. and why do you need TWO Ferraris?
Darren: one for now, one from G1. and as you can see in the background of my obscene car collection, i wrote the reboot to the Beverly Hillbillies theme and got that jalopy, the original one detailed in pristine condition. Granny from that show called me and said she wanted to fuck me.
Manager: Granny's still alive?
Darren: yes, and she's running for President.
* that's not a middle-finger at the end
CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
TOMORROW: actually NOT Taco Bell but McDonald's, the burger from Spain, got a regular Quarter Pounder last time, cos i misheard myself at the drive-thru mic...
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