TMIT: THIS SHOULD BE THE NEW EMOJI FOR LOVE ON INSTAGRAM

and alien love, too

1. love is made of many components. what are your top three components of love?

like this last week's Hunter x Hunter, aye? the globules that make up all life. the koala at first thought it all meant nothing, no afterlife, life was dust, dust to dust. but then he met a strange ginger girl...

1. Triscuits, cos everyone should experience at least one Summer of Triscuit before you die.

2. self-sacrifice. only when you allow your partner to be the best version of herself do you really love her. of course then she'll realize she's been saddled with your broke ass her entire life and leave you to become the Oprah of the Toronto Raptors. denying yourself love so she can love is the greatest love of all.

3. speaking of Whitney Houston, you need a good love song to keep you company. you need to hear "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" on one hot summer night with your maybe-beloved under a cobblestone bridge by a lake in London. and as the oncoming double-decker bus swerves to miss you two you realize the bus was all in your head---it was really a plush double-decker-bus souvenir keychain---and that the bus was really the manifestation of your anxiety.

then you and her walk uphill to her house in the shandy shanties which is just a hostel on a European map with no parents nor adult supervision ever, and constant screaming. you go upstairs by the creaky case to watch another Morrissey video: "The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get".

she bemoans the insanely-long song titles, tho she says she does admire the music. you kiss her, she kisses you, and you both bemoan the little kid girl in the video with the crown who really gets treated poorly by Morrissey.

2. for you what is good sex and what is great sex?

good: facial
great: swallow

3. in long-tern unions do you:
a) expect love to grow over time as the union unfolds?
b) need to have immediate attraction, infatuation, and feelings or excitement in order to enter into a long-term union?

take it from me, the excitement game never works out in the end. you try every day to top yourself, do something bigger than the trick you pulled yesterday, and you get deflated and exhausted and burned by the marriage's first year. when you start getting bored with each other, you realize you were just a pain to put up with from the start and get even more depressed.

or take it from Alice from Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore or the tv show Alice. people found Ellen Burstyn grating and Linda Lavin engaging, but only one won the Oscar. can you believe Linda Lavin was 40 when that show started in the '70s? now THAT's a milf, even though she never had children in real life. second-chance love is real, just don't choose the cowboy who fills bullets for a living.

i thought all my unions would last forever: The UK, the European Union. or EU as i liked to call it, my pet name for it, i'd send it money by wire through Western Union. i thought i'd unfurl my new Union Jack and wave it with two hands in my room. but alas everything changes, everything eventually breaks apart. anyway the scientists say human extinction in 2050, right? so, you know, watch old tv on tape and have a good time while you still can.

4. you are away on your dream vacation…

are you alone with someone? who?

yes. my cock. my pet chicken Filbert. and the Trivago Guy.

do you want to have a hookup with a sexy stranger? is the sexy stranger female, male, gender-fluid, bigender, transgender

it's Carmen Sandiego. she's always been bisexual---a true bisexual on tv---she just couldn't reveal that when she was on The History Channel. she wants me to drink her fluids. the thing is, she's not exactly physically sexy anymore, the wear and tear of constantly being on the road has turned her face into a giant prune, but the drive and mystery are still there in full force, she deliberately lost her own corded-telephone number. she still wants to rule the world. i take the brim of her long snakey fedora and throw it down into the Pyrenees, which upsets her very much. a crocodile hands it back to her. i tell her going forward she's got the best 30 years of my life...

would you rather spend all day doing your favorite vacation activity OR spend all night having kinky sex?

Carmen wants the kinky stuff now more than ever at her age, and i ask her if she likes to watch. so I masturbate, that's my favorite activity all-time. and then we watch Alice reruns on Nick At Nite as Carmen regales me under the covers with tales of her Nickelodeon days...

5. is hot steamy all-your-wildest-fantasies-come-true sex more likely to happen with your current lover or a sexy, no-strings-attached stranger??

a stranger, but my mom always says a stranger is just a friend you haven't met, so that cancels that out. take it from me, actualizing a Hollywood ending is EXTREMELY hard. my current lover, she's the best. but you can't have hot sex in a tropical climate, that cancels that out, you can only have hot sex in Iceland. Bjork told me that once...she then proceeded to go all Coyote Ugly on the bar countertop, dancing till dusk turned to dawn. you know how many shots she had that night? zero.

BONUS describe your hot steamy all-your-wildest-fantasies-come-true sex: CLICK HERE

and yes, that IS Princess Di

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