Friday, December 27, 2019



* good news: Law & Order: Mothership is coming back.
bad news: it's gonna be called Law & Order: Coffee Cops.

* it WAS gonna be called Coffee In Cars With Cops...

* Seinfeld: so...…...this is gonna be a controversial episode...
Kramer: i know, i hate coffee! yuck!

* Humphrey Bogart in the cop car smoking a cigarette: you boys have it easy. in my day...
cops: yeah yeah. so what you say, old timer.
Bogart: clam up, Lethal Weapon, and listen to your elders. the skell you fingered isn't the skell, his dope was in a dimebag, our dope is worth at least $18.50!
cops: 1850 was when Folgers was founded.
Bogart: no it was not i was there! 1850 was when I was born!!! i know, i look DAMN GOOD for my age, that's how i bagged all the dames.

* cop: la di da! what do we have here!
Bogart: a mug in a bag. trying to keep your coffee hot? just blow...…...on it.

* mayor having an affair: let go of my hand on the phone!
mistress: you calling my husband? the governor?
mayor: i'm calling Domino's pizza. ironically, you can't order a Brooklyn crust in New York City.

* lu: somebody's mom, grandmom, sister...
rookie: i'm can see the tear on my cheek like an Indian...cos i have to pee...drank too much coffee.
cop: nah, no grandmas, grandmas are for tea, tea makes people live longer...

* Hillary Clinton: i knew i shouldn't have moved to New York! how much fucking bad luck can one woman have!!! it's just coffee!!!

* surveillance: hello, what do we have here?
cop: rear window, as in a man's butt pressed against the glass.

* coffee meth lab woman: this is making me hot.
coffee meth lab man: hot like coffee.
coffee meth lab woman: you got the filters? i want to fuck but not have a kid with you.

* cop with mullet: can i ride shotgun, sir? wait, is that Versace? you know, let's just leave well enough alone...

* Amber Heard: i heard the news today oh boy...
cops are bewildered.
Amber makes a break for it...and runs to rehab...but after seeing Johnny Depp in there she gets the hell out of rehab.
cop: are you okay, miss?
Amber: sure.
cop: you have a silver collar around your neck connected to a heavy chain. are you fleeing from your captors?
Amber: i'm okay. just into the kinky stuff.

* Dr. Drew: can i see your purse?
Amber: oh, now i get it. you're a sniffer.
Dr. Drew takes out a mug from the purse.
Dr. Drew: this was my Christmas gift from you to me and you know it. you know coffee is more addictive than opiates.
Amber: *nodding off* what? i wasn't paying attention, i need something to keep me awake so i can retain what you're saying.

* professor: what am i, a professor of explanations?
cop: better than being a professor of pop culture. explain me this: are you fucking your students?
professor: of course i'm fucking my students, i'm a professor, what other reason is there to be a professor, it's not like you can take all that knowledge with you when you die...

* cop: how did you attain your esteemed position?
professor: i fucked my way to the top. i've fucked every Ivy League professor in the country.

* cop: sir, we're gonna have to take you in.
Giuliani: but i'm the head of this department. don't worry, i'll investigate myself when i get home.

* over the police scanner:
---we got a jackrabbit.
---a hooker?
---no, a runner.

* cop: this guy sounds crazy, i can't make out his manifesto.
b cop: no, that's just a student trying to hammer out his final thesis at 4AM in the morning after having just that one extra cup of coffee too much in his dorm

* cop: coffeehead's here.
Cuphead is led away in handcuffs to his private wide cell.

* cop: haha! this is cut with Starbucks, it's not pure 1850!
Versace: hey, did you just point your tea-pinkie at me!!?

* cop: captain, we got a situation.
captain: what.
cop: the trunk of my car popped open without my permission.
captain: did you butt-dial the Lexus button keychain lucky-rabbit's-foot fob again?

* raid:
cop: get down on your knees!
cop: OMG, these glass carafes are so elegant! this Antiques Roadshow?
wife criminal: um, you're on the set of a steampunk movie we're filming.
cops: sorry about that. makes sense, your crushed-silk blouse is so East India Company!
husband criminal: we were toppers in school.

* cop: whoa! sorry, under the purple light you looked like Prince...

* Bogart: turn on the police radio.
radio: i'm Don Imus! reporting to you live from the Rutgers women's basketball game which just ended in a blowout, i'm their play-by-play announcer, not their color announcer. without me there's no Howard Stern! he copied everything from me! i mean would you even care about AM Radio but for me?...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i've officially run out of fast-food joints for the year...

...maybe i'll try that burger that looks like if a Big Mac was a chicken sandwich...

i am so tired. i'm going down, i'm going to bed at 8PM tonight. end of week, end of month, end of year, end of decade...

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