TMIT: SAVE THE CATSUIT!!!

1. what type of clothes make you feel sexy?
a) a specially selected casual outfit
b) lingerie or silky pajamas
c) elegant dressy evening clothes
d) anything that leaves me almost naked

the Serena Williams Catsuit. that thing is pure Panther power

2. which do you prefer?
a) pillow talk
b) sexy texting
c) love notes

i prefer to write long drawn-out longwinded love notes in calligraphy. scented with just the right balance of unwashed body odor, silky rainfall showerhead, and an Old Spice luxury product like a rubbed pomade or something. that is my perfume. i use the product of a plant in the seed of the reeds not seen in this world since Ancient Egypt. a substance supreme. it is a wonderful thing that was called paper...

3. which do you do best?
a) pillow talk
b) sexting
c) writing love notes

everything's changed since the Tennis 15-second clock was implemented. it's all about speed now, not longing. pillow talk consists of one emoji of a cat giving the "you fuckin' kiddin' me?!" face. sexting is just choosing a song lyric from the progrock band Asia. look what happened to Simona Halep. she's the number-one player in the world and she's out. just like that. she didn't even give enough time for us all to sit down in the stands from getting our silver trays of breakfast popcorn. later, in the lobby, i handed the luggage man a note to give to Simona i had crafted late into the night, never sleeping, making sure each word was pitch-perfect. a pink unscented card which folded over and simply read

I don't care about the point penalty. I'm taking my time and doing this right

and as a gift i gave her a small lacey pillow. y'know now that i think of it, i've never had pillow talk with somebody while in the presence of pillows.

i looked up to her balcony and saw Darren Killer Cahill with a moot look on his lips, wearing those heavy black sunglasses as hard as he could around his ears. they obviously broke up after that performance.

4. you have been granted just ONE of the following in your favorite city/place in the world. which would you choose and why?
a) 24 hours of romance
b) 24 hours of lust (intense overwhelming sexual desire but not acted upon mixed with enthusiasm for life)
c) 24 hours of sex

that second one is interesting, that's the kind of mixed feeling ripe to explore in a novel. my favorite place in the world is Stars Hollow. the third one, well, let me be the bearer of bad news: any of your dismal dorm-frat escapades while wearing a toga will never amount up to the Greek and Roman orgies you were supposed to be reading about in your college books.

i want 24 hours of apres-ski. i want 24 hours of a train-ride through snow-covered tunnels and buttressed buttholes. i want romance! what happened to romance? John McCain wanted a better world for us. we must get back to the way things were. we must suck the marrow out of all our nostalgia and return to the time when we exchanged pillows with our lovers and friends as birthday presents. when we never had to fret over remembering anniversaries cos erryday was the anniversary of our fucks!

5. how do you tap into your sexiness? Jesus didn't tap. always remember that. thanks, Tommy Oliver.

bonus: which is better---your digital sex life or your in-the-flesh sex life? my digital sex life is much less messy cos alls i'm doing all day is pushing a lot of buttons and keystrokes on my pad. my ipad-mini one inch thicker cos of the warranty i purchased. a lot of intensive typing. hacking isn't glamorous, folks.

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