GARY, WE NEED YOU

notes:

* there's a mythic quality to '80s stars isn't there

* you know it's serious when the subtitles automatically come on.

* Rule Number One!!!: never say hello.

* InStep: the yoga dojo Elvis studied under right before his untimely passing

* uncarrier: when you can't pay for the jet no more

* full disclosure: the only Raine i know is Maida. and Madonna. and what's on my face.

* Raine Maida: social security number? we don't have those in Canada.

* Chantal Kreviazuk: i am the voice of the robot. i am the voice of all robots.
Raine: i know, that's why i don't mind the five minutes. don't say that, dear, you have a lovely voice. angelic in fact.
Chantal: the papers say we're getting divorced.
Raine: rule number one: never form a band with just your wife.

* Raine: okay, my phone number is 555-5555. well this is tv.

* Raine: my second pet? the name of that dog from Peach-Hime that was strangely never in any of the Mario games...

* Chantal the robot: i'm sorry, i cannot accept "gerbil" from a man.
Raine: what? Meg Ryan's career was ruined? luckily she's got that Top Gun 2 cameo with the ghost of Anthony Edwards who couldn't save himself despite being a doctor...

* robot: if your service is working, press 1. if your service is not working, press 1.

* Raine: Representative!
robot: i cannot accept "Representative". Congress has been rendered powerless.

* Raine: good, now we're getting somewhere. but i broke my screen in anger. maybe this morning tea by the woods will calm me down.

* Uncle Sigh: hello, i am your new Representative...

* Raine: didn't work. the tea is Earl Grey. just reminds me i auditioned for the wrong Star Trek series.

* Daniel: i am your new Representative. i am currently being tied behind my back and held hostage by Cobra Kai so i am unable to help you. for a knife, press 1. to cut the ropes i mean. for a gun, press 2.

* Raine: 17 minutes? by then the Earl Grey will be cold.

* Raine: i mean i could watch an Oscar-winning short in 17 minutes...

* Raine: there's a hair in my cereal......that's not my hair...

* Raine: wait, Daniel! i spilled my lunch of cereal.
Daniel: that's very sad. how can you be sad and an actor?
Raine: have you seen Ben Affleck lately? i had an accident.
Daniel: my A Scanner Darkly scramble-suit said you were a young man tho.

* and with that, Raine got the Oscar that would have belonged to James Franco

* Raine: oh no i'm dying...my battery is dying...which in this world is the same as your life dying...

* Raine: Gary Coleman. you were my childhood. you are more than a man, you are a myth. life is so unfair. i love you.
Gary: i'm not Gary C...
Raine: *eyes closed and weird singing mouth* yes you are. yes you are.

* Gary: your plants are about to die? who cares?
Raine: no i've got some weird charges on my bill.
Gary: like what?
Raine: well it says here i bought this stroke painting of just the lower portion of a monk's robe and the monk's bare sandalless feet.
Gary: i heard about you Catholic fetishists. i hope the Pope addresses this in Ireland.

* Raine: JUST made it plugged it in in time.
Gary: um, it's a video phone, right?
Raine: yeah?
Gary: i can see your statue the phone's in front of. weird tribal naked statue.

* Gary: you don't have a real job.
Raine: it's the SYSTEM!, Gary, the system is broken.
Gary: i am not broken, sir.
Raine: yes you were! you were dealt an unfair hand in life, Gary Coleman, but you lived it beautifully. you found love in the end, that's all that matters.

* Raine: the weapons and starships were sold to the bad guys...and to the good guys...it's all a machine, man, best not to choose a side...
Gary: wait, you're that Heineken guy?
Raine: safe space...
Gary: safe space? so on top of everything else you voted for Hillary! take a hike. *hangs up* go take a hike and join your precious Hillary on one of her famous walks in the woods.

* Raine: that's not a watch on my wrist. that's a tribal tattoo of a wheel.

* Raine: GARY WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LORD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU PROMISED YOU WEREN'T A RUSSIAN BOT!!!...
Gary: regain your shit, man, i just dipped out for a quick bite at the new McDonald's opening in Doha.
Raine: OH THANK GOD!!! WE ARE FRIENDS!!! wanna play cards?
Gary: sure.
Raine: i crashed my card table through my window.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

what? Power Rangers on a Tuesday? no, i can't think about that right now. i'm becoming increasingly embroiled in the watching of blue U.S. Open qualifying matches. the drama here is much more cutthroat than in the tournament proper. they don't even use tennis balls, they use fuzzy rubber balls. happy weekend, my babies.