Friday, August 10, 2018



* whenever you're alone, especially alone in a big new strange city, you have to keep repeating to yourself in your head over and over, "I am not crazy, the WORLD is..."

* woman: that's Lady EleGANCE, with the emphasis on the GANCE. French.

* Lady Elegance: and may i ask who was my pilot today?
van Gogh: it was I. i saw that pyramid to your right in my dreams.

* Lady Elegance: hi, got that email you shot at me, don't point your gun in my general direction again. acting. so do i get the part?
George Lucas: hi, no. there's no audition. i've just come out of the coma of my 30-year depression to find Disney has basically destroyed the Star Wars franchise that took a lifetime to build with one painfully-misguided funny film. i'm depressed again. i signed up to do the next Sharknado thinking easy money and those films keep going but it turns out they shot the last one so excuse me if i'm triggerhappy.

* Party of One: like Party of Five but more fun

* Lady Elegance: no camera NO don't show my ring! shoot! now this story's gon be diff'rent......i wanted it to be something else...

* valet: no one else with you? but you're a beautiful, elegant lady!
Lady Elegance: just me.
valet: loser.
Lady Elegance: hey aren't you Captain Obvious?
valet: obviously.
Lady Elegance: that makes me feel half-better.

* Lady Elegance: i suddenly feel freer than i ever have in my entire life. Las Vegas is paying for this, right? it's their commercial.
Marcus Aurelius: yes, ma'am, this is all a fantasyland, normal working folk could never do this.
Lady Elegance: i want to have that man, THAT man up there.
Marcus Aurelius: that's a statue of me, ma'am, and you're married. didn't you read any of my quotes? i was upstanding, my chest was fibrous with morality, stuck to my ribs like cream of wheat, i went to the bathroom frequently in my laudable toilet, i was society's moral barometer, the HL Mencken of Rome.

* waitress: you're eating at a restaurant alone? and you're not a food critic? that takes balls.
Lady Elegance: don't look at me.
waitress: it's weird that i'm better-dressed than you...but i love that you're traveling alone! it's the only way to not get caught. you have the world all to yourself, soak it all up like a woman's sponge.
Lady Elegance: but this world sucks.
waitress: is it really Friday? IT IS!
Lady Elegance: I KNOW, that's cool! what a coincidence! but i can't let my hair down with my husband and kids.
waitress: oh, so you're not really alone, this commercial could have been much more powerful. but you CAN let your hair down, especially with chemicals nowadays. ditch your family! the cult knows where you live anyway. when was the last time you had a day to yourself?
Lady Elegance: are you trying to get me to marry you? i saw the other Vegas commercial.
waitress: no but i need a getaway car.

* Lady Elegance: hi, rainbow peacock lady, can i borrow those bags?
rainbow peacock lady: under my eyes?

* Lady Elegance: hi, room service?
waitress: hi it's me. ready? i sent you over your crazy bread.
Lady Elegance: and WHAT praytell are you implying by that? i demand respect, i am a guest at CAESARS PALACE!!!
waitress: no, you're at Little Caesars Pizza.

* gondolier: are those clothes waterproof, lady?
Lady Elegance: i don't know. why?
gondolier: nothing.
Lady Elegance: i was promised the Joker from that perfume commercial.

* Lady Elegance: hi, thanks for the fruity drink, hon, you're a babe. but why is this urn next to me? reminds me of my husband and kids.

* Lady Elegance: you know this is the FIRST time i've worn this yellow bikini. i bought it on my wedding night......on that night, my husband ended up in a pool.

* Lady Elegance: what does the pattern of falling water and the blinking lights all mean in the light show?
waitress: lighting up the runway for the UFO craft obviously. i've got the last season of The X-Files on DVD in my hotel room. this was back when government conspiracies were still fun.

* Lady Elegance: hi, i'd like to order some champagne.
waitress: room service. how much, babe? did you get the car yet?
Lady Elegance: enough to fill the bathtub i'm in.
waitress: Nevada has strict water control. no water unless you're a showgirl or hooker or both, the economic backbone of our society.
Marcus Aurelius: if not the moral backbone.
Lady Elegance: remember the French Open?
waitress: no. don't remember Wimbledon, either, that was so long ago.

* Lady Elegance: *tissues* i always cry at old movies depicting highway construction.

* Lady Elegance: thank you for the car. i took an exhilarating car ride in the canyon. alone.
waitress: WHAT! that was the getaway car for the both of us!
Lady Elegance: it was so Thelma & Louise.
waitress: oh. this whole time i thought you were saying Thelema...

* Lady Elegance: i'm on the dance floor! i'm dancing alone! this is so awkward! okay i'm gonna attempt my first twerk, please don't look at me.
Lady Elegance's daughter: that's not how you do it, mom.

* Lady Elegance: hey! that wasn't me it was the wind! you're lucky i was wearing my yellow bikini underneath!

* Lady Elegance: oh? the audition's back on? sorry, i'm auditioning for Star Trek on CBS Digital Stream. that you have to pay for to get.
George Lucas in Princess Leia cosplay: but you're my only hope.

* this is originally how Thelma & Louise ended. but it didn't test well with audiences and focus groups. personally i like this ending better. gives a sense of closure. i mean i have a trillion headcanons about what happened to our heroines afterwards: they got married. they opened up a tiki bar on a Cancun shore. they played beach-volleyball with Hannibal Lecter into their old age: CLICK HERE


happy weekend, my babies. whew. i see you throwing shade at Roger, Djoker, but i can't hate, i'm genuinely glad Novak is back up to snuff and used whatever snuff to screw his mind right to be Nadal-Stopper again. don that cape on court and dance the night away, my healthy friend. numbers are everything, apparently. and it's just not the Rogers Cup without Roger. i remember when BOTH the men and the women played at the same tournament site, when we were all united, One Canada, One Love, One Last Liberal Bastion on Earth sort of thing.


Jules said...

I repeat this mantra often to the Houston Dalek.

I am totally Lady Elegance. *)

the late phoenix said...

but if the world is crazy......then we are all doomed......we might as well all become Daleks *)