Friday, August 31, 2018



* i still remember my first ViewMaster. everyone else's on the block was red, mine was faded-orange and unique, i was the special child. i never let anyone else play with it, i was stingy and hid it under my pirate chest in my fishtank. mostly cos i didn't know how to use it. remember those ViewMaster reels? those things were magical and my first exposure to the Wiccan Wheel. i mean that was the first spell, wasn't it? the first Brie circle cheese of desire? a magic circle of miniaturized people and places trapped in thin flimsy centimeters of olive-green film which literally transported you from your dreary highway-overpass life to any gaudy glorious place on earth you wished. cities, real cities. making like in Paris. those poor people and places were obviously miniaturized against their will by a jealous witch. but it was still fun, i didn't let my soft young mind stew upon such dark thoughts like that for too long. i mean that red block of technology was like some alien telescope had landed to the '80s from the year 3000 on my lowly doorstep. the ONLY ViewMaster Reel i ever got, ended up getting as it turned out, was the E.T. one in celebration of this blockbuster movie coming soon to theaters. the only slide i remembered was the sliding dance of Elliott and that girl in the chem lab. it's still hazy, and i can never make out the girl's face, but that girl was EVERYONE's girl somehow, she was all of our first, our first felt glances of young love. our first dance. with a girl taller than us. i remember she wore a fuzzy sweater or something, that's it. and like the doors blew open to a large puff of smoke and white blinding overhead lights? more magic. but i learned that dance in my head in case i would ever need it. i didn't.


* that condom was defective. see you at Maury.

* what it says on this guy's OKCupid profile: reject Monty Python cartoon. the world isn't crazy, I am

* made from the same pink stuff Buu is

* i like it when the pretzels get green and really oily. i know this looks disgusting but if i don't pee over the side here there are no rainbows.

* i'm French as you can see. my nipples are purposefully green. i'm a fan of obscure cinema, like my youtube channel.

* that duckie couldn't handle me. not many can. especially in the tub.

* so that's what happened to Darcy from the Smashing Pumpkins

* kid: am i in Heaven?
fortuneteller: why would you say that, young sprite?
kid: there's God's Hand pointing to an arcade.
fortuneteller: you are such a kid. come closer and ask, don't knock over those candles this is a wood box.

* kid: is it okay if there's a string coming out of the coin?
fortuneteller: i need to crack my knuckles first, that's how i know i'm still alive.
kid: who is my soul mate?
fortuneteller: no kid thinks of such things.
kid: um, my age? my revolutions around the sun? but the Earth is flat. my second dog's name? you'll have to ask my dog, he's my master.

* kid: the answer to all your questions is two snails fucking. now will you answer mine?
fortuneteller: you've got holes in your souls. it was going good till the letters were introduced. i saw a few 0s and 1s in there...

* kittykay96: i like kitty kats. the candy. that's how i escaped Scientology.

* kitty: um, i probably shouldn't be doing web videos...this is my dad's camera.
anonymouse96: i lost my job and my family but it was all worth get to spend more time with my daughter...

* kitty: that devil icon is a new webcomic i'm working on. on atheism and stuff.

* kitty: i get it, i'm my best teacher.
shadow kitty: there can only be one.
kitty: Highlander is for boys.
shadow kitty: is this what you wanted?
kitty: i'm too young for Nine Inch Nails.
shadow kitty: delete your account.
kitty: why couldn't you have done that before the election?
kitty: are you ready to live in the real world?
shadow kitty: oh shit, i switched places with your body didn't i. i don't like the real world much...

* Breakfast For Supper: It's Better Than A Burger

* Junior Senior's second song was only popular in Danish bakeries...

* sorry, you're a pretty girl but i'm late for the bus. i can throw away this book of poetry cos i wrote it.

* isn't this a little early for Christmas?
partridges: no such thing. we are all inside David's wake forever right now. we don't sing cos we can't.
lion: hey buddy, want to experience love?
lion: it's only possible in the void where you can't feel a thing.

* i won't comment on this next section cos it's awkward and makes me feel uncomfortable. it actually had me questioning the order of my donuts. like why do they display the donuts on that slanted diagonal like that under glass?

* night manager: we got Caller ID on you, buddy. we got a contract, a contact from the Department of Defense.
Unabomber Catman: exactly. i'm maneuvering the donuts in strategic places throughout the market. this is a matter of national security. terrorists hate to be outmaneuvered. so when the terrorists come, we all have our little spaces to hide and can eat there the placed donut and stay alive for weeks and survive, wait it out for the terrorists to get bored.

* everything had gone expiration-date, even Pickle Rick thought he wasn't existentially awesome anymore. it had all worn off as it always does. went from mindblowing to meandering.

* normal things. and a rainfall showerhead.

* wait, if i cut the string...paddleball becomes racquetball!

* you'll call her, and she'll say, there are no more landlines. you'll say, fancy a drink? and she'll say, i don't huff milk like you do. and you'll say, if i can only do the thing with the bottle where you flip it and it lands again...

* shoulda waited to broadcast this on Valentine's wait, what am i saying? i've gotten fat and happy with all this Venture Bros. in my life. got a gut.

* can you sign my petition to have Valentine's Day renamed Lonely Day? hello? where'd you go?

* okay this Frenchie is an Existential threat to our country. so grab your beret and your strawberry flower and unbuttoned sweater-vest and meet me in the underground café, we have to discuss this. with him. he's a great storyteller. he'll be the one in the boulanger disguise. no but seriously check out all of this guy's videos on youtube, he's got better stuff than a Major League pitcher. he's innocent and deep. this is how we should all view life when we're NOT on drugs. he's like if Balki from Perfect Strangers and Carl Sagan had a baby.

* our trees DO come from Mars...

* and THIS is why E.T. never came home.


happy weekend, my babies, enjoy the tennis. stay in the shade as you watch Kyrgios throw shade.

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