Friday, August 17, 2018



* boneless breasts, the best kind

* stereo not available in your country

* overhead bird's-eye view of 1985 from drones made way back in 1985

* i know all those cars look like toy cars, but that's really how cars were in 1985.

* this is forever known as the Too Many Cooks house. i'm sure it was the Who's The Boss? house or something before but that's gone now. Tony Danza drives a taxi and needs some more medallions. he uses them for work, Scott Baio uses them for play, Baio trades them like baseball cards when the two get together under a beach blanket on this last summer night...

* i now know the appeal of the white picket fence: it matches the Colonel's suit. the Colonel's famous black bowtie with the tails was given to him by Gerald Gardner. Gerald claimed he was related to the Colonel, they had the same witch for a mother. Gerald was one of the first people ever to try the Colonel's chicken. Gerald went on to form Wicca right after eating the chicken.

* SPOILER, blocker's note: front door needs to be an automatic sliding door cos the Colonel's hands are...well you'll see at the end, it's only a minute-long's in the other commercial...

* see the boy was having just popcorn, not popcorn chicken

* i was having a lucid conversation with my professor the other day. the phone call went something like this:
prof: have you ever seen a nude napkin-holder?
me: a holder of nude-colored napkins?
prof: the first napkin-holders came out on 1930. they looked like bridges. do you ever draw nudes on the back of envelopes or napkins when you're bored?
me: when people ask me to send them things i either send them doodles or noodles.

and my professor isn't a professor of art, he's a professor of theoretical astrophysics, the kind of math professor HL Mencken despised.

* remember Win, Lose, or Draw?? that white-sofa set was based on the same set from Burt Reynolds's living room.

* the Colonel: you can actually run a thunderbird car with all the grease in my chicken. one bucket of my chicken. for a whole year.

* the Colonel: it's okay for me to be in her room, she's calling me and i'm calling her back on dueling phones. remember when you could place your phone on your bed? i helped her rip apart all of her teen magazines looking for that one oil painting of Charlotte Rae.

* mom: do you know what an iron is?
the Colonel: how do you think we achieve grill marks?

* the Colonel: kid, that volcano with the Alka-Seltzer is SO played. get a cardboard, divide it into a triptych, and write in black marker all the ingredients in my chicken. hint: you're gonna need a bigger board.

* the Colonel: the only reason i didn't break junior's nose with the ball is cos the ball is boneless breast.
dad: yeah but i fear junior's gonna get the wrong idea.

* the Colonel: i love families. mine mysteriously disappeared after i became successful.

* the Colonel: i'm your nosey neighbor, Mr. Monroe. James Monroe, the President you still have no idea about. my fence is brown.

* the Colonel: family, i have a confession to make. i'm not a talking couch. i'm just a regular couch.
mom: i knew it! this family doesn't get mail!
dad: what sort of chemicals do you put in this stuff?
the Colonel: the chicken? you really don't want to know. you could tell tho right? it was a gauzy dreamy quality. i was talking but i never actually said anything...
boy: does this mean i don't have to go to school?
the Colonel: yes, son, you and the girl will go to raves from now on, there's enough chemicals for a war.
daughter: do girls have wingmen?
the Colonel: only if they're boneless wings.

* the Colonel: this family, this family i love dearly, is not real. you are all really chickens. chickens about to become dinner. this was your last-ditch collective fever dream to fulfill your lifelong wish to become human. you made it, fam, you climbed the mountaintop of your imagination. don't think that it's over, don't dream it's over, think a new chapter is about to begin for all of you. an afterlife where the mashed potatoes are never lumpy. i mean it is kinda cool that you're gonna be Rod Serling's chicken dinner tonight, right?

* i right now have an overwhelming desire to watch all seasons of Gimme a Break on laserdisc.

* either way, Mr. Kruger will no longer be showing us the way. R.I.P. my friend. everybody wishes they had a boss like this: CLICK HERE


happy weekend, my babies. AND checking the scores......i won't give it away but spoilers: two words: Swiss Cheese

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