Ashley Parker is seated on a soft sofa with clear plastic covering all of it. flanking her on either side are Mueller and Junior. it's an FBI office and it's midnight. a tall loopy fern casts a shadow on the tv crackling with the only energy in town. a warm blue glow emanates from the screen centering everyone's attention as the only sun around.
Ashley: the crickets are asleep. man this place is dead after closing hours.
Mueller: everyone's always on assignment overseas at the same time. go ahead, crack a window, no one's here. no one's watching. but be warned, the drones are invisible now. fuck tech and its rapid growth.
Junior: MOMMY! give me the remote! i want to watch TGIF! i want to watch Disney Afternoon! i want to watch Must See TV on NBC Thursday with the original lineup with Seinfeld and Wings! i want to watch Golden Girls while stuffing my kisser with cheesecake with one strawberry on top!
Ashley: shut up i can't hear myself muse. oh...sorry...yeah...this...shhhh....shhhh, honey, hush, shush, mommy's here, mommy's sorry, mommy's rubbing your armpit, mommy had a bad day. do you want mommy to make you some chicken fingers and tater tots and nachos and apple juice?
Junior: yes mommy. and you have to feed me.
Ashley: these chicken nuggets better be microwaveable or we're shitted. hey champ, little man, get to work on the drinks while mommy makes the soup. stick a straw in this apple.
Junior blinks his eyes and can't stop blinking them.
Ashley: come on, Bob, you promised.
Mueller: okay. i think you've earned a conjugal visit for good behavior. are you excited to see daddy, Junior?
Junior: *clapping hands* DADDY!!!
Comey walks through that door. bumping his head.
Comey and Ashley share a passionate kiss. their respective teeths hook together.
Ashley dusts off his shoulder.
Ashley: where have you been, honey? none of us have heard a peep out of you for months!
Comey: spying overseas. i'm just back from rigging the Catalonian election. that was pretty basic. what's the point of having a choice? of course you're going to vote for independence. still got shot at tho.
Ashley: and we're flipping. and we're flipping.
Comey: and we're flicking. WHO IS THAT TOMATO BISQUE CAN?
Ashley: Molly Qerim.
Comey: and seated next to her is Eminem and his lyrics, that's how she got the job.
Ashley: oh, now i get it. i see you working. you rub off on me good. but that's Max Kellerman.
Comey: my eyes are still adjusting. long flight. on a missile. fastest way to get here.
Ashley: Molly has the hots for Max. it's obvious. women notice these things. she loves it when Max gets hot and bothered over some social issue that doesn't really have anything to do with sports. tangential tangerine at best. every man must confront this in his lifetime. there will be a babe at work who likes you after you get married and you're damning the gods that you got married too soon. what do you do? a lifetime of commitment down the toilet for one monster fuck in the office toilet?
Comey is half-asleep.
Ashley: oh look, the World Series. that Todd Frazier is a babe. he has the perfect baseball look. his chin is stone square and he has that trailing red mark over his right eye. his crew cut is straight out of '50s central casting. you know he learned to play baseball on a Kansas farm.
Comey: is that Jeopardy bartender still on? he was world famous. we were watching him over there. restoring the good name of New York from the annals of anonymity.
Ashley: yeah, that guy. with the puppet marionette hand actions during his commercial breaks. the charades would have been unbearable if he weren't such a cute glass pixie with a fro. i'd like to think he's still innocent riding on a chilly afternoon into the big city on his bicycle wearing nothing but his karma.
Comey: can't believe that officer won with one dollar. that's gotta be a record. can't believe we didn't handle that in time. when will i see you working?
Ashley: *smiling* i'm working on it i'm working on it. it'll be sourced before your next bullet. be careful out there, Catacomb, living is fun. here. take this paper. just came down the wire. Admiral La David will keep you safe.
Comey: your smile melts my heart. hurry up, i gotta go back to my regular job soon.
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at the National Anthem played before Jeopardy, Jason Aldean sings a medley before disappearing into thin air. Tom Petty comes out on stage and stands on the very spot of the vanishing.
Tom Petty: i would not have approved of this. i am no second act.
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Less is trembling before school. he is assigned by his beloved mother to recover his bus pass. he shivers on a sunny day at the bus stop for an hour before realizing he has no bus pass. he sits himself down at the curb of a scooter shoppe. he doesn't shudder, afraid to move an inch. he walks sidestep like a crab to justify the fact he is lost and has no idea where to go. he stops at an ice cream place to kill some time before realizing that wasn't the problem. he finally makes it to the DMV, which is next to the school, hoping to have a long line for a built-in excuse. ghost town. he reads the sign above the clerk and pretends to put on glasses he doesn't need and gets nervous when he realizes he'll have to speak and sits on the waiting-room bench alone for ten minutes before taking the long way home.
Mr. Maldark pulls up in his Pinto.
Maldark: don't ride in cars with boys. or strange men. get in, dude, we're late for class.
Less: this is my first official hitchhike.
Maldark: cozy, huh? we're all just human. look in my pockets for some leftover bus tickets.
Less: they're used gum wrappers.
Maldark: the nerve of that flatfoot. he asks me to stare at his cock and the 100 is conveniently sticking out of his pocket square visible. he says that's the department's budget for the month and that bill is worth many hotdogs and he's just like me. he ain't foolin' nobody. your boy is an angel. this is the only time i get to use my whip. after the morning the car is in the parking lot at school worked on diligently by Deen. i'd give that boy an A on his permanent record if Effort was a subject.
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Maldark: welcome to traffic school! what are we all baking today? oh i see your desks are dusted and done. now we're cooking with gasoline. my favorite subject now: food. I am hungry.
Independent student: preserved lemon
Republican student: raw bird drumstick
Democrat student: fruit lunch
Less: Jittery John's espresso in a flask
Deen: Dave's Killer Bread. White Bread Done Right.
Kelechi: *laughing* haha, you funny, Deen. you white but you got some flavor.
Maldark: and me with my radiator soup! stewed right in my Pinto's radiator! go on while it's hot. the carrots are a little dry...
Mr. Maldark vomits all over the students' food.
Kelechi: and the broth's thick. oh Mr. Maldark, you're sick...
Maldark: i'll be alright. join me in the bathroom. it's not their fault. i haven't had food in a while. and then i had some. we need to get moving.
Kelechi: i know. he showed me his brochure, too. do you know anything about Formula One racecars? cos i got squadoosh.
Maldark: don't you know? you need a Master's at my driving school.
THE LATE PHOENIX: I WANTED TO BE FAMOUS. INSTEAD, I HAVE THIS BLOG.
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