MR. MALDARK: SWAILING

Superintendent Intendo is pacing back and forth in his office at the FBI. he drinks his papers and rifles through his cup of coffee. of course this spills his coffee all over his desk, in a beautiful waterfall down the center. he lifts up his dripping papers as he ponders what his next move should be.

Intendo: there's something about a piece of white paper stained with coffee. the brown forms elusive complicated vein patterns, like crushed waterpaint routes. it is quite magnificently poetic. it's like the coffee belongs on the paper, it is a work of art meant to be. whatever this was for before it is no more.

he rolls the paper into a makeshift hollow pipe and begins sniffing the cocaine off his desk.

Intendo: civil servant. no rolled 100-dollar bills for me. but it works the same. the great equalizer.

*phone rings*

Intendo: yeah. did you comb the whole house? even the bushes? do it the way i showed you, bottom to top so you don't harm the rosepetals? miss the stem? right. i'll be right over.

he tramples over his coat, hits his head on the coatrack, and shatters the glass of his door screwing with the knob.

________________________

President Bump is on a bike. he struggles to sit down and ride but the pedals are too big for him. he is like a clown without makeup. he blows the novelty coiled airhorn on the basket.

Bump: rolling? always rolling. the French countryside is landscaped with the color wheat as the pumpkins dot the roads. flowers bloom in time for the riders to be seduced as the scent paints the way to their stage finish. the lines are paved with jealous onlookers who have to work for a living. look at this clean path! no one in sight. i could win the Tour de France by myself if this damn contraption thing went faster than 3mph. alas, it is French and nonunderstandable. we need an American Tour de France. i had one once, don't listen to Tesh, Sellecca was saucy, she was looking for the greatest American hero. it was called the Tour de Bump, then sponsors came in and ruined it as sponsors do and renamed it DuPont or something. it did huge numbers but the public was confused. their sons wanted to grow up to be firemen and cops and baseball players, not riders of bike. i mean who ever heard of anything so absurd as a bicycle for a Christmas present? where would you put the bow? anyway the whole thing was a flop but don't blame me, blame the froggies. they invented Frogger.

Greg LeMond: i rode that. i always seem to be everywhere the bikeracing community doesn't want me to be.

Bump: we'll be right back after these messages.

but i never gave up on sports. i should have been a producer. sports are the lifeblood of this country, you know? they matter more than finances and nuclear obliteration. people don't care about tribalism, they care about their Yankess. i know that full well. i was gonna start my own network, TSPN. but the NFL sued to block me from carrying any of my broadcasts.

stay tuned, folks, the break is coming up, but we'll be right back. this is usually the time the Anthem is played and no one cares so it's not shown. but i'm here now. will i make a fuss again? you'll see. it's the calm before the hurricane.

at the National Anthem, Rex Tillerson is singing it.

Pence: my you are quite the heldentenor, Rex! you are so rich. with the voice. i didn't know you could sang.

Rex: singing is my real passion. i want to open on Broadway. are the Muppets still there? i want to do an SNL monologue. you know i know it's incorrect, but i still want to pronounce her name Gal Gadough. it just sounds right. and cooler.

Bump: doh! i thought she was a porn star. her name is a porn star. i challenge you to an IQ test. i'm the smartest person who ever lived. the Bible tells me so.

Rex: fine. what's the capital of Maine?

Bump: Bangor. that's how i met Sarah Palin.

Rex: wrong. Augusta.

Bump: what? it seems it should be Bangor. that would be cooler. and right. i mean Augusta, really?

Rex: the public changed on me. i was thought to be the mean grandpa. but i turned into the kindly old grandpa. YOU'RE the bad grandpa! i challenge you to a duel. meet me on the set of Qi on the week-END.

Bump: what is that?

Pence: British.

Bump: then it doesn't matter.

Rex Tillerson disappears into thin air.

Pence: oh. i was just about to take a picture of you, Rex.

___________________

Ashley Parker is being dragged down a dimly-lit hallway by Mueller.

Ashley: are you sure this will work?

Mueller: if we're quiet about it. it's gotta. for the sake of the country. and the world. do you really have to still be wearing your roller skates?

Ashley: hey you called me.

Mueller: quickly come inside my office.

Ashley: are you fucking me?! do you live under a rock?! do you not watch the news?!

Mueller: no. that's why i need you. i told you. i no longer have my FBI office where i left behind vital files i need to close the deal. i'm afraid you're stuck with me till this crisis is over. it won't be averted. one Intendo is the current occupant.

the door has a hole where the knob should be. Junior jumps into the hole. Mueller gingerly taps his foot to the hole and opens the creaking door slowly.

Mueller: *ushering* come on, come on!

and he slams the door shut.

Mueller: let's pretend we're making out. i hear guys down the hall approaching. hurry.

Ashley: no. never. done. remove my wire.

Mueller: oh damn! the window pane on the door is cracked! Junior, do your thing. Junior? where'd he go?

Junior like a pistol bullet retrieves a new pane of glass. but in the best traditions of The Three Stooges, he is carrying the pane over him and nobody sees him and they all tumble down and crash the glass. three times.

Junior: *gluing the edges of the glass with white paint* there, boss. it's all set in affixed to the door.

Mueller: see i want it to be all noir. they'll see the shadows of you and i through the glass, just the silhouettes, and know a man and woman are busy in here.

Ashley: getting raped.

Mueller: and leave us alone.

the three men walk by.

Mueller: some things never change. that bought me enough time. i got the crucial file. let's scram.