TENNIS TWINS: TENNIS BRACELET

 

Jimmy Connors: what time's the squirt's lesson?

Chris Evert: Kris's tennis lesson is at 3. Indian Palms. Roger's coming to the house to pick him up.

Kris: aw dad, i don't want to play tennis. i don't want to be like you.

Jimmy: you gotta do SOMETHING with your life, kid. can't just sponge off my earnings. 

Chris: actually you could if you were VERY frugal throughout your life with Jim's winnings.

Kris: i'll do it!!! i swear!!! it's a special kind of skill but i can do it!!! i can achieve this, i have the burning willpower to be a life bum!!! i'll only eat ONE KFC a week...

at the Indian Palms casino tennis court.

Roger Federer: this is a nice place your parents have here.

Kris: do they own this casino? i honestly have no idea.

Roger lugging a chain-link basket of balls: time to work on your forehand. your forehand is like leg day...

Kris: what's the point? what can i do? what kind of forehand can I hit? you've already perfected the forehead with your frozen rope.

Roger: you know it's funny but when i started becoming a coach, i realized that the world HAS COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME. yeah, it's true. shockingly unbelievable but true. it's amazing how the world just carries on like nothing happened after witnessing utter greatness. when they announced my retirement on ESPN, all ESPN did was have Patrick McEnroe for one five-minute segment talk about not how i was the GREATEST player of all time but rather how i was the player that made the world LOVE TENNIS AGAIN.

Kris: hey it's better to be loved than hated. adored than scorned.  

pizza cutter: a tool used to cut.........pizza boxes...

Ernest Hemingway: you had forgotten you liked key lime pie, that you actually preferred it to apple or pumpkin...

Target parties: that Utada Hikaru song about washing dishes...

Hyoga from Dr. Stone: i have the same mask as Kakashi from Naruto.

Suzy Lu: and you have the SAME FACE as my Kakashi!!!

the greatest benefit of tea: helps you relax...

Caroline: i am the reincarnation on of Mrs. Talbott. learning the organ is a life skill. don't mind me, i don't need to be invited in, i'll wait out here staring at the traffic. that's a lucid comment of mine addressing how shitty our location in Carmel is...

dad and i watching Too Close For Comfort.

Henry Rush: remember what word i taught you when you're out on your date?

Lisa Antille: no.

dad: um, no is already a Spanish word.

Lisa Antille: i know. besides i'm actually Italian anyway...

Ted Knight: i tried to patent my laugh but they said Jack Nicholson had already patented it. the patent office in those days was located in an insane asylum...

Bruce Lee calls Lindy Lenz again after awhile...

Lindy Lenz: hello? only my mom, doctor, and one other man has this number.

Bruce Lee: it's me. i love you.

Lindy: aw that's sweet.........is that it?

Bruce: yeah.

a week later.

Bruce: hello? it's your favorite nuker.

Lindy: what is it?

Bruce: .........i miss you.

Lindy: okay.........i guess that's.........still sweet...

caffeinated tea: defeats the purpose...

Noele Gordon: i was the British Judy Garland. i invented the Brummie dialect. i never married, but at least i never married Vincente Minnelli...

Vincente Minnelli: everyone thinks it's Vincent Minnelli, Mandela effect...

Embiid: hey does anyone stick around to watch Pistons Postgame?...

Gladyce: there's nothing i love more than freshly-washed towels, it's like getting a lasagna out of the oven...

Pat Phoenix: i feel i should know her...

deer tick: looks like a strawberry Fruit Roll-Up...

The Weather Channel: nobody's watching your channel anymore, you've given up, when you start doing segments where all you're doing is making hot cocoa...

Baroness Mone: i'm money, baby!!! i'm made of money!!!

Madame Pons: ...

Boc: when it's 6AM at The Barnyard on an abandoned Sunday morning, the Christmas lights on the triangular roofs are still on, and that eerie glow coming from the bathroom hits the corner of your eye as you walk alone, that's scary.

Hilda from Lucky: when it's overcast at 6AM, the yellow lights inside Lucky FULLY LIGHT the grocery store, that's magic.

Joe Flacco clapping: finish!!! let's finish, men. i can't believe i'm saying stuff like this again. i'm a grown man!!! i'm 40!!!

Boc: butterkeks, mmm, that REALLY sounds like a good time. butter all slathered on the butt like that. i'm just waiting till they make Butter Ramen...

Ted Knight, Henry Rush on Too Close For Comfort: i was the kinder gentler '80s version of Archie Bunker...

Goron in Tears of the Kingdom in his rockball-formation attack position mode.

Goron: as i launch, i repeatedly implore you Link, "WHY'D YOU DO IT?!!!"

Tommy DeVito: remember Catholic school? remember when they served us Bosco chocolate milk in the cafeteria?...

Roger Federer speaks to his pupil/client through the chain-link fence of the tennis cages.

Roger: you have a natural instinctive aptitude for this sport.

Kris: you think?

Roger: i mean you won the very first tournament you ever entered. you somehow strung together seven match victories with a 35mph first serve.

Kris: they said the prize was a tennis bracelet. i was expecting diamonds.

Roger: yeah no it's an actual bracelet you put around your wrist for winning the darn thing in lieu of the trophy. a wrist clasp.

Kris: gold?

Roger: yeah.

Kris: cool. i'll wear it. my sister's gonna be disappointed, i was gonna give her the tennis bracelet if it were diamonds...

Chris and Jimmy are perusing the family photo album.

Jimmy: i don't know ANY of these people...

Chris: hey Jimbo, remember our first wedding anniversary? those were STILL the best presents we ever gave each other.

Jimmy: yeah, we exchanged friendship bracelets. i put yours on your wrist and you did me. mine was a lanyard i weaved at summer sleepaway fishing camp in '37.

Chris: and mine was a silk plucked from my golden sun hair right before we fucked.

Jimmy: there was a lot of hairpulling that round, you had to keep ONE souvenir from your original hair.

Chris: we were doing friendship bracelets WAY BEFORE that bitch Taylor Kelce.

Jimmy: without friendship you got nothing.

MR. FURLEY'S APARTMENT

 

notes:

* Mr. Furley in full leopard robe: remember when Gordon Ramsay guest-starred on an episode?

Gordon Ramsay: the one and only time i wore bell-bottoms...

* Larry: your parents remember these colors, your parents HAD these colors, '70s colors were a pot of beef stew with potatoes and carrots...

* Jen R: why are you sad all the time?

me: my life sucks.

Jen: trying to blitz away another day?

me: yeah. all my days are this way now. false hope. endless waiting never ends.

Jen: you gotta be smart with what you put in your body.........food i mean. you gotta protect your stomach by GENTLY eating that cold Burger King cheeseburger you microwaved for 30 seconds in careful bites. slippery elm at 2AM drunk GINGERLY down your gullet. no ginger tea. and DEFINITELY no lemon tea!!! that stuff gives you chest stress!!!

me: chest stretchmarks.

* Tom Selleck: my voice in Three Men and a Baby sounds like if Kermit the Frog were a human...

* JM J. Bullock on Too Close For Comfort: they forced me into a marriage with Lisa Antille. i had to be with the Spanish maid even though i was clearly and obviously gay. and they forced me to be a cop. i mean who the fuck would willingly choose to become a security guard?

* Ted Knight on Too Close For Comfort: i was not in my right mind during that show. had nothing to do with age. they kept forcing me to LAUGH my trademark nervous struggle-laugh over everything. I HAD TO LAUGH AT EVERYTHING...

* Kyle Brandt: i wish i had named my son Pierre...

* Michael Weiss: i just realized i have no one on Instagram to talk sports with...

* Velvet Taco: Jem's pussy.

* The Head: sex, then the open road in an open convertible, then french fries from the drivethru in a crudely-drawn neighboring town, what more could you want out of life?

Jim: have you tried sex? sex is great. sex like THAT is great. we need to get you an alien woman.

me: it's weird but i'm jealous of Jim's life and he's a drawing...

* Leslie Parrish: i believed in Bach's concept of soulmates.........we later divorced...

JS Bach: ...

JS Bach: i mean i probably WAS married to you, i had 10 wives and 100 children...

* gate lice: the only way to board a plane in 2024.

Guttenberg: not in the '80s. there was plenty of room in airports in the '80s for running around...

* Holt Hanley: Nazare, the waves were so big there those waterfalls transformed me into a Shinto monk.

EZ Taylor: i feel you, surf bro, they made my van electric.

Holt: a van infused with spiritual electricity.

EZ farting after a hot dog: no, an electric van, no gas...

* Gladyce: i love when the dry spaghetti hooks, they look like little Little Bo Peep canes...

* pastoral psychology: i'm Freud but i splash holy water in your face before each session...

* Betty Boop: don't touch my tiddlies.........i am NOT winking at you...

* Princess Zelda: i have a triangular butt...

* Carly Severn: i know of only one circus performer who's flexible and stretchy enough to eat out her own cunt.........but she lives in Los Angeles...

Carly Severn: yeah speaking of forced decks, she performs her naked-pretzel-spider-walk in the Greater Los Angeles Metropolitan Area in people's backyards for parties on very nice rose oakwood polish-finish mahogany cedar decks otherwise used for outdoor grilling...

Gilbert Gottfried: roasting the stars under the stars...

Oscar Wilde: ...

* Frontdoor video app.

Paul smelling the rusted toilet chain through his mustache: i don't sing...

* flabongo: the first time Mr. Furley tried marijuana...

Mr. Furley: smooth.........smooth leaves...

* trash men: no Christmas card clamped onto the bin lid, we're atheists, remember?

* Peter Schrager: my best friend from St. Cyril's Lucio Rossi as a grown man...

* Harry & David: what's better than ONE box? TWO BOXES that pose as Christmas gifts, baby!!!

* Monroe Ficus in a Garfield comic-con costume: who brings their fucking Dobermann Pinscher out to The Barnyard in the morning?!!!

Nancy Dussault looking milfy: stand still for the sex pics, Monroe, i can't have you with the nervous shakes. i'm using my '80s Minolta with the three tiny grey cylindrical film canisters with the black caps.

Monroe: look, i don't know John Barrowman, okay?

John Barrowman: my relationship with Scott Gill is.........complicated...

* Omaha Steaks: comes with a styrofoam refrigerator...

* Patrick Mahomes: MVB, Most Vicious Bungle. of a call. the refs fucked up. they took away Travis Swift's historic once-in-a-million-shot lateral, a moment in time never to return...

* Toyota.

grandmother flipping through the photo album: now granddaughter, all i see IN THIS WHOLE BOOK are photos of you and a Golden Retriever. please tell me you're not a lesbian...

* Geico.

O.J. Simpson: SOMEBODY in this room stole this sports memorabilia. the most suspicious-looking dude here is that cat in the back with the fake golden mustache and gold surfer hair, the bassist for Blink 182...

CLICK HERE FOR A WAITING WHICH WILL NEVER EVER EVER END...

 

happy weekend, my babies. it's too late to buy a good Christmas gift.

TOMORROW: i mean we gotta try Velvet Taco now, right?

THREE MEN AND A BABY: DR. SPOCK

 

Jen R is driving Aeon Flux's Batmobile from that one episode...

i'm in the passenger's seat, Aeon Flux is in the backseat.

Aeon Flux: who knew? i had a Batmobile like this.

me: you're a good driver, Jen.

Jen: i never go slower than 100mph. that saves time. and gasoline.

Jen puts on the car radio to the Tears For Fears song "Advice For The Young At Heart".

me: this song always leaves a lump in my throat.

Jen: yeah, it's that mystical sound-tone in the middle that instantly makes the bride an older woman...

Jen R: have you noticed anything different about my voice?

me: it's sexier.

Jen: well that's a cruel thing to say. how dare you, sir. but it's true, i'm talking with Aeon Flux's voice from the cartoon, which is the SEXIEST VOICE OF ALL TIME.

Aeon Flux: thanks, bitch.

Jen: where are we going?

me: Shakespeare Tavern.

Jen: the one in New York City?

me: no the one in Atlanta.

Jen: oh that's brilliant!!! and better anyway, the one in NYC is just another gastropub. this one in Atlanta is an ACTUAL recreation of the Original Globe Theatre of Shakespeare's day. i know the main director and actor running the place, he was a BRILLIANT Othello last month!!!

Rubikon: thanks, bitch.

Aeon: what's the show on today's stage?

Jen: they're doing Season 3 of The Goes Wrong Show...

Aeon: well finally.

Jen: yeah i started smoking again but i'll be sure NOT to bring my antique matches...

Suzy Lu and Kakashi are on the Aeon Flux trains.

Suzy Lu: we practiced this, remember love?

Kakashi: i watched the previous couple...

the two are on opposite trains steaming toward each other. the two try to lock tongues but the microchip is not passed to the other's chamber located inside their tooth...

Suzy: what happened?

Kakashi: it's your teeth, my tongue got stuck in your braces like a caged chicken. 

Suzy: oh yeah sorry, bruv, i forgot i still had my braces on!!! they're invisible so everyone forgets about them. even my dentist. OH MY GOD I SAW YOUR FACE!!! i thought you were just gonna wear your trusted backup mask under your mask.

Kakashi: it's at the cleaners.

Suzy: i had forgotten how CUTE you were under your mask!!! i keep forgetting you don't have a hairy mole or lockjaw or something. 

Julia Ioffe to Michael Weiss: you must really have good friends on Instagram if they're willing to leave you a message and wait TILL TOMORROW for you to respond to it...

Tommy DeVito: when you live with your parents you have the swag to pull off the RED Mr. Serling Mr. Kotter coat...

Tommy DeVito's agent: i gotta start my new life with Dick Tracy. we Italians contain multitudes. 

Bell & Howell: the only way to see Bigfoot...

black Apple II Plus computer: not goth, Darth Vader was popular at the time...

Peregrine Pearson drinking perry: when does The Late Phoenix get some of that viscount money?!!!...

Travis Swift: that lateral counted.........picture in your mind that that lateral counted...

Leslie Sbrocco: pork perfume, better than Chanel No. 5...

Amazing Stories "Guilt Trip".

Dom DeLuise: i kissed Loni Anderson's mouth for a good 10 minutes without taking a breath. which is hard for a fat man.

Loni Anderson: i know you're a good cook and a French chef but your breath stinks like rancid fish!!!

Burt Reynolds: i directed this episode. i filmed my wife kissing another man for network television. that is kinky.

Charles Nelson Reilly: i left comedy to enter the priesthood...

Tommy Cutlets: i got the perfect mob-boss name.........but i'll tell you i love you with my big Italian smile...

Tommy DeVito: i really need an apartment now. need my own place. anybody got a Zillow under the Verrazano Bridge with enough room for my paisan Lucio Rossi?...

the Aqua Teen Hunger Force with Carl: we're proud of you, Tommy.

Tony Manero: yeah i'm real proud of you, Tommy, you were able to move out, you were able to escape the neighborhood, i'm still here with my 3 uh 2 mook friends...

at a Salinas dumpster fire.

Salinas Fire Chief: i'm the Salinas fire chief so i was fired from my job but nobody has any idea why. fired, get it?

Michael Weiss on Instagram: i've lost all track of which women are vegan and which women are meateaters...

Tyzik: wait how can a bot have 4000 followers on Instagram?...

The Head on MTV: this show brings me back to when i started writing and drawing cartoons when i was 5 years old in the garage using the garage-door lightbulb as my light at night...

Melissa Maker: desktop vacuum, no i do NOT want one of these for Hanukkah.

Dr. Vacc wearing Redbottoms: i do...

Rafael Nadal: i hit a hole-in-one once.

Carlos Alcaraz: me, too.........in miniature golf...

Norwich Castle: we got the best Golden Hours on our sidewall here...

Joyce Cary in a bed coat: unfortunately i'm Irish but i'm the OTHER less-famous Joyce...

slippery elm: when Freddy Krueger starts to feel better...

Freddy Krueger: when i DECIDE to feel better and that i'm finally gonna do something about my health, get serious about my health, when i start to feel healthy about myself...

Boc: food poisoning is a BLESSING...

Carly Severn: can a woman eat her own cunt out?

Prince: yes but she needs to be one of those REALLY FLEXIBLE STRETCHY circus performers. it's the same on the other side, a man can't give himself a blowjob, i've snapped a few ribs trying. it's a shame really, it would make things so much easier, women and men wouldn't have to date each other anymore, that whole dating scene is so exhausting.

Jen R: every band has an album entitled Crash...

Codrus: wait, Kirti Gompa monastery, their monks play CRICKET as their initiation?!!! sign me up, Indian Buddhism is WAY BETTER than Catholicism.

Cotard: plus, Kirti Gompa sounds like Willy Wonka, that's why they started to give their novitiate monks little cute chocolate candies to lure them to the sexless life.

Kirti monks: a quiet life. an uneventful life. have you ever played 1000 innings of cricket in a silent stadium?...

Willy Wonka in a '70s baseball uniform: '70s MLB baseball in the United States and Canada was the most sumptuous dank experience you could have as a young man. better than acid.

Ear Horn: Lechuza, bruja barn owl, the Mexican-witch version of Poe's raven...

Eye Luggage: Three Men and a Baby and go.

Spock: after this people thought i was Dr. Spock but i'm just Simple Spock, you know the guy with the ears who is so smart he learned English in one hour and can speak 1000 space languages. who calmly tells you you're a moron. you know, Leonard Nimoy the garden painter.

Celine from Before Sunrise: i wrote and directed the original French version of this...

Glenn Close: how the FUCK did THIS surpass Fatal Attraction? Fatal Attraction was a PHENOMENON.

Michael Douglas: people needed a break, you know?...

Tyzik: okay let's get this urban-legend business out of the way, THERE IS NO URBAN LEGEND, IT'S JUST A CARDBOARD STANDEE. i mean really you think some young boy offed himself with a rifle and he's there in the room looking and posing for Ted Danson with sad eyes holding the rifle? why? if i were the boy i'd be at the Cheers bar drinking myself to death with illegal underage beer...

Ted Danson: forget AI, just use cardboard standees for actors. movies would be so CHEAP to produce!!! my standee looks better than me, he doesn't need plastic surgery, his hair will always be brown, and he's in the continuous blissful state of performing Puttin' On The Ritz...

Tom Selleck: have you heard my VOICE in this? it's so soft and mellowed-out and almost scared, i didn't have that Magnum, P.I. energy in the timbre of my voice yet...

Tom Selleck: have you seen my blueprints? they give me blue balls.

Steve Guttenberg: i'll never be as good as Cosmic Cow. think back to the intro to Too Close For Comfort, that calming meditative marina, eating Spaghetti-Os as a boy of 7, 12-noon on a Saturday with nary a care in the world...

Ted Danson: spoilers, i'm the baby's father...

Tom: thank you for this lavish birthday party at a New York City highrise...

Jen R: this is so '80s NYC cliche. WE never got to experience this life, only Wall Street people did...

Tom: the premise is wrong, there is no such thing as a happy bachelor...

George Clooney: true.

Ted: i didn't recognize you with clothes.

woman: and i didn't recognize you without a drink in your hand. which is the bigger problem, naked or alcoholic? naked is easily solved...

Ted: i'm trying to remember this Sylvia woman.........i can't cos this is the actress's first-ever role...

Stratford Festival: like the Shakespeare Tavern but you get pregnant here...

Jen R: see what i did there...

Melissa Maker: i got you, bitch...

Ted: i'm in Turkey on the set of that Michael Jackson music video but ironically the dog food i'm promoting is salmon-flavored. i used to eat dog food when i was a struggling actor...

Tom: you're spending Thanksgiving in Turkey which means nothing to the people over there...

Tom: what's a baby doing at our doorstep?

Steve: drug deal gone bad. hey don't you love all the artwork i did on our front door here? the caricatures of all our faces, don't you love that NYC street-art vibe? very Parisian...

Tom: i'm starting to get the-greenhouse-from-The-Hand-That-Rocks-The-Cradle vibes coming from our house...

Tom: i can take care of a baby, i'm an architect for Christ's sake, i know how to build houses, i know homes, i know how to keep your home with a reverse mortgage...

Steve: Tom, i REALLY like you in these '80s jogging pants doing the StairMaster with your hands...

Tom: what's the difference between Pampers and diapers?

Ear Horn at Pic-N-Save: one of them leaves a killer diaper rash.

Tom: the difference between milk and formula?

Ear Horn: one is for cereal only. ah formula, that is such a witch-spell name, makes me faint. formula must be heated in the bottle in a saucepot on the stove for 130 degrees or the baby gets cholera and rabies.

Colin Quinn: six degrees of separation, aye? if i had joined up with you and become a Kid In The Hall, my career would have gone somewhere...

Dave Foley: ...

Dave Foley: i was told this was the White Noise grocery scene...

Cynthia Harris: luckily i'm here, i love babies, know how to care for babies, and really i should have been the mother of the baby at the end...

Guttenberg: FUCK!!! i burned the front of my wrist checking for the milk's warmth.

Backdraft: ...

Guttenberg: now i can't get a tattoo there...

William Baldwin: a little dab'll do you, one drop of milk on the front of your wrist, that always icked me out, always scared me...

changing the diaper.

Baby Huey: they really go for it in this movie if you know what i mean.

drug dealers: yeah the POWDERED MILK is the package, got it, wink wink nudge nudge.

Tom: there was a mixup.

drug dealers: yeah i mean who drinks powdered milk?!!! that's disgusting, not even BABIES should be drinking powdered milk!!! just go with the baby mama's tit milk, that's rich in nutrients and warm feelings.

Tom: i panicked, sorry. i got freaked out when i saw that cop ON A FUCKING HORSE!!!

Steve Guttenberg: look at this cartoon character i conjured up.........i created Chester Cheetah but it doesn't work cos he should be on cocaine, not heroin.

baby: i like eating Cheetos. i get my mouth all messy and orange, it's quite messianic...

Sergeant Melkowitz: i got my eye on you. can i hold the baby?

Tom: the baby's in Stratford-upon-Avon...

Melkowitz: i'm hot on the trail for one Matthew Makowski, my troubled demon-seed St. Cyril's nephew...

Mrs. Hathaway bound and gagged: how did the dealers know i was secretly into BDSM?

Aeon Flux: ...

Mrs. Hathaway: this experience was so traumatic i birthed Anne Hathaway.

Eye Luggage: but that SHOWER PHONE tho. that is a brilliant '80s device. see that was a new concept in the '80s. care to try it, babe?

Laertus: oh yes. we'll both be naked in the shower, i'll be on my big brick phone talking to my Wall Stret broker telling him to scrap the midcap.

Eye: while i'm sucking your dick.

Laertus: now THAT is '80s.

the three men gather.

Spock: okay it's time for the three men's famous barbershop-quartet song scene. did everyone practice the song separately in their trailer? this will only work if we get a HARMONY out of this. 

Guttenberg: i swallowed the pitch pipe. hey at least the baby didn't swallow it.

Margaret Colin naked under the sheets: can you baby me like that? call me baby names and stuff.

Tom Selleck: sure.

Margaret Colin: just don't use a baby voice, a man with a mustache using a baby voice is CREEPY.

Celeste Holm: i will NOT be your kid's mother, son.

Ted Danson: mom, i'm a screwup.

Celeste Holm: your father was a screwup and now YOU are a screwup, think about it...

Ted Danson: right now picture me as Mrs. Doubtfire...

the men: we're at a construction-site elevator but i promise you this will NOT END like that Heath Ledger Batman movie...

Nancy Travis: it's weird, right? seeing me trying to pull off a British accent as my first thing...

Steven Spielberg: take heed, this will be the last movie in which three men cry real tears...

George Lucas: did your heart falter when the baby went missing? did your heart skip a beat in anguish and fright? is your heart in your throat right now? good, this is called forced separation anxiety in filmmaking to see if even bachelor men are still human...

the three men: and now because this is the '80s the ending must be us running to an airport...

Mario Joyner: yeah i'm that stand-up comic you always saw in the '80s in front of that brick wall.........i am in no way related to Mario Van Peebles...

Guttenberg: your comic is better than my comics.

Mario Joyner: the first time your baby girl calls you DADDY, your heart will melt and it will never be put back together again. yes we comedians need GREAT PAIN for our act to work...

the three men: and now because this is the '80s the ending must be us running through an airport...

Guttenberg: now see, this is why America goes to the movies. for this type of ending, this completely unrealistic everything-put-in-place happy ending where the FIVE of us all live under one roof raising and rearing the baby. it's pure fantasy and OOH OOH OOH but do we NEED this fantasy in our lives. for hope. we CRAVE that warm comforting soothing reassuring allaying feeling of everybody being in a house together. g'night folks.   

Tokyo Godfathers anime film: the BEST version of the 3 Godfathers trope...

 

TENNIS TWINS: CHRISSIE EVERT MARRIED JIMMY CONNORS

 

Chris Evert: where's John?

Jimmy Connors: that bastard? John McEnroe is attending the funeral of his late father-in-law in Vegas. he's doing the eulogy.

Chris: let me call him up. John? you okay over here? don't do the glass skyscraper thing, you're scared of heights, remember? you'll barf in your short shorts.

John McEnroe: Ryan O'Neal, like cocaine, was a hell of a man. 

Chris: Kristian, help your sister clean up. supper was good. i made it.

Connie: aw mom, he always makes a mess when he eats chicken. i'm not licking the plates again.

Kris: has anyone seen my gold chain? i can't leave the house without first wearing my gold chain...

Chris: i'm getting  a BEEP on my phone while i'm on the phone, must be another call. oh it's Aunt Steffi!!!

Steffi Graf: hey bitch, i'm calling you from the GOOD seats at the Lakers game in Vegas. the Lakers won the NBA Cup!!!

Chris: i mean what the fuck does that mean? what the fuck is the NBA Cup? how's Andre?

Steffi: the mob bosses got him. just kidding.

Chris: have you seen Martina? i've been trying to hang out with her for the past three years but she's never home.

Steffi: Martina Navratilova became a psychic spirit medium after her dream video went viral. she helps the less fortunate interpret their dreams. ironically, she's never in Vegas...

Chris: i gotta get off...

Steffi: me, too. i gotta get off, someone else is BEEPING me while i'm on the phone...

Julie Winters from The Maxx: i don't have a potbelly, i was pregnant with The Maxx's baby the whole series...

The Maxx: they don't show my unmasked human face at the end when i'm in the greenhouse because MY face is EVERYONE'S face.........we're all just trying to navigate this brutal thing called life...

Michael Weiss: i REALLY liked The Maxx. "women are everything to men, but women don't need men at all." that is so true. especially in The Maxx's toxic parasitic spongey spongeworthy leeching soul-sucking dependent relationship to you, Julie. 

Julia Ioffe: ...

Tom Cruise tightroping a log in Pleasant Ridge: i went to the star museum and was booed off the stage. what happened?

Pleasant Ridge: the name of our enclave does not mean penis. you were being a penis, Tom Cruise. those high-school students came there for the planetarium, not you...

planetarium: and the Panera inside our planetarium...

Holt Hanley: i learned surfing on the Eisbach.........and so did everyone else...

flexbone: Doryce on Fridays...

me: the only Heaven i want to go to is the 1980s one where you're in an empty room full of fog-machine smoke...

Bruce Lee: how was your McDonald's i got from my electric skateboard traveling all around up and down the streets of San Francisco?

Lindy Lenz: tasty. at first. but then the greasy bowels came. and i quickly started to remember how unhealthy a meal McDonald's always is...

Paul: when you're old like me, greasy bowels become your backyard swimming pool.

Michael Weiss: you have to realize that all the women you encounter on Instagram WILL BE MARRIED...

hot holding: you won't get sick eating our food as long as you're held by Doryce's hot sex.

Holt Hanley: ...

Boc: yeah i'm staring at you right now. you look CREEPY carrying a stack of 20 pizza boxes.

Anthony Bourdain: if you drink craft beer you HAVE TO own a dog the size of my thumb...

Benjamin Zephaniah: every poet, writer, filmmaker, musician, street performer, and drawer has a work of art entitled "Naked"...

Benjamin Zephaniah: i know it's hard for you white cops to understand, but i DID actually get this BMW with poetry...

Gladyce: eat out to help out? yes let's do this.

Doryce: yes. let me start on you...

Boc: The Boys in the Boat? yes i'm gonna watch this one...

Jen R: if you're born in New York, New York, of COURSE you become a soap-opera star...

stump grinder: Smurf Village on Friday nights...

Ear Horn: stumping powder is a witch delicacy, better than Bosco.

Abbot Butt: a priest got handsy with me at Hanchurch, that's why i became a monk...

Holt Hanley: ...

mom: i had a football injury...

Ryan Gosling: i'm leading the Detroit Lions to their best season ever. i got the JFK-elected magic energy wind on my back powering my sail...

Roy, the purple alien with the blue eyes in The Head on MTV: my face is CREEPY but i'm the NICEST alien you'll ever meet...

Roy Paranzuela: ...

Mordecai: The Head has those Regular Show vibes...

Jim from The Head: The Head is the ONLY underground comic to EVER get a Season 2...

Robert Crumb: this is true.

Adam Driver after the SNL Cut-For-Times: it's clear i should play Leisure Suit Larry in the live-action film...

Rod Serling wearing the Mr. Kotter black coat: taking out the trash makes my body JUST WARM ENOUGH that i have to take off the coat.

Mr. Kotter: i know what you mean, it's just enough exertion...

Lorne Michaels: those SNL Christmas skits where it's 6 of our cast around a coffee table talking at a Christmas party are so warm and comforting and COZY. and hopeful. because the world has no time to go to Christmas parties anymore...

bald man in the Xfinity commercial: reconnecting with mom. BOTH meanings of connecting. i am the MOST EARNEST PERSON you will EVER meet...

mom: stitches in my knee, that's the good pain...

Jennifer Lopez from The Weather Channel: i'm the other Spanish meat...

Boc: are you proud of your little house? your little house you've built up and worked on for more than a fucking year. from foundation to black-tar shingles. it's been a year of just fucking noise pollution...

Jimmy Connors: what time is it?

Chris Evert: 5PM. and the kids are still up.

Jimmy: fuck that. get those fucking kids to sleep. it's past their curfew and i don't care that they're 18 years old. they're never gonna learn DISCIPLINE enough to become tennis players.

Chris and Jimmy by the couch plop their fat butts down and open up the photo album.

Chris: ah, you hear that? silence. we can SLOWLY turn each laminated page of our photo album in peace and really STARE at every single detail of each Polaroid picture.

Jimmy: each photo is an oil painting in the Louvre.

Chris: remember photo albums? they were so '80s. ah, look at us here. the day of our wedding.

Jimmy: the two of us on the tennis court. you not in a wedding dress but in bell-bottoms and platforms, i like that in a woman, you don't care about fashion, you're no fuss no muss.

Chris: i had totally forgotten we had EACH won Wimbledon that week!!! i was completely distracted by organizing and planning our wedding. the good thing was the Wimbledon flowerboxes served as our purple wedding flowers. look how sweet that kiss is. how come we don't kiss that way anymore, honey?

Jimmy: that's a honeymoon kiss, can only happen once. 

Jimmy: also, Steffi Graf is my sidepiece, i was the interrupting beeper...

  

ODE TO KATHRYN FROM WENDY'S

 

notes:

* Ear Horn: an old woman with two good legs is the most beautiful sight in the world...

* Aeon Flux: the blonde Aeon-looking woman looks like Julia Roberts...

Julia Roberts with German Expressionism muscles: Aeon Flux got me into BDSM...

* Aeon Flux: i don't dress like a rough slut because my chastity belt is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to remove.

Trevor Goodchild: it can only be opened with my rod.........my golden rod...

* grandmas and grandpas in the cast: it ain't easy. we old actors have to have a mind sharp like a lucid steel trap to do our jobs. we must maintain the mind of a 20-year-old to read our lines to perfection with character and timing pretending we're senile.

Jamie Lee Curtis: and be sure to drink many many Ensure protein shakes. for memory.

* Jamie Lee Curtis: in my younger years max protein shakes meant cum but now that i'm old they mean Ensure...

* Caroline: be like me, a gilf in a red sweater who drives alone everywhere in my Subaru minivan and makes cookies that taste funny in the good way. i'm continuously experiencing my younger days...

* Lyle "The Animal" Alzado: wait am i promoting the NFL or the WWF?

Pete Rozelle: same thing.

Lyle Alzado: i'm not the face of Monday Night Football, i AM Monday Night Football...

* Febreze: we're not spying on you but we have a microchip in your fragrance...

* Sensitive Santa: where's MY Christmas present?!!!...

* Paul looking like Sam Elliott: the good thing about getting caca on your hands going poo is you're near the toilet so you can wash your hands in the upper toilet-tank water. my daughter likes Princess Mononoke, too...

* Boc: all dogs hate me now cos they sense i'm a cat lover now...

* Boc: how many trucks can fit in the driveway of the house being worked on across the street? turns out it's 10. fucking noise pollution at 5AM and noon...

* mom: it's like a dream.........a good dream...

* Melissa Maker: i became your friend simply because i'm around all the time...

* Hala Gorani: i married Anthony Bourdain...

* Ralph Cirella: i'm Andy Dick if he were nice. what came first, my hair or Howard Stern's hair?...

* CosMc's: has a spinoff restaurant ever been successful? George Jetson had his first Egg McMuffin here...

* Madison from Splash in her lobster skirt on the red carpet at the Louvre...

Zendaya: nobody sees your skirt because the carpet is red. it's MY time now, honey!!!

* Boc: a cramped calf muscle, a hamstrung hamstring, is a BLESSING...

* Fawn Sharp: the world won't get to see my daughter Moon Torrance who is a gifted tennis player because they say that rectangular piece of our Indian land is not ours...

* Ted Knight on Too Close For Comfort: how can a cartoonist be a conservative?...

* Leslie Sbrocco: i mean eventually we're gonna run out of restaurants in San Francisco...

* Cafe du Monde: so EVERYONE does better beignets than us?!!!...

* Beathard: beat hard? oh come on, it's deliberately spelled that way...

* dogs: we do NOT like pulling your Christmas tree like a sleigh wearing fucking soft-felt reindeer-ear antlers!!!

* Boc: cold one this morning...

Super Mario working maintenance: you are communicating to me that you want a beer?...

* Amit Patel: no i'm the dude in Duval with the long-ass Trent-Reznor hair, harem pants, and heels that does magic on railroad tracks Criss Angel WISHES he could spell. 

Criss Angel: Crissmas Magic, my manager forced me to name my December show this...

* Amazon holiday decorations.

nextdoor neighbor: the family to the left of me hang their Christmas lights with panache and flair. i on the other hand use a couple of my lights to spell out the word DITTO and an arrow pointing to their house. on Halloween with my lights i spell out the word

THEIR HOUSE IS CURSED --->

* three musicians in a band.

lead singer lady: look at our album cover, very black-and-white and out-of-focus like Bob Dylan.

guitarist: the album cover would look better like THIS. looks like a '90s black-and-white bokeh album cover from the '90s band Live.

lead lady: that instrument you play is an abacus...

lead lady: and i look like Trent Reznor's wife...

drummer: the album cover looks better like THIS. John Fogerty's disco-folk period. you two have to agree with me cos i'm the Kramer of the band.

* No Mercy UNO: is that like that Monopoly that encourages you to cheat?...

* Allstate: the gallon jug of milk thing. see? you could never hold a Big Gulp from 7-Eleven in your car's cupholder before cos the cupholder was never big enough. cool purple-'70s-snake-puppet steering wheel. and the guy with the fish tank in the back seat, LEAVE IT THERE!!! it looks cool, brings an atmospheric ambiance to your car from the 1994 Canadian film Exotica. and finally sticking post-it notes on all your car's four windows, this is a good way to focus, to concentrate on your interior life and your work without the distractions and unkindness of the outside world.

* Meta.

Tom Hanks: you may learn the piano with Meta, but you'll never be me...

Steve Irwin: why are you swording that poor lizard-hood dinosaur creature thing? you should learn to love it and preserve it.

Mark Hamill: that's the secret. you know why us Jedis are so good with a lightsaber in our hand? we all took ballet.

* Travis Kelce: how many boyfriends has Taylor Swift had?

Cable Kings: 12.

Travis Kelce: 12?!!! FUCKING TWELVE?!!!

Cable Kings: we get the pigs-in-a-blanket free cos we look like Steve Irwin. hey Travis, are you gonna put out a country album?

Travis: my expertise is Christmas music.

CLICK HERE FOR HALLELUJAH THE START OF THE NEW WORLD

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: i gotta try the Wendy's Pumpkin Spice Cold Brew to see if it really tastes like battery acid...