CENTER CORE: THOM MUFFIN

 

it's another day at Berkeley. at Core Center, the out-of-the way rectangular building in the vines next to the Starbucks which houses one Eastern lounge with a spiced rug that meets those with the distinct major of Religious Studies.

Jen R gives me a lift in her Harold & Maude car. she drives right onto the center of campus barely avoiding the lion fountain.

Jen R: like my Lana Turner pose?

me: she was a natural brunette, right?

Jen: you're only a Religious Studies major because of Silk.

me: well, no, it's not a useless major, i'm gonna be Gandhi.

Jen: too late. it's because Silk is a beautiful woman. Silk has a butt that's two volleyballs.

me: and she wears that mysterious chocolate-brown tunic.

Jen: and her pink eyes.

Silk: the tunic is dark mauve in summer. sorry, summer is the only time Berkeley allows Religious Studies majors to roam campus embarrassed and unseen.

Jen: i think i have enough credits to graduate, what am i still doing here?

Silk: RELIGIOUS STUDIES MAJORS UNITE!!!

me: unions are hot.

Silk: what's going on with college life these days? everything old is new again, 18-year-olds on YouTube are reacting to old episodes of Dragon Ball and "Smells Like Teen Spirit" as if it were a new song and the world has never heard of grunge before. i have staked my entire life on Hinduism, that Hinduism is the correct religion. it must be, right? it's so cool.

Jen: and peaceful. and good vibes.

Silk: the young today think religion boring. but the Vedas are eternal, they teach us life lessons even now. we just need New Vedas to jazz it up for the AI Generation, you know? 

Martin Scorsese: put that 8-armed blue guy in a Marvel movie.

Silk: it's not all dust in your toes and dank ganja up your nose and a bead in your vagina. life-improvement can be interesting.

Jen: i'm guessing you've gone barefoot your whole life.

Silk: with an ankle bracelet dropped by a '70s Timothy Leary in Encinitas, which later became Encino.

me: i look like Felix Auger Aliassime.

FAA: and i look like Drake. what is on my shirt? the chair from the Depeche Mode "Enjoy the Silence" music video?...

It's a Living: in order for the show to work, the women have to have MANY ex-boyfriends...

Shakespeare: not even I should be 3 hours...

Trinity the cat: call me Hang-Loose Jack.

High and Low.

Akira Kurosawa: this is not Hawaii Five-O: The Movie...

L: it's more like Death Note: The Movie...

Toshiro Mifune: these are fine women's shoes, i wear them myself. do you know how much weight women carry in society? our sales are flat because we only sell flats. i'd make a handsome president. we won't take the Old Man to war, he's too old. Slipshod was the first name of Mario. let's make Moon Boots, it's the '60s, right?

wife: i'm not a geisha. like the Bjork swan on my kimono?

Toshiro: this whole thing is my fault, because i hated goody-two-shoes sheriffs. speaking of shoes, this is over shoes? R.I.P. Armani.

handsome police inspector: we're not police, we are Toys R Us.

baldy: in Japan, if you're bald, you're a demon.

Toshiro: and still she persisted.

Brett Somers: dowry...

Toshiro: rainfall showerhead, couldn't resist.

inspector: the kidnapper hung up after 10 rings!!!

Toshiro: fine, take my Polar Cube.

Mario: there's one coin-operated payphone by the Nintendo offices...

briefcase: it's Sgt. Pepper's. there's a capsule in these crispy yen bills that emits a pink smoke like Kirby.

Akira Kurosawa: dolla dolla bills y'all!!!

mom: i was the old lady hot and hard of hearing. does tobacco cool the body?...

pharmacy: ether? like your Instagram friends. no, we only buy Thrifty Ice Cream wholesale.

Taguchi: what a bunch of assholes. those men have clearly never worn high heels. did anyone have a grudge against Gondo? like a girl in a white nightgown with long black hair covering her face? jog a memory, oh, i thought you meant, because i'm too fat to jog.

Gondo: after the Bomb there's no more balcony-lawn here but i still mow to meditate.

Mister Rogers: i'm not the culprit...

Fat Buu: i got the R2D2 voice. 

Goku trying to power up: it's like when you just can't cum.

Suzy Lu: i need a bath after that episode. my Scottish castle has one wall-sized window that opens out to the countryside, the plains wolves watching me react to anime give me quizzical looks.

me: remember in the '80s when you crossed your fingers behind your back to indicate what you just said was a lie?

Jen R: or to crush Scissors with Rock.

Spock: leave me out of this...

Father Navin: if a priest crosses his fingers behind his back, he can never leave the priesthood, even if he marries Barrie Youngfellow...

Zantac: could the print BE any smaller?

Chandler Bing: ...

Chandler Bing: it's fine...

Berkeley Pharmacy: and could the pills BE any tinier?!!!

Talia the cat: you pour the milk into a saucer, the milk pools in a heart shape.

me: saucers are so '80s.

Caitlin Clark: that's the Caitlin Clark Heart. still works even if i'm out.

cancer sign: not a sign you have cancer. the horoscope thing.

Violetta Laze: ...

Violetta Laze: Cancer sign. not the Big C.

West Point: but we WILL honor Forrest Gump, who was the greatest war hero...

Michael Weiss: see the thing is, in order to gain any traction on Instagram, you have to be crazy and enter a stranger's DMs!!!

Julia Ioffe: it's true, or you'll never actually TALK, you'll only look at pictures.

Ask button on youtube videos: no you can't talk to the creator...

Roger Federer: so you just steal Lindsey Vonn away from me?

Jannik Sinner: it's not like that, papa chocolate, she came on to me. to be fair, you aren't playing tennis anymore, so...

Lindsey Vonn: Italy is known for its chocolate. Roger, when you tried to ski, you became an actual frozen rope...

Fannie Flagg: i'm not just tits and a butt...

Superman on Match Game: always answer S, which is my butt.

Silk: remember when the VMAs in the '90s was the COOLEST event of the year?

me: the cool kids!!! you know, Jack Nicholson!!! Madonna!!! don't you want to be a cool kid invited to this party? that one year when Martin Short's date was Magic Johnson. you knew it was cool because Tabitha Soren was anchoring.

Tabitha Soren: with my co-anchor Kurt Loder.

Kurt Loder: people still liked Aerosmith and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Jen R: they were the Oscars for teens!!! you had to stay up late, skip your homework, trick your divorced dad, and watch them or you weren't cool at school the next day. all the girls were glued to their MTV to catch a glimpse of Eddie Vedder's eyes.

Silk: as he performed "Even Flow" acoustic somehow.

at an anti-Trump rally in the middle of campus, the middle of town, the large throng of people in blasted shirts and painted bicycles collectively sing the Radiohead song "Let Down."

Thom Yorke wearing a bandana: this is wonderful. i never thought one of my songs would be used like this. you hear how they're singing it? it's painful. it's in dour tones, they're chanting it like at a church, it's "Let Down" as a Black spiritual...