THE WOMAN HAUNTS: NOT A SOUND

 

Jen R: THEY'RE ALREADY SELLING HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!

me: i know, right? sorry that the only place i take you on a date is Safeway.

Jen: nah it's cool, there's always something new to explore. want your first Pumpkin Spice Latte of the season?

me: a little hot for that, doncha think?

Jen: thank you. a little hot, that's about right. that's how my mom describes me to her Canasta friends. it's only 100 degrees out there under an overcast sky, drink up!!!

Tales from the Darkside "Ring Around the Redhead": Starman in reverse...

Janet Wood: that's not a zero on my blue nightgown, that's an O for orgasm, this is Three's Company after all.

Gene Rayburn: what's your score?

Joyce Bulifant: Sagittarius, i don't bowl.

Christina McHale: i'm Jess Pegula if she actually needed to play tennis to earn a living.

Aubrey Plaza: what did Joe Biden's notes say? I still can't believe that in this political climate i won!!!

Stephen A. Smith: see i NOW come from old money...

Taylor Fritz's coach: this is serious, son.

Taylor Fritz: i know. his name is Machac as in mechanic.

coach: DON'T SASS ME, BOY. his name is Thom with an H like that English-muffin guy in the dandy duds. an English muffin is not a fruitcake.

Taylor: unless you spread it with apricot.

coach: in bed over stuffy sheets.

Ostapenko: no excuses, i apologize for my abhorrent behavior. fulsomely.

Taylor Townsend: you really gotta learn how to take a loss better, i mean jeezus!!!

Ostapenko: it's just.........you see it's different for us Eastern Bloc girls. the U.S. Open is the final major of the year, if we embarrass ourselves, we embarrass our country, and are asked by our country never to return to our country, and then it's illegal for women in our country to play tennis again.

Rybakina rolling her eyes: tell me about it. end of year, last chance to make a showing, and one afternoon you go back to your lockerroom and you locker is cleaned out. your coach has changed his phone number, the same coach that got you pregnant at Wimbledon. that's not failure, that's new life. i mean who do you think you are? Lorne Michaels?

teakettle: remember when i WHISTLED.

parmesan cheese: it's yellow but not in the good way.

olive oil: it's green but not in the good way.

Ann Jillian: check one...

Jaleel White: fucking finally some new episodes of Flip Side, Week 1: Jamie Lee Curtis...

every stepdad in an '80s show: named Biff, mustache, beer cans on the sofa, wears a navy-blue shirt and navy-blue baseball cap, tight-fitting jeans, calls his stepson a wuss for liking science over football.

stepdad: living on a boat is not as cool as you think. there's homework in 3rd Grade?

the Palma prom: for the first time in 75 years...

Super Mario: when the portapotties get delivered to the worksite, NOW that driveway's gonna get done.

Three's Company: leave the front door open, it's fine.

Ellen Muth: you cannot find peace through acting, you can only find peace by constantly sipping a glass of wine all day at your vineyard. 

Cliffy Drysdale: i ain't retirin' till i see Fred Stolle walk his fat arse up those stadium stairs one more time...

Fred Stolle: you were my constant companion.

Comcast: calm cats.

Xfinity: finicky Friskies cats.

Brett Somers: did we ever get Dean Martin on the show? for Match Game is a Hollywood roast.

Dirg: why?

Mardith: women on Instagram with 100,000 followers have earned the right not to talk to lowlifes like you.

Friends Fall: that Friends episode with the Thanksgiving football game.

Friends fall: Matthew Perry.

Matthew Perry: in Heaven i'm Chandler Bing.

Faith Minton: i mean have you ever seen a face that was perfect for Rocky Horror Picture Show?!!!

Jen R: we had a bond born of common interest.

me: losing you, the pain washes over me like an everlasting culvert plugged in my brain. i can't think. with dad dead you were the only living soul who understood me. the only person i've known. do you know how rare it is to find a woman who knows 1970s sitcoms? you know who Alan Swann is. you make the night less scary. you actually cared about my sunburnt neck, you offered to have zinc oxide drug-delivered to my door. read my mind.

Jen R: Harold & Maude.

me: only you in the entire world would guess that correctly.

me: you once told me life was bullshit, it was all a cruel nothing.

Jen: echoing your heroes who knew deep-down: Cobain, Bourdain, Spalding Gray. funny how i was the only woman in this nihilistic bunch.

me: not even dad admitted that to me.

me: when i'm with you, i forget about time. time stands still, never to return.

Jen: without me, your project of outlasting time will go on forever. 

me: i am in Hell.

Jen R: of course you are. your dad's death has only just NOW hit you.

me: but when i'm with you, i'm not in Hell.