TMIT: THE THINKER, PAINT IT BLACK

1. when are you most motivated? now, as i'm losing my friends one by one...

2. if you didn't know your age, how old would you think you'd be?

funny this comes up, this is the conundrum i've been struggling with awhile now. i haven't dealt with it and i'm not on tv with a suitcase. see, and this was before the pandemic. i got lost in time where Time wasn't a thing for me anymore, i stopped counting the seconds. and the days. like that commercial for fortified chocolate milk with hormones i drink everyday. and then i did a reacharound and tried to think when my birthday was again and couldn't. i smoked with a caterpillar instead to forget. that i needed to forget. that was depressing. i don't know how old i am anymore...and i don't want to find out, i'm scared to.

……...instead i remain the 12-year-old nostalgic boy from the '80s i've always been...Fedco pizza...kissing red frogs...sleeping in hospitals...

3. what is one part of your everyday routine that you'd be better off without?

my Archer reviews. damn it all to hell. i did a review of EVERY SINGLE episode from the last season of Archer...really thinking that would be the last season!!! and it kinda was, i mean that last episode was quite Anthony Bourdain, quite retrospective psychedelic. and then they turn around and say THIS season coming up this week this Wednesday is gonna be the last season!!!...maybe!!! well HELL NAW i'm not gonna do Archer reviews anymore, those things are time-confusing and time-consuming and laborious...and for what?...what do i gain from them!?...

4. what is a question you wish people would ask when they meet you for the first time?

do you bore easily? cos you're gonna get bored with me real quick...two weeks tops and i'll never see you again...at least let me keep the pesto gum...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

DON'T WASTE COKE ON TOILETS

notes:

* WARNING: this may make you give up the internet forever

* not real birds

* done before the whole Fallon controversy. Fallon the dummy with the dummy

* how many holes does a human have? one...

* Soda Springs: it's not what you think...

* the dog on Frasier was the spirit of the dead erudite professor father of the two brothers...

* whenever i see Moby's face from now on i will also see Natalie Portman's face

* and why does every AI robot look like Natalie Portman?...

* remember, The Office, Gervais is on our side, he just wants us to be less stupid about it. to get the bricks out yer head...

* Equestrian Couples: not what you think, two human wranglers involved

* dude, you are no Jessica Simpson. you are at most Elliott in a grey hoodie

* hey Siri, repeating is not knowledge

* life hack: if you're taking a depression test, you're depressed.

* daily problems staying alive...

* ah the good old days, when viruses were viruses……...when they were just harmful computer viruses... 

* blonde babe is not a PC expert who will feed you grapes in your ear as you get your headset on, she is an AI...

* the important thing is to talk to someone. even if that someone is the guy online who is there to fix your connection to your shrink

* please, let's not do the Her thing again, i comprehensively explored all the Her issues in a previous story... 

* Frank C: my name is Frank but i'm not in the mob

* when they ask where you're from, hang up

* Frank C: i'm from Florida but it's not what you think

* OMG that's the sound from Legacy of the Wizard!!!

* Frank C: use Facebook...not to stalk me tho...

* Frank C is Ollie Wride!!!

* Frank C is what Ronaldo would have been sans soccer: a European DJ

* am i wasting my life? yes, don't go to any more links 

* zoom doctor: is your mind constantly racing? well at least you have it better than me, I'M FUCKING WOODY ALLEN FOR CHRISSAKE!

* make a list of all your horrible worries......and don't put it in the fire...keep it on the fridge so you see it every morning before work...

* why doesn't my tongue taste good? two words: TRY TANG

* Jon, Jon, did i wake you at 3 in the morning? it's not a spam call. it's not a spam call!

* Jon: i look like that one MMA fighter you know...

* no girlfriend? well your girlfriend is your girlfriend, your friend, and your family...

* nobody likes you...right now...maybe get another look than shoe bomber...

* everything's better with pictures

* how to get people to like you? shake their hand...

* eyebrow flash. eyebrow flash when you're taking pictures outside...

* Jude Law: you'll never have a better eyebrow flash than me...

* scrap the Bible. start over. have the Bible written by all women this time and see how the world turns out...

* for the record, Steve Harvey's favorite cookie: peanut

* don't rush to conclusions, Frank C might have seen it but his seen is on invisible

* wanna go out for breakfast later? come on, Taco Bell Breakfast Sauce

* and of course no one watched this cos everyone was too sad after the Venture Bros news

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i dunno, i wanted to go to the In N Out drivethru but i can't see an inch in front of my face. the haze mixes with the dust, it's confusing cos the marine layer mixes with the smoke so it's deceptive, you don't know if the grey-blue is cool or hazardous. when the In N Out girl bangs on my car window i'm gonna think it's a Sandworm!

i could always go to Dave & Buster's...ding ding ding my friend...ding ding ding...but i'm afraid of loud noises...

CARRENO BUSTA FOR THE U.S. OPEN!!! CARRENO BUSTA RHYMES!!!

PENN PAT: MONTE CARLO, ISLAND OF EXISTENCE

Pat crashes into the island of Monte Carlo with his little tugboat. the medium rock takes out much of the wooden planks and and the floorboards become the tug's green roof. the stacks of smoke blend into the soaked atmosphere. the sinews in Serano's pipecleaner arms strain to their limit as he stretches stretches stretches the rope back to shore and puts the rope around a Coke plastic six-pack ring.

Serano: your starboat's sinking fast, pal. better think about what you'd like to save off it!

Pat: um, i dunno. my valuables? my baby photos? no. my wedding photos? no. my wedding dress? no. i guess these wood racquets here...

Serano: this is alright, the best way to experience a new place for the first time is to crash-land in it. summer internship after graduating college?

Pat: summer? i'd like this to be the place i live in forever. life internship...

Serano: nobody lives in Monte Carlo. we exist in Monte Carlo. Monte Carlo isn't a place, Monte Carlo is an idea...

Pat: what do you guys do for fun here?

Serano pushes Pat's hair up against the stucco wall violently.

Serano: hey! pal! listen to my eyes! you want drugs? you come to ME for drugs! no one else! i got anything you want. i can get anything you want on the island. i got the hookup. speed? speed gummies? DD?

Pat: DD?

Serano: designated driver. i'm your designated driver, remember that.  

Pat: is that the hotel up there? on that hill?

Serano: it's not a hill so much as the hotel is built into the rock. that was a big rock. Sean Connery himself carved it with his cock. Sean comes from the sea. the only 5-star hotel in the Mediterranean Basin. that place is so luxurious my mom had her funeral there. each of the mourners sucked on a strawberry-daiquiri-jelly candy the entire ceremony. every floor has its own indoor tennis court. we had pools there once but...what's the point? just make room for more tennis. 

Pat: and the casinos?

Serano: at the players' service. the lesser-ranked players who want to remain on the tour, remain solvent on the tour...

Serano wears all-white, always. all-white tennis shoes, all-white cotton striped socks with white stripes, all-white laces, all-white short-shorts from the '80s, all-white T-shirt. and he wears his thin lips handsome and his hair neat and straight like Pete Sampras used to wear hair when he was winning the '90s.

Serano: it pains me to ask you this, it makes me cringe, cos i hope that part of my life is over forever, but how was college?

Pat: complicated. i don't want to talk about it. i want to remember some things, forget others people. suffice i can say proudly i want a reset. start over, not pursue my major in the real world. i was pretty good in high school in tennis so...why the fuck not, let's give this a try...

Serano: bit disappointed. i was told you'd be accompanied by some arm candy. and a bracelet. a tennis bracelet.

Pat: who, Bobbi Ray Carter? she left college wearing a beret and joined the civil sevice. secret-agented at Orchid Girls Texas Chapter awhile before settling down with Lt. Cmdr. Data whom she met at a Del Taco...

Serano: well,  i hope YOU get settled. you didn't have any carry-on luggage, no suitcases, just your racquets which you stuffed in your shorts, very economical traveler. here's your room made of all-glass mirrors. let me know if you need anything. there are no practice courts, every court you play for your life, it's serious, death matches, livelihood. if you find some time tonight i hope you join us down at the casino. the casino is on that yacht down there see the one? yeah it's not technically a Monte Carlo casino. i'll be wherever on the diamond purple-rug floor a bevy of beauties are, i'll be in the middle spilling my beverage on the bevy.

Tyzik: have we all settled in, gang?

Eye Luggage: have we all settled in, gang? i brought no luggage...

Dirg: yeah.

Laertus: Kennedy LBJ was the first Civil Rights, LeBron James LBJ is the now social justice...

Galivant has mary jane shoes on, all-white. she wears white sneakers and white suspenders over her bosom.

Galivant: i'm the only-known pro tennis player in history to have achieved the rank of 51 with this beehive haircut of mine, see?

Serano: well you are a honey. *hits Pat on the triceps and delts and smirks with tongue* don't worry, pal, she's all yours, i had her already.

Pat blushes.

Pat: um, how does it feel to be a low-ranked player? i mean um i'm nervous sorry i mean it must be great to play on the tour...in whatever capacity...

Galivant: still i rise. better than covid capacity. hey i get to travel the world, that's the best part, that's the part that's really the why of me. i suppose i could rise in the rankings if i shut my blinds and applied myself. but it's hard in the MC. here i feel the main character of my own story. i can do what i want and the air here will still be breathable, the water will be deep-blue. what i most need work on is my serve, but look at my skinny arms, i'll never have the power the top girls have.

Pat: and so you teach. tell me, is it as satisfying when your student makes it to the top?

Galivant: well, let's see how you work out. in the meantime i'm gonna pick all the banana-drugs off these trees each breakfast and take them. on top of everything else, free drugs on this island!

Takahashi: in most communities of the world now, a town's McDonald's is their community centre, their library...

Dirg: i know i know, you taught me well. the McDonald's Arches lit up yellow at night is mystical, it's its own star...

Eye: shit! i forgot to bring food! oooh, look, a Crumbl Cookie truck. i'm going there...

Takahashi: McDonald's is their cultural centre. their center of culture. it's where they go to get coffee, it's their fine coffeehouse Parisian klatch...

President Bump viewing an airport sleeve-tv in the other room: what the fuck! watching The Weather Channel and they have a babe on there doing the weather PREGGERS!!! is that allowed!!! she's a Viking so i guess it's okay...

Dirg: you know i'm not against kids tv. it just can't be brainwashing kids tv. i mean why can't Xavier Riddle be more like Xavier Renegade Angel…?

Pat strolls the courtyard alley, down a winding path made of grey dark green cobblestone which leads to the exciting encampment of the city and bumps into Boc:

Boc: have you gone down The Garden Routes?

Pat: not yet. i will.

Boc: experienced Sunsets From Topanga?

Pat: sounds kismet. i need to find somone special to take up there. and i need to be carrying a silver tray of Taco Bell tacos first...

Boc: have you kissed a girl yet since you've been here?

Dirg: does a Sphinx Kiss photoshop on Insta count? except in my case i really kissed the sphinx, i put my lips against hers...

Dirg: that Enbrel ginger commercial. the one with the redhead chick woman with the glasses. one of the rare instances showing a person with glasses who's cool.

Pat: i remember my last days at Princeton: i was cramming for senior finals, feeling homesick, listening to Timex Social Club in my dorm room trying to conjure up the old Berkeley vibes again. looking at my clock-watch on the nightstand. i raised my pencil into my mouth. EUREKA! i had my thesis. i got unstuck. Franz Stuck's painting A Bad Conscience predicted Freddie Mercury!!!

Dirg: Long Island just should have been called Tail.

Boc: it's not fair! i can't catch a break! it's not hot anymore, bit it's still too smoky to go out during the day! this is so frustrating. i'm trying to take a pic with my iphone of the sky but these faded colors will never come out with my rinkydink Instagram phone. i'm watering all the tennis courts here, a BIG job since all the courts on this island are grass now of course when it was found that clay contains lead. first thing i gotta learn is those tanlines. see that court over there? i watered every cubed section as i got around but i forgot that some of the water hits the hose on the field and when i'm done there are clear areas with no water that look like snakes on the court, the tanlines. 

Dirg: get a bigger bra.

Djokovic is on an island. on the island he's on his own island:

Djokovic: the air here is hard to breathe. 

after Nadal wins his match, he steps up to the clay cubed section of the court to answer a fan question from the screen that now occupies where the audience used to stand in the stands at Roland Garros:

fan: be honest, you'll regret for the rest of your life that you didn't compete in the U.S. Open 2020.

Nadal: *hits his head with his racquet* you're right, i was dumb. stupid, stupid, stupid. i don't know what the fuck i was thinking...

Dirg: here you go, Pat...

Dirg carries a tray of Duck Donuts which Takahashi immediately sees, sneers at, and flips the tray all into the air, spilling the donuts into the lake.

Takahashi: get that shit outta here! go head, dive into the lake and pick up every bit of donut before the ducks get to them!!!

Codrus on an island and Bump: nobody likes soggy donuts.

Dirg: the real reason everyone flocks to McDonald's: free wifi.

Takahashi: did you hear Nice Guys High is being renamed Taco Bell High? the Malta McDonald's isn't a McDonald's, it's a bakery!!! the McCafe is an actual café! with cake!

Dirg: skinny Adele is Katy Perry.

Lou Graham, Monika Rostvold, Pippa Goetz, and Sister Moon eat ayam goreng and play Perudo together at the park waiting for their ship to come in...the Orchid Girls ship...

Lou Graham: soiled doves. haven't seen any of those birds on this island. i made Seattle what it is today, i personally serviced Frances Farmer...

Monika: my last name literally means the sense of violence... 

Dirg: i love all that naked art! all that sexual-assault art! i mean when it's done in protest...

Pippa: got my fascinator on...

Sister Moon: at least this ain't a pork party.

Rosalie Sully is saved by Scully...

Madame Pons: so i turned the Walgreens into my own tea shoppe! Madame Zuzu's Tea Shoppe!!! everybody's welcome but to work here you have to be a tatted-up lesbian with dyed cornrows who likes conveyor belts and peep-show booths. we got an empty warehouse now! lots of other cubed sections! so i'm filling up the shelves stacking them with Dewdrop cans!

Dirg: oh i love the naked art on those cans! I've been adapting to you chicks' vibes. there's no aluminum in here, right?

Pons: The Store, why offer a choice between paper or plastic? just do your research and determine which bag is greener and only offer that one.

Scott Van Pelt: sounds good to my dog.

the cat familiars get Salmon Chanted Evening cat treats at the Store chain in Monte Carlo...

Gladyce to Madame Pons: oh dear i feel so bad about this! i really feel awful, all this time! i've been throwing away my K-pods in the trash, i never once recycled my K-pods...

Dirg: Candace Against The Universe: first Phineas and Ferb media since Alyson Stoner broke all our hearts...

Serano: i love Carla Suarez Navarro! and i hope she makes a speedy recovery.

Pat: she's the rightful inheritor to Arantxa Sanchez Vicario!

Galivant: she's totally the female version of '70s John McEnroe, look at that curly moptop hair!

Takahashi: the John Deere Gator, it's like your own personal little car...

Dirg: how'd you get that thing on the island!

Mardith: do you want me to read your spirit lineage?

Dirg: read me, babe, i need help.

Mardith: i mean do you really want to be institutionalized in an insane asylum? or do you just want to watch tv all day?...

Pam Shriver steps up to the mic. the mic crackles. the mic howls:

Pam: my brave daughter is Sara Gilbert and i couldn't be prouder of her...

Doryce at the hotel:

Doryce: oooooooohhhhh. i get the first poo! i get to poo first after the toilets have been scrubbed, i get to poo in the bubbles!!!

Dirg: anybody else for the Orchid Girls barge? *waits for Karens* okay, i'm returning to my keeption...

Takahashi at Taco Bell: WHAT THE FUCK. Charlie Manson's daughter gets the wifi before the brown girls!!?

Doryce to Gladyce: mustard powder! gives that extra kick to food and bombs!

the crones make their way down to the lobby where they proceed to fart violently whilst doing their pushups…

Dirg: Dad And Buried! i'm scared!!!

Mardith: Daler Rowney, i use these brushes.

Laertus: well you've become the painter of the group!

Dirg: Roma Downey. now there's a woman.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh...

Dirg: the first person who dies in a horror movie will always be the man wearing the dress...

Tyzik: ...you know i can leave the island anytime i want...

Eye: My Hero Academia: Heroes Rising and go...

Dirg: off the bat: this was a TERRIBLE film...it just was...

Laertus: have to agree. i mean looking back i don't know why they felt the need to do this next film. the first film was GREAT, it was light, airy, and had a story. this was...what was this?

Eye: a lot of action. a lot of action. even the title was better last time. Two Heroes, that's more inventive than Heroes Rising. Heroes Rising?!! come on, that's the most generic name of all time! you couldn't come up with a better name? i could in my sleep, watch, right now, hand me my music box of snuff...call it: The Count of Monte Carlo!

Laertus: it's true the island this takes place on does remind me of Monte Carlo. especially the cobblestone. here, love, have an Oreo...

Dirg: the roads winding up hills with the silver guardrails that can't hold shit much less trucks! sparks flying on those rails, i've done it myself. are there other cities in Monaco besides Monte Carlo? cos i haven't seen any...

Laertus: Hawks, i like him. he has a snark to his personality. he's above it all, it's all carefree and light, like that hawk '80s cartoon...

Dirg: Nine would have been more entertaining if he had been voiced by Trent Reznor...

Eye: the innocent brother and the brat older sister. see, that's where they went wrong. shoulda had the girl who rises up to become self-actualized and whom the WW woman of Wonder she wants to be...

Laertus: Nine's got the wrong blood type! but his O will prevent him from getting covid!

Eye: wow, having a MAN as a healer? a man with healing power? that's a loop...

Dirg: and then this becomes a blatant Dragon Ball ripoff. i mean ALL anime is a Dragon Ball ripoff but this couldn't BE more Goku and Vegeta if i decided to eat vegetables again and i peed yellow cos that was the Saiyan power glow.

Laertus: they had a chance, have One For All really die as a power. have Bakugo or Midoriya actually die from the power, that would have been something at least.

Eye: now that Bakugo has achieved his lifelong dream and gained One For All, have him be the main character of the series going forward and piss off ALL the fans girls boys and Bakugo fans alike.

Laertus: and the dude with the Freddy Krueger glove over his face! why the fuck wasn't HE the villain of this!!!

Dirg: he licks his lips with his tongue, that shows villain intelligence. he's cool as a cucumber killing on a bed of pansies.

Eye: at least it's realized and realistic that the heroes have to foot the bill for all the damage they caused the island village. Batman can afford to fight crime cos he's rich...

Dirg: turns out the townsfolk don't want big systemic change, heroes to save the world, they like the world as it is, they just want these hero junor wannabes to fetch their cat familiars for them when the trees change from green to brown. and the tractors start pulling brown...

Dirg: no more poppy-seed muffins for you till you strip down to your bikinis and start playing volleyball again!...…..g'night, folks...…...hey where is everybody? hey wait for me! i want to indulge in the nightlife, too!!!...

Serano can be seen later that night at the casino next to Ryan Seacrest. Ryan is at the roulette wheel but he's placing cards inbetween the spokes of the wheel, not using the white ball. Serano uses Daler Rowney brushes to tickle Ryan's armpits under his coat and jacket and shirt and tie and loafer shoes with the bouncing ball where the penny-for-the-slots should be...  

 

TMIT: MIXED REVIEWS

1. would you help pay for your own engagement ring?

suck it. not the engagement, the ring. only if the ring was a Ring Pop. slid off the gloved pinkie finger of one Slash from Guns N Roses...

2. were you ever afraid to masturbate?

it's just, why does pleasure have to be so messy? i was always the one with the mop in my hand after something else was in my hand. but i learned a lot about myself. i learned i liked my teachers. a lot. but it was a little disconcerting after when i reopened my eyes after having them closed for so long and stared at that poster above her skateboard rack with Donald Duck tossing a bomb from his perch on a cloud with the caption below it:

THIS IS YOUR GOD NOW

3. these days what gives you most comfort? that that bag of cat food is still good. 

4. what is distinct about you? my lobes. my frontal lobe, split down the middle in two distinct halves.

BONUS: what in the past week has given you immense joy? that i got a chance to do TMIT again...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

KENTUCKY DERBY COVID-CHANGED 2020 GAME CRAZY, ANYONE CAN PLAY!!!

pictured: Rand Paul's swimming arrangements

not pictured: Jerry Falwell Jr.'s place out back by the shed

you know the drill, i'll meet back up with you tomorrow, check the comments...

CLICK HERE FOR THE HORSES

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: KFC!!! 

why?

FRIES!!!

LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS

notes:

* TIK TOK, TikTok! your time is running out!!!

* can you cook steak in the air fryer? asking for a friend

* OMG this steak is so good! so juicy, so tender, with the grillmarks, so savory with the lemon salt! i'm choking on it the portions are too big for my tiny throat and gallant gullet but i can't stop! this is what Romanov kings used to lure businessmen to sign bad deals, it wasn't the opium dens nor the brothels, it was the restaurants!!!

* btw, TikTok is known as Douyin in China, which means acne marks...jus sayin...

* if this doesn't convince Trump, i don't know what will. does the man have a heart?

* i'm sure these are all lava-hot massive youtube celebrities that everyone knows but i have no idea...

* Joni Mitchell came out of retirement for this one, come on, guys...

* that boy's gonna lift a garage!

* football player NBA rookie newly-signed who will get cut Week One cos he plays for the Bucs and he asked Tom Brady for an autograph under the huddle during practice...

* Rubenesque women!

Rubens: and all i wanted was a Nescafe.  

Michael Stipe: not funny.

Rubens: you know when i was coming up all the photogs told me to lose weight. and to only paint women eating carrots...

* it's not the funny way i do my hair, my hair's frizzy and unmanageable...

* that woman is destined to play Pink Diamond in the live-action film!

* not Eskimo pies

* SEE!!!? even Steve Aoki recognizes that he needs to start eating apples!!! too many cakes consumed!!!

* i do love Steve Aoki's shirt tho, the silhouette wearing a mask, nice touch

* put your comb up there...if you know what i mean...we're more than friends...we're good friends...

* cool wheelchair with not wheels but cowboy hats, it's a Texas thing

* Veruca Salt getting ready for prom...

* RuPaul needs to become an SNL cast member...

* DANCING is the covid vaccine!!!

Nurse Ratched: SHHHH! shut up! lights out!!!

* Dave Mirra is looking down on that halfpipe and smiling

* that is such a Rebecca Sugar lyric, "the castle wall of you"

* ready for some Pearl slash cosplay with top hat tails and cane

* Angry Grandpa has mellowed...

* see? the ancients knew about masks. they always had theirs on. that's how they communicated with the wind in the mountains, how they were able to hear the vibrations in their drums

* she graduated from the Dance Academy in New York. she worked at the bodega during the day and schooled at night. she got her Twerking Degree from DeVry. who of the three will make it? Flashdance 2: Silver Lake, Summer 2021...

* Nike shoebox...

* that's actually one person with three heads dancing...

* Ghost 1990 reboot...

* old lady at the end twerking: SEE!!!? dammit this is my REVENGE!!! i wanted to be a showgirl my whole life but i got blocked! SCREW YOU, HOWARD HUGHES!!!

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Burger King. gonna take the plunge. gonna see, gonna find out once and for all whether Burger King's spicy nuggets measure up to Wendy's Spicy Nugs...

SAX, PLAY US OUT: PASSAGES FROM DEAD LETTERS

Mardith: there's to be a wedding!!!!!

Madame Pons: please say it's not yours, girl!

Mardith looks around the pile mush of wet brown leaves in and around the sidewalk snaking around all the apartment building complex. she stops herself to survey the scope, scrape her knees, and sniff around, to investigate. she looks east toward the bustling street and west toward the construction block. then she finally looks up...

Mardith: oh it's so nice to have an overcast backdrop, i can see again! yet I should be the mad one here! as in i'm young! who's the parent in this relationship! DO NOT TELL ME YOU'RE MARRYING DIRG, SISTA!!!

Madame Pons: same. to you. you're not marrying Dirg, right?

the two share a hug and breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Pat: wait is it my wedding? has my spy come back from overseas? she's taking "indoor classes" over there...

Charlotte Coleman: you mean across the pond, right? that's what my Texan always says...

Lance Armstrong: take this from me, i'm a world traveler, everywhere around the world, America means Texas...

Takahashi: no, Pat. but cheer up, buddy, i brought the Lays! yeah, all yours! take the whole variety pack! see? you can have either the yellow or the orange Lays...here, spice it up with some of my leftover packets of Taco Bell Breakfast Salsa laying around in my glove compartment lying to you in their message balloons...warning, do not put this sauce on a biscuit already flavored chicken...

Dirg: that Lays commercial...Lays are for furries...that was the actual tagline of that commercial, i swear! the guy in the bear suit riding a bike...remember in the '80s when a guy in a bear suit was a harmless thing at birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese circuses?

*there's a knock at the locked door*

Dirg: what is it this time? let me guess, Teal Swan for Orchid Girls?...

Gladyce and Doryce are at Denny's...preparing...

Gladyce: I CAN'T EAT THAT, DEAR!!! the portions are too big, bih!!! i gotta save my stomach. i love my lining too much.

Doryce: i, do, too. yours.

Mardith scans the AT&T stream...

Mardith: that kind of depressing youtube comment can't come from a girl!

Mardith: Pons, my precious parent, i love you too much to fail. i'm young but i'm spry. heed my advice: all this struggle you've been through in your life, it's a sign, a good sign, that the universe deems you ready to make a breakthrough. the breakthrough always comes at the point of greatest hardship.

Dirg: did you ever get that narrator for your pieces? i've got the perfect voice for you guys: Antony Hegarty...

President Bump looks out to sea. this time, to see two hurricanes barreling toward him on a rageful path.

Bump: do these glasses work? they're too bright! i'm seeing double. two circles...

Pence: i'm getting ready for my Hollywood audition tonight, sir, did you borrow my box of Reverse Just For Men again?...

Bump: i mean this is gonna be dumb. these last two months, when i lose and Biden becomes Prez, politics will die in this country, nobody will discuss politics anymore, won't be the focus of public life, nobody will care anymore. back to 24/7 non-political Hollywood entertainment-for-the-masses. and don't get me started on QAnon, they're gonna become the Party from the ashes from the embers, after the Republican Party dies.

Pence: the Republican party is already dead, sir.  don't ask me, don't at me. i'm going back to my farm. Pompeo is not handsome enough to become President, he looks like a bloated Superman. 

Bump: i mean what is it gonna be? ZOOM DEBATES!!!? Biden and me in separate rooms!!!?

Neil Gaiman: that sandman kid. he say he was falsely accused but then he runs to the RNC. if he had run to the DNC he'd have a point...

DMC warm their hands by the fire outside in the snow...

Scott Baio: i love how First Lady Melania wore that same olive-green coat that caused so much controversy before to her speech last night. Controversy Coat. Coat of Controversy. Coat of Many Controversies. looks like a warm blanket i can wrap around in so i feel safe in this country, i have a thing for blankets...

Cecily Strong: see it sucks that i literally HAVE to watch the Republican Convention for work...all 1776 hours of it for my job...sad, really sad this time...i would do ANYTHING to get out of it but i can't...somebody, online, if you have any Schitt's Creek video-bites, drop those video-nuggets in my DMs to DISTRACT ME PLEASE!!!

Rubikon: i can't join you out on your fast-food jaunts anymore, Takahashi...

Dirg: aw don't be sore, just wear your safari hat when you're out with us...

Cotard: the Communion Host isn't doing it for me anymore, i'm still sluggish, i need to clear the shelves of the Walgreens-On-A-Hill of all their Metamucil...

Dirg: everyone on Instagram has an imminent book launch in a week for their stupid e-book, it's annoying...

Dirg: it's even more annoying! those aren't e-books, those are real books! they wasted trees on those things!

Tyzik: see? Hurricane Laura Palmer. this was all predicted in the episodes and the made-for-cable movie.

Takahashi: Zoltar commercial, you can break the glass but you can't shake hands with Zoltar anymore. 

Dr. Vacc: notice how no one talks about dex anymore? i'm selling it out of the trunk of my car. WHAT'S THAT SOUND!!!? i get 'Nam flashbacks every time i hear a Code Blue light...

Takahashi: not the rumble roar of thunder, rolling skateboard wheels. on the sidewalk. 

Takahashi makes the hang-loose sign with his thumb and pinkie.

Federer in an apartment-room bed with his left leg in a cast pointing up on a stretcher pulley: what fuckery is this. Maria Sakkari and Stefanos Tsitsipas BOTH won the U.S. Open this year!! in this covid-crazy tournament where no one attended. fans nor players. the Couple Slam!! the two have since reestablished and reconstituted Mount Olympus in the sky... 

the cat familiars eat their mush of strained peas pate and fancy feast lickable delight chicken-shrimp flavor with a pasta straw, a stroodle...

Laertus, working hard flinging around his scissors: hey where's your Mood Board, Dirg!? don't slack off! this is the Hollywood writing process! this is how everyone in the industry gets ideas!!!

Dirg eats a bottle of glitter paste.

Mardith: i'd love to travel someday, really travel. i mean the ultimate rainfall-showerhead is the Rain Vortex in Singapore...

Pons: it pours as you sing in the shower. free soaps for you from me, girlie...…...when you're ready...…...to travel...

in the last room explored in the entire apartment complex building, in the one in the very center that everyone thought was a locked janitor broom closet, the secret shadow real leader of the Orchid Girls Obec Chapter emerges for some gum. it's Claudia Conway...

Michael Weiss in the elevator right by Claudia's room as "Televators" by The Mars Volta plays inside the elevator: Instagram is Fantasy Island...

Jim Cantore: guys. guys. Moby is my son...

Pons: Telfar Clemens, i didn't have to go far to rinse the thought of Roger Clemens from my mouth! the site says to try new things: i'm all for mouthwash but no more baseball. i'm gonna sell mouthwash at my LUSH chapter. that delicious huge black man naked display, his photo overhanging the art studio i went to last night for zoom-date and location research...

Pons lets out a deep sigh. Mardith the empath-in-training lets out a sympathic sigh. they both form one cheek of blush...

Pat goes to the corner and cries. his tears are getting in his paper oyster-pail of zongzi...

Nadal: that's Chinese tamale...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: so audiences didn't go for an adult Donald Duck.

Bump: …

Tyzik: but would they have gone for an adult Mickey Mouse?

Bakshi chomping a cigar: don't bet on it. hey i tried with Mighty Mouse... 

Eye Luggage: Four Weddings and a Funeral and go.

Laertus: off the bat, we must talk about the tragic life of Charlotte Coleman. poor girl. she coulda been what Emma Watson is now...

Eye: she was essentially Emma Watson of the '90s!

Dirg: i keep a wallet-size of that haunting wedding portrait of Charlotte and her beloved---Charlotte's REAL wedding, not her character's pretend film wedding---in my pocket at all times. and i pull it out and look at it whenever i'm in a church, you know to remind me...

Eye: that picture is so ethereal, ghostly...

Dirg: true love. two crazy kids. woman meets man. marrying an artist. see? i told you bikes are bad news! i NEVER watch the Tour de France on principle!!! i wonder if they recited W.H. Auden's "Funeral Blues" at Charlotte's real funeral...

Dirg: ...recited masterfully and hauntingly by the same actor who did it in the film, Sheldon from Big Bang Theory... 

Laertus: without this film, you wouldn't know who Hugh Grant was. the entire world would have no idea who Hugh Grant was. at least not the Hugh Grant we know now...

Eye: Globe + Mail in Britain. i don't get the whole Hugh Grant thing. i mean i get all the rain under the brolly and the sour London mood and the British accent and everything but not the Hugh Grant thing. 

Kurt Cobain: London rain and Seattle rain are different animals...and yet one sign of the beast...

Dirg: what do you mean! Hugh Grant was the ultimate '90s guy! Hugh the metrosexual, the cute little monkey who's sensitive to women's needs but with that underbrow of simmering snarky sarcasm where he could joke about his own suicide...

Eye: this was the ONE moment in time for Emma Thompson's sister to surpass Emma. she had her chance here...

Laertus: Rowan Atkinson is in EVERY ONE of THESE kinds of films, EVERY ONE. he MUST be in THIS KIND of film. 

Cotard: i must confess, for a while there i thought Kristin Scott Thomas's secret lover was her fucking the novice priest Mr. Bean...

Cotard: ...i mean it's the same thing that happened to my brain when i saw Ardal O'Hanlon play a serious detective on PBS last night, i just couldn't wrap my head around that concept like i can the concept of God...

Eye: remember Kristin Scott Thomas? like there was that three-year period in the '90s when it was All Kristin All The Time. 

Dirg: her entire career swiveled on that English Patient episode of Seinfeld... 

Laertus: she got dem red juicy lips. 

Eye: in an international online poll of British viewers and watchers, they said Andie MacDowell's character in this was the most annoying female character in British film history. yeah i don't get that, i thought she was fine in this, i didn't get wafts of annoying coming off her like stinklines.

 

Dirg: are you sure that poll didn't also include British voyeurs?

Laertus: the British are just jealous of Andie's bright white strong sturdy teeth! that smile could cure cancer! 

Dirg: i mean she was kinda annoying when she was listing off ALL of her lovers on her little fingers when they were in the cafe, if a guy did that he'd be a slut...

Laertus: the Anna Chancellor character...

Dirg: ...the needy one, the one who cries at the drop of a hat, a fascinator no less, can't be happy without a man but won't be happy with a man...

Laertus: i swear that was the original template for Janice on Friends... 

Eye: who herself is just mini-Fran Drescher.

Jennifer Aniston: Hugh Grant stole my hair idea! 

Laertus: okay, best performance from this little surprise-hit: it's that guy from the hotel who slums on the couch drunk when Hugh and Andie first spend the night together after the first wedding. that was a great performance! i ended up feeling sorry for this man! he was so earnest.

Eye: i made a bet with myself having never seen this: i was guessing who the Funeral in the title would be. i thought they'd really go for it and make the death Hugh or Andie...

Laertus: yes. but i do love how this thing weaves all five events together in a connected collection of humanity. it all ties together quite nicely. kinda cool the boy who delivers the eulogy was that hearty old Englishman joie-de-vivre mensch with the greying beard in the Scottish kilt's lover. toyboy i guess.

Dirg: i hope Simon Cowell is gonna be okay...

Rubikon gives Dirg a dirty look from the dirty side of the hurricane.

Laertus: having that deaf character, that was a surprise, nice touch. love is better silent anyway, that coupling's gonna last.

Dirg: after Hugh witnessing sex that ribald and rambunctious, that dummy waiter's gotta go. that butter scraped on it oh it is too sour.

Eye: uh, dumbwaiter.

Dirg: talk about the indian in the cupboard. serial monogamy? guys, don't fall for it!!! it's a '90s ploy!!! that shit doesn't exist anymore!!!

Laertus: stick with the pick-up artist? remember, buddy, there is such a thing as "one true love". in your case, it's you, Dirg. at the beginning of this film, they had to censor all the FUCKS said or the Christian conservatives wouldn't let it get big in America. ah, remember when the Republican party was like this? harmless, just concerned with bad words.

SLC Punk: still not cool for me, dude.

Laertus: they said FUCK so many times i was sure Hugh would end up saying FUCK to the priest outside the church and the unsuspecting bride and groom by the van before he could stop his handsome lips from lip.

Eye: they replaced fuck with bugger. now that's hilarious. American audiences would be waiting for Jeff Goldblum to show up...

Laertus: for the entire movie i had no idea what the relationship between Hugh and Charlotte Coleman was. 

Dirg: don't get kinky on me, man.

Laertus: turns out she's his sister, but that's never explicitly mentioned in the film script. a point was made not to show their jobs. but hey, being a professional wedding guest is a brilliant job!

Cotard: like those priests on Father Ted where being a priest was like being a construction worker or barbers on the Barbary Coast...

Dirg: okay and i'm serious now, i want Henrietta to fight Rocky for real, that franchise is getting stale...

Chuck E Cheese: that bird is mine...

Dirg: wait, lifelong commitment without marriage? I'M IN!!!...…...wait...

Dirg: the Grenadier Guards all overdosed on grenadine syrup. and the Brits just slip in the incest there anime-style...

Boris: don't look at my face...

Eye: did any of you get that subtlety at the end there on first watch? i got it but i'm sure you lot o' blokes who are not into the romantic mushymushy missed it.

Laertus: i know what you're talking about: Fiona always wanted to marry Charles, well she does marry a Charles in the end, Prince Charles...

Dirg: yeah so Kristin Scott Thomas, it's like she's in another movie, she's playing Miss Scarlet from Clue...g'ni...

Eye: so overall this was good. takes a while to rev up but it comes together in the end. when you look up ROMCOM in the dictionary, you get a poster of this film. jolly good show, mates, cheers. 

Dirg: tally-ho, ho. this film made me wet wet wet.

Eye: strangely, Andie MacDowell didn't get the bump, the meteor, she didn't become the lava-hot global superstar that Hugh Grant did from this. Elizabeth Hurley ended up with all of Andie's shine!!! 

at the ceremony on top of the building, on a green verdant lush lawn, the guests which are everyone gather around the expectant couple.

Doryce: expecting a wild kiss that is. 

Pat hands out favors from a large silver tray he's holding on his head, food favors, he passes out English muffins to all the guests, nooks and crannies stuffed inside nooks and crannies...

Kristin Scott: i made those...

Orchid Girls: we're renaming nooks and crannies jelly and butta...

Doryce: i love the English muffin seedy bottom...

Gladyce: the smooth rough bottom...

Doryce: wait, are we getting married? for the first time? or are we renewing our vows?

Gladyce: oh dear it doesn't matter, we're the best couple this block will ever have forever!!! we're sensations!!

the two crones French kiss for two days and form one tongue...

Doryce: who smells like chlorine? step up, young man, and give us your wedding gift.

Boc hands them a long beige box.

Boc: uh, young woman. it's the box i keep my oxblood monk shoes in, i use these dress shoes when i water the lawn to collect all the mud. that's how special i think the event is. i hope you enjoy all i did to make it green for the big day, i rushed it, watered evey damn day for a week!!!

Doryce: kinda a raggedy hope chest but i'll take it.

Gladyce: oh dear, please keep this. Boc, it's your momento. your treasure. i see two items underneath the soles of the shoes...

Boc: yes, a rubberband and a feather. the rubberband i found on the roof ground and used as the nozzle till i got a proper nozzle. the other is a feather which fell from the sky into my lip the first time i watered this lawn. made me think my mother who was once my father was watching over me...

Boc returns to his room to find a blank Hallmark card under the door. he picks it up and reads it:

it's from Germane:

thank you for all you do, Boc. as gratitude and thanks i have personally used your hose to wash a brand new car which is yours now. just empty the trunk of any contraband pills, needles, and/or spit-takes...

Boc to himself: but how did you get the car on the roof?

Boc flips to the second page of the card:

i knew you'd want to know how i got the car on the roof. the answer is nevermind that. i found it quite meditative to wash your car...

the tenants race around the building, run in the hallways and fly off stairs and elevators to locate and uncover any more Hallmark cards. they find Germane's landlord room off the elevator shaft that no one had ever seen, never seen him in a room, he was always skulking around trying to help. with their collective might they push the door hard in, it's locked from the inside. inside the room there is nowhere to breathe, the space is completely stuffed with thank-you letters the tenants wrote to Germane. some fly away through the highrise window turning themselves into paper airplanes...

some are caught before...

Vacc: i got one!

Vacc reads:

when i was a kid, all i wanted for Christmas was a Nintendo greybox...

Takahashi nods, blushes, and smiles.

when you're an old man like i am, all i want now is an air fryer.

Jim Cantore jumping up: i got one!:

when i was a kid, i thought when the hurricane-hunter planes would enter a hurricane their planes were so powerful they would destroy the hurricane. 

Lily from AT&T: how did i survive so long? for this long? how did i survive all those live convention appearances?

Dirg: you got lucky, we nerds love cute furry things, we get distracted, and you represented the squirrel...

Lily reads from her letter from Germane:

this is what i mean. online: terrible human invention, claptrap contraption. a machinery of convenience, we humans sold our souls cos we had the crazy idea that communicating online was better than writing letters to each other. it's easy to hate, to hurt that which we do not feel. online, it should have never happened. should have been blowed up from its inception...

Germane has not been seen nor heard from in weeks. and never shall again. all Germane ever wanted as payment was for his tenants to write thank-you notes. everyone would get in the habit of writing thank-you notes to each other, when we used to write letters, all that muscle memory lost, that finger memory.

all the tenants know, though they can't see Germane smiling, they know he is smiling, they remember his smile.