Pat crashes into the island of Monte Carlo with his little tugboat. the medium rock takes out much of the wooden planks and and the floorboards become the tug's green roof. the stacks of smoke blend into the soaked atmosphere. the sinews in Serano's pipecleaner arms strain to their limit as he stretches stretches stretches the rope back to shore and puts the rope around a Coke plastic six-pack ring.
Serano: your starboat's sinking fast, pal. better think about what you'd like to save off it!
Pat: um, i dunno. my valuables? my baby photos? no. my wedding photos? no. my wedding dress? no. i guess these wood racquets here...
Serano: this is alright, the best way to experience a new place for the first time is to crash-land in it. summer internship after graduating college?
Pat: summer? i'd like this to be the place i live in forever. life internship...
Serano: nobody lives in Monte Carlo. we exist in Monte Carlo. Monte Carlo isn't a place, Monte Carlo is an idea...
Pat: what do you guys do for fun here?
Serano pushes Pat's hair up against the stucco wall violently.
Serano: hey! pal! listen to my eyes! you want drugs? you come to ME for drugs! no one else! i got anything you want. i can get anything you want on the island. i got the hookup. speed? speed gummies? DD?
Pat: DD?
Serano: designated driver. i'm your designated driver, remember that.
Pat: is that the hotel up there? on that hill?
Serano: it's not a hill so much as the hotel is built into the rock. that was a big rock. Sean Connery himself carved it with his cock. Sean comes from the sea. the only 5-star hotel in the Mediterranean Basin. that place is so luxurious my mom had her funeral there. each of the mourners sucked on a strawberry-daiquiri-jelly candy the entire ceremony. every floor has its own indoor tennis court. we had pools there once but...what's the point? just make room for more tennis.
Pat: and the casinos?
Serano: at the players' service. the lesser-ranked players who want to remain on the tour, remain solvent on the tour...
Serano wears all-white, always. all-white tennis shoes, all-white cotton striped socks with white stripes, all-white laces, all-white short-shorts from the '80s, all-white T-shirt. and he wears his thin lips handsome and his hair neat and straight like Pete Sampras used to wear hair when he was winning the '90s.
Serano: it pains me to ask you this, it makes me cringe, cos i hope that part of my life is over forever, but how was college?
Pat: complicated. i don't want to talk about it. i want to remember some things, forget others people. suffice i can say proudly i want a reset. start over, not pursue my major in the real world. i was pretty good in high school in tennis so...why the fuck not, let's give this a try...
Serano: bit disappointed. i was told you'd be accompanied by some arm candy. and a bracelet. a tennis bracelet.
Pat: who, Bobbi Ray Carter? she left college wearing a beret and joined the civil sevice. secret-agented at Orchid Girls Texas Chapter awhile before settling down with Lt. Cmdr. Data whom she met at a Del Taco...
Serano: well, i hope YOU get settled. you didn't have any carry-on luggage, no suitcases, just your racquets which you stuffed in your shorts, very economical traveler. here's your room made of all-glass mirrors. let me know if you need anything. there are no practice courts, every court you play for your life, it's serious, death matches, livelihood. if you find some time tonight i hope you join us down at the casino. the casino is on that yacht down there see the one? yeah it's not technically a Monte Carlo casino. i'll be wherever on the diamond purple-rug floor a bevy of beauties are, i'll be in the middle spilling my beverage on the bevy.
Tyzik: have we all settled in, gang?
Eye Luggage: have we all settled in, gang? i brought no luggage...
Dirg: yeah.
Laertus: Kennedy LBJ was the first Civil Rights, LeBron James LBJ is the now social justice...
Galivant has mary jane shoes on, all-white. she wears white sneakers and white suspenders over her bosom.
Galivant: i'm the only-known pro tennis player in history to have achieved the rank of 51 with this beehive haircut of mine, see?
Serano: well you are a honey. *hits Pat on the triceps and delts and smirks with tongue* don't worry, pal, she's all yours, i had her already.
Pat blushes.
Pat: um, how does it feel to be a low-ranked player? i mean um i'm nervous sorry i mean it must be great to play on the tour...in whatever capacity...
Galivant: still i rise. better than covid capacity. hey i get to travel the world, that's the best part, that's the part that's really the why of me. i suppose i could rise in the rankings if i shut my blinds and applied myself. but it's hard in the MC. here i feel the main character of my own story. i can do what i want and the air here will still be breathable, the water will be deep-blue. what i most need work on is my serve, but look at my skinny arms, i'll never have the power the top girls have.
Pat: and so you teach. tell me, is it as satisfying when your student makes it to the top?
Galivant: well, let's see how you work out. in the meantime i'm gonna pick all the banana-drugs off these trees each breakfast and take them. on top of everything else, free drugs on this island!
Takahashi: in most communities of the world now, a town's McDonald's is their community centre, their library...
Dirg: i know i know, you taught me well. the McDonald's Arches lit up yellow at night is mystical, it's its own star...
Eye: shit! i forgot to bring food! oooh, look, a Crumbl Cookie truck. i'm going there...
Takahashi: McDonald's is their cultural centre. their center of culture. it's where they go to get coffee, it's their fine coffeehouse Parisian klatch...
President Bump viewing an airport sleeve-tv in the other room: what the fuck! watching The Weather Channel and they have a babe on there doing the weather PREGGERS!!! is that allowed!!! she's a Viking so i guess it's okay...
Dirg: you know i'm not against kids tv. it just can't be brainwashing kids tv. i mean why can't Xavier Riddle be more like Xavier Renegade Angel…?
Pat strolls the courtyard alley, down a winding path made of grey dark green cobblestone which leads to the exciting encampment of the city and bumps into Boc:
Boc: have you gone down The Garden Routes?
Pat: not yet. i will.
Boc: experienced Sunsets From Topanga?
Pat: sounds kismet. i need to find somone special to take up there. and i need to be carrying a silver tray of Taco Bell tacos first...
Boc: have you kissed a girl yet since you've been here?
Dirg: does a Sphinx Kiss photoshop on Insta count? except in my case i really kissed the sphinx, i put my lips against hers...
Dirg: that Enbrel ginger commercial. the one with the redhead chick woman with the glasses. one of the rare instances showing a person with glasses who's cool.
Pat: i remember my last days at Princeton: i was cramming for senior finals, feeling homesick, listening to Timex Social Club in my dorm room trying to conjure up the old Berkeley vibes again. looking at my clock-watch on the nightstand. i raised my pencil into my mouth. EUREKA! i had my thesis. i got unstuck. Franz Stuck's painting A Bad Conscience predicted Freddie Mercury!!!
Dirg: Long Island just should have been called Tail.
Boc: it's not fair! i can't catch a break! it's not hot anymore, bit it's still too smoky to go out during the day! this is so frustrating. i'm trying to take a pic with my iphone of the sky but these faded colors will never come out with my rinkydink Instagram phone. i'm watering all the tennis courts here, a BIG job since all the courts on this island are grass now of course when it was found that clay contains lead. first thing i gotta learn is those tanlines. see that court over there? i watered every cubed section as i got around but i forgot that some of the water hits the hose on the field and when i'm done there are clear areas with no water that look like snakes on the court, the tanlines.
Dirg: get a bigger bra.
Djokovic is on an island. on the island he's on his own island:
Djokovic: the air here is hard to breathe.
after Nadal wins his match, he steps up to the clay cubed section of the court to answer a fan question from the screen that now occupies where the audience used to stand in the stands at Roland Garros:
fan: be honest, you'll regret for the rest of your life that you didn't compete in the U.S. Open 2020.
Nadal: *hits his head with his racquet* you're right, i was dumb. stupid, stupid, stupid. i don't know what the fuck i was thinking...
Dirg: here you go, Pat...
Dirg carries a tray of Duck Donuts which Takahashi immediately sees, sneers at, and flips the tray all into the air, spilling the donuts into the lake.
Takahashi: get that shit outta here! go head, dive into the lake and pick up every bit of donut before the ducks get to them!!!
Codrus on an island and Bump: nobody likes soggy donuts.
Dirg: the real reason everyone flocks to McDonald's: free wifi.
Takahashi: did you hear Nice Guys High is being renamed Taco Bell High? the Malta McDonald's isn't a McDonald's, it's a bakery!!! the McCafe is an actual café! with cake!
Dirg: skinny Adele is Katy Perry.
Lou Graham, Monika Rostvold, Pippa Goetz, and Sister Moon eat ayam goreng and play Perudo together at the park waiting for their ship to come in...the Orchid Girls ship...
Lou Graham: soiled doves. haven't seen any of those birds on this island. i made Seattle what it is today, i personally serviced Frances Farmer...
Monika: my last name literally means the sense of violence...
Dirg: i love all that naked art! all that sexual-assault art! i mean when it's done in protest...
Pippa: got my fascinator on...
Sister Moon: at least this ain't a pork party.
Rosalie Sully is saved by Scully...
Madame Pons: so i turned the Walgreens into my own tea shoppe! Madame Zuzu's Tea Shoppe!!! everybody's welcome but to work here you have to be a tatted-up lesbian with dyed cornrows who likes conveyor belts and peep-show booths. we got an empty warehouse now! lots of other cubed sections! so i'm filling up the shelves stacking them with Dewdrop cans!
Dirg: oh i love the naked art on those cans! I've been adapting to you chicks' vibes. there's no aluminum in here, right?
Pons: The Store, why offer a choice between paper or plastic? just do your research and determine which bag is greener and only offer that one.
Scott Van Pelt: sounds good to my dog.
the cat familiars get Salmon Chanted Evening cat treats at the Store chain in Monte Carlo...
Gladyce to Madame Pons: oh dear i feel so bad about this! i really feel awful, all this time! i've been throwing away my K-pods in the trash, i never once recycled my K-pods...
Dirg: Candace Against The Universe: first Phineas and Ferb media since Alyson Stoner broke all our hearts...
Serano: i love Carla Suarez Navarro! and i hope she makes a speedy recovery.
Pat: she's the rightful inheritor to Arantxa Sanchez Vicario!
Galivant: she's totally the female version of '70s John McEnroe, look at that curly moptop hair!
Takahashi: the John Deere Gator, it's like your own personal little car...
Dirg: how'd you get that thing on the island!
Mardith: do you want me to read your spirit lineage?
Dirg: read me, babe, i need help.
Mardith: i mean do you really want to be institutionalized in an insane asylum? or do you just want to watch tv all day?...
Pam Shriver steps up to the mic. the mic crackles. the mic howls:
Pam: my brave daughter is Sara Gilbert and i couldn't be prouder of her...
Doryce at the hotel:
Doryce: oooooooohhhhh. i get the first poo! i get to poo first after the toilets have been scrubbed, i get to poo in the bubbles!!!
Dirg: anybody else for the Orchid Girls barge? *waits for Karens* okay, i'm returning to my keeption...
Takahashi at Taco Bell: WHAT THE FUCK. Charlie Manson's daughter gets the wifi before the brown girls!!?
Doryce to Gladyce: mustard powder! gives that extra kick to food and bombs!
the crones make their way down to the lobby where they proceed to fart violently whilst doing their pushups…
Dirg: Dad And Buried! i'm scared!!!
Mardith: Daler Rowney, i use these brushes.
Laertus: well you've become the painter of the group!
Dirg: Roma Downey. now there's a woman.
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: oh...
Dirg: the first person who dies in a horror movie will always be the man wearing the dress...
Tyzik: ...you know i can leave the island anytime i want...
Eye: My Hero Academia: Heroes Rising and go...
Dirg: off the bat: this was a TERRIBLE film...it just was...
Laertus: have to agree. i mean looking back i don't know why they felt the need to do this next film. the first film was GREAT, it was light, airy, and had a story. this was...what was this?
Eye: a lot of action. a lot of action. even the title was better last time. Two Heroes, that's more inventive than Heroes Rising. Heroes Rising?!! come on, that's the most generic name of all time! you couldn't come up with a better name? i could in my sleep, watch, right now, hand me my music box of snuff...call it: The Count of Monte Carlo!
Laertus: it's true the island this takes place on does remind me of Monte Carlo. especially the cobblestone. here, love, have an Oreo...
Dirg: the roads winding up hills with the silver guardrails that can't hold shit much less trucks! sparks flying on those rails, i've done it myself. are there other cities in Monaco besides Monte Carlo? cos i haven't seen any...
Laertus: Hawks, i like him. he has a snark to his personality. he's above it all, it's all carefree and light, like that hawk '80s cartoon...
Dirg: Nine would have been more entertaining if he had been voiced by Trent Reznor...
Eye: the innocent brother and the brat older sister. see, that's where they went wrong. shoulda had the girl who rises up to become self-actualized and whom the WW woman of Wonder she wants to be...
Laertus: Nine's got the wrong blood type! but his O will prevent him from getting covid!
Eye: wow, having a MAN as a healer? a man with healing power? that's a loop...
Dirg: and then this becomes a blatant Dragon Ball ripoff. i mean ALL anime is a Dragon Ball ripoff but this couldn't BE more Goku and Vegeta if i decided to eat vegetables again and i peed yellow cos that was the Saiyan power glow.
Laertus: they had a chance, have One For All really die as a power. have Bakugo or Midoriya actually die from the power, that would have been something at least.
Eye: now that Bakugo has achieved his lifelong dream and gained One For All, have him be the main character of the series going forward and piss off ALL the fans girls boys and Bakugo fans alike.
Laertus: and the dude with the Freddy Krueger glove over his face! why the fuck wasn't HE the villain of this!!!
Dirg: he licks his lips with his tongue, that shows villain intelligence. he's cool as a cucumber killing on a bed of pansies.
Eye: at least it's realized and realistic that the heroes have to foot the bill for all the damage they caused the island village. Batman can afford to fight crime cos he's rich...
Dirg: turns out the townsfolk don't want big systemic change, heroes to save the world, they like the world as it is, they just want these hero junor wannabes to fetch their cat familiars for them when the trees change from green to brown. and the tractors start pulling brown...
Dirg: no more poppy-seed muffins for you till you strip down to your bikinis and start playing volleyball again!...…..g'night, folks...…...hey where is everybody? hey wait for me! i want to indulge in the nightlife, too!!!...
Serano can be seen later that night at the casino next to Ryan Seacrest. Ryan is at the roulette wheel but he's placing cards inbetween the spokes of the wheel, not using the white ball. Serano uses Daler Rowney brushes to tickle Ryan's armpits under his coat and jacket and shirt and tie and loafer shoes with the bouncing ball where the penny-for-the-slots should be...
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