CHOIR CYRIL: LANEY IS NOT A CHEWTOY, LANEY IS A PERSON (LUPIN III'S REAL MOTHER)

 

Laney: throughout history.........well throughout St. Cyril's history there has always been deference given to the Virgin Mary. the first St. Cyril's statue EVER was calved like an ice glacier from a block of milky creamy alabaster. this is very much a Marian church. 

Gerry: yes, i see the Mary Garden on my walk along the sidewalk every time i come here. i'm always here first cos i'm the choir director. i'm here, like, an HOUR before everyone else rustling through my papers.

Harrison: that is such a sight!!! sexy, too. i'm not that kind of fellow but i am noticing that the Mary statue is unusually VOLUPTUOUS inside that robe, she's got big tits and wide hips. and she's not wearing any sandals, she's barefoot for the foot fetishists, was that your work?

Ryan Stiles: yes, i have a chisel in my zipper pocket AND i'm happy to see you. late at night i come to the Mary statue and chisel away, carving it into the modern woman Mary deserves to be. you have to understand, this choir IS my life i have no other life. this is it. you 3 are my whole world. i do nothing else. when i'm not choiring, i'm thinking about tinking. the thinker tinker. i'm thinking about the next songs we're gonna sing at practice the next day. my whole week is geared toward Sunday, the rest of the week i'm scared of myself having too much idle time.

Laney: our GLORIOUS GORGEOUS GREEN Mary Garden!!! it's a tourist trap of beauty the world over like the Taj Mahal. Queen Diana once paid a visit here. 

Queen Diana: this is WAY more lush than Green Park in London!!! i have the soaps in my pocket to prove it!!!

Laney: people from all over the globe come here to flock and pick fights. it's a sacred spot. i maintain it, i trim the hedges and swing the vines and tend to the roses when the gardeners aren't looking.

gardeners: honestly, go nuts.

Laney: i scrape any bubblegum from off the Mary and make sure i shine her smile. i feed the bees Honeycomb cereal and let Tony the Tiger loose from his cage at 3PM for AYSO soccer practice. the best thing i do is i remove that horrid UXORIOUS UNDERHILLS sign the skateboard punks always put up as an initiation prank. Mary is the exact OPPOSITE of uxorious, she's a feminist babe who didn't need no man cos God Himself was literally her man. one day i hope to put up a LUXURIOUS LANEY sign under Mary's feet.

Gerry huddles the fellas together before practice.

Gerry: gentlemen, we have a problem. look, guys, we all want to fuck Laney. so what are we gonna do about this?

Ryan Stiles: foursomes are good for team morale. like a basilica barbershop quartet.

Harrison: i propose a toast. i mean a challenge. a contest. whoever comes up with the best place to take Laney to dinner wins. i propose McDonald's.

Gerry: i propose McDonald's.

Ryan: i propose McDonald's.

Harrison: yeah the McDonald's that is just a block away from the church.

Frances Tiafoe: i had to play Nadal.........and then i had to play Young Nadal.

King Charles III approaches the church lectern.

King Charles from the lectern: i'm sick of marching. as my first official act as Sovereign, i shall flip the bird at a bird. 

bird: but i'm an inkbird!!!

King Charles: a pesky pigeon that got in my hair. 

Charles: it's my job to keep the UK intact and together. united Kingdom, i'm the king of this kingdom, i just worked that out this morning...

King Charles: bloody leaky pen.........i'm not talking about my penis.

King Charles: think of the Monarchy as a Moulin Rouge.

 

Kelly Ripa in the Confessional box: i passed out during sex with Mark Consuelos.

Father Navin: because it was so good? or because you have a medical condition?

Kelly Ripa: have you ever blacked out during sex, Father? 

Father Navin: as long as GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is on your lips during the sex act, it's all kosher.

Mark Consuelos: we were both thinking about that English-language video-course soap-opera i was in.

Doritos at coffee and donuts: when you think of Doritos what's the first thing you think of?.........a marriage proposal, yes.

King Charles riding a horse into church: wait, i don't get a grand lush 7-hour Crowning Ceremony Coronation in black-and-white like MaMa did? the good news is my Accession Ceremony looks like the queue you line up in to get into Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland.

King Charles: wait hold up, the Koh-i-Noor diamond in my crown is MISSING!!!!!!!!!

King Charles: if Serena Williams had been in the Final of her final U.S. Open, i would have been there in the stands at Arthur Ashe Stadium.

Israel Horovitz: see? i'm not a stodgy old director. i'm cool. my son is Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys. 

Iga Swiatek: can i get the $2 million in cash?.........i got some temptations to explore in the Polish sections of New York City tonight.

the Royal Beekeeper travels across the planet to the apiary hidden in the hedges.

Royal Beekeeper: which hedge was it? right the green one. no the yellow-and-black one, got it. it's in the hole of that wax tree with the spigot made from a sucker branch. The Queen is dead long live The Queen i mean King. 

bees: that sucks. but oh well, we still have Angelina Jolie.

Royal Beekeeper: you have Liz Truss.

bees: we don't feel like making honey anymore. we are not in a honey mood.

Princess Margaret at the church lectern: i want it to be known that i will not be marrying Group Captain Peter Townsend.

Peter Townsend: well that sucks. who? The Who? why do i keep receiving smashed guitars in the mail? 

Gerry: Group Captain, that's like a Choir Captain.

Princess Margaret: this damn crown on my head is forcing me not to marry the love of my life. i will never be the same after this. i will never know happiness. from this decision on, my life will go downhill. this decision will cause my 5 strokes until i eventually die. it is not lost on me that i make this decision on Halloween...

in the pews Madame Pons hugs her sister Madame Exorcist from Inuyasha... 

C+C Music Factory dancing on the altar: is this mic on? this mic can't be dubbed, okay? just so you know before we start. no that's not the Red Hot Chili Peppers logo, our logo is cooler. we simply decided to put music to our daily aerobics routine.

Beth Cahill with a blue Virgin Mary rose in her hair: i could totally play Suzanne Vega when the time comes to make the movie.

Aaron Rodgers up in the cheap seats: i believe in science.........you don't believe me? okay let me try to win you over by being cool. i did Ayahuasca. with shamans. i was trying to do an Altered States. i was trying to be Bill Hicks.

Steve Jobs at a CVS on the church field trip: why is printer ink SO GOD-DAMN EXPENSIVE?!!! why is the printer ink BEHIND GLASS?!!! this was NOT the world i envisioned.

U.S. Open 2022: Federer vs. Nadal...

Just Jaeckin: get it?

Burger King: our Royal Crispy Chicken Sandwiches.........it's a coincidence, we swear!!!

Melbourne: i miss the Carmel Car Show. it's the only place to see whitewall tires anymore.

Pom Poko: Care Bears done right...

Suzy Lu and Kakashi sit in the Church of Scotland pews for married couples.

Suzy Lu: i'm okay with people watching porn.

Kakashi: so.........is that what YOU do?

Suzy Lu: i mean, yes, sometimes, inbetween videos when i get bored as they take a day to upload.

Kakashi: i wish i could have become a millionaire simply by watching anime like you did.

Suzy Lu: *smiling with her teeth fixed* it's mad, right? WHO NEEDS SCHOOL?!!!

Kakashi: .........but i didn't. so i need to get back to work as a rogue village ninja now.

Croton: home of croutons. and Communion host wafers. in Upstate New York.

Alcaraz: they tried to lock me up in Alcatraz to keep me from getting the #1 ranking. but i was too young to go to Alcatraz.

Mayhem from Allstate at the grade-school soccer grounds: i'm the mascot. my oversized head is of Keanu Reeves.........because he will always be a better actor than me.

Madame Pons: i suddenly have a crush on Patrick Mahomes.........you be your too-personal self, Pat, you overshare, boy!!! join me in the tub for some bath-bomb bazooms.

Laura Trevelyan: sorry i like the Allman Brothers. i take Orange Sunshine inbetween news breaks. i threw my phone in the box and broke it before anyone noticed the music playing at the top of the BBC America News intro. i hope i don't get fired for this, it was improper during The Queen's time.........at least it wasn't porn sounds.

Suzy Lu: ...

Suzy Lu: this is why Scotland is leaving the Union...

Father Navin inviting the invocation of Blessing of the Hands to the altar: ajuinnata. it's a word that means real inner strength, fortitude. nothing to do with courage gained through marijuana.

Shia LaBeouf: DO IT!!! SAY THE WORD!!! SUMMON!!! DO IT!!!

Father Navin: ajuinnata.

Shia: *shouting in church which creates vibrations* no, AJUINNATA!!!!!!!!!

Father Navin: the T-strap, not just for shoes, you must exercise on The Cross...

Mariel Hemingway: i'm Susan Dey, right?

St. Cyril's is the home of Queen Elizabeth II's funeral. the pageantry is electric as The Queen makes her way down the aisle. not in the cortege, on her own power.

Queen Elizabeth II: you see this aqua-blue can of beans i hold in The Royal Gloved Hand before you? no it's not Britain's wind energy. the beans feel like velvet. Heinz Beanz has been renamed Queenz Beanz!!! do you really want my son's big ears on the money now?

The Queen: so i go down to the store during the Royal Procession cos i'm quite peckish by now. i make a beeline to the pasta section, i'm so tiny i could sleep in the shelves. there's no spaghetti. all the spaghetti is gone. you ever notice that? ALL of the rest of the pastas are there: the shells, the bowties, the balls. nobody wants any of the other pastas, they just want the spaghetti.  

The Queen: i very much appreciate Scotland, i love those Sherlock Holmes dunes!!! do you see how SILENT the Scottish guards are who vigil my casket? i love that, it's so regal, so immense, the quiet is so LOUD it's spiritual. no words are spoken, it's just the FULL BREADTH OF SILENCE that confronts you as you pass by to gawk at my coffin. file by the funeral. the SILENCE OF GODDESS. the Silence of Fuerza.

 

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Dyan Cannon: fire the cannon for the queen. i'm basically the same woman as Angie Dickinson......... but i ain't no basic bitch *laughs*

Al Pacino: anybody ever tell yous yous have a weird laugh?

Dyan Cannon: *laughing in a weird way* i have a weird laugh?

Pacino: yeah. it's very demoralizing when you and i are making love on a bearskin rug by the fireplace and instead of orgasming you laugh in that weird-laugh way of yours...

Eye Luggage: Lupin III: The First and go.

Jigen: who's your mom? your REAL mom? your origin-story mom?

Lupin III: Tomoe.........but that was a fake-out, Tomoe was LIKE a mom to me.........but then she was my biological mom IN A WAY...

Takahashi with his Takahashi Trapper Keeper: the animation. the 3DCGI animation is BRILLIANT.

Dirg: i found it CREEPY. it's TOO realistic. hyper-realistic.

Takahashi: but aren't you into deepfakes?

Dirg: of real people, not cartoons.

Ralph Bakshi: this is rotoscope, it's gotta be. the movements are too perfect. the eye expressions are making me cry. the butts, the tushes, the tuckuses, they're squeezable. and i have squeezed each and every one of them in my office. i invented rotoscope you know...

Eye: i reluctantly have to agree with Ralph here. how did Ralph get a key to the church? the emotion is so HUMAN, the motion is so fluid, i thought i was looking at real actors. this was better than Avatar. this is the FUTURE, soon there won't be any more need for real actors, just computer everything and it'll be BETTER.

Tom Cruise: ...

Laertus: i mean.........Nazis. Nazis, you know? why'd it have to be Nazis. if you go the Nazi route, you better BRING it or it'll blow up in your face and get cancelled on Twitter before anybody has a chance to see it.

Jerry Lewis: that's what happened with MY Nazi movie. and there wasn't Twitter yet...

Fujiko: as with any new Lupin movie the ONLY thing that matters is how I am drawn. how are they gonna design me, impossibly voluptuous like the Virgin Mary? exactly how many threads of clothes am i allowed to wear? can the human body bounce like that THERE? i gotta say.........with this one, i'm rather NONDESCRIPT, i'm pretty fully-clothed, you can't really tell that i'm some bombshell, some INSANELY ravishing sexpot.........i don't know if i like just being the group ginger.

Laetitia Lambert: i just have a weird name, you know? i mean look at my face, i do NOT look like a Laetitia. and it's Laetitia spelled with that extra a. i dunno, does a Laetitia have freckles?...

John Lennon: remember, it's the 1960s here, but it's Nazi-occupied France. if i had been born 20 years before there wouldn't have been Nazis.

Orson Welles: the Showa era, the time of Japanese gangsters, biplanes, archaeologists, and pocketwatches. hey is this a Dan Brown/Nic Cage picture? i would have liked to have worked hard for either gentleman.

Melbourne: that iconic yellow Fiat 500 tho. i mean Bumblebee from Transformers.  

Ahnenerbe: a SCOURGE upon the Earth, NOT AT ALL like bees.

Bonnie Tyler in a Welsh uniform: put me in, coach. 

Lupin: we're dealing with WWII-level codebreakers here. it's gonna be hard to crack the case.

Laetitia: are you Lupin or Conan?

Lupin: we did a crossover once. what do you think the password is?

Laetitia: LAETITIA.

Lupin: nah, too obvious. it's obviously LUPIN.........but spelled LOUPON...

Laetitia: BRESSON DID NOT WORK FOR THE NAZIS!!! he was like Nietzsche in that regard...

Lupin: don't you love how i LAUGH in this movie with my eyes closed and my mouth wide open showing my teeth?

Dyan Cannon: ...

Suzy Lu: ...

Laetitia: are you coming on to me? sexual assault in a cartoon? you can't rape me, you're a GENTLEMAN thief!!!

Lupin: some would say a regular hero...

Laetitia: wait, let me just get into my Tomb Raider thigh-high beige cargo shorts so i can archeology better cos my butt will be on display.

Dr. Wily: i'm the villain. i'm her grandpa. maybe. i look like if Dr. Wily was REAL...

Lupin: why are you always SCOWLING? your rubber face will freeze like that...

Lupin: i've worn many masks to escape Pops. 

Zenigata: yes but i want to talk to the Lupin face because you're my son, Lupin...

Lupin: i can't face that.

Goemon: wait, my sword was RUBBER this whole time?

Laetitia: grandfather, i know you're family but i don't want to be a thief anymore. i don't want to do "odd jobs" for you anymore. i thought "odd jobs" meant getting printer ink at CVS at midnight.

Lambert: you want to go to Boston University? everyone in Boston is a thief. hello? TEA, anyone?

Laetitia: how can i get into Boston U without a scholarship? you ripped up my SAT scores.

Lambert: my dear it's high time you learned the ways of the world. change into these butt-hugging cargo shorts...

Tyzik: i LOVE how the plane's logo on its side is the Boston Market logo!!!

Geralt: whatever you do, don't give that red-headed woman a machine gun. are you sure this is a photo of Hitler?

Lambert: it's photoshopped but yes.

Geralt: he looks like John Cleese in a wheelchair.

Lupin: with this Eclipse energy, we can power all our electric cars. but all our electric cars can only be powered by the sun. Eclipse energy is moon energy.

Elon Musk: run by the sun? don't blame me, blame Biden. i'm Elon Mush, R.I.P. to the Iditarod...

Lupin: there's just enough Eclipse energy to make some mole and some primary Aztec coffee.

Olmec: you found me, Lupin.

John Cleese: it's not a good look for me that i'm a right-winger and i look like Hitler. no, the Fourth Reich isn't in South America, Boys of Brazil is a coffee brand.

Laetitia: grandfather, i'm waiting for your Darth Vader vs. Palpatine moment. you gotta save me, i'm blood.

Lambert: no, you're not related to me at all. i raised you, fed you, clothed you, and sent you away to college because i wanted your password.

Laetitia: the password was LOVE.

Lambert: i have a PhD in robotics. Mega Man must be stopped. it's easier to deal with fictional evil.

Zenigata: work with the enemy? work with Lupin? only if i get a pair of TENNIS SHOES!!! my feet are KILLING ME after 55 years!!!

Zenigata: hey, how come Lupin and Fujiko never made a Lupin IV? where's the baby?

Lupin: copyright.

Fujiko: i'm not attracted to Lupin, he's too skinny.

Zenigata: word of warning, the Interpol helicopter has TWO spinning rotors so it'll be a bumpy ride...

Lupin: NOPE, i won't wear the Hitler mask...

Geralt: wait, black holes are REAL?!!!

Geralt is holding on by a thread of Fujiko's clothes.

Lupin: hang on. i'm a hero, remember? what's your favorite song?

Geralt: that sandstorm song...

Lupin: no the correct answer is that Kansas song about dust.........cos you're about to become dust. 

Geralt, falling: and i always thought i had the new Gestalt in me...

Laetitia: can i get a kiss?

Lupin: i would but.........James Bond never kissed his women and i'm the Japanese James Bond. there's still Paheal for that sort of thing.

Queen Elizabeth: catafalque is a fun word to say. it's not dirty. my catafalque catapulted me to Heaven. want a bier?

Mardith: you're into 222, too?

Queen Elizabeth: 2:22.

Mardith: you're a right manifesting monarch!!! a bitchin' British babe!!!

Queen Elizabeth: thank you.

Gladyce and Doryce: we bow to Crone Prime!!!

Queen Elizabeth: thank you. you witches, here, take my sceptre, i don't need it anymore. g'night folks.

 

 

 

TMIT: CURIOUS GEORGE HAS A TAIL.........I SAW IT

 

1. have you purchased cryptocurrency (bitcoin, ethereum, dogecoin)? 

yes. i bought my cryptocurrency with cryptocurrency.

2. have you been scammed by cryptocurrency? cryptocurrency is dead now, right? Elon Musk said cryptocurrency was just a big scam he foisted onto the world cos he was bored.

3. where are you now? nowhere

4. where do you want to be? The Queen's bedroom. i want to sit on her throne. the throne in her bathroom.

5. how may hotels have you been kicked out of? only the Hilton ones. the bellboy kicked me out because he said i looked like Paris Hilton. i do look a lot like Paris Hilton...

and then of course that motel next to Walt Disney World but that was in the script, that was a planned scene, that was for The Florida Project...

6. how many bars have you been kicked out of? the only bar that matters is the one on which currently holds the weight of the balled foot of Natalie Portman. the weight is straining the bar to bend downward but it's holding. next to her leg is my leg as i'm learning to plie. i do brutal ballet, i dance to Nine Inch Nails and metal music. i take the pain in for both of us so i can save Natalie from having to go through that Black Swan ending again...

BONUS: what is in the boot/trunk of your car? me. i kidnapped myself. my psychiatrist said it was the only way...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN

 

notes:

* Britain is now rudderless.........like me.

* Queen Diana: now that you're here i'd like a word with you. this won't be a Tea or anything but maybe a few LEMON scones.

Queen Liz: i told you i was sorry. what more do you want from me? my marmalade sandwich has melted in my handbag and is now my soggy bottom. i'm with Phil now that's all that matters.

Queen Diana: i mean think about it, on THIS day it was supposed to be QUEEN DIANA!!! imagine that: QUEEN DIANA!!! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO FUCKING COOL!!!

* Suzanne Vega: my song "In Liverpool" is about me really wanting to fuck a monk. but only AFTER he becomes a monk thus becoming unattainable which would make the sex in the belfry that much more hot. very much the life story of Phoenix...

* Suzanne Vega: it's also about me wanting to do a hunchback but that's a story for another day. i loved climbing the rope in gym class and there'd be a church bell at the top...

* Janny Assiminios: i have every right to be in the queue as you do too. i've assimilated, i come from the Greek Isles, like my great-uncle George Stephanopoulos who's great and my ancient ancestor. the Greek Isles are part of the Commonwealth innit. look there are times when you get ONE CHANCE IN LIFE to make something happen, i'll never have the opportunity to KISS A KING again!!! i am no Michael Fagan!!!

Michael Fagan: i just wanted to be in The Young Ones, i was perfect for that role...

* Vyvyan from The Young Ones: when you look at me the first thing you see isn't the metal stars ON AND IN my face and my general Sex Pistols anti-Thatcher disposition. what you see is that i'm ACTUALLY A MEDICAL STUDENT at this fucking college!!! i mean imagine my Friday nights working hard late into the night burning the midnight oil with my metal medical-experiment tools at the student labs...

* Jillian Clare: it's the last Days of Our Lives ever on broadcast TV!!! it's the end of the Age of Soap Operas. it's the end of soaps. 

Madame Pons: ...

Jillian: it's the end of an era!!! much like the Queen. i started on this show as a child. child ator. child actress. it's kinda like how Queen Elizabeth II started on the throne so young...

* Vogue Arabia: we are literally the ONLY VOICE OF FOR AND BY WOMEN in certain regions of the world...

* Liz Truss: i shook hands with Liz. i'm gonna do for bees what Angelina Jolie could not!!!

* MBC at the Long Walk at Windsor Castle: the British do longtables better than the Americans ever could...

* George Stephanopoulos's Good Morning America coffee mug: we're all waiting for the next REAL Zelda game...

* Laertus: oh, i thought those were signed hams, not signed wine glasses, that is the only Yellowstone merch i'd ever get...

* Casper Ruud: i look like Roger Federer.

Roger Federer: speak, young man.

Casper Rudd does an on-court interview.

Roger Federer: YOU SOUND EXACTLY LIKE ME!!!

* Domino's: gas prices are OFF THE CHARTS!!! like, FIVE DOLLARS A GALLON!!! we heard it was 10-dollars-a-gallon in Britain. inflation makes us hungry for pizza. low prices here at Domino's.........FOR NOW...

* DQ: if your jeans aren't DARK BLUE, we reserve the right to kick you out of the pumpkin patch. it's hay-larious.

woman in dark-blue jeans: don't ever say sesh again...

* Olive Garden: SAUCE IS THE BOSS. our psychiatrist said we were getting too obsessed with the look, feel, color, texture, heat, and smell of Alfredo sauce, it was becoming unhealthy and disturbing...

* Chewy cat: i love my human. notice how i didn't say i love my master or my owner. i really do love him, i'm not just faking it to get a chewtoy, manipulating him into taking my collar off. i can easily scroll a screen with my paw...

Greykid: i like this one.

Toily: cats think chewtoys are beneath them...

* GEICO

Green Hawk: a giant robot downtown? that's good for the environment.

Green Hawk: i'm not The Green Hawk. i'm The Green Phoenix. the Green Hornet name has been so badly damaged and sullied by Hollywood i didn't want to touch that one. 

delivery man: delivery for Green Hawk. hot hawk wings with green sauce. you have to pay me in green.

GEICO: CUT. this can't be a GrubHub commercial, too...

CLICK HERE FOR A 70-YEAR TRANSITION

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i want to get that BBQ sandwich from Bruno's but that walk through the Obec Carmel woods to grandma's house is a treacherous one. Queen Elizabeth II was everyone's grandma. the Grand Mum. my feet will be all dead and blistered. and i'll get run over by a car which is ironic cos i gots no more car. it comes down to how much is salt and pepper really worth? how much do i need to taste Bruno's salt and pepper?... 

CHOIR CYRIL: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL AS AN ADULT (WHO WROTE THE BIBLE?)

 

it's the first day of school. but not for these four. not really. the 4 members of the St. Cyril of Jerusalem Church & School Choir in Encino, California for 1985 through 2022 and beyond are: choir director Gerry, Laney, Harrison, and Ryan Kramer Stiles. Gerry wears an industrial long-sleeve blue shirt that matches his jeans and sports a scruffy beard and Deadhead hair. Laney is a BEAUTIFUL woman who wears the first-ever pantsuit-miniskirt in herstory and high heels to match to church. Harrison is insecure and sweating. and Ryan Stiles is Ryan Stiles from Whose Line Is It Anyway. 

Laney: oh my GOD it is so GREAT that we can come back to St. Cyril's on Sept. 6 and not have to go to school. no more of those cramped desks with bubblegum underneath that got stuck sticky in my panties. 

Harrison: i remember all that shit. the First Day of School gave me ABJECT FEAR, and hives. i was terrified of all the kids coming back bigger stronger and taller and making fun of me cos i hadn't experienced one growth spurt my whole life, i was still runty, small, tiny, fat, and bald in the 5th Grade.

Ryan Stiles: i liked school. i liked the black-tar asphalt jungle of the playground. i was tall even back then so i was the pole all the kids played volleyball around, i had to watch out for that string coiling around my neck.

Gerry: yeah well from now on we practice HERE, in this cute little alcove that looks like a Prince music video. it has stage lights at the glass bottom, blue-grey diamond tile all around for good acoustics, four ferns at the corners, and a waterfall in the back.

Laney clutching her forehead: PHEW!!! PERFECT for our 100-degree San Fernando Valley heat!!!

Father Navin meets with Shia LaBeouf in his study.

Shia: is this an exit interview? i'm used to those.

Navin: how you like my office? spiffy, aye?

Shia: it's bigger than my New York apartment. why is it that only YOU have the PlayStation 7 hooked up to your grand-screen TV?

Navin, as always, charms everyone in his parish with a few magic tricks.

Navin: i will make my finger separate from my hand.........SEE?

Shia: fuck that's awesome, only YOU do that buzzing whistling ZIP ZIZURP!!! noise when you do it that no other human can do.

Navin: my life goal is to become Monsignor Navin. so Shia, what brings you in here to see me today?

Shia: i'm a FUCKING MESS. my lifepath is going down a cliff.

Navin: we Californians know landslides well.

Shia: i've hurt so many people. even my mom who i think is the current sexiest woman in the world. i've hurt every single human being who has ever lived on this Earth and moon colony.

Navin: okay but why Catholicism? it's very weird for people to choose to become a CATHOLIC to change their life, to see the light, to finally get the answer. i mean this is L.A. in the entertainment quadrant, i see atheists all the time trying to convert back to their parents' Judaism to see if it clicks.

Shia: it's the Latin Mass, that got me, i'm all into that pageantry, it goes with my eccentric eclectic art lifestyle. the truth is.........i'm trying to find my brother.

at Midnight Msss Navin is at the altar with bubblegum under the slab.

Navin: is this considered very late or very early? at any rate there's only one person in the pews. whatever, i'll hold up this GIANT WAFER HOST which is a cream cracker that contains no cream. thank you for waiting for my arms to lower. and now let's flip to a random page in the Bible, wait while i lick my finger with my tongue. so, who wrote The Bible?

William Shakespeare stands up from his pew.

Shakespeare: i did. 

James Webb Space Telescope at the Griffith Observatory: providing the pictures for future V A P O R W A V E albums for the next 100 years...

homebodies: the introverts of the 1980s

Martina Navratilova at the U.S Open: hi.

Mike Tyson wearing Nike: hi.

Martina: i'll keep the Cocker-Spaniel-dachshund dog, you keep the pigeon.

Laura Ranch-Hands horsebox parked in the church parking lot: not a Safeway sandwich. we're the film-noir horse therapy...

Frances Tiafoe: i love Serena Williams.........in fact i'm currently dating Skinny Serena Williams...

Pacific Grove Adult Education: school in a lighthouse

Monterey Herald at the Don's Plum kiosk: Democracy Dies in Darkness...

Sirjan at the travel bureau: why must a city always have "Things To Do"? why can't a city just BE?...

Susan Dey downtown: i look like Meg Ryan's mom...

Rob Schneider: I'M THE LUCKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.........that my last name was RIGHT AFTER Adam Sandler's last name...

Lorne Michaels on the Andrew Lloyd Webber stage: have you ever noticed that a lot of starlets, young Hollywood women, host SNL ONE MONTH AFTER they get married to their first husband in a marriage which will last only a year...

Michelle Ruff in a Confessional sound booth in Culver City: i mean i do like it rough but it's not cos i voice Fujiko...

grandparents on Grandparents' Day: we still remember Patriot Day...

there will be many funerals at St. Cyril's tonight. first up is Sulu the cat. 

Navin: i don't know about you but i LOVE night funerals!!! the ATMOSPHERE of it all, right? i'm wearing my special green-purple robes for this one. well what can i say about Sulu? she was a fixture in this community, she attended Mass at a better rate than any of the losers i see in the rows now, you guys only come to church when there's a funeral!!! 

Sulu pops open the lid of her small square coffin, jumps out, and exits the church into the sunlight. she returns a minute later as a white chicken meowing instead of clucking.

Navin: see? i always knew reincarnation was real.

Sulu: not with my head cut off this time!!! phew!!! i got a new head. a head that can hear. OH MY!!!

Gladyce and Doryce in the rectory under the heat-tent serve out donuts and coffee for the many parishioners.

Gladyce: why do we eat two cookies in the morning, dear? that was a very bad weird tradition to start.

Doryce: well don't we look smart in our Sunday best, dear!!! we're both wearing business suits and veils but i'm still barefoot not to be traditional, to be sexy. now that i think about it.........yeah you're right, we just started eating two cookies in the morning for breakfast.

Gladyce: but why two? one cookie each morning would suffice...

sucker branch in the church courtyard: the repo bank

Dr. Steven Gundry giving a lecture with a vibrato microphone on the church glass floor: this vibrator is shit. my WIFE Penny lives in Palm Springs, not me...

Dr. Gundry: GO NUTS EATING NUTS!!! no legumes tho. nothing non-Southern European...

Caroline Wozniacki: oh yeah i remember that, i ended Melanie Oudin's fairytale run at the U.S. Open...

Melanie Oudin: no YOU ENDED MY TENNIS CAREER!!!

Nick Annacone: i'm not Nick Cannon, stop sending me condom vending-machines...

Roman woman: it rhymes!!!

Roman woman squatting on the same patch of land as St. Cyril's Church but in Medieval times eating Roman Meal bread: ...

Roman woman with leaves in her hair: pre-flowers...

the Crossroads Carmel flags: we're at half-mast. not the American flag, just the Crossroads Carmel flags.........because we're still mourning the loss of McDonald's here in 1999...

Stephen King: yeah yeah, everybody has their first novel coming out soon on Kindle...

on Navin's TV in his smoke den: William & Harry live within spitting distance of each other at Frogmore.........as in there's just enough distance for the two grown men to spit in each other's faces...

Mer de Glace for the film festival: you can only see the inside of a glacier by skiing through it...

Liz Truss from the lectern: you can trust me. get on the bus. i can back that thang up...

Laertus: the stores at the Crossroads Carmel, those storefronts smell like Macy's but they're not Macy's so you don't have to max out your credit card.

Eye Luggage: but Crossroads has that outdoor fountain. the ONLY good thing about Macy's is the indoor fountain...

xeriscaping the church orange groves on the sides: the first lawn on Mars...

PBS Headquarters in Los Angeles: our ENTIRE MISSION STATEMENT is preventing another Holocaust from ever happening again.

fuel poverty with the church mice: Navin has done well here. there are windmills at St. Cyril's, solar panels on the roof. the first metropolitan house of worship in the world to employ solar in the '80s. 

Father Navin's sermon:  it was only logical. we've made St. Cyril's the Garden of Eden all over again, the Bible tells us to use what's all around us.........before roads, before buildings, before people fucked everything up.

Peridot from Steven Universe on the spiked church roof: periodt...

Don Miguel Ruiz in the Toltec church library: the 4th one, Do Your Best, very Japanese anime...

Orvis fishing pants for when it rains fish one time a year in L.A.: the Midas touch

honeybite: too much Honey Nut Cheerios around the neck at Dartmouth Ash Wednesday...

radical odyssey: when Coolio first discovered hip-hop...

Vincent van Gogh doing the Stations of the Cross: i don't need a girlfriend, i need a fuelfriend. oil paintings were simply the photographs of the 19th century.

Vincent van Gogh: btw, even in my wild imaginings as i ate a can of microwave Curry Heinz-Beanz beans in the purple can while inside a microwave, did i ever imagine i would have become THIS BIG...

the crew is holed up in the abandoned what used to be the K-8 grade school of St. Cyril's.

Eye Luggage: assemble!!! the school closed down because of budget cuts. shame. i remember this place. getting straight As was hard but grade school was fun, high school was a nightmare for me. 

Dirg: i remember eating glue. but then i started eating rubber cement...

Eye: i remember the cubbyholes for shoes. that's where i stored my first pair of Doc Martens.

Mardith: i remember making a paper wreath of holes, that opened my eyes...

Laertus: i remember the silver pencil sharpener. if i hadn't chewed all those pencils with my teeth back then as a kid i wouldn't have had to endure 3 root canals as an adult, adulting gone wrong.

Mardith bends over to lick the water in the holy water font with her tongue like a cat.

Mardith: stoup soup. sip sip sip. hey is it just me or is this holy water Ranch Water?...

Destinos: ...

Eye Luggage: Author! Author! and go.

Andre Gregory: okay look i'm sick of this fucking thing, all this fucking shit, I am the ONLY GOOD PART of this entire STINKER of a film!!! i am THE FACE!!! this movie was BAD. you're lucky i did My Dinner with Andre RIGHT BEFORE this to give you guys a head start, some sort of fighting chance, some good pub before the box office. am i testy? am i irritable? do i always wear the same scratchy sweater? you're damn RIGHT i do. my haircut is impeccable. i exit the room stage left, leaving through the center aisle. i'm always exasperated because i'm a REAL THEATRE DIRECTOR, honey, not an Al Pacino!!!

Al Pacino: i hate you.

Arthur Hiller: i hate you. too.

Al Pacino: what happened between us?

Arthur Hiller: i don't get it. i directed Love Story, i was on a roll. i really thought this was gonna be a hit. i saw the first stills of you in a woman's T-shirt serving breakfast in bed and i said to myself WINNER. GOLDMINE.

Pacino: that was a woman's T-shirt?

Eye: this movie is completely ANTI-WOMAN.

Tuesday Weld: tell me about it. i have the greatest name ever. i was conceived on a Tuesday and i'm the daughter of a welder. i was born to play the lead in Flashdance...

Dyan Cannon: thanks for taking the wife role. women are either bitches or sluts in Hollywood. i was so tired of playing the bitch, i wanted to have fun for a change, i wanted to go on a cruise. in a cruise-liner boat, Norwegian Cruises, i wanted to learn other cultures, other languages, not to be a better whore, to be a better woman!!! not as a paramour, as a person. the New York City art scene, the only time Marilyn Monroe was accepted into that circle was when she was with that writer...

Laertus: can i just say before we get started, the script for this is SO STRAINED, SO STILTED, the dialogue is so painfully WOODEN. they try for all the jokes but none of them land. i don't know what happened.

Al Pacino: me mumbling my lines didn't help either. i was NOT into this from the start, you can tell.

Pacino: i mean i get that this your life. but were you ever in an orphanage? raising 8 kids from 8 different mothers?

Israel Horovitz: no. but this had to be a comedy, if this were a drama it would have been way too dark, TOO DANK.

Laertus: i'm getting major Kramer vs. Kramer vibes here...

Alan King: i look like someone who's about to sell you a tuna sandwich...

Richard Belzer: this was the start of my New York Life...

Yudie Bank: i play a complete stranger in Author! Author! - no, really, the name of my part is literally "Complete Stranger". 

Pacino: i need to write a better second act? yeah i have notes. i have notes for the WHOLE PLAY.  how is a man on a playwright's salary supposed to feed eight mouths in New York City? it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

kids: fancy restaurants, McDonald's, it's all the same food to us.

Takahashi: see this just goes to show, you cannot make art ALONE. you cannot make art IN A VACUUM. art must be funded by THOUSANDS of people, the most important of which are the money people...

Pat Cash and Art Modell, the play's financiers, the investors, the backers: art cannot exist unless it's cashed by corporations...

Eric Bogosian: not cool, dude...

Pacino: what? i'm Travalian. i travel well. Armenians are cool. Armenians like Avo Babian show light and kindness to a tortured artist. i'm trying to be the opposite of a gangster here. i have no idea how to be a New York intellectual. why did we watch a Romanian movie instead of an Armenian movie?

Romanians: we have the better black comedies...

Bogosian: Angels in America, that's the play path you should have been on...

Igor: my name is Igor? i'm gonna get roughed up, these are public NYC schools we're talking about.

Max Kellerman: ...

Max: teased like tissue paper. but you have the nose of an Igor, you look like a cool troll, you look like Al Pacino...

Geraldo: poor kid, i was obviously named Geraldo cos the writer is a fan of talk shows at the time.

Pacino: see how i do that weird fake smile of mine? it's like it's halfhearted or something. will you do the play?

Dyan Cannon: yes. just let me drink two champagnes with my four Vanquish pills first.

Pacino: your name is Alice?

Dyan: yes, from Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice...

Pacino: what's the matter with you? why are you so irritable in the hallways this morning? i thought you made the cast of Saturday Night Live?

Denny Dillon: oh stuff it!!! yeah i made the cast but it's SNL Season 6!!!

Dyan: why are we dancing in the same ballroom as Last Tango in Paris?

Pacino: my boy Bob knows this kid named Marlon. so how was the sex? did i do a good job performing?

Dyan: i was dying, just kidding. you were pretty good. the sex with Cary Grant was.........complicated.

Pacino: kids, you got a new mom. help her move in.

kids: we had no idea wine came in boxes...

Pacino: did i forget to kill my kids? just kidding, mobster joke.

Dyan: oh just know that i can't eat birthday cake, okay? and i'm gonna forget where i live for the first month or so.........as a game.

orphans: we reserve the right to run away FROM EVERYWHERE AND ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME!!! being an orphan SUCKS!!! what's the point of divorce anyway? no one ever REALLY leaves...

B.J. Barie: i'm Spike. i've gotten knocked around 19 different families, no one wanted me, especially not my mom, but strangely Wade Boggs wanted me. i'm that kid with the shaggy hair and punk bluejeans vest you saw on Family Ties, remember? i was Mallory's motorcycle boyfriend as a boy. yeah i was probably on the Special Episode of Punky Brewster, too...

B.J. Barie: i collect only Fernando Valenzuela baseball cards...

Laertus: strong Mary Poppins vibes now...

play-director's girl assistant: you remember my face, don't you? i was on Facts of Life, probably. one of the girls at that all-girls school. Blair's roommate for that one episode, the Special Episode. i was a guest at Jo's wedding...

Dyan: you think he's gay? or bi?

Pacino: who, Richard Belzer? of Fame fame?

Richard Belzer: stagehands are sexy. stagehands like me are sexy. i'm not gay, i'm in love with Mariska Hargitay which is the same thing...

wife: how DARE you drag me over your back and carry me to the car like you're some Neanderthal or something!!!

Pacino: wifey please, don't make this harder than it has to be. this is the pinon of the movie, the standoff. don't you know i'm a secret Masshole? i got glaucoma in my eyes from being in Gloucester, that's how i act with my eyes. it's 100-below over here, there's ice everywhere, i'm shingling, and i forgot my snow boots.

wife: you need dock boots, you dick.

Pacino: Greyhound charges extra if it has to drive in water. how DARE you cheat on me with a seacliff painter. i'm a playwright and he's an outdoor painter, unforgivable.

wife: don't you know people can't change? you proved that during our marriage. i learned selfishness from YOU!!! all artists are self-absorbed. you interrupted my language class, i was trying to be the female professor from French In Action...

William Hurt and Marlee Matlin: ...

cops: we're detectives. we're in our pre-Law & Order police suits. we only eat church donuts in the '80s. hey what's that room down there in your basement?

Pacino: that room? that's where i keep my typewriter. and my landline phone for all the late-night booty calls i receive.

father with bullhorn: come off the roof and return my kids to me. they're saying it's a sexual-fetish thing with you.

Pacino: please, dad, don't make this any harder than it needs to be, this movie is bad enough already. 

Pacino: all my stepchildren make me whole which is ironic if you think about it. okay let's see how my play did. let's get the fresh copy of the New York Times in the dead of night. thank you, i love when newspapers came in bundles, cut the string with the scissors in my backpocket...you should always carry around scissors when you walk the streets of New York City and...here we go, the paper says, i turn the crease of the page, i flip it forward and, it smells like ink and success...

New York Times review: the play "English with Tears" made us cry. in the bad way. Pacino should have written about his experience raising an orphanage, not whatever THIS was. a play about catching a taxi in London before a wordsmith gets it? we don't know. although this play IS better than the movie Author! Author!...

Laertus: Lou Grant vibes...

at John Cazale's funeral held at St. Cyril's, John Cazale gets out of his coffin...

John Cazale: i mean why the FUCK didn't i play Travolta's part in Pulp Fiction?...

Pacino: i don't get it, your eulogy for John Cazale here was the most beautiful thing you've ever written. it was heartfelt, sincere, meaningful, and summoning. why didn't you bring any of that energy to Author! Author!? 

Israel Horovitz: i can do others' lives, not my life. g'night folks.

Sister Boniface hanging around the St. Cyril's lobby twirling Confessional-booth keys around her finger: this is where we make our stand, girls. come on, nuns!!! we're gonna SOLVE MYSTERIES HERE!!!

TMIT: GODNESS. NUDENESS. BE NAKED ALWAYS.

 

be naked always. be a goddess. be a god. have a Mount Olympus even in your cramped cubicle workspace...

1. what do you wear to sleep in? sleep in as in sleeping. i WISH i could sleep more. i wish i could sleep 24 hours a day. okay 23 hours a day and some orange-and-black Froot Loops cos it's Halloween cereal. i sleep UNDER the bed. it's not a Dracula costume, it's my clothes...

2. do you ever walk around your own place naked? that is reserved for people who have earned it, people who have earned to walk around naked in nothing but a pilling cotton robe and fluffy bunny slippers pacing back and forth up and down the stairwell of their palace. what's known as mansion motion. people like Howard Stern and David Letterman.

3. have you ever answered the door naked? yes. Jake from State Farm was at my door, both of them. i once got a singing telegram and was disappointed that the man was not naked. he was dressed like Mr. McFeely. he didn't even have on a Land Shark costume, i mean you have to at least TRY.

4. what part of your body do you like to be on show? my two-headed penis. because maybe NOW i'll land that date with the chick with the three tits from Mars...

5. when sunbathing how much do you bare? nothing. i don't want the sun PEEPING at my jock. it's not good for my self-esteem but it's good for the planet's self-esteem i.e. health so the planet will continue living cos it has a reason to live. vanity can wait. i want the entire globe to be covered with a blanket.........since the Ozone Layer is no more. plus besides suntan lotion is EXPENSIVE at LUSH!!!

6. would you bare all on a naturist (nude) beach? i went on a naturist hike once with a Berkeley professor who sported a scruffy beard and a pickax in his jorts backpocket. we got along famously cos if i didn't i'd be a body in the woods. the whole time i thought naturist meant two nature scientists palling around shooting the breeze at a mountain breeze talking about Darwin's theory and the theory that it's just a theory. digging for Jurassic Park bones in amber and eating granola. NO IDEA about the nudity stuff.

7. have you ever flashed your bits in public? yes. i'm ashamed to admit this cos i'm a lifelong catlover but i once had a dog. so i lugged around a GIANT 1000-pound SACK of Kibbles 'N Bits dog food on my shoulder all day dancing at the Home Depot cos it was 100 degrees and there was no air conditioning inside the Home Depot which is ironic if you think about it. my chihuahua stared at me like i was crazy...

8. have you ever given a striptease? once. when i was auditioning for the role of Bette Midler in Beaches...

9. ever gone skinny dipping? alone or with others? skinny dipping is such a fascinating word. it's not called nude dipping or naked dipping, skinny implies so naked that you've actually gotten skinnier because all of your clothes are now off your body. i relate to skinny cos i'm skinny in real life. i went nightswimming with Michael Stipe. did you know Michael Stipe can yodel underwater? while we were there at that Georgia bog Michael wrote a song called "Tire Swing" which was cut from the album at the last minute for being too risque...

10. do you like to look at naked people or do you want to show off your nakedness? both. hard shell and soft shell when it comes to tacos. Seven of Nine the Borg babe from Star Trek went to a sex dungeon in San Francisco where i'm sure she was exposed to a lot of bodies wearing nothing but then she was asked to remove HER clothes as well. to fit in. she declined, saying she had metal parts. and then the BDSMers came out in their metal rings...

BONUS: sexually speaking, what's the furthest you would go with a partner in public? i'd ask her to marry me. i'd do it in the center of Centre Court at Wimbledon on the last Sunday with a packed house. Princess Diana watching Jim Courier and Pete Sampras duel it out with slugs. it'd be impossible for her to turn down THAT proposal, right? in front of everybody? 

have you had sex in public? on Centre Court, Wimbledon. there's a debate as to which is the GRANDEST tennis stadium in the world. what's the biggest stage? Arthur Ashe Stadium at Flushing in New York for the U.S. Open or Wimbledon's Centre Court. i still think Wimbledon wins by a whisker of a grass blade...

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THE POPE: DEAR EARTH...

notes:

* can a car give you an ulcer?...

* The Pope: climate change is real. in order to combat it we must do so as a COLLECTIVE. it's easy to say fuck the world. every night when i'm handing out the Eucharist in those cute little thick wafers to random people who form a line, i'm praying to God, imploring him telling him FUCK THIS WORLD. but it's our only home. people suck, no amount of Confession will ever change that. oh who are we kidding, we're OLD!!! we're old fuddy-duddies and i say this as a woman!!! i feel sorriest for those poor Indians who live in the Amazon Rain Forest, they were the only ones living life THE RIGHT WAY!!! only the CHILDREN can save Earth now. the only good part of climate change is i get to sunbathe nude on top of the roof of Peter's Church in the Vatican Basilica where there is no bathroom...

* boy from Monsoon Wedding: the complexities of a dance routine cannot be overestimated.........it's like an eddy out there.........i'm not fat i have a dancer's body.

* Prakash Worldwide: jock sniffer? no, i lost my sense of smell during covid. you see i wanted to be Rafa Nadal.........and i wanted to be Anthony Bourdain...

* Genie Bouchard at The Tennis Channel: i won that match against Ali Riske.........but i didn't mention that, i was being humble, i was being Canadian, that's how i have to be on TV. now on Twitter and Instagram i can be my true rude self...

* Kuhikugu: looks like a Stouffer's french-bread sausage pizza...

* Jacques Pepin: i NEVER prepare salad on my cooking show...

* Ray Rusaw: i'm the nude bike valet at my bike chalet where i park the sleighs.........at the North Pole.

* Youth 83: M83's younger brother...

* Labor Day Weekend: seriously i never get this, why do so many people travel on Labor Day Weekend? they go on expensive trips, expensive trips around the world. WHO HAS THE GODDAMN TIME?!!! it's the START OF SCHOOL!!!

* shivering over school, shivering over those First Days of School, Sept. 1 or Sept. 6...

* Mary Carillo: Serena Williams is the greatest athlete of all time.........and she also put my kids through college, that cannot be overstated...

* Caroline Wozniacki commentating for ESPN: Madison Keys's forehand is able to just TEE OFF.........sorry, Rory McIlroy flashback...

* Greykid: okay i love this Samsung commercial. the cat is adorable and looks like Trinity i mean Mlem i mean Blep. 

Eckhart Tolle's cat Toily: i'm actually gray away from the light. 

Toily: all cats smile with their tongues.

Greykid: you know this is an artsy Upper West Side loft cos it has on glass tables large heavy white tomes for books full of pictures with large Roman-Numeral lettering carved in the spine the word FAVLKNER.

* Leonardo da Vinci: geometry is about cooking. flying is about soccer. Vitruvian Man is a mover. the first Steve Jobs black sweatshirt was made of fiber, ROUGH fiber...

* T-Mobile

ginger kid: look, just because Ed Sheeran is Ed Sheeran doesn't mean EVERY piano prodigy has to have red hair!!! yeah that's not Rocky Horror Picture Show, that's Repo! The Genetic Opera. FUCK REPO MEN!!! THEY'RE NOT JUST DOING THEIR JOBS!!!

* Honda: we did toy bikes and they said do a toy motorcycle that's street-legal. we did Formula 1 and they said do Formula 1 without any gas.

George Jetson: hey you better make a flying car soon, I'M ALREADY BORN!!!

* Latto Burger King: that's Burger Queen.

me: okay i'm digging this as in dig, i like the garden inside her foyer. working 9 to 5 while going to school?!!! please, i can take no more shivering. 

* VMAs gum: yeah i mean the VMAs now.........just aren't the VMAs then, there's not the EXCITEMENT anymore. the last thing you did before school started. the show everyone was talking about on The First Day of School, buzzing about, wondering where Eddie Vedder got that gray-green Army jacket...

* Clearblue at NYU Film School.

woman: hey rip that GOOD VIBES ONLY poster off the wall, i don't need that kind of energy in here right now. this is serious. if i'm pregnant i'm fucked, my life is ruined, my life is over, i have to withdraw from school and become a nobody again. Leonardo DiCaprio was NOT worth it.  

woman's dorm roommate Janeane Garofalo: i tried to warn you, honey. James Franco will only be worth it THIS semester as he's lecturing on the CliffsNotes he wrote...

woman: it's a good thing i didn't go to Arizona State...

* Kane Brown: Kanye West is FORCING me to do country music.........the Artemis Rocket launch has been scrubbed for the FINAL TIME cos i've already been on the moon visiting Kanye...

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sad weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i get my car back...