Jennifer Pizarro: it's not that she's any kind of girl. any skeezer. a higher-echelon princess. a Nobel Prize winner. a winneress. a wintress. it's that she's HER. simply THIS PERSON. you love this person.
Jen and i kiss on the mouth forcefully, angrily, bracingly. i want to crowbar the words out of her mouth with my tongue, clamp her bit lip with my teeth, force her to say it and open the gates of Heaven. does she love me?
me: do you love me?
me: is Jen on the train? where is she?
Kristof: as a monk deep in meditation i've seen the universe. the universe in toto. the universe is pure chaos. so there's nothing you can do, all a human ever has is hope.
Anthony Bourdain: traveling alone is very sad...
Gladyce: i figured out the drink mess. see i used to keep drinks in my room but the ants would swarm my potter's cup and my desk would become a hissing hive. so i moved the cup of half-drunk drink to a shelf OUTSIDE my room where my magic books are. all books are magic. but EVENTUALLY, like 5 weeks later, the ants migrated over to that shelf. so now i have to keep all my drinks inside the refrigerator at all times. i drink from the cup and place it back in the fridge, it's inconvenient but it's the only way. the good news is at night i don't have to worry about returning the drink BACK to the fridge before i plug in all my devices...
Doryce: your vibrator?
Trent Reznor: for me, music is war.
Madame Pons: Otherland candles? LUSH is already an other land.
Dirg: i was feeling down. but seeing Proverbs 24:16 at the bottom of my paper In N Out Burger french-fries tray made me whole again.
In N Out Burger: tho a righteous man fall 7 times, the mischief-maker won't know what to do when calamity strikes.
Dean Winters: ...
Melissa Maker: i memorized that verse...
King Tut: how did i REALLY look? androgynous.
Nero: i was always so pissed off cos i looked like a ginger nerd, like if Ed Sheeran wasn't cool.
Cleopatra: i look like if Nasim Pedrad were the girl next door.
Mardith: i never read myself. i want my life to be the glorious unknown. but i will seek counsel from those whom i deem to be authentically connected. it's hard not to be a snob about all this, but i'm trying to be authentic here.
Mardith: catharticism. first day of me working with a girl at the college up the hill from the monastery, and she asks me what her purpose is:
Mardith: what is your dream? everyone needs a dream. like Naruto. Naruto has a dream.
girl: Naruto?
Mardith: you gotta watch more anime.
Attack on Titan "Night of the End" episode campfire potato-stew powwow in the woods: The Twelve Apostles
Shenmue: dragons don't sleep.
Puff the Magic Dragon: oh i sleep with the aid of my magic puff powder...
Gil Scott-Heron: i'm not a hard-of-hearing Girl Scout.
Justine Frischmann: i escaped the madness. i escaped the madness of the world. i live quietly like a monk now. i married my UC-System professor who's not a plant nor a plant professor but a predictor. when we fuck we use fencing sabers and epees like Morticia and Gomez fucked on The Addams Family.
Dirg: what does your husband do?
Justine Frischmann: he fights Jim Cantore at the Obec College planetarium. all the glass there is broken now. you see Blur's song "She's So High" was about me...
Dudley Moore: elf-confidence is not what you think, it means quitting Santa's patriarchy once and for all and becoming the first dead elf.
Victoria Arlen: don't you DARE call me Victoria Arlong!!! i know the truth!!! i'm Team Nami all the way!!! i know who the REAL bad guy is!!! Cobra was confined to a wheelchair later in life but i identify with Vivi, she is my hero.
Mardith: if you laugh at your own jokes you're an introvert, right?
Dirg: imagine losing your job because you wouldn't do a sex scene.
Mardith: ...
Dirg: a man, for a MAN to lose his job this way...
The Simpsons: hey can i make a suggestion on behalf of the whole world? for all of us, please, ALL of the signs in tiny print on the show, have a character READ THEM OUT LOUD!!!
Laertus: i'm not a NASCAR guy but that actually makes me cry in the Xfinity commercial when the guy yells in a Southern twang and lifts his pipecleaner arms, exclaiming:
when he gets the NASCAR prize.
Hank Hill: ...
J Lo: i finally got what i wanted.........a Green Lantern ring. i'm a fucking Green Lantern now, bitch. my booty will look GOOD in that Green Lantern suit.
American Spirits: we're cigs. but we're natural cigs. herbal, baby. plus if you buy a pack of us we plant a tree...
Cecily Strong and Kyle Mooney have knock-down drag-out sex at the guest lodge.
Cecily: well.........that was.........something.
Kyle: thank you. in the middle of that i literally thought i was gonna die.
Cecily: this was bound to happen after my breakup with that other former cast member, i like real PIPECLEANER men, the skinnier the better, stiff as a board. and thin as one, too.
Kyle: cos you like to conquer them in bed? dominate them with your derriere? that other cast member will never have a successful show ever again but he fucked Cecily Strong, that's something he can tell his grandkids.
Cecily: TELL them cos i won't be his family. you're not gonna spring on me a reveal of a zipper in your bodysuit somewhere, right?
Kyle: at least tell me you're a fan of my work.
Cecily: no. i really hate those little '80s cartoons. my mom is harping me daily, on my fucking CASE all day to find a man or i won't have a future, she says. it didn't help that Colin trapped ScarJo and somehow Pete snagged Kim K from under Ye.
Kyle: how the fuck did Kim Kardashian detect Big Dick Energy from that Aladdin kiss with Pete? Pete's skinnier than ME!!!
Cecily: my time's running out. on this show. on my life. on marriage and family.
Kyle: i'm not sure i'm husband material, i could literally blow away if there's a windstorm in New York. wanna go see Brigsby Bear? why is it that everytime i hike in the monastery forest alone i find bear poo everywhere?
Cecily: that's the one you did, right? about the childhood toy-doll television-bear that comes to life?
Kyle: without magic. i had the idea first, Teddy Ruxpin copied ME. but it's not about Teddy Ruxpin, it's about ME.
Cecily: yeah i don't know. no would be my answer. it's just too creepy measly and breezy, you know?
Laertus's dad: Anthony Hopkins trying to stop Nazis was ALL '90s FILMS...
Stephen A. Smith in an accountant's suit: i'm here to hold the NBA players ACCOUNTABLE.
Tony's Chocolonely: slave-free chocolate only here. don't get me STARTED on West Africa. the symbol stamped on our chocolate is meant to be provocative. Tony is a common Dutch name. we see you, we see your plight, may you never be lonely again.
Gladyce at The Store: there are 3 kinds of chips: tortilla, potato, and flavor-powder tortilla.
Doryce: dear why are eggs always in that grey felt carton?
Greykid at The Store: it's prejudiced. the pet-food aisle only has cat and dog food. it discriminates against any other pet. where are the bird people to go? the fish people? where are the lizard people to go?
Dirg at The Store: for the record, loading all the groceries into those 4 large white Macy's bags is a FUCKING PAIN everytime!!!
Chris Matthews: miss me? don't you miss me? remember me? after you unloaded the groceries you'd watch my show as you ate your deli dinner...
Walmart: we get trillions of orders...
CMT Award: i should be flashier. i should be a bust of John Wayne or something.........at least a statue of a cowboy.
Maiara Walsh: i'm an insomniac. i literally get NO SLEEP for large week-long stretches of time. thankfully all that red eye just makes my blue eyes get BLUER...
Anthony Perkins: i look like Spock.
Spock: except Spock never needed lucky panties.
Anthony Perkins: i just wanted to marry my husband. i died early cos i missed out on all those juicy roles which were denied me for obvious reasons...
Bank of Pancakes: not crypto. delicious.
Gilbert Gottfried: the media has completely ignored my death. like they completely ignored my life.
Mardith: tarot energy would be better to fuel electric cars.
Madame Pons: tarot cards or tarot cars?
Bob Ross drinking his positive-energy drink: don't call me Bobby, that makes me angry.
Burning Man: i'm awesome. i'm naked and life-changing. i will alter your spirit, make you vibrate a different way. the only thing that sucks about me is right after i'm over you go back to school.
Mardith: yeah but it's Berkeley or Obec so you're still on a high all semester...
Jacques Pepin: beer sucks. all beer tastes like circus piss. except French beer...
Johnny Depp: i heard...
the painting is finished. and so is me. i wait one more day to see if i get another postcard, the postcard's late, it's impossible to mail anything to a monastery anyway. alas, no. no more dreams either. i do receive a postmarked letter with the red-and-blue stripes all special. but it's from the Camaldolese Nuns of Popeye who confirm that Jen stayed with them for one day.
me: Jen is the ultimate troll. she does this just to spite me.
i hear Jen whispering in my ear but i don't know which corner of midnight the corner of my pillow is floating on.
Jen: i don't do this to spite you. i do this so you will chase me. to give you a PURPOSE. to CONTINUE your purpose. how LONG are you willing to fight for me? how long until you get me? a lifetime? two lifetimes?
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Nic Cage: see The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, trust me, you will laugh your ASS off.
Daniel Day-Lewis: ...
Eye: Roadrunner and go.
Dirg: i refuse. it's CNN.
Anthony Bourdain: do it for me.
Dirg: okay.
it's Holy Week and Anthony Bourdain is ready.
Bourdain: it was nice staying here at the monastery on my hiatus, i got to know the fellas, the monks, i cooked them REAL food for once instead of that Jack In The Box slop. but i'm afraid by talking to me i turned all your monk souls dark.
Bourdain: this was a nice little coda to my life but it didn't win the Oscar. it was fun catching up with all my old friends, my old haunts, as a spirit. i'm a spirit now, a spirit floating, wandering for eternity.
The Pope: that's depressing.
Bourdain: you don't know the half of it. a lot was made about the use of AI in this documentary. i was okay with it, it freaked me out, it was creepy, but i was okay with it. because the artificial intelligence made me seem smarter, there were vocalizations of me saying words i never spoke, only wrote, that was neat, that was cool. they were nicely disguised you couldn't tell where in the movie those passages were. imagine if you could hear Shakespeare in his own voice? in his own RECORDED voice?
Shakespeare: i sounded like Gilbert Gottfried.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: don't worry, the robot overlords haven't been created yet, that's YEARS in the future, the Earth needs to build up enough backfill-orders of lava first. and when the time comes I will be there to save the world. Terminator robots just need love, they're self-conscious cos they're so skinny.
Bourdain lying down on a psychiatrist's couch: spoilers: no happy ending. this ends badly for me. there's no good ending. i end up just another dead duck. i'm not the Roadrunner. i'm Wile E. Coyote falling down a long chasm to an angel-halo cloud of dust FOR REAL.
Morgan Neville: hi, the director here. "Roadrunner" comes from Anthony's favorite song. by that hippie band, right?
Bourdain: um, that was not my favorite song. my favorite song is Pink Floyd's Ukraine song...
Morgan Neville: i mean it's weird for me. here we have this LEGEND Anthony Bourdain, this GIANT of pop culture, masculinity, and wit, and here's little ole ME to pick up the pieces. i have to dissect this man's life, why he did it, and offer it up to the masses like it's my term paper from Brown on my way to catch the bus cos my professor stole my bike. imagine Joan Rivers being Mother Teresa's biographer.
Joan Rivers: i wish i could have been my daughter Melissa's biographer. my daughter's historian. i wish i could have known her better but she ran off to join a cult.
Melissa: i joined a Wives reality show on Bravo.
Gilbert Gottfried: i am the foremost George Washington historian.
Chris Rock: i am the foremost Muhammad Ali historian.
Bourdain: one loose carrot...
Bugs Bunny: don't talk about my dick like that, man. i'll wallop you so hard you'll turn to drugs, it'll be Duck Season for you for all eternity. and we're not talking about a little Vanquish before rush hour.
Bourdain: one miel de provence...
Jacques Pepin: OUI OUI OUI!!! now we're talking!
Bourdain: it sounds like a casserole or something, but it's honey.
Winnie the Pooh at the corner: if you don't have the drug money you're gonna need to strip off your bottoms for me.
Laertus: this is it. this is the moment of truth in his shaggy grey New York City apartment, writing on his heavy large computer every morning while his wife is...
Eye: an ordinary housewife? hardly. no that first wife kept him together before he went Hollywood. she saw his anonymous druggie days.
Laertus: this is your ONE chance, Anthony!!! to get out while you still can!!! you're writing Kitchen Confidential. if only one of your friend's wives hadn't worked for a publishing house.
Dirg: a publisher's secretary?...
Eye: isn't it strange how there were cameras filming you in your shacky grey rent-controlled fern-filled apartment before you were famous? why were there cameras there? are these home movies? who's filming you?
Bourdain: God.
Bourdain: i'm Sid.
first wife: and i'm Nancy. but i don't want us to be famous. your fame is what divorced us. i've known you longer than your own mother. if you had remained another line-cook at a failing restaurant you would have gone into rehab and be alive today, sucking a vanilla ice-cream-cone at a bike rack. being in the First Wives Club sucks, we're always the ones who get forgotten. btw, don't let a woman destroy you. breakups are normal and natural and aplenty in life, there are plenty other fish in the sea, i know, i've seen you grill fish at the restaurant at home.
Laertus's dad: can i just say seeing Bourdain riding that motor-scooter is heavenly! that's all i would need in life, riding a motorbike down a busy metropolitan avenue in cargo shorts, no sunglasses so i could view Manhattanhenge with naked eyes. that's true freedom right there.
Takahashi: i love how the ONLY TIME Bourdain was uncomfortable in front of the camera was his FIRST trip to Japan in that first episode of the Cook show. you should get that episode on VHS cos it's a collector's item!!! the only time Bourdain was awkward and reserved and threatening to quit show business!!!
Bourdain: i mean that was lame, they show me sad in my room in Japan watching tv alone with my blue glow like some anime protagonist. this in an effort to show how SHY i really was...
Bourdain: i perked up when i decided to do the episodes MY WAY. i started narrating the things MYSELF, i TALKED my own WRITING. yeah it turns out i'm a great writer, a great storyteller, i ain't no tv chef!!!
producers: we did make it hard for Tony on the road. cos we were married and he wasn't.
Bourdain: FUCK NO! i'm stopping this in the bud RIGHT HERE!!! i'm not gonna just eat disgusting gross food from all over the world!!! i LOVE the world i don't HATE the world!!! i'm not gonna eat an octopus's anus for ratings!!! this ain't Fear Factor!!! unlike Bill Maher i will NEVER go on Joe Rogan's show. if i swallow this cobra egg do i become G.I. Joe, do i become a real American hero or the one every boy dreams about and fails to be as a man despite their shows?
Bourdain: shit. you try to do good in the world and it backfires. here i am with all this American money, flush with network cash, i give it to these poor people to feed them and the line turns into a melee with cutlass knives and boy soldiers. money can't cure problems. these are the times i wish i wasn't American...
Laertus's dad: Anthony Bourdain and i ARE THE SAME PERSON. we feel the same feels. think the same thoughts. Anthony lived inside his own imagination, he viewed life through the prism of all the movies and tv shows he'd watched. he thought real life out there was a pirate adventure a la The Crimson Pirate.
Dirg: was that the first Communist?
Bourdain: would real life be a movie or the horrors of Beirut? dunno but that's why i never smiled on camera. my head was always in my mind. and why the fuck are we suntanning instead of joining the People's Army and trying on anime fatigues?
James Caan: right? skin cancer is your future, you people of privilege. i never wanted to be a mob boss who never got his hands dirty. that's why i used my hands to shuffle cards.
Bourdain: all of my friends were famous artists. cos these were the only people who would talk to me, is that my fault? friends are friends at the end of the day. i gleaned off their wisdom, i learned from them all. like the lead singer of that band who was in that terrorist attack in Paris. a victim of it not its mastermind.
ginger guitarist and lead singer: fuck. we were gonna grow old together and have our daughters play at the beach together. in Cabo. cos we gotta get away from the press. that's the thing about life:
when you're home, you get the itch to get away. when you're on the road, all you want to do is come home. so what is home?
Iggy Pop: Tony, you are loved.
Bourdain: yes but am i loveable?
Bourdain: i was penpals my whole life with another musician, a beautiful blonde woman who was in a girl band, brilliant lyricist and songwriter, guitarist and singer, whom i never made a pass at, i SWEAR.
blonde: and i was kinda insulted. but we talked about life in our letters.
Bourdain: and you used those letters for your song lyrics but i ain't mad atcha i would've done the same.
blonde: Vanishing Point, what a movie!!!
Bourdain: the confusing headtrip of an ending. what did it all mean? that completely-buck-naked girl riding the motorcycle got me into Existentialism, not Sartre, Sartre looked like a golf-footbridge troll.
Bourdain: and the other friends. i only had Asian friends, the chef and the abstract painter who was kind enough to paint my likeness in the Victorian style with my jeans on.
Asian painter: before i continue know that i am a sex addict. addicted to you. it was lame of you to go out in a blaze of glory like that. but of course once you do it, concepts of lameness go out the window. i miss you so much, i wish you were here and i wasn't crying about you. i'm gonna go outside and deface your mural on that wall over there cos you would have BEGGED me to graffiti your face into oblivion!!!
Bourdain: thank you for doing that. only suicides get murals. but Kurt Cobain does deserve a bench to sit down on after 18 hours on your feet in a hot kitchen.
Bourdain to his Asian-chef friend: i'm sorry i called you a bad dad. i was projecting. you are a bulk-hulk of a load with a shaved head, you scare me. what are you, 300 pounds? were you a Sumo wrestler before? you could kick my ass with the tear i caused to fall from your pretty eyelids. i am sorry. i was a big jerk in life. i couldn't solve my own problems and blamed others.
friend: apology accepted. and that wasn't your favorite song. that's just heroin music.
Bourdain: we shall go pearldiving in Heaven together someday.
Bourdain: why do books need to be on lists? art isn't a competition. Oprah was a queen but Dr. Phil kept asking me to catch Texas crabs with him.
Bourdain on the psychiatrist's couch: why do i seek the counsel of Italian women? my shrink is an Italian woman. my second wife is an Italian woman. and then Asia...
Freud: maybe you like strong women?
Bourdain's mom: he was the LAST person i ever thought would do such a thing. was it to spite me?
Italian lady psychiatrist: i'm too hot for this field, i should be a model. so you've NEVER been happy?
Bourdain: no. i want to strangle people sometimes.
Italian: you're projecting. you want to strangle yourself.
last bearded monk friend: i can't believe i was the last person to do an episode with Tony and we boiled an egg. what is this, Easter?!!! you want answers? or is this a tabloid? it doesn't make sense, he was the ULTIMATE storyteller and he doesn't even leave a note?!!!
director: i wanted him to do a reboot of Storybook International. he was at the perfect red quaint place to do it...
monk: oh great sure i'll just carve him a wood lute in my spare time.
Bourdain: this is the beginning of the end, folks. this is where i meet Asia Argento.
Bourdain: Argento? like the cheese? well you are cheesy with all the tattoos and everything.
Asia Argento: you're one to talk. think of fate bringing us together, this could've easily been Stanley Tucci doing an episode at my Italian village.
Bourdain: this old oil painting of a rape victim slicing the head off her rapist is exhilaratingly provocatively justified. and i like it cos it's done in the Italian Neo-Classical style, you know? it's not Cubist or anything. is that head supposed to be John the Baptist?
Bourdain: Harvey Weinstein is scum, he's FINALLY getting what's coming to him, he's gonna get taken down on a global stage, he can't hide anymore behind his desk. it's true he offered me Shakespeare In Love but that's all in the past. i have the perfect voice for Shakespeare...
Dirg: didn't you try to pay hush money to Asia's accuser?
Bourdain: yeah looking back i stuck my turkey-neck out for this woman for nothing.
Bourdain: yeah looking back i stuck my turkey-neck out for this woman for nothing.
Asia Argento: so are you really in this with me? in it for the long haul? a forever soldier for the cause?
Bourdain: absolutely!!! i switched addictions, before it was street drugs, then it was the culinary arts, then it was tv fame, now it's Me Too.
Bourdain: we're here in Asia.........pronounced AH-GEE-AH.........whoops, Freudian slip i meant Asia.
Bourdain's crew: Tony! this is a travesty! you're having your girlfriend direct this episode?!!! you're cutting takes of scenes to get the "line" right and the lighting? you're blocking the scene? this is a DOCUMENTARY, realism, pal, realism. a heartfelt confession by a victim occurs but once in a lifetime, the camera better be there to capture it without incident, like a fly on the wall, without butting in the way.
Bourdain: fine. but Roadrunner itself isn't a documentary, it uses my robot voice.
both directors: ouch.
Bourdain: it was all there on my Instagram.
Michael Weiss on a boat: ...
Bourdain: my last Instagram post is that Charles Bronson revenge film where he goes crazy after his love spurns him. all over a woman. parallels? i'm just glad my last-ever post was a movie, that's how it should be when encapsulating my life.
Bourdain: i can't believe i hanged myself at a red European house that looks like the front of a Swiss Miss hot-cocoa packet.
Eric Ripert: i just want to remember the good times. i don't talk about the pain, i cry inside in French in private.
Bourdain: it remains a mystery why i took my own life. nobody knows, not even me. mentally-sound people don't just kill themselves on a whim, right? was it an impulsive act after finding out Asia cheated on me? all that devotion down the drain. undiagnosed schizophrenia? was it because i was still a drug addict who never REALLY got cured? it finally caught up with me? if there's a speedball in the center of the talk-therapy circle, that won't cut it. and i loved to talk. so much childhood trauma i never unpacked, never processed. looking at these waves crashing against my hometown beach i don't remember why i was so angry. but i was an Angry Young Man. maybe i should have been a surfer instead...
Laertus's dad: i know how Anthony felt. there's a point everyone reaches where they just go, "i can't do this anymore..."
producer, sobbing: he won't be defined by his final heartbreaking act. and for fuck sake don't use his voice in the Google Year-End ad without his permission!!!
Bourdain: if this were a true travelogue, not a cooking show, you wouldn't see my face, you'd just see the sights. the narrator would be omniscient like a god. that's a good place to be.
Ebert: this sucked. the robot voice taints it as a documentary. and it never answers the central question,
Why He'd Do It?
Ebert: and even if it did, would that be satisfactory? would that change things? make his family and friends feel better? is it better if it's knowable or unknowable? think about it.
Bourdain: g'night. and have a pleasant tomorrow.
the cat familiars are removing 5 ants each from each other's fur.
Greykid: i was taking out the trash on a windy night last night and the rustling of the night trees startled the fuck out of me, i thought the raccoon had come back.
Mlem and Blep: so what happened?
Greykid: it was just a screeching feathery spike-horned golden owl its tongue slithering out of its gaping maw of a beak at me an inch from my face spitting at me with its dead eyes, no big.
Butt: we were worried about you. you're on the second storey and hanging by a thread, your body is in a precarious position, your bed can't save you.
me: as long as it's just a thread i'll be fine.
Butt: hit me up if you need the job done right.
me: what do you mean?
Butt: i'm the foreman. the foreman of the roof-workers. boss of the builders.
me: oh, now i get it. okay, i'll call you on a landline sometime.
me: i figured it out. i'm not in charge. i'm not in command of my own life, i'm simply a passenger on the train of fate. whatever is gonna happen to me will happen to me NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR TRY TO DO. i mean if i was destined to be alone, written in the stars before i was born, NOTHING I DO will matter, nothing i do will change that. it's all been blocked beforehand. so what's the point of it all? what's the point of struggling? of searching?
Bourdain: i searched endlessly. but i never realized that i was never meant to find the answer to my search. because once you find the answer, what then? how can the search be over but you're still alive? end but you're still here? what are you supposed to do AFTER?...
Bono at Joshua Tree: ...
me: the universe is cruel. just as i was making inroads with Trooke Bantor her dear friend dies suddenly and unexpectedly and she leaves a Joan Didion quote on the finality of death and grieving and funerals on her Instagram, and all that momentum dries up and i'm forgotten again. only i can save my own soul. so i figure: i might as well just do what i want and forget about pleasing others.
the next morning i wake early, SO EARLY i'm up before the monks doing Vespers. i take the train but Jen isn't in my traincar, it's just Jimmy Kimmel and Batman with me.
me: where's a real superhero when you need one? where's Liam Neeson?
i take the train all the way to Chatsworth. i'm gonna live my dream. i'm gonna be a porn star.
