Pat: i look around......the neighborhood, the market town...the rough areas, the Shoreditches of the world, where i grew up...and i can't but feel a sense of immense pride. not in being English. but in being me in England. this is where i'm from...
Galivant: i look around...what?...
Pat: i look around...mom. i sneak around all these corners with my one good eye and recognize all these places. all the Trafalgar triangles in the white cabins, the cobblestone on the siding, the chickenstoop silver on the cowbell ringing the church in. look! over there!
Galivant: where?
Pat: that sliver of an apartment in the corner. see the tiny aperture of a window by the stoop stairs? see the pumpkin through it? it's CARVED!
Galivant: of what?
Pat: doesn't matter. it's carved so it's Halloween. i've always wondered whether Halloween is celebrated in Britain. i always had a fuzzy image of Brits celebrating Halloween but thought it could have been fog-induced haze from the ceremonial steam coming out of the urns of daily Druids. i'm still not sure...
Pat: i do have one vivid memory. of Mini dressed as Marilyn Monroe, the iconic white dress.
Galivant: whore dress? so i guess that was Mini doing Halloween then?
the train goes by at a leisurely pace, as if walking, crisscrossing, the track cuts right down the center of the town, the tracks are the Main Street.
Pat: and over there...that's where i fucked Mini for the first time...she was wearing a Marilyn Monroe white dress...
Galivant: where exactly?
Pat: see that last train car? the caboose?...
Galivant: the one filled with hay, right...
Roger Federer: i did NOT steal money! or Swiss gold. i earned all my money fairly. by busting my butt out on that tennis court for what seems like forever, longer than Pete Sampras has been alive. i know the general public thinks tennis isn't a real sport, but......i NEVER cheated the fans! that would be cheating myself. and i couldn't live with that. okay so there was this one time. not money manipulation per se, not bet-fixing as such. but it was something. i filled all the Lindt chocolate balls i get free wrapped in wrappers there are too many of those silver wrappers all around my apartment i slipped on a pile of wrappers and balls and broke my knee permanently. Nadal was coming to town, this is MY town mind you, I HAD TO WIN. so i filled HIS Lindt chocolate ball with our world-famous Swiss fondue cheese instead, piping hot, melty, so as to burn Nadal's tongue so he would disqualify and i would finally win the Olympics...
Dirg gets Takahashi Vuori pants for Christmas...
Dirg: only the finest Italian leather Italian tailor Italian athleisure for my best friend well friend...
Celine: don't involve me in this...
Dirg: the softest fabric for men found on Earth or Mars...
Mardith: it's a new adventure everytime cleaning up after Dirg...all his caked-on crusted-over dirty dishes...
Madame Pons: girl you aren't doing anything dangerous to your body simply to please a man, right? we talked about this...
Mardith: i'm going on a water cleanse. water diet, water fast, gonna just drink water for a whole day to kickstart my body, energize it, clean it out and purify it...
Pons: that won't make you skinny, sis, that'll just make you hungry. and your body will go into shock.
Mardith: but it is a cleanse. this last week all i've drunk is Mountain Dew instead of Coke, it's lighter than Coke on the body...
Takahashi: good girl.
Pons: as long as you eat one waffle every hour. because what goes with waffles? milk, healthy. stay alive, Mard, i've got big plans for us next semester. i'm thinking we room together like sisters somewhere in the middle of the city but cottagecore like we're out in the countryside with no water or mail...
Dirg: Laertus, i got you Holiday Nut Crunch for Christmas...
Laertus: uh......thanks...not much to this, is it? the only difference is the cranberries...
Dirg: i heard Dolores used to love cranberries. Aussie Rachel? Aussie is her real first name. how's the script coming along, Lae?
Laertus: i need a covid wrangler or we can't shoot...
Dirg: lame.
Eye Luggage: *whispering to Laertus* that's not lame. you're fine, babe, you're fine.
Dirg: is there a Banquet on a Bun around here?
Takahashi: just the McRib.
Dirg: i'll pass on the McRib this year.
Takahashi: is there something wrong with your head? did Santa drop you on your head and your elf hat wasn't pointy enough to cushion the fall?
Dirg: no it's just i don't eat a McRib without also eating a Holiday Pie...
the crones take this opportunity to visit Pat in Europe, near the Home Country.
Gladyce: always up for a little holiday, dear.
Doryce: yeah but The Rough Bounds? i thought it would be a Druid thing, i always wanted to know what was under those robes. World's Strongest Man competition lifting those pointy rocks...
Gladyce: so turns out it was a Disney Bound thing but whatever...it's been a rough year for amusement parks...
Gladyce: the new liquid handsoap at our motel is like clear light maple syrup...
Codrus: just cos you have a blog don't make you a god. don't make you suddenly 10 times smarter about life cos you can type...
Michael Weiss in a Santa hat: everyone on Instagram has a private account with 3000 followers where there's a link to their movie they made which will "finally expose the truth":
it's gonna be the most important film that will determine the trajectory of the human race for the rest of its future...
Michael Weiss in an elf hat: only follow quality people on Instagram, only get mensch mentions...
Rebekie Bennington is on standby if there's any shortage of ink either for comic books or tattoos...
Rebekie: i know what Chester's next tattoo was gonna be...a dusty-ass cheetah...
Jim Cantore has a big-boy big-box fine-suit store in town that doesn't sell ties, and only shirts with no top button...
Jim Cantore: i am so exhausted with my life. constant traveling. where can i go to rest my big bald head on tits and get some thundersleep?...
Mardith: i post stuff and images on my Instagram to bait my crush into posting a comment...
Madame Pons: no, babe, your Instagram is for YOUR art...YOUR pleasure...
Takahashi: the signs and the buildings and the facades may change, but you'll always remember the roads...
Nan Wilkinson quaffs from a kop at the bar...
Doryce: i hate eating fast food! the strings of the burger get caught on my teeth!...
Takahashi: Dirg, give Doryce your McRib, no strings, just meat...
Dr. Vacc at the In N Out drivethru: there's a chip in the first vaccine dose to track you to remind you to get the second dose...
Dirg: i asked for fries not chips...
Takahashi at the garage:
Takahashi: i'm thinking of joining either Wikipedia or Jalopnik, what do you think?
Hilary Bettis in response breaks her nail fixing the brakepad without a helmet, breaks her pen but gets a quill instead. writing about it gets a quill for the top of the pen and marches on...
Teuila Blakely: last chance to make fun of my name...
Dr. K: *drinking tequila* you can't recapture the glory years of the past...
Milo Cawthorne: *drinking tequila* preach, sister...
Dirg: i knew that black bald dude was from RPM!...
girl tech: it was sweet how this whole show ended. if only the whole show had been like the last five minutes. the black dude Red Ranger leader pulls a JoJo at the end there and becomes king on his throne while still young! and replaces his dad with the RPM dude! thought for a smidge sec the Japanese counterparts to our characters had taken over the show! it's bad enough being an actor on Power Rangers, imagine being an actor playing an actor on Power Rangers......it was sweet that Steel got to Pinocchio himself and be a real boy...but that's the thing, we knew he'd be human, but did anyone anticipate he'd actually be a BOY and not a MAN!? i mean did this boy do Steel's voice the whole time!?...if so, i want to date him when he gets older...is it really that great to be human?...
Vice President Mike Pence: *on camera* this looks too much like a Death Row walk...
Takahashi: the Fox Animation cartoons, none of them have characters who are wearing masks...
Dirg: Anna Stewart looks like Sarah Michelle Gellar...
Eye Luggage: oh yeah, well Sharon Darling looks like Nancy Grace...
Dirg: that bitch can fly on speed!...
Gladyce: the best part of Wolfgang Puck's chicken noodle soup is the chicken cream that rises to the top...
Doryce: his stuff is puckerific. puckers my lips wide open...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Galivant: Pat, dunk your head into the Fountain......don't come up till you see the fish animating underwater...
Tyzik: hey guys, i've been dating Marcelle Karp...not really but i really admire her cos she's way out of my league...
Marcelle Karp joins in on the search for Don Knotts-fish. she wears a black pussyhat with a Ruth Bader Ginsburg button pinned to the felt as her scuba gear...
Eye Luggage: Risky Business and go...
Laertus: first of all...this is not what i expected...i didn't expect it to be about hookers...i thought the risky business in this case was what all '80s movies of this kind of this ilk at this time were about: yuppies making as much money as possible on Wall Street, the key to '80s happiness...
Dirg: no amount is too obscene. we're going through the ENTIRE Tom Cruise film catalogue...
Eye: or about football or something...
Laertus: and once again, this script is miles ahead of the rest. this film has been called underrated and i agree. it presents an intelligent teen sex comedy. it's about longing, the inadequacy of not living up to your parents' vision of you. the pressure on teenagers to succeed when all they want to do is have fun. this was the breakout role for young Mr. Cruise, the one that named him, say his name...
Dirg: Tom Cruise is an Everyman if i ever saw one...
Eye: this was so interesting to me. i went into this knowing of course the "Old Time Rock N Roll" scene, but it turns out that scene isn't the most memorable of the film, in fact it's quickly forgotten, the REAL MUSIC of this film is the FANTASTIC electronica score by Tangerine Dream! dreamy indeed! that's what stays with me with this film, the music, the music ELEVATES the material to the nth degree!
Laertus: real music for real love on real trains...
Dirg: old time rock n roll is dead nowadays, thanks to SNL not educating our youth about country music...
Madame Pons: agreed, the music here is superb, Tangerine Dream invented V A P O R W A V E, not the other way around, and tangerines are healthy for you. the soundtrack is out-of-this-world, spacey...
Mardith: Roald Dahl eat your heart out!!!.........cos you know James and the Giant Peach...i'm hungry...
Laertus: unfortunately we still have the transphobic scene in this, too. sadly of the times. this was still the Crocodile Dundee days.
Dirg: i was surprised at the boldness, the audacity of that bathroom writing on the wall. i paused at those scenes to read them, all the stalls. there's a tits, there's a cum...
Dirg: there's a whacking off when the boys are discussing their bikes like that gang from E.T.....
Dirg: Bronson Pinchot! speaking REGULAR AMERICAN! regular English! audiences were AGHAST HORRIFIED when they later saw this same Pinchot all-american rough rugged Bronson bull cowboy speaking in an upsetting strange foreigner accent...
Laertus: Curtis Armstrong, this is his finest role to date. he never really got bigger than he did here. his life advice is on point: fuck it. then he did that Dan cartoon which was good but unfortunately The Hub network went flat and under and he never recovered from that. the cartoon got unceremoniously unfairly dropped and canceled and he's been ranting about that ever since on twitter...
Dirg: at least ol' Tom was wearing a faceshield way before Dr. Vacc knew before the world about covid. see? he's justified in his outrage.
Laertus: okay i just have to get this off my chest: the scene with Raphael Sbarge...
Dirg: i always think of a garbage man in his truck...
Laertus: ...with that redheaded girl. there's just something about that girl, her face is sweet and innocent and young and inexperienced. her curveless thin body has no gymnastics in it, it's fragile and untouched. she wears her hair short and tomboy. you can tell she's a virgin and this is gonna be the first time with a stud in Tom Cruise's upstairs bedroom. when she sits on that big dick for the first time, her particular MOAN is the hottest sex moan i've ever heard! i've thought about it for days, forever......the fact that it's not shown just entices the scene and my senses more...entices my imagination...
Eye: wow Laertus, i've never seen you like this! it gets me hot. i'm sure this girl is of age now, want me to make a call and see if she's up for a threesome?...
Eye: i'd dye my hair red but there are no ginger goths who are respected...
Laertus: it's just that excitement, the giddy excitement of one's first time, you know? sex is never the same after that, it's not quite as brimming with delightful decadent desire and mysterious manipulation of mind and body...
Eye: Rebecca De Mornay is perfect for this, she has that chemistry with Tom that you can't teach in any school or acting school, it's there bristling on the screen, can't fake it, you're naked up there on the screen. Joe Pantoliano, Joey Pants, on the other hand or maybe leg doesn't have it, his role here is so forced, the whole time he's ACTING like a tough guy rather than BEING one. he didn't have a large role in The Sopranos, right? would have weighed it down.
Dirg: the dream is always the same.........that naked girl in the steam shower at the beginning of the film? that was her FIRST role in Hollywood! talk about being thrown in the water to sink or swim!...the shower water...
Eye Luggage: you know when you think about it, most teenage boys who lose their virginity early have brothers...cos otherwise there would be no babysitters there in the house...
Laertus: nice technique at the airport...the camera goes into POV mode for no known reason, looks like i'm playing an FPS...
Dirg: don't shoot you parents; it's just a game!...
Menendez: no it's not...
.
Tyzik: hey! it's the same white two-level two-storey Connecticut Colonial slatted townhouse mansion from Lucas!!!
Takahashi: ah, the equalizer, that lost audio box of art...
Laertus: that clock scene was very Ingmar Bergman. where's my mace? ha! mace was so '80s, joggers in Central Park and stuff...
Takahashi: hate seeing that cherry classic car in the water like that
Pons: like a crazy dieter...
Takahashi: but now that the car is in the drink it can serve as a submarine in the search for Don Knotts...
Eye: Rebecca as Lana is smarter than she lets on, typical with this world having to coddle a man's ego. their first sex is a gauzy scene straight out of a Working Girl vacuum. but every hooker has a history of abuse that tragically slows her inevitable rise to be the First Woman President. she could have gone to school when she tells boy Tom to go to school. i mean she already invented The Girlfriend Experience before it had a name! btw, any high school experiences like this where you actually make friends with the hooker? taking the hooker to prom sure but friends?
Pat wearily raises his hand...
Pat: it happened at my school, which is why it happened to me at Princeton. i do love the end scene in the backyard with the father genuinely proud of his son for getting into Princeton. that was a giddy hug i missed with my own dad...
Dirg: he's a Princeton recruiter...but he's a man, amirite?...
Diane Neal slowly raises her hand...
Laertus: love the long drawn-out-for-feeling dialogueless scene where Tom runs into the arms of a hugging Rebecca and they both close-eye hug. that apartment is so Spencer Tracy. that scene is so noir...
Dirg: Dick Tracy. our boy Tom has grown up from being a kept boy...
Eye: okay the train scene, it's very sexy, very sensual, very long and drawn-out. the lack of dialogue adds to the enticement. and remember, they both keep their clothes on! and it's erotic as hell!
Dirg: yeah i know i know, the train is the penis and the open-faced train stations are the vulvas...
Zalman King takes Dirg out back to a night alley and slaps him and talks to him about things...
Dirg: it's just...it's cheesy to start, right?....they SUDDENLY introduce that Tom has been doing toy model trains his whole life in his garage? like some Tim & Eric dweeb character?...
Laertus: don't be jealous, Dirg...
Dirg: Rebecca De Moaning...
Laertus: this film reminded me of a few things, a few images popped into my head: something about Babysitter and Chicago buildings at night...oh and when i see that train-sex scene i switch and think it's Michael J. Fox's wife on top of Michael J. Fox in Bright Lights, Big City...
Dirg: back when Michael J. Fox could talk...
Eye: *to Laertus* dear instead of that movie watch City Lights instead...
Leartus: this is how it goes down:
Tom: want to use this Van Nuys train station? it has a Kraken on its roof...
Rebecca: Franklin Village in Los Angeles is enticing, but making love on a real train is better...
Rebecca on top of Tom starts grinding on him gymnastically spreading herself apart line-driving herself like a wad of taffy into a stiff board...
Tom: that's good, that's good, keep your face six feet apart from me...
Eye: they should rename Los Angeles Las Estrellas...
Dirg: if that ain't a clip for the Olympics i don't know what is...
Dirg: okay okay, but at the end, the credits end-theme, it was good but "Time Of Your Life" the Dirty Dancing song could have fit in quite nicely there...
Dirg: this was not a brick. no L on that train...
Trent Reznor: the Porsche scene, "big man with a gun!", yeah, that's where i got it from......g'night, folks...
Terry Bradley is drinking a can of Diamond White with Liam Neeson at Shankill Road by the Fountain...
Terry: yep yep yep...
Steven Universe tugs at Terry's smock...
Steven: can i have some? it's cider, right?...
Liam: Diamond White, the British White Claw...
Terry: you know if it wasn't for my mum i would have been killed right here on these ye streets. The Troubles...
Liam: yeah sorry for almost killing you. your mum was a glorious fuck...she was on skis when i did her...
Galivant: all this history wasn't a sham...
Galivant: did you find what you were looking for, son?...
Pat tugs at Liam's turtleneck...
Pat: mate i mean mister, you celebrate Halloween around here?...
Liam Neeson takes his cosh and uses it as a paintbrush. he paints a scary face on Billy Corgan's bald head...
Billy Corgan: Christmas is my favorite holiday...
Liam Neeson then takes the heavy pumpkin out of Pat's heavy hand and with his cosh paints a scary face on it...
