the Orchid Girls and Femestella have a street war...
Natalie Palamides flies not horse-rides onto the Dexter set:
Natalie: not for surveillance, to make that lumberjack ending better...
...but Doryce calms down tensions as only she can...
Doryce: ladies ladies, why fight amongst yourselves? that's what the men want! to destroy our kind from the inside! we have too much power within for that! here, i don't serve the bacon two strips, i combine them, melt them, meld them with my spellfinger into a bacon crown...
she gives one crown to both sides...that holds them over for now...
Cotard's black woman friend: without wikipedia the world would cease to exist...
Mardith: i don't know what i'm doing, my career is not taking off...
Madame Pons: you need an agent, dear, you can't conquer Hollywood alone...
Cotard: you know how frustrating it is when you're starving of thirst and you want to drink the sparkling apple cider SO BADLY but you can't find the god-damn bottle opener anywhere!!?
Cecily Strong: i can actually celebrate Christmas this year for the first time in four years!!!...
Codrus: Chloe Fineman is fine! she's hot as fuck and talented as fuck!...
Dirg: suddenly every 12-year-old boy wants to do his version of Weekend Update on youtube...
Michael Weiss carrying a miniature Geoffrey the Giraffe plush on his shoulder: is there ANYBODY on Instagram who's real? or are they all bots?...
Gladyce: Doryce dear, after Mardith showers, don't pick up all the long loose strand hairs that squiggle and wiggle in all the tile cracks with endless tissues! that just wastes tissue! pick them up with your hand...
Gladyce: dear get out of the bathroom and into my kitchen!
Doryce: how manly of you! i thought you'd never ask. want me in the nude dripping or dry?...
Gladyce: help me here, dear. i microwaved the butter so long it disappeared into the bowl!!!...
Laurel Mellin constructs the first cyberbrain...
Teuila: the reason we brought back Venjix is obvious. he was the villain of RPM, the greatest Rangers show there will ever be...
Dirg: look, i'll give you one thing: Scrozzle is a GREAT character...
Teuila: what was Milo Cawthorne's reaction to this episode?
Dr. K: he said he enjoyed my performance, but i know he's lying...
Dr. Vacc: can i have your autograph, Dr. K? i'm stuck in queue at the airport in the UK...
Takahashi: the McDonald's UK Christmas commercials are WAY BETTER than the John Lewis ones...
Wolf: what did you find up there?
SpaceX: in space? The Astronauts...that Nickelodeon show...
Dirg: Malu Micher, the woman Mexican mousey politician who went topless on zoom...malu means shame, jus sayin...
Laertus: woman or Mexican, which do you find more offensive?...
Alice Little sits in a huge smoking-den Master's chair with holes stapled by buttons...
at Homey Airport, a clown with a rubber-chicken baton used to strike people in case anything happens squats behind a bush...
Homey D. Clown: you know they're gonna come after us first...
Mulder to Bump: sir, let me handle this...
Gabe Kaplan gives up the poker after going broke and picks up a mic to sing the blues. his good friend Stephen King takes up drumming cos he can't scare himself anymore. together they re-form the band Toto...
Boc: it's not a watering until the bluebirds land on your yard, perch on your crabapple tree growing in the centre of your lawn tennis court, and start chirping and hoopin and hollerin for their friends to come join.
Mordecai: thanks. come on, Rigby...
Steven Universe: MOLDAVITE!!! finally a new Crystal Gem!...
Ricky Martin: reminds me of bbq beef and churros...
Alison Lurie: *alluringly* i look like Sylvia Plath.........but i survived...
Michael Weiss in a toupee: the weirdest thing i do on Instagram is always wishing a complete stranger's kid happy birthday...
Rubikon: i've become a lifetime member of Lipstick Alley...
Laertus: Joy Harjo. the only poet i listen to, especially at Thunderbird Bookshop. the only poet i enrapture on, swim with, swim inside. the original American, the Native American, the Native Indian. the first one, the only one......she's 69 years old, Dirg!...
Dirg: i stole Spider Robinson's cowboy hat...
Takahashi: were you there stalking him at least to revive Da Vinci's Inquest?...do something useful next time...
Prabal Gurung: my keys to success? studying probability hard in college, where i binged ALL the Gurren Lagann episodes while everybody else was out partying, and wearing nothing but white T-shirts...
Biden: the last line of defense in this country is the Post Office......with trillions of rubberbands at their disposal, we're going to amass the biggest Slingshot Army of all time...
Mardith and Madame Pons are outside the Starbucks on a circular fleur-de-lis cafe table chowing down on their doubledecker sandwiches messily, the camera makes it a point to point at their fingers and mouths as they eat, talk with their mouths full, chew noisily, and enjoy the fuck out of their meal. their fingers are covered in Thousand Island dressing which they suck off each other's fingers...
Mardith: not for a man's gazeful pleasure...
Madame Pons: but cos women eat food, too...
the Thousand Island drips off the rim onto the asphalt of the street, where a pigeon and seagull duel for the dollop with their beaks...
Mardith: the couple that can film each other mid-bite while eating stays together...
Madame Pons: there's a crisis of single moms out there!!! the bloke fucks the bird then gets bored of her and he leaves her with the youths!!!
Mardith: youth mouths need to be fed!!!, she's the one who does it!!!...
Cotard: Ten Monasteries system...gozan...if only i could sing...
Doryce: i ended the war.........cos my two bacon strips came out a heart...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: all that's left of Toys R Us now is a Pink Floyd barren brick white wall...
Eye: The Incredible Mr. Limpet and go...
Laertus: okay first of all.........the sequel will be Limpet II: The Incredible Hulk Fish...
Dirg: okay first of all......i mean how did this thing get a G rating?!!! this film displays the Nazi swastika uncensored with no problem. and there's an INCREDIBLE amount of innuendo between the bluefish and pink fish over fish-fucking...
Takahashi: spawning. the Spawning Grounds, the Spawning Waters. like that second Simpsons episode...
Dirg: "Deep Rapture", come on...
Dirg: anybody wanna see my Old Gregg fanart where he's fucking the Don Knotts-fish's mangina?...
Pat: anybody craving fish after watching this? breaded, lemon-juiced, straight out of the air fryer nice and hot and smoked...
Pat: Today I Learned limpet teeth are the strongest natural substance known to our planet...i miss college...
Eye Luggage: when my mom first saw this as a child with her mommy one lazy Sunday afternoon on one of the three channels, Channel 5, she recounts how the Don Knotts-fish scared the fuck out of her! it was so unnatural and creepy with the droopy eyes and weird ears, fish shouldn't be animated and swim in real water, it's jarring to the senses...she only saw snippets of scenes cos she was hiding her half-face by the slatted doorsill of her bedroom closet watching it, catching only glimpses, a portal here, a Love Boat there...she remembers images but wants to forget...
Laertus: i think Don looks cute as a fish, especially with those glasses on his fish nose, pinching his lips all sore and puffy and kawaii with the pince-nez, those big lips of Don's are perfect on that fish! this was Don's first starring role in a film, he was destined to be the next Charlton Heston without the baggage! a triumph for nerds and aqua geeks everywhere! but we gotta talk about his first lady, the inimitable Carole Cook, this is really HER film.
Dirg: Carole, this was supposed to be her starlet breakout role, she even wore a mink coat to the premiere!, but she was already an old woman when she starred in this, she was a gilf don't get me wrong but...
Laertus: what she said about President Bump, that makes her the coldest soldier fighting on our side ever! this woman has icewater from the ocean in her veins, you need that when you're out on the battlefield...of ideas...
Dirg: look, i can forgive anyone, everyone says crazy shit sometimes, and i can even see her wearing the Morrissey Meat Is Murder war helmet on her little head. but it's hard to give her the benefit of the doubt when she's spent her entire career starring in every Broadway and off-Broadway production of Our American Cousin...
Dirg: why didn't they make a Disneyland ride out of this? with the submarine and portal tv screens and everything. or a musical? there's no MUSICAL of this!!? blasphemy! those are four great songs, four for a 45 record if i ever did see uh hear! do it for Napoleon! do it for Sterling Holloway!
Laertus: this movie seems like a Disney film, doesn't it? it's actually a Looney Tunes film!
Takahashi: i'm pretty sure there's a video game of this tho
Dirg: that explains a lot. the crab character, The Little Mermaid totally ripped that off! this was the first-ever underwater premiere for a film...first use of a gel screen...the submarine was invented at this premiere...there was no smoking from the Hollywood actors and actresses at this thing cos what would be the point? healthiest Hollywood premiere to date...
Dirg: it's a clean fish movie, Don Knotts is a tilefish straight out of the shower...
Laertus: it should have gone down like this:
George Stickle: my hand isn't sticky, it just caught on your wife's apron. look, Henry Limpet, you like nature, right? well it's the law of nature that a skinny dork like you with astigmatism and balance issues who can't dance will never end up with a fox like Bessie with a mink round her neck. it's classic beta vs. alpha comin to steal yo girl. me on the other hand, i dance the charlton, my mind is well-balanced cos i kill in the name of saving the world. i deserve Bessie. i'm sad the test came back positive for you, i really wanted you to die in war so i wouldn't have to have this uncomfortable conversation with you...
Donald Duck: Navy suits only look silly on me...
Dirg: hey at least George was eating pickles for Bessie's sake. empathic pregnancy or whatever it's called. he was eating pickles himself to ape the baby pangs Bessie must have been going through...
Eye: only cos Bessie was patriotic...
Dirg: hey, this film did the whole wacky evolution thing way before Howard The Duck did with man being descended from fish...
Eye: not to mention Sealab 2021, He-Man, and the Klingons, this really is a seminal film...
Laertus: but why did they have to show the Nazis at their table having a meeting? couldn't all of that have remained implied and be more sinister silent? you don't follow the dialogue cos you're distracted by all the Nazi accents...
Dirg: i feel Don, i want to leave this godawful godforsaken world and escape into animalhood. not a furry, okay, being an animal, two completely different mindsets, different lives. i think i should like to be a goat...
Laertus: why you cryin, boy?
Dirg: *large tears* sorry, i just...*wipes large tears on shoulder* i'm seeing this Coney Island scene, ALL THE PEOPLE crowded on the beach maskless!, sigh...
Dirg: I WSH I WISH I WISH I WERE A FISH.........nah he just wanted to learn to swim...
Dirg: the real interview:
George Stickle: why did i join the Navy? to fuck girls from the thousand islands...
Eye: if Don the fish hadn't lost his glasses in the oceanic sea, this would have been a very different film. it's The Penguin all over again...
Aquaman: thrum? if i had had the thrum i would be a squiggly therapist by now...
Dirg: ending scene should have gone down like this:
Bessie: Henry? is that you?
Henry: where the fuck have you been, woman? my pink sidebitch fish girlfriend other wife who's hiding from you thinks you're ugly.
Bessie: your fish lips, Henry, i could never kiss them...
Henry: well you were a dead fish in bed so we're even. i know this polygamy is against the Church but that's a church of man, not fish! George, why didn't you dive in after me to save me? i thought you were big strong man. you left me to drown, you dolt.
George: Gidget wasn't available, Henry...
Dirg: g'night, folks...
Eye Luggage: Sean Connery wanted to be in this but he was forced to do Red October instead...g'night, folks...
Laertus: lesson here? the porpoise of this film? if we lived in a world without names, it would be a utopia...g'night, folks...
Laertus: don't know why the Jim Carrey remake wasn't a go, Jim's face is perfectly suited perfectly rubbery to replace Don's rubbery face.
Dirg: Jim's a scary guy...even still i saw a still of Jim as the fish and that was CREEPY AS FUCK...
Celine: WE NEED THE RICHARD LINKLATER INCREDIBLE MR. LIMPET!!! CASE CLOSED!!!
at the Fountain...the tiny room above the schoolroom rented out by Galivant for her and her "son"...:
Galivant: where have you been, young man! and at all hours of the night! your supper's getting cold...
Pat: i don't want oatmeal for dinner anymore, mum! i hang out with my mates, they're the only ones who understand me.
Galivant: don't tell me you smoke with these hooligans!
Pat: no mum, the skins thing refers to something else.
Galivant: you're just like your father with the pack of cigarettes. you aren't knocking up any birds out there are ye? please tell me ne. you're not, right? especially that blonde slag with the knockers ironically named Mini...
Pat: she's got a good head on her shoulders, mum, a head for business. she's not just mean. if Sid can get his Nancy why can't i?!
Galivant: you need to put YOUR head down and grind and study like a headmaster and get good grades and get into Oxford or Cambridge...
Pat: well shit, not this again. that sounds familiar. looks like it worked, history repeated itself...
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