FREE AIR: PHONK RADIO

 

Santa Claus is fiddling around with the phone calling Inogen.

Santa Claus: just tell me what i need to know, you faggots!!!

Circe enters Santa's house wearing a sarong and flatform shoes.

Santa: oh that is my favorite ensemble on a woman!!! makes a woman look so fucking SEXY.

Circe: any luck?

Santa: yeah i got my backpack of air in the mail this morning, can you help me insert the cannula into my nostrils?

Circe: no i actually think this is a radio. see, you plug the cannula inserts into your ears, they're like air buds.

Santa: omg i can hear PHONK on the radio!!!

Circe: yeah, Matt Pinfield. the knobs on your backpack of air are AM and AM2.

Santa: i'm a new man with this backpack of air in my life. i can go anywhere in town now!!! i need to get some new duds to compete with your threads if we're gonna paint the town red.

Circe: i think i'm a different generation from you, were you asking me out?

Santa: let's go to the mall, i need a WHOLE new wardrobe. 

Circe: yeah, red fluff is out. and itchy.

cats: when you fall asleep, you become just another bed...

church: the only community you got left...

Martin Short: i've had to lean on Meryl Streep more. don't call me Marty ever again.

harass: her ass.

Whitney Cummings: that's it, i got the gig, i'm the new The View co-host. you're back in love with me. i was ON FIRE this week!!!

Judas Iscariot: people confuse me with Lucifer...

blower: a classier way to say phone.

Humphrey Bogart: it's not what you think...

Maria Antonieta Collins: no i'm not fucking the pope. i'm more like his big sis.

Granny Zirconia from Sailor Moon: i'm the real Bloody Mary in the mirror.

Bloody Mary: your future husband will appear behind you in the mirror? well that's a lot nicer than getting a scratch on your cheek!!!

Instagram: hey guys, we're all gonna be single together!!!

RC Cola: you know it's the good stuff when the 12-pack rectangular prism paper carton is all tied together with scotch tape.

Bart Braverman: "How Do I Get from Here to There," that was a Godspell song which has since been lost to antiquity...

the less fortunate: a kind broad way to describe everyone in a halfway house.

Burger King fries: eat them without ketchup, trust me...

me: get off my lawn.

gardener: ...

me: oh, sorry.

friend: unload on me, in a soft voice tell me your problems...

Leslie Sbrocco: i look Jewish but i'm actually Christian...

Meet the Press: the show's not over until the moderator SLAMS her ringfinger on the glass roundtable.

respond in kind: that's not kind.

Puppets Who Kill: it's a Canadian institution.

Santa and Circe are at Millers Outpost in the mall.

Santa PULLS OFF the white security tag on the long short-sleeved shirt and immediately alarms overhead blare, lights on sidewalls flash, and RoboCop comes out from behind the olive-green changing-room curtain shooting lazers at Santa's belly!!!

Circe swoops in to shove Santa out of the way of the lazers.

Santa: what the fuck man, you've taken years off my life, i'm old now!!!

Circe: those things that look like plastic bones are security tags.

Winona Ryder: never rip them off.

Santa: i thought they were candy canes without the red stripe.

RoboCop: *in a robotic voice* halt, criminal. hands off the Hawaiian shirt. hands off the acid-washed ripped jeans.

Circe: i never understood that look for women, jeans with holes in the knees deliberately.

RoboCop: i make the kneeholes with my lazers.

Santa: i know you were just doing your job, you bucket of bolts. i look like you now but i am NOT you. the fright you gave me prolapsed my butthole. 

RoboCop, crying: i am not YOU either, stranger. you get phonk on your radio, i get police...

RoboCop: i can't go to Hawaii, the heat, saltwater, and sand will get in my circuits. 

Circe: sorry about the saltwater thing, that's my doing. can i make it up to you? do you have a penis i can suck?

RoboCop: that's my gun...