PICKED LAST FOR KICKBALL: BE HAPPY, BE GAY

 

17-year-old Charles Nelson Reilly lines his foot up at home plate of the kickball diamond at recess.

when the pitcher pitches the red rubber kickball---on the ground, a little bouncy---Charles kicks it LINE-DRIVE and SMASHES the ball into the pitcher's face.

17-year-old Brett Somers: why'd you do that for?

Charles: he knows what he called me!!!

the male teacher's assistant drags Charles by the ear to the principal's office. 

Charles: that's okay, i like it rough. i watch the boxers, they call that earmuffs. 

on the way 17-year-old Connie Stevens smiles hi and waves at Charles, she's wearing a Scorchy T-shirt in left field.

principal: why'd you do it, Chuck? i see you're wearing your nice grey sweatpants.

Charles: why thank you. i wore them for this very occasion. the cute pitcher's a typical jock who called me a sissy. and you're gonna call me a nancyboy before this meeting is through so YOU should be expelled.

principal: name me one reason why i shouldn't transfer you to the Notre Dame School for Girls this instant.

Charles: i'm smart. you need me. jock jerks are a dime a dozen, my speedo is gold. i glide through the water because i'm bald. remember yesterday when you were sad your wife left you and i was drinking your teacher's-lounge coffee and told you why coffee makes you poo?

principal: i didn't appreciate your graphic description of our bowel muscles but yes.

Buddhist monk: caffeine takes you to the self. LSD takes you away from the self to the oneness of all things...

Aubrey Plaza: in the face of old death, create new life.

Starbuck: so like was i supposed to be Buck Rogers?...

the 20th century: the 1900s? it's too complicated, just start with Year Zero...

the Hare Kroshnma SMLR stocker: ot would Arlie Brown ever drop ICD?

ory 8naonL I think I;d be olayt worry wearing a nose ring.

 Jeff Pssan: if your;e having a and fay look at my WIDE-GRIN SMILE and you'll feel better. in was your neighbor on Gym Street. IJ the ;IPS I p;aged Nontendo Vaeball or you in a Frat or day night when you were leg alone in the hose. Jen out mom's went out wearing pink panties. me, not my dad, tod you about raki idea of the Moon.

James;make; Wu;LD y onesie Rome a tennis legend?...

genie Bicard; ...

El Gordp y La Falca; the woman is taller than the an, that never happens in television.

Carlitos El prpdtcorL and then you have me which emphasizes the point...

Rebecca De krnayL u parking Yraoc pords in  the Lifetime ,movie...

All rods: DU shoes re softer in the toes at the beach...

Ken jenningsL jatohe Rob has you making $70,000 a day> besides McDinakd;s. okay I'm out of touch like Brett Kavanagigh. 

dad; you didn;t sued to e out of touch when you were just a lowly computer programmer like me who's or led at fry;s./ I should have been the Kepatdy champion yi are nowm I knew how to prepare for the Jeparyd test: keep the air ain't you.

soccer players: why on the gjrp photo is the bottom row always bowing down?...

The Terminator: i was drinking barium for my head CT scan...

Siouxsie: goth is beautiful, corpse paint is ugly.

Brett: i wanna be a slut.

Charles: there's no faster way to lose all your inhibitions and morals than going to Hollywood. i'll set you up with my associate, 17-year-old Jack Klugman, he works the corner by the liquor store by my mom's house. he'll get you into all the parties by blowing a bubble.

Brett: let's try this new thing called a carpool.

17-year-old Jack Klugman: stick with me, bessie, i know where to get the ice cream with the brick and the ripple. 

Brett: why are your fingers sticky, random boy?

Jack: i'm allergic to water, as a medical condition. the doctors say i can only have water in and on my body if i put sugar in it...

Charles: Jack Klugman flips Pac-Man arcade quarters all day...