PICKED LAST FOR KICKBALL: LEG KABEDON

 

17-year-old Brett Somers: i wanna be popular. i wanna go to an Afrika Bambaataa discotheque. i wanna drop acid at a Sid Krofft costume party.

17-year-old Charles Nelson Reilly: well do it then, madam!!! i dress up as a cowboy every night, it's not a stretch to go full green and yellow felt alien with orange mop hair.

at a Mr. Bean coffee shop there is no pot smoke yet, there's a 17-year-old Bart Braverman who is flanked by two lovelies: 17-year-old Debralee Scott and 17-year-old Connie Stevens.

Brett: see that guy over there? i got a crush on him.

Charles: he looks like a thugboy.

Brett: exactly his and my allure. 

on the upramp to the coffee shop Brett positions her body by the entrance and without any concern for the general public she extends her leg blocking Bart's way out.

Brett: sorry dude, exercising here.

Bart hands up slowly backs away from Brett.

Bart Braverman: i don't want any trouble, sir.

Bart melts back into his two beauties in a sea of six arms.

Debralee Scott: when does a girl know to wear a bra?

Connie Stevens ogling Debralee's tits: yours are fully ripened, honey, no bra for you ever again...

Brett breaks down and cries.

Charles: were you wearing grey sweatpants?

Brett: the first year of yoga pants, close. see?!!! everyone thinks i'm a a lesbian!!!

Charles: i don't see it that way. you extending your leg like that was ASSERTIVE, you're a STRONG WOMAN, babe!!! that's a good thing. you're gonna break the hearts of so many boys before their time, it's gonna be LUXURIOUS to witness. you're gonna break men before they break you. say it with me, come on, "you were meant to ruin men..."

dad pushes me along in a pinewood derby car around the cobblestone USC campus as the sun is just setting at 5. the pinewood derby car crashes into an upramp and turns into graham crackers.

me: my dream last night.

Jen R: nice.

Nirvana smiley sticker: the Charlie Brown face after listening to Nirvana at the airport...

Barrie Youngfellow: being naked with the right man is WONDERFUL.

Aubrey Plaza: it's tricky being naked with the man who comes after...

the 1930s: the only time you were told to "spread out."

Pope Bob: Trump will be a lame duck soon, i won't. i can say this, i have no fear, i don't back down, i was raised on the mean streets of Chicago...

Steven Horrell: when Steve Bannon failed as a rock star and HAD to join the Navy...

Scottie Pippen: why is everyone so surprised i went gangsta on Mike? i come from the Portland Jailblazers...

Michael Jordan: let's agree to pact so as not to sully the good name of Washed Out.

Ian Curtis reads the list of the newest Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees.

Ian Curtis: Joy Division should go in on their own!!! New Order sucks!!!

Linda Lavin: i have freckles?...

Pat Cranshaw: me as Poopdeck Pappy, perfect casting.

Michael Pollan at the Berkeley College for Psychedelics: i'm Jim Ignatowski in real life...

the Jesus Christ Superstar villains: the 1970s Battlestar Galactica Cylons...

Charles Nelson Reilly: i'm dropping '70s acid right now in the back of my trailer bedroom.........i'm out of it, man, i don't know who i am anymore, i'm losing myself.........i'm gonna get a show called Match Game where i'll judge harshly the looks of the female contestants to see if they have the stuff to be one of my models. i'm gonna use the show to get my corral of models.

Brett: here, i got you this bandana i stole off the set of Rhoda for your head. 

Charles: much nicer than any headscarf you get at a Macy's White Flower Days sale.

Brett: male pattern baldness and you are a bitch.

Brett laughs her signature Brett laugh for the first time.