WAITING IS A FORM OF LOVE: XOXO

 

 

Jen R: you see what i'm saying?

me: not really.

Jen: the waiting isn't the waiting for sex, it's the waiting to be with you at all!!! when a woman WAITS for you, waiting for your situation to change, so she can be your wife, maybe 15 years from now when you get a divorce, or when you finally FEEL ready, well, that waiting is love. the woman was loving you the whole time she was waiting.

me: that is beautiful. will you wait for me?

Jen: no. i'm not patient like that. i can't even wait at the bus stop.

me: oh so that's why you paid off your car.

Jen: no i used my unexpected tax refund this year to buy me my own personal '80s Greyhound bus i keep in my timeshare garage.

me: you drive that thing? on roads familiar to the both of us?

Jen: only when i'm wearing my bus hat. Greyhounds can't ride on highways, they can only ride on city streets...

Monica Pro takes a baguette and strikes Squeaky's stomach with it. 

Monica Pro: I'M GOING ON THIS DATE TONIGHT!!!! i'm reintroducing fun back into my life or i'm gonna die.

Squeaky: Jesus, woman, okay, you've earned it. that hit makes us Star Wars brothers.

Monica: i hit your Safeway stomach because i knew it'd be fat so you wouldn't feel it. it's a lovetap from your boss. i've been under a lot of stress these last months, i had to negotiate the strike settlement all by my fucking SELF. just me. one person, me. i was responsible for 258,000 Safeway jobs in California. 

Squeaky: i derive pleasure in life solely from eating sugar donuts but to each their own. i'm just admiring your tattoos, wow i had no idea...

Monica: oh you like my wrist tats? they're double-arrow road-surface markings.

the band Pavement: ...

Monica: you can see how ready i am to fuck when i remove my workgloves. 

Squeaky: yeah you're like this hot industrial 40-year-old grandma i never noticed before.

Leslie Sbrocco: Monica Pro, i am gonna miss you SO much...

Gladyce from the Treehouse: the only way to clean your big-ass peach-colored salad bowl in the dishwasher is to not eat salad tonight...

Garrett Graff: that goofy-looking kid who sat in the back row at school turned out to be right...

Garrett Graff: i look like Man-Fish but you REALLY need to pay attention and take me seriously...

Dr. Nancy Alvarez: don't make me do the Desiguales dance...

Suzy Lu: the more you stare at my face, the more it starts to look Japanese...

Carlos Alcaraz: nobody buys tennis shoes anymore, which is weird. tennis shoes from a tennis PLAYER. everybody buys basketball shoes. i'm too short to play basketball!!!

Jules Smith: vitamins pronounced vitamins, not VIE-tamins, are British vitamins that turn you into a ponce...

SNL: looking back, why the flying hot dogs?...

Boc talking to his TV with a slow clap: nice The Fisher King speech, Mercedes Ruehl. men and women are the devil and God working it out. women are the creators because they give birth. men are dirty dogs. only bad boys are interesting. but HONEY, what about the gays?!!! i'm more creative than you, sister, look at this dreamcatcher quilt i knitted!!! i'm an accountant who fucks like a locomotive. i lick my paws to remain clean. who am i gonna work it out with? Socrates?

Boc: men are dirty dogs? I coulda told you that, honey.

Mercedes Ruehl: my tits have never looked better than they did in Fisher King. i was auditioning for the It's a Living movie at the time wearing that sky-high-waitress uniform and the girls just stayed like that molded into place...

Downers Grove: largest concentration of people with depression in the world. the good news is these people, who are big into hedge mazes, are blissed out on daisies...

F-Zero speedrun: get it?...

Ingmar Bergman sauna: every Thursday night in summer...

scratching your inside-leg in the morning: you've had an eventful night.

Mr. Humphries from Are You Being Served? and Brooke Trantor: ...

Mr. Humphries: the big to-do in the '70s, dear, no need to shame. a lot of dried crusted-over cum.

Brooke: mid-priced.

Boc: you're jogging WHILE the trash trucks are making their rounds? now that's guts.

Bjork: glacier spa in Iceland, soak with Bjork.

me: i have a bald head like that placenta wraith in the Live "Lightning Crashes" music video.

Gordon Ramsay: placenta is not polenta. polenta is not risotto...

Jen R: where did you come from, little one?

Xoxo: remember when Jeff Bridges cleared the dining-room table with his arm to make room so he could fuck Mercedes Ruehl in The Fisher King? i was one of the magic trinkets Jeff Bridges so coldly tossed aside for some cheap momentary pleasure. 

me: why is your mouth turned upward to the sky?

Xoxo: it's not a howl. it's a Primal Scream.

Jen: speaks for all of us.

Jen R howls.