VILLAGE COUNCIL: BURGER KING MAKES SHOES?

 

the councilmembers one by one take their seats until the table is full and round. Mr. Farthington speaks for the group:

Mr. Farthington: i can't have any more of your environmental initiatives. my daughter needs trainers. you can only get trainers if we bulldoze the park and erect another mall. do you know what it's like for a teen girl in high school? if she doesn't look good, she can't learn!!!

Jules Smith: keep your toupee on, you portly piece of cheese. that pocketwatch is not doing you any favors.

Mr. Farthington: but the peppermint lining...

Jules: what type of shoes are we talking about here, pops?

Mr. Farthington: BK.

Jules: Burger King makes shoes?

Catherine Tate: right?

Mr. Farthington: no, British Knights. you should know this!!!

Jules: i've been barefoot since birth.

Estella Warren: no you see my boyfriend and i were recreating that Lemon Pledge scene from Family Guy...

StaceyRPG after listening to "Cherub Rock": *fanning herself* oh baby. that riff. i think i just had sex.

Billy Corgan: can you tell that to D'arcy? she's the one who played the riff!!!...

24 Hour Party People.

Gillian Gilbert: i wrote all the lyrics...

12-inch: it take big balls to continue with this format.

Mick Hucknall: there's no one in the crowd in this room. is it because i'm a ginger?

Steve Coogan: yes, you drank too much Coke Classic.

cobblestone street vagrant: obviously i have the most wisdom here because i'm the only person in this movie who's actually LIVED. Charles Dickens had wheels for balls. mutability means we can never experience anything...

Bez: we're in a band solely for the chow mein.

Manchester: can we go back to Ancient Rome? we miss the aqueducts, there's no clean water here. give the Florence Renaissance paintings to London but let us keep the Hacienda for our Taco Bell. bouncing bombs don't explode.

raves: start the kids early...

Happy Mondays: we were happy because of the hookers. a bus hooker is a very special type of woman. a bus hooker appreciates indie music.

bus hookers: we thought this was the New Order bus. we wanna fuck Gillian and start a girl band. what kind of stupid name is the Happy Mondays?... 

Steve Coogan: cocaine is a suit's drug, it got Charlie Sheen...

flirting: postmodern Postmates, the DoorDash of dating.

fairground ride: the one Mr. Bean DOES get on...

Pennines: call for pasta in the snow.

zinc roof: where Tony Hawk has sex.

Steve Coogan: we did make some beer-fueled techno music but it didn't sell...

Kermit the Frog: guns coming from bicycles is not the world Jim Henson wanted.

drug dealers: we're only gonna let people who have E in the club, not the hot girls...

heavy coffin: the weight of a speedball. a speedball becomes a wrecking ball. Shamu needed no straps...

Barbados: there's heroin but it's inside the coconuts. you can get methadone only at the airport...

Ibiza: not a place to record music, a place to get AWAY from music...

Steve with DAT tape: so this is just 20 minutes of a Hawaiian Punch commercial...

Simon Cowell: Pat Sajak gets pussy, that's all i'm gonna say.

Tony Wilson: i mean i do like saying the name Boethius.

Vini Reilly: disrespected again.

Suzy Lu: a Kentucky. see? everyone in the UK and Ireland, for some reason, LOVES KFC!!!...

dandelion clock: the time is always Zero in the wind.

inbetween the strobe lights of the dance club, Tony from Skins is pogo-ing...

Boc: walking everyday: good for your lungs, but your neck gets sunburned...

Kinpachi Sensei: the Japanese Mr. Kotter.

Gabe Kaplan: imagine me with a fro, brown tweed suit, orange corduroy pants, and a samurai sword in my hand.

Fareed Zakaria: i've never felt more lonely than when i was watching that '80s anime movie...

Tales from the Darkside "Anniversary Dinner": the Bob's Burgers original pilot as a live-action...

Coen Brothers: or a Looney Tunes live-action. a jacuzzi you slice some carrots, white potatoes, and purple onions into.

Leslie Sbrocco: what a waste of wine!!! don't dump wine into a jacuzzi, drink wine on the surface of the jacuzzi...

Progresso pastina soup: Campbell's chicken & stars soup for adults.

elephant: 2 YEARS PREGNANT?!!! i'm only doing that if Rock Hudson fucks me so hard he becomes a woman.

James Blake: your tennis-stringer machine, dropweight or crank?

Jannik Sinner: crank but i do not use drugs...

tennis: tennis is the world's healthiest sport.

Roger Federer: not when i was playing Rafael Nadal at the French Open!!!

me: if i kissed 1975 Joyce Bulifant...

Jen R: a Joyce Bulifant Kiss, on the lips.

Joyce Bulifant: ...magic would enter your life. you have fallen in love with me ever so slowly, ever so imperceptibly. i'm what a REAL Chicken of the Sea mermaid looks like. you have started to like tuna for the first time in your life. worry not, lover, i shall never turn into Jessica Simpson.

YMCA in the '80s: that MUSTY smell of the dirty towels...

Jules Smith pushes the red button and the sprinklers in the village-council building which is just one room made of straw all go off from the ceiling overhead. each councilperson gets SOAKED.

Jules Smith: you see? it's impossible to be mad at somebody when they're dripping wet. 

Mr. Farthington: the water has cooled my temper. splendid that. jolly good show and my mouth is all agog and all that regional shit.

Jules: now we can all carefully and calmly consider my proposal. we're not humans anymore, we're plants. think how the other side feels. what would a tree say now?