THE WATER: THAT '80s YMCA SUNSET

 

the chlorine. that chlorine smell takes me back to the '80s. i'm floating. floating underwater in some river in the sky. i'm floating, always floating, constantly floating to fill up each corner in my space till there are no more corners, till all the corners disappear. i fly around in this manner free from a body. i remember this place, the YMCA in Sherman Oaks in the '80s where i used to splash Lucio in the face. one image my mind will never forfeit is of a sun cascading across the horizon over the roof of the YMCA at 6PM on a Sunday afternoon, that first glint of sunset you can see as all the kids excitedly hold their parents' tired arms languished from a terrible day the kid would know nothing about. but for that moment, all humans look AT the outside walls of the YMCA gathering sun, the parking lot with a hint of spark, we stare in silence, and we all knew deep in our dark hearts that school and work were just around the corner, the next day awaited us, and we tried to not sleep again...

i float across the main pool. i can feel the drops of water on the cobblestone ledge. but this pool has a SLIDE!!! a waterslide? that wasn't here before, that's what i always imagined, a nice Raging Waters twisty snakey covered waterslide for the kids into this legendary indoor LOUD swimming pool. and it's uncovered on the other side to keep the parents sanguine. 

and then of course there's Mo, the clerk at the front desk of the '80s YMCA who looks like Mel the short-order cook from that '70s/'80s show Alice. he wears the all-white T-shirt, white greasy pants, the white sailor's hat like Mel. has a gruff voice like Mel but a heart of gold. Mo melted you with his smile, he loved helping out kids like me with their towels.

Mo: yeah that's me, the towel man. you come to me and i give you a towel. official blue YMCA towel like water. i have them in a big blue bin next to me at the front desk in front of my flowers. i wheel that bin back to the trunk of my Pinto at 6PM when my shift ends and the night is just simmering below the parking lot. you hand me your membership card, that YMCA plastic credit card, i slide it and and i hand you your towel, and all is right in my world. it's a glorious system, a golden system, a blue system. you hand me your dirty towel as you exit the facility. the number of towels is always the same. all is right in the world.

creditor: predator.

Silver Jews lead singer: why weren't you there for me? did you see me? i mean my suicide was like a foregone conclusion, it was anticipated, prepared for by by family like it was my goddamn birthday!!! 

God: no. i was busy making sure this comet blazed across the sky of this planet at JUST the right year for the people below to believe in magic that Olmec will reinforce with his comforting voice later.

Big Trouble.

John Cassavetes: not in Little China.

me: i'm only watching this because i've never actually seen a John Cassavetes film from beginning to end.

Gena Rowlands: this really isn't the one to watch...

Marty McFly: Mr. Cassavetes, thank you...

sunburst: cooler Columbia logo, like '80s SunnyD.

Alan Arkin: it takes $3 million to send three boys to Yale.

wife: send them to UCLA instead, isn't that where Spielberg did E.T.?...

scantily-clad seductive Beverly D'Angelo: i bought life insurance from Alex Trebek.

Alan: no good, he's Canadian.

Beverly: like my mosquito-net drapes? makes our home a jungle.

Chinese laborers: this will never happen again after these '80s movies. we don't trust your American fast-food Chinese food, we want REAL Chinese food, not Publishers Clearing House. one-penny Columbia House, HA!!!

Jen R: remember putting the phone receiver on the cradle to wait for who it was for? the Rexall in Canoga Park, that's where i lost my virginity in the '80s.

my three sons: we don't want you to go broke for us, dad, you've only disappointed us once: when you didn't become a rock star.

Jen R: CVS was an antiques store in the '80s. CornNuts are only sold at St. Cyril's.

Peter Falk: not a heart attack, a yawn.

Jen R: i'll marry you if you get me a solarium for my ferns with GIANT wicker chairs and an alcove bed made entirely of tiny pillows.

Peter Falk: philosophers make tons of money. everyone on the boat died, they believed in Tony Robbins. 

dad: that was my briefcase!!! with the 3-digit gold combination-lock wheel like a gold watch.

Alan: i learned spit-taking at Yale Drama.

Peter: why are we wearing the same beige suit?

Alan: we're Metallica fans.

God: you just realized that killing is NEVER justified...

Chevy Chase: hi, i'm driving the getaway car.

Mark Hapka: 11:11 at night, 7-Eleven, cream soda, something crunchy like a hot dog, this is '80s marital bliss.

Robert Stack: my voice is so VELVETY i make the Devil sound good.

Peter Falk: i know you're shocked. my bald head looks weird. why is there a gold toilet in the middle of the negotiating table?

Hercule Poirot: do you know the odds of dying on a train?...

Macy's Girl Alison Brie: Saks Fifth Avenue bathroom tho.

Morgue Rule #1: no talk of goulash in the morgue.

Morgue Rule #2: it was covid.

dicknose body at the morgue: viva Cesar Romero as the Joker!!! toe tags are so disrespectful...

Jen R: i never thought i'd see Charles Durning do a karate kick.

Charles Durning: i karate-kicked Hitler's face...

crepes: giant Communion wafers.........the Communion of Crepes...

SNL: the best intro was everyone in the cast on the streets of New York City afraid, terrified, frightened for their lives that they're gonna get mugged, desperate to get into a Pinto parked on a hilly sidewalk...

Richard Nixon: i had hash for breakfast that morning, so they wouldn't sling it at me first...

camel spider: the size of a jeep during the Land of the Lost days. in the land now known as Carmel.

Jaws: i predicted Hurricane Katrina. but nobody asked me.

September student: can we just start school in October? when it's cooler? back-to-school cool? it's too hot to algebraite.

Mario when he was still a plumber in a college town: you were a PBS kid before you were a Toys R Us kid...

Premier League: it takes 9 months to make this baby more beautiful than the game...

soccer scion: soccer is Medieval.

Brad Pitt: my Carmel home is a seaside monastery on a cliff because i'm preparing to play a monk. i'm believable as a monk, right? i bought the iconic '60s surfside gas station below it because i want to pump Gidget's gas as long as possible.

Jen R: i'm playing Barrie Youngfellow in the It's a Living movie. Youngfellow is cool but i can't get past Barry as a woman's name...

bachelor: old manservant...

Jules Smith: i can never talk to you in the morning...

Monica Pro: golfers are HARDCORE when they put on their gloves like that...

i float to a fracas spoiling the tranquil suburbs of Connecticut, inside a two-storey Connecticut-style country house sit in the elegant rustic dining room Rollie Wesen and Jacques Pepin. suddenly Rollie gets up from his dining chair in a rage, knocking the gravy boat over on his lap. Rollie picks up a baguette from the chafing dish and starts swinging wildly at Jacques's surprised face. luckily the gravy was already cold.

Rollie Wesen: this is your time, old man!!! let's go!!! we're gonna have a baguette lightsaber battle here once and for all!!! man to man!!! YOU STOLE MY FAME, YOU FRENCH FUCKER!!! en garde, you French faker!!!

Jacques Pepin: but who are you?

Rollie: i'm your daughter's husband!!! 

Jacques: Rollie? were you named after a rolling pin?

Rollie: yeah so what? *to the camera* that's not his real accent, he has a thick Connecticut accent.  

Jacques: you gotta mellow out, man. you like Wesson baby oil like P Diddy? Chew it to do it, here, take my remaining BlueChew from my pocket, my daughter will thank you. 

Rollie: before we beat bread, i gotta ask, any tats?

Jacques: sure, young man, in the war, i got a unalome on my inner forearm.

Rollie: buttonhole to buttonhole!!! let's go!!!

Jacques: it's a long way home back to France, homme.

Jacques jumps out his farmhouse window and runs away as the baguette swings at his dick.

i stop it by taking Vanquish at a strange bathroom. Rollie Wesen won't let me use Jacques's bathroom that smells like offal so i float to the dirty YMCA bathroom. there, using a bum's cup next to his rolled-up toothpaste and toothbrush with no brush, i swallow the two Vanquish pills with water to end it.

i like experiencing........whatever this is...