THE WATER: FLOATING FROM THE COUCH

 

Roger Federer: i always liked that Bert Convy.

i can't believe my eyes. my floating eyes. it's Roger Federer. but we're in a psychiatrist's office. Roger wears a deep-burgundy robe and brown bunny slippers, sitting on a sofa-chair smoking a black dad-pipe.

Roger: the key to preventing tragedy is to not take anything too seriously.

me: how did the patients fare? they're your patients i presume.

Roger: my sessions usually help.

Roger: so for Rollie i sat him down with Jacques Pepin at a face-to-face table and the two talked to each other for the first time. they are related you know. 

Rollie Wesen: that BIG-ASS bottle of champagne you carry around with you is so stupid, it's so silly.

Jacques Pepin: i know. i'm sorry. but is it any sillier than a baguette lightsaber?

Rollie: are you ready to drink a can of Coke in front of me?

Jacques: only if you drink this big-ass bottle of champagne like the frat days along the Seine. don't worry, it's just Perrier, all champagne is just Perrier water.

Rollie: did you know meditating is better than drinking coffee to help you wake up in the morning?

Jacques: that's some American bullshit.

Roger: Mo was a harder case. you see Mo actually IS Mel from the TV show Alice.

Mel: yeah. i'm ashamed. i had an episode, a dissociative bout, where i forgot who i was and pretended to be someone else to mask the pain.

Roger: nothing to be ashamed of, my friend, depression is just another form of cancer.

me: so the towels were dirty dishrags...

Mel: see i asked Vera out. you know Vera the waitress? i mean she's the nicest most EMPATHETIC woman i know, if she said no i'd die. well she rejected me and my brain broke.

Vera: just a little too greasy for me.

Mel: she was my last hope, the soprano calming the whale with her LOW voice, you know? 

Little Buu: the original fat pink Majin Buu who acts like a little child.........good wordplay, Suzy Lu...

me: so what's your secret? talk therapy is a thorny thing, if you say the wrong thing: disaster.

Roger wearing a greasy dishrag as a dress: look under your couch.

me: i like lying on this couch face-down, i can float to galaxies from here.

i sense two large cans with my fingers. i pull them out.

me: omg it's Hawaiian Punch!!!

Roger with a grandfatherly smile: yes, the greatest gameshow prize there ever was.

me: you know as an '80s kid when i'd see Hawaiian Punch on the shelves, those LARGE TIN CANS of Hawaiian Punch were mystical to me in L.A.

Roger: it has a calming effect on my patients, it destroys their affect. they look at these cans and instantly relax. it has the same effectiveness as coffee or meditation...

Roger Ebert: no 2000s movie can ever be the BEST ANYTHING...

Monica Pro: sometimes in life you gotta poo.

the back of the lime-green Sparkletts water truck: those dark-green glitters are the tassels of an '80s Vegas showgirl...

tea: when the tea starts to look like apple cider, it's time to change the teabag...

Wednesday Addams: my Meal of Misfortune at Wendy's is not a real meal, there's no burger, it's just chicken and fries. see mostly girls will get this, and goth girls like to remain skinny...

single actors REALLY struggle...

Tales from the Darkside: all our apartments have fine art hung up on the walls...

every '80s show: one brown bag with 3 boxes in the bag carried into the apartment: the groceries.

Coldplay "Viva la Vida."

be my mirror, my sword and shield

missionary position far afield...

Chris Martin: see? vanilla sex is worth waiting for. all kings end up goth. like the king in the Depeche Mode "Enjoy the Silence" music video...

Dave Gahan: that crown was two sizes too small for my head. my red cape was fuzzy but itchy. the dalmatian spots on the white fleece of my cape made me cry. the gloomy cliffside mountains were filled with overcast mites.

Michael Jordan: i should have played for the Knicks!!! i was born in Brooklyn after all. the '90s, NYC, hub of pop culture, it would have been too much. i could have been in a serious culturally-relevant Spike Lee film, not Space Jam!!!

Samuel Beckett: make my jacuzzi in my bedroom a cold-plunge.........but not like the ocean, i can't swim...

Danielle Spencer: i'm gonna tell mama, that line was used as a lyric in a Michael Jackson song in the '80s. what are we doing at papa's house?!!!

Dean Travers: i wasn't actually the dean of a culinary school, i just pretended to be to get chicks who cook. my first name is Dean. i was the only person who ever believed in Jack Tripper, i mean where was his father?!!!

all the women contestants on Match Game '74: i'm married to a super guy...

Rybakina: after Mary Pierce we can never be too careful...

Mark Twain: has anyone seen my rouge?...

Marilyn Manson: you don't need to backmask my songs, the Satanic lyrics are in the FRONT.

me: this is all very impressive. can i use your bathroom to take my 2 Vanquish pills?

Roger Federer: when have you ever been motivated?

me: i'm assuming your bathroom will be strange enough. your work bathroom at least.

Roger: oh sure.

i float to a feast for my eyes. and i am hungry no more. this bathroom has a new-car smell. this bathroom has elevator carpet where the wallpaper should be. 

Prince: the best elevators don't have carpet, they have marble...

me: why are all mirrors, no matter where they are, dirty? the bathroom cup is made of Flintstones pumice. and by the front swinging door there's a Victrola playing a Rachmaninoff LP record next to a fern that ISN'T hanging. 

water grips my brow.

Roger: but you can't. your session isn't over...