THE WATER: ROLLIE

 

Rollie Wesen takes his tantrum to Press Your Luck.

Jen R: i mean you're just bypassing Flip Side?!!! the shade.

Whammy: we like tempers.

the three contestants are Rollie Wesen, Jacques Pepin, and Mo.

Rollie swings his baguette at Jacques, Mo, and the red button.

Rollie Wesen: come on, no Whammies, no Whammies, i need to be the angriest creature in the universe. papa needs a new bag and to be a dad again...

Whammies: we're actually animators...

Rollie: FUCK I LANDED ON A WHAMMY!!!

Bert Convy: wait don't get mad, you don't have any money.

Rollie: i've never had any money thanks to Jacques to my left here.

Jacques Pepin: Star Wars was banned in France because they said Princess Leia was too sexy a woman.

Bert: if you win the next spin, you can get your earnings in baguettes, not cash. i keep a wad of cash bills in my pocket at all times in case we get robbed on live air.

Rollie: but it's not really a spin, it's a wave of electronic squares lighting up, it's all computers.

Pat Sajak: don't you want the TACTILE feel of an actual wheel to spin?...

Bob Barker: my wheel was right-side-up.

Lindy Lenz: the grip.

Mo: all i ask is that i get paid in towels. towels which haven't been spit-on.

Rollie smashes the Press Your Luck lightboard with his baguette. fortunately the big square is made of plastic.

Natrol: restorative sleep doesn't come in a noisy house...

Big Trouble.

morgue corpse: don't worry, i'm a James Bond villain, The Man With No Face.

Alan Arkin: i coulda been a musician you know. Yale has an accordion scholarship.

Beverly D'Angelo: Dick Cavett is actually a splendid actor, i'm doing the Broadway Theater in Canoga Park with him and Other Darren, the stage production of Pirates of Dark Water.

sardine liqueur: what the Deadliest Catch boys drink.

Alan: when you're muttering to yourself you can jump on top of a moving big-rig truck...

Alan: where did you find Beverly D'Angelo?

Peter Falk: i was lonely and looking for a writer...

New Jersey: if you're from New Jersey you were well-raised. all mafia families are Catholic. New Jersey is where the ancient Native Americans come from, all our cities are impossible-to-spell American Indian names.

Michelangelo with a rubber hose: ...

Star Wars: no tumblers, all electronic, all computers...

the insulation between walls: cotton candy you can't eat. gold is flammable if it gets hit with a bullet...

cute: should never be in jail.

Charles Durning: this battlefield shoot-em-up scene was easy, i went through this for REAL in WWII.

Alan: you stop a bomb by stomping on it, right?

Robert Stack: my smile is creepier than the Joker's.

Peter Falk: are we going on after this concert? do you resent meeting me? look me in the eye and say that to my eye without laughing. no i'm serious, it's not a wink-wink thing, how can i squint if there's no light in this room? if i don't do more adventures i'll die. are we together forever? two rascals?

God: you should never regret meeting ANYBODY...

Alan Arkin: i did a lot of INDECIPHERABLE MOANING in this movie.

Brett Somers: Jack Carter? close enough, i'll take him...

Jack Carter: give me a word, ANY word, and i have a story and a joke about that word, i am so vaudeville.

Charles Nelson Reilly: BLOWJOB has never been an answer on Match Game...

Harry Anderson: i walk with that LEAN...

Vivaldi: almost forgot this is the whole point. take my hand and let's take some opiates.

Gorillaz: we count as opera...

Billy Corgan: Smashing Pumpkins "Soma," 

nothing left to say

and all i've left to do

is run away WITH you...

Billy: see? so i won't be alone anymore. the opium of blame is still just a drug, not a person. fighting with my family left me isolated...

D'arcy: promise made of tin, carpe diem.

James Iha: this song is about The Silence from Doctor Who.

Jimmy Chamberlin: God speaks in layers.

anime characters: we tilt our head when we're questioning something.

'80s-flavored Crush soda: tastes like a Blue ICEE...

Columbia House: okay but our 8-track collection was good...

Lorne Michaels to all female hosts: look, you're a nice actress, but the reason you're hosting SNL NOW is you're as good-looking as you're ever gonna get...

monks: you envy us, because you don't know what it's like to have a quiet night...

Queen Victoria: cocaine wine was just the soda of our time. we put laudanum in 7 Up...

Danielle Spencer: i was the greatest child actor OF ALL TIME, not just the sassiest. more importantly tho, i cured Lassie's UNDERLYING problem: he was lonely...

Rollie Wesen is in a heap on top of his console at Press Your Luck crying his eyes out. Mo joins him at his own console crying into the wilderness.

Jacques Pepin hugs both men at once, one on each shoulder.

Jacques Pepin with a grandfatherly grin: there there. let it all out. is this because you hit a Whammy again?

Rollie Wesen: no it's because my life is a failure.

Mo: yeah mine too. what have i done with my life?

Jacques: you see what your tears have done to your baguette? they've made it sourdough, this is the beauty of nature. i still don't know your name. and your tears have made your towels unusable.

Mo: i'll just dip them in chlorine, they'll be good as new.

Jacques: THIS is the water that matters. THIS is French water.

Rollie: Perrier?

Jacques: tears.

Bert Convy is nice enough to let me use the Press Your Luck bathroom, that's a strange-enough bathroom to be in. the soap dispenser is a Whammy mouth. the mirror is a lightboard and yet it's still a dirty mirror. i take my two Vanquish pills to end it.