WAITING IS A FORM OF LOVE: EARLY-MORNING POTATO SMELL

 

Jen R: waiting like when we're waiting for your coffee in the morning, see what i'm getting at?

we're waiting by my Keurig. i push the button.

me: here it is.

Xoxo: no that's the cup of coffee from YESTER morning. see it takes ONE WHOLE DAY for the coffee to brew to get the beans to taste just right. the Aztecs invented coffee you know.

me: shit i'm out of water. where's my water cup?

Jen: use this strange cup.

Xoxo: vieja, that's a tiny glass fishbowl.

me: as long as it works, right? even if my pet fish is swimming around in this cup...

Jen: whoa, check out your cats, they're calm around your fish now.

Xoxo: i have a calming effect on cats.

Leslie Sbrocco: omg you're HERE?!!!

Monica Pro: yeah. crouching like a motherfucker to put away these Teddy Grahams. did you get a good gander at my butt?

Leslie: i honestly thought i'd never see you again. i've been crying on the inside.

Monica: Safeway has a way of crushing your dreams.........that's it. Safeway has a habit of messing with your mind. btw.........don't try the Safeway meatloaf...

Leslie: i eat one sugar donut from Safeway a day, right? so why don't i gain weight? why don't i balloon out and explode?

Monica: because you walk, silly. if you walk TO Safeway you can eat a donut a day and not gain an ounce. empty calories are still calories.

Teen Titans: The Judas Contract.

plains: explains.

Starfire: if we move in together, one of the rooms MUST be a pizza parlor.

Jen R: yeah that's me, i'm always burning the lasagna, i'm always putting the lasagna in the oven at 500 degrees for 5 hours.

Nightwing: waitl let's not fight here, this is the pier from the Our Lady Peace "One Man Army" music video...

Dick Grayson: bulletproof vest? nah, manly chest. i mean my name is Dick Grayson, that's a porn star's name.

Blue Beetle: hey, only my father gets to call me ese!!!

Deathstroke: wait how many zeros?

Brother Blood: 20 bucks, right?

Terra: how COULD you?!!! i thought this was real love!!!

Deathstroke: sorry, kid, goth girls give me the creeps. nothing ratchets up the sexual tension quite like death. sex and death, isn't that what life is about? widow sex is where it's at.

Robin: no God will save you, Blood, because i'm an atheist.

Terra: Slade, you're about to experience the most fucked-up Legends of the Hidden Temple Temple Game ever!!!

Brother Blood: i beseech thee, 40 years in the planning only to end up Hot Nosferatu?...

Terra: i was gonna rock myself earlier but Deathstroke promised he'd get me a horse.

Kevin Smith: sucks about your girlfriend.........are we still on for the podcast?

puppy Sandy the black-Lab dog: ...

Beast Boy: not everyone has a road.

i stroll past the Fitzgeralds' place.

Jen R: i'm always in awe of their sprinkler system. i'm dazzled and drenched.

Jackie Fitzgerald: the sprinklers come on EXACTLY at 7:34 each morning to indicate Blond Rambo and i have finished fucking.

Jen: you scared the living daylights out of me, woman!!!

Blond Rambo: Jackie scares me unless i have my nightlight on. she only talks to me when all the lights are off.

me: the sprinklers make me feel inspired. i want to take a shower in your sprinkler water like as if I just had sex.

Jen: i keep telling him to bathe. to wash himself so he doesn't have to watch himself.

Jackie: yeah he needs it, he's a filthy motherfucker.

It's a Living.

agent: i'm taking you to the top.

Sonny the piano man: but i already work at Above the Top...

Shannon Sharpe at the NFL Hall of Fame ceremony: this Gold Jacket looks sharp on me.........this is not awkward in any way...

Tiafoe: like my END ICE ice? my END ICE necklace, i can only wear this in Toronto...

Gavin Rossdale: when Bush toured with Veruca Salt, we only had the one album, our first album. the concert was still an hour long but we had to play EACH AND EVERY ONE of our songs. you heard everything, man. everything we were about. from "Everything Zen" to "Alien." we played "Alien" at your prom...

Tula from The Pirates of Dark Water: you played it at my prom. you don't remember but i do. "Alien" has since become a prom song. "Alien" was the last song at my prom...

Gene Rayburn: i am FASCINATED with what color a woman's hair roots REALLY are...

Morgan Spurlock: so McMigraine doesn't work. remember, i died early...

Raul De Molina: piscina. you know? the only thing that matters in life is my swimming pool.

Zverev: you can read my serve. look at the toss, it's like a goaltender trying to read the penalty kick...

Wednesday Addams at Wendy's: purple sauce? that's just not appetizing. even if you call it Vaporwave Sauce. even if you call it '80s Sauce...

Richard Dawson: i can seduce any woman. no i'm being serious. my success rate is 100%. except that one time i was Moses in a tuxedo parting the Red Sea.

Eric Clapton guitar solo: i play during the breaks of every Late Night with David Letterman episode...

Cecily Strong: when do i play Tara Palmeri on SNL?...

Tom Edwards: i have a rich resonant voice like Sanka coffee. i made Char Aznable sexy, he wasn't before. i'm Canadian so i know Melissa Maker. i'm a funnyman so i do a magic trick in my pants. i was that councilman in that one episode of Da Vinci's Inquest...

Tom Brady: no more smelling salts? but that's how i get through the day now that Gisele has taken up with her yoga man. i tried yoga once but i broke my nose...

blue whales: we're silent to show a moment of silence for poor Pinocchio...

Xoxo: cheese on pizza like a giraffe's fur.

me: so Xoxo, you have unique colors on you.

Xoxo: they're not painted-on, they're natural.

Jen R: the colors of Ancient Mexico?

Xoxo: the colors of the United States Southwest, the colors of Arizona...

Jen: that is depressing. aren't you a harbinger of the underworld?

me: that dark passageway no one wants to take?

Xoxo: yes but it's not a scary thing. death is natural, the problem is you can't explain it...