WAITING IS A FORM OF LOVE: '80s USC DAD COFFEE

 

Jen and i are waiting in line at the Sherman Oaks Magic Castle for pizza.

Jen R: on line. i'm from Baltimore.

me: we've been waiting here for 3 hours. the arcade cabinets are getting cold.

Jen: but the pizza is made from dough made from '80s nostalgia. so it IS worth it. see what i'm getting at here?

after three hours i bite into the crust with my non-braced teeth. my family couldn't afford to get me braces when i was a kid.

me: there's something about the cheese that evokes the '80s.

Jen: the cheese is BURNED. right? the cheese has that BURNING flavor to it. i'm surprised that's not a black pizza what with all the burnt cheese.

me: didn't Domino's do a neon balck-licorice pizza once? to celebrate the '80s?

Jen: the secret is to eat a triangle of cheese pizza all by itself, no seasonings, no salt, no pepper, no hot sauce, no cheese. so you only taste the cheese. and tomato. and bread.

Monica Pro: don't worry, i'm not getting shipped out. i left you a surprise at the donut case this morning.

Leslie Sbrocco: i enter Safeway at breakfast and make a motherfucking beeline for the donut case. i think to myself, "let's see here, which donut is calling my name." i study the donuts a good while examining which donut has just the right amount of misshapen roundness. topped with just a bit too much sugar to be a healthy daily intake of sugar...

Monica: i left the last sugar donut ON TOP of the glazed donuts.

Leslie: oh yeah i saw that!!! SEE?!!! you DO care about me!!!

Monica: yes. but i'm also bored.

Teen Titans: The Judas Contract.

Judas: not a Christian movie.

Nightwing: i'm not Darkwing Duck.

Robin: team, i have some bad news. we're rescuing this alien girl who's ugly. she's gonna be living in Titans Tower with us for three years. this will test the very foundation of the Teen Titans, what we stand for.

Superman: you're really trying my patience with this shit. there are 253 DC animated movies? DC characters do not need to be ninjas...

Nightwing, blushing: i made a key for you. i want you to live with me.

Starfire: okay but you live with your mom.

Raven: i'm Wednesday Addams but i can fly. oh damn i got HIPS in this movie!!!

Jaime Reyes's father: blue Beetle? but the boy still can't drive. i want my son back. where's my heart medication?

Blue Beetle: pop, i promise to go to college when i'm 45.

Brother Blood: cemeteries are the last quiet places in the city.

Deathstroke: i'm Deadpool without the personality. without the Ryan Reynolds Canadian quips. i suck.

Starfire: Nightwing, why can't you cum for me when we're in your mother's bed?

Nightwing: Batman said real men don't cum.

Beast Boy: am i seducing you with my snake? i mean me AS a snake. The Jungle Book was my favorite Disney movie as a kid, it spoke to me so much.

Terra: my favorite movie is Kids...

Madame Pons: hey Deathstroke, the Lazarus Pit ain't got nothing on LUSH bath bombs. not the bombs you're used to, you brute.

Jaime: sorry, the cockroach inside me acts up whenever there's a hot poor girl serving soup to strangers.

Makeup Department: okay no makeup on Terra EVER.

Nightwing, moving: why do you have 300 brown cardboard boxes of stuff?

Starfire: those are your dirty magazines. it's just my Sailor Moon wand and Jem hair gel.

Beast Boy: mama, did you think Ginyu from Dragon Ball Z was cute?

Terra: i'm more of an Uncle Wiggily woman.

Beast Boy: unhealthy online presence?

Terra: Twitter's not gonna last. before we kiss, i must warn you, i'm into older men...

Jason Mewes: i'm only "Other Guy" because i can't talk because i'm chewing gum.

Robin: i mean the team STILL hasn't searched for me, it's been a week...

Starfire: dick in a box?

Lucille Ball in the SNL dressing room: powder your nose, dear, save the nose powder for John Belushi.

John Belushi: my nose is shiny.

vj: a blowjob from an Early '80s MTV VJ.........preferably Cyndi Lauper...

Blond Rambo: walk the dog, then hog (motorcycle).

Jackie Fitzgerald: why aren't you part of a motorcycle gang? it's just you out there on the highway at 7 AM chasing the sunrise. 

Blond Rambo: i'm a loner, baby. it's the hog credo, to truly experience the freedom of being in a motorcycle gang, you must ride alone...

It's a Living.

Granville Van Dusen: you are related to someone who made it with Susan Sullivan, the first milf who ever lived.

Susan Sullivan: what a hunk. i had the most perfect bean-shaped butt.

Granville: someone who traveled the stars both as a Klingon AND as Jonny Quest...

Jen R, laughing: It's a Living, the ENDLESS SALAD!!!

me: i have a dream where i'm eating at Above the Top restaurant in that silver tower, for dinner i order only a salad.

Jen: it's a skyscraper spinning-restaurant that doesn't spin.

Larry on It's a Living: ladies, given up on dating? too many jerks? Larry will be a stable supporter, a pious provider, and a faithful father. and i'll only sell you a GTO...

It's a Living: we did the whole naked-priest thing first...

Comcast: we deliver high-speed internet to gas stations...

Vieve the bag girl at Safeway: i saw flies coming out of the Lucky donut case. 

Leslie Sbrocco: not all donut double-doors are the same.

Monica Pro: you know when it's early August and you REALLY need a summer shower to happen in the sky?...

Tour de France Femmes: but it's on Peacock...

'80s TV: the women were good-looking but not TOO good-looking...

new boyfriend: i'm not just a sudden replacement for the long love you had for your beloved Alaskan Malamute dog for 17 years?

Jillian Clare: my therapist says i'm making gains. meet him now.

Freud: see people latch onto pets because they can't handle scary uncertain complicated human relationships. Jillian is making progress, her relationships are not short and fickle...

universe: wait that's a stupid way for me to operate, i should help someone in need, not reflect their misery...

Hayao Miyazaki: hiya.

One Life to Live: a soap opera about Buddhists...

Patrick Swayze: are you laughing at my naked body?

director: is this because of your nose?

Jennifer Grey: no i'm giggling because nobody dances like this anymore. do i need to send this dance back to the Ministry of Silly Walks? 

Michael Jackson: this dance is silly. that's a silly dance.

Jennifer Grey: come on, man, it's the '80s, we breakdance.

Michael Jackson: strangely, i've never breakdanced. i have brokedanced tho...

a Xoloitzcuintli Colima-dog ceramic ocarina from Mexico comes out of the coin slot of the tabletop Donkey Kong arcade cabinet no one ever plays.

Xoxo: hola, calling me a cunt means something different in Mexico. also i'm hairless which is not very manly in Mexico.

me: where did you come from? Jen, it's genuine magic!!!

Jen R: i thought i was your magic. let me guess: from a Legends of the Hidden Temple temple.

Xoxo: close but no Mexican cigar. i come from a famous film.

Jen: can i blow you? like a Zelda pipe?

Xoxo: as tempting an offer as that is, vieja, my holes are just for show.

Jen: did he just call me an old lady? or ugly?

me: your name is Jojo?

Xoxo: it's pronounced Zozo...

MY MATTRESS: THE ONLY TIME I WAS AN ADULT

 

Georgia Kernell: so who were the other women?

me: what?

Georgia: when you think how Junior Year at Berkeley was your best year as an alive person, who were the freedoms you enjoyed?

me: oh you mean THAT woman. yeah, she was a Persian princess, had that Garine Babian look, beautiful in that exotic way only the Middle East affords. she let me tag along as she returned her graduation gown. looking back, she was rubbing it in my face that i was a doomed student. that shade of deep blue was so beautiful tho, i wish i would have worn that gown at least once.

Garine Babian: the shade was beautiful.

me: and then of course there was THAT woman. the one who looked like Ally Sheedy. 

Ally Sheedy: if Molly Ringwald turned goth.

me: when i told her Tori Amos makes love to the piano i was talking about sex but she thought i meant Tori Amos was a good piano-player.

Tori Amos: like i actually really make love to my piano. i fuck the piano, the physical object of the piano, in real time. i don't just splay out spreadeagle on the piano's lid like Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys, i'm thrusting, i'm thrusting against the set of keys.

Georgia: see? note how i'm not jealous listening to you reminiscing on your other women, THAT is what it means to be a free adult...

Palm Springs: shoulda been called Palm Fronds.

me: i can get by with holes in my socks.

Jen R: as long as the hole isn't the big toe. a hole in the heel is fine.

Rage Against the Machine "Renegades of Funk": the official Oprah 2028 campaign song.

Katy Perry: does Canada have a Secret Service?

Justin Trudeau: yes, we use Wheels from Degrassi.

Beastie Boys: we're brothers.

Tony Hawk: AND i'm neighbors with Trent Reznor.

Leslie Sbrocco: THE STRIKE WAS SUCCESSFUL!!! we did it!!!

Monica Pro wearing cute black Smiths glasses without the lenses, just the black frames: yeah that just means i have to go back to work at a grocery store.

Leslie: come here, give me a hug, fall into my arms. i was on strike with you guys, too. i suffered along with you. i REFUSED to eat a sugar donut from Lucky, Safeway sugar donuts only. i was on a DONUT STRIKE!!!

Head of the Class "Mission to Moscow": not so much a TV-movie as as series of 99 short clips.

Robin Williams: you're on borrowed time.

me: can we switch? i was never one to be patient enough to be a teacher.

me: Match Game '74 is over before my morning alarm-clock sounds.

Jen R: my alarm clock is the Match Game '74 porno thinking music.

Olmec: on the island Match Game '74 comes on at 4PM. the show is my 5-Hour Energy. my joints are fucked, i can't get out to exercise...

Monica Pro: garbagemen need donut breaks, too.

Super Mario: yes, ma'am. i park my BIG-ASS green recycle truck in the middle of the Safeway parking lot and get a sugar donut. nobody else in the cab. we're like the trash cops.

Jillian Clare: i'm dating someone who is you as a black man.

me: you have no idea how painfully ironic that is for me...

NoizeBoy: so i guess i was gay.

Jillian Clare: yeah man, i mean these are DOOL tits to drool over!!! and to root for.

Choco Taco: long enough?...

It's a Living: the Salad UFO is lifting off.

Patti Deutsch: i was the Alien Queen...

E.T.: the Deutsch Voice. Patti Deutsch's voice emits a LOW frequency only my species of plant people can hear.

Marian Mercer: i play Ms. Krause in the Lifetime Movie.

Kansas: carry on my wayward son

don't you come back home

Molly Qerim: why do you walk that way?

Stephen A. Smith: i STRUT like George Jefferson. i was conceived during the first episode of The Jeffersons. that's gonna be the Presidential Strut one day.

George Jefferson: i went up the hill before that crazy British white chick Kate Bush and before Michael Jackson in The Fisher King.

Michael Jackson: i'm colorless.

Jen R: so i'm at the Hallmark Channel Experience in Calgary workshopping some ideas for movies. i got one: a divorced father who hires a plumber named Mario to be the babysitter. the movie can NOT star Sydney Sweeney.........she's too big for Hallmark Channel...

Mary Blair: i made Disney Disney.

Walt Disney: turns out i'm just another of the bungled and the botched.

Billy Corgan: Smashing Pumpkins "That's the Way My Love Is" is my poppy version of Depeche Mode "Strangelove."

Fletch from Depeche Mode: "Strangelove" is about that Kubrick movie.

Match Game '74 lower tier: it sucked for us. we were always craning our necks to talk to the celebrities on the upper tier, we needed permanent neckbraces after we retired.

In-N-Out Burger: you're gonna need a car to eat me...

Melissa Maker: it's time to take this marriage to the next level.

me: what do you mean?

Melissa: it's time for US to go to Towson Hot Bagels!!! i've never been to Baltimore. remember, if you're having a bad life, pickle chips. Pickle Doritos go with any sandwich.

me: but how do you know?

Melissa: i trust the Red String of Fate. there was a red string stuck to my dryer ball this morning.