I DIDN'T AMOUNT TO MUCH, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT: SHABU-SHABU

 

me: do you know how to get out of anything in life? no money. just say you have no money.

Jen R: brilliant. 

me: but it's true in my case.

Jen: okay, you finally pulled my leg enough that i peed. i'll treat you to lunch. BUT all the Chinese restaurants are booked for Christmas. 

me: take me out, that's enough. 

Jen: the Ford Focus is in the shop, we'll have to take the double-decker bus.

at the shabu-shabu we are blindsided by all the different thin cuts of meat.

me: how many cuts of beef are there in existence?

Jen: why is steak so expensive? 

Shamu the whale: better than expensive spaghetti.

Jen: hey Shamu!!! why are you always wet when you see me?

Shamu: hey waiter, no shark-fin soup, Jaws is my best friend from childhood.

Jen: i got a surprise for you, to sprinkle on your salad.

me: CAPERS!!!

Jen: capers are exotic. and instead of boring apple pie for dessert, make it miso pie.

me: this pie belt around the apple pie tho, it's made of pewter and has a buckle.

Jen: yeah it's Medieval, i love it. reminds me of the ONE S&M session i engaged in over at UC Davis.

me: what are you writing on the pie with whipped cream?

Jen: HIS LOSS. this is the pie my friends will give me if you ever dump me. no pressure.

me: do you feel better?

Jen: i'm already consoled.

Jules Smith's wolf Halo: i'm actually a Roman dog. in Ancient Rome BEWARE OF DOG was the friendliest welcome mat you could buy.

William Shakespeare: what do we know about my past?

Ms. Krause: Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

Jenny Baranick: that one got me out of the house. i finally woke up. unfortunately it was after the election. there's more to life than reading wordplay books and making English babies. i'm writing again. i'm writing another book in my head as i talk to you.

me: bring back blogs!!!

Jenny Baranick: if you're not on a blog, are you really alive?

Mr. Furley: why wasn't there a spinoff of MY character?

Jack Tripper: the name of the show: Furley.

Mr. Furley: it would have been successful unlike the other two. me, Ralph Furley, i join the Peace Corps, but my big secret is i'm drunk all the time.

Mr. Roper: did you notice? i break the fourth wall all the time. nobody told me i couldn't do it so i just did it all the time. 

KQED: we DEMONSTRATE with a Latin proof that Arthur needs a college season.

babka: fossil bread.

Jen R: don't you wish you had the time to watch EVERY SINGLE PBS documentary?

me: all those Independent Lens PBS documentaries go on to win the Oscar on Oscar Night.

Steven Keaton: PBS is television that MATTERS.

Silverwing: when you miss Gargoyles.

Jules Smith: as a Brit on Thanksgiving Day i eat a big ol' turkey dinner at my dinner table with my newly-reconstituted family just for the fuck of it, to see how the Yanks live!!!

Boc: brother, i go on these morning walks not for healthy exercise, it's to get out of the house...

William Shakespeare: i'm head of the drama boards.

Ms. Krause: at Berkeley?

William: Reddit.

American Pop.

Ralph Bakshi walks alongside the Rock Odyssey float at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Elya Baskin: hell yeah!!! Baskin-Robbins!!!

Tempe Pigott: i did the Leia Buns first.

Billie Dove: Billy Corgan wishes i was his daughter.

Billy Corgan: it's true.

Frankie: you don't take me seriously because i have a Bart Simpson voice.

me: fuck the words? the woods don't matter? that hurts.

Grace Slick: see? you gotta FIND somebody to love.

drummer: come on, man, all music marriages last two weeks.

Tony: i've been sick, man. i got the sniffles. no it's not like that, here's a note from my doctor, he says i have a cold.

Epstein's mother: ...

Epstein's mother: your doctor feelgood. i get it, my doctor feelgood fed me free McDonald's french fries on the beach for a whole year. that whole year i was convinced Epstein's father was a seagull.

Thundarr: that isn't the Queen golem backstage, that is Circe's stone statue!!!

Kevin Costner: everyone shouts in the cornfield when they find out they have a kid.

Jen R: aww, so tender, so loving how he tucks Frankie's arms under the white sheet, Tony really loved her.

Pete's girlfriend: slumming it with the saltines.

Pete: they make excellent piano dampeners.

Elvis: if i had been president of Capitol Records as i should have been, i'd still be alive today.

Johnny Rotten singing "Pretty Vacant": what the fuck happened to my voice?!!! i sound like a girl!!!

Sid Vicious: it's called puberty and your voice breaking, you wazzock.

Johnny Rotten: i thought that only happens when you eat crack.

Bob Seger: hey man, hey Bakshi, continue the story, Pete's kid, "Night Moves" is PERFECT for Vaporwave.

Roy Disney: where's the bathroom?

me playing the harmonica and singing through my tears: I feel so down/ when my friends aren't around 

Jen R: i love your mouth. and i love when your mouth is wet.

Richard Gere: TAAAAAKE OOOOON MEEEEE

Pati Jinich: i just realized, Mexicans don't celebrate Thanksgiving!!! any excuse for me to grill my turkey bits on my backyard barbecue i named The Green Egg!!! Wild Turkey bourbon counts. does KFC offer a Thanksgiving turkey?

WKRP Turkey Drop: did you notice? this whole scene is NARRATED, not shown. the power of vibrant storytelling.

Storybook International luter: this is one of the most famous scenes in television history, and it wasn't a scene!!! that is wild. hear hear. pass the mead, nobody wants to listen to stories anymore.

at the docks.

Queen Mary: and why are YOU so spruced up like James Bond this evening? got an air date? are you cheating on me?

Spruce Goose: turns out you're a Scot, not an English rose.

Queen Mary: i'm an Englishwoman, Diana christened me with a bottle she drank after the christening. Mother Goose Vodka?

Spruce Goose: my new war orders. i'm to rescue Jennifer Connelly's bosom from the evil clutches of the Rocketeer. wait, that can't be right, who's on the other side of the radio? is that you, Errol Flynn?

colada: of cola.

John Madden: you loved me, you adored me, only because my bus was a Greyhound.

Melissa Maker: Canadians don't celebrate Thanksgiving. on that day we're just waiting for Black Friday to start. 

at Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris.

Ms. Talbott: i cleaned every one of those pipes on that pipe organ WITH MY MOUTH.

Geoff Tate: yeah i don't know, it's fully restored and it feels cheap, they made it modern, all of its Medieval magic is gone, its ancient history of witchcraft cobwebs and fucking high in the rafters has been sanitized.

Ms. Talbott: Geoff, remember me? i took your virginity. i was a much older woman. we did it in the rafters high atop this hallowed church.

Geoff: that was the first time i said the word Alleluia.

Ms. Talbott: and then you gave me your Jordan high-tops. i am Lady Jane from the Queensryche song "Lady Jane."

Geoff: forget this, i'm going back to Round Table Pizza.

  

Lindy Lenz: i am thankful that Thanksgiving is over. my dishwasher flooded from too much silverware. the only good thing about Thanksgiving is that you don't receive mail that day. and there's a new episode of Check, Please! Bay Area to watch as the perfect excuse to leave the big room to the little room. why am i related to these people? why am i related to any people?

Leslie Sbrocco: my tits are bigger than this ENTIRE turkey.

me: well thank you, Jen Pen. that was a wonderful meal. Japanese food satisfies me like no other food can.

Jen R: you feel like Naruto.

me: how can i feel the savoriness of Japanese food when i'm not in a Japanese restaurant?

Jen: eat Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos.

Jen: let's cuddle.

me: your cuddle is my hope.

Jen: save the spooning for us. that LONG AS THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT ROOM spoon to fish out shrimp from the restaurant aquarium was pretty cool tho. let's cuddle as we watch Pendleton Ward's latest cartoon Mystery Cuddlers. 

me: you're the best. you read my mind, which is your mind.

Jen: it's Adventure Time for adults. it's like if Bob Newhart and Suzanne Pleshette watched a cartoon about themselves. 

 

I DIDN'T AMOUNT TO MUCH, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT: A GOOD DRUG DEAL

 

Jen R: everybody's trying to get into their own royal family.

me: yeah.

Jen: how you feeling?

me: bad. overtired. everyone i know is out of reach. no connections. a lifetime of intelligence and creativity squandered.

Jen: there's a twinkle in your eye.

me: no those are tears. i'm waiting for my pills to be delivered. it always brings a tear to my eye when i see a couple of boxes of Vanquish on my doorstep.

Jen: it's like a good drug deal.

me: hey can you put ravioli in the air fryer?

Jen: toast them in the toaster oven instead, TOASTED RAVIOLI!!!

Toasty from Mortal Kombat: TOASTY!!! simpler times. times when you didn't worry because you always had another life. why didn't Chef Boyardee have toasted ravioli in a can?

me: the Forest Library, what are you waiting for?

Jen: i've seen the brochure, that park next to it, it's like Central Park but fun-size. the last book i ever checked out from a library was Goodnight Moon for my 2-year-old. the book had a padlock on it.

me: and then take your daughter to Shrek at the Forest Theatre.

Jen: nah, that outdoor seating sucks, it's just a pile of logs.

me: in my dream i'm the kicker for Ohio State, the field-goal kicker for the Ohio State college football team. i'm surly, i dart around campus with a suspicious look, my eye is distrusting, i have a perma-scowl on my face. but when it comes to the Big Game i always kick the ball over the pole. 

Jen: wait so it's like the Limbo pole?

me: the next scenes are hazy. i'm explaining at an Ancient Greek powwow sesh with other twigged students that i got the inspiration to kick from a library book i checked out in the '80s. LeVar Burton came out of the TV and wrote down for me the Dewey Decimal System number of the book to get. 

LeVar Burton: and i let you borrow my library card. 

me: How to Get into Ohio State was the name of the book. at this point the students soften towards me, we all in a kumbaya moment realize that we are all at college because of one man: LeVar Burton.

Jen: i had the exact same dream, except i was the kicker for Notre Dame so i was already loved.

Martin Yan, crying: SO MUCH FOND LEFT in the wok that goes to waste, washed out with the tide because the hot pot is too hot for you.

Santa Claus: blame Dan Casagrande that you're getting coal in your Christmas stocking this year.

Julie Patzwald: at least put charcoal soap in everyone's stocking.

Mr. Furley: only i can say SMOOTH like i'm gargling.

Jen R: there is no greater feeling in the world than writing the grocery list knowing a $100 bill will be slipped into your shirtpocket soon.

Oprah: i obviously have to run on the Democratic Ticket next time. my running mate will be Pee-wee Herman.

Pee-wee Herman: for the Amish vote.

Pati Jinich: you're off me now, you've soured on me like a Teotihuacan lime. i've become a GRIND. watching me is a grind. like a grey Aztec mortar-and-pestle stone grind.

Jen R: A Christmas Story takes place during World War II, that's mindblowing to think about.

me: we thank your uncle for his service.

American Pop.

it's that outdoor wedding scene from the Tears for Fears "Advice for the Young at Heart" music video.

Benny: i'm an introvert, pops.

Zalmie: what the hell is that?

Benny: what do you want out of this marriage?

wife with a scared awkward smile: for you to smile.

Benny: I KNEW IT!!! you and mama wanted me to be a DENTIST!!! NOT a jazz pianist.

Ralph Bakshi: i mean look at this boy's TEETH!!!

Lili Marlene: it's best if you don't know the words. don't hum a few bars.

Lili Estefan: not even in Spanish. 

Palumbo: i let you marry a man who sells George Jetson refrigerators.

Stan Laurel: you never thought you'd see me as a mob boss. but i made it, baby.

The Cure: ...

the Predator's naked wife and Mary Tyler Moore are gyrating in a weird trance at the Allen Ginsberg poetry slam.

Bakshi: that's not stoned dancing, kid, that's my Rotoscope.

Bakshi: it's Rotoscope, not Gyroscope. you like how all my characters gyrate even when they're not dancing? 

Bakshi: it's Rotoscope, but it isn't cheating, i know how to draw. my stuff isn't fluid art, it's not splash painting. neither is it shock art nor transgressive art. my art is life.

Tony: they're so many generations here, i can't keep up, i'm losing track. KANSAS?!!! Kansas is the WORST state, the only two cool guys from Kansas are Kitschensyngk and Superman.

manager, both music and of the diner: elbow room?

Tony: i play the accordion.

manager: now you listen good to me. i knew Pasqually, i worked with Pasqually, and you, boy, are NO Pasqually.

Tony: great, now you're gonna lose the election. my elbows need room to collect more grease on the tips of the elbows so they can wash more dishes, i am a Greaser after all.

manager: i think the Palmolive Lady is hot.

Tony: holy shit i'm gonna fuck the hippie version of Carol Burnett!!!

Tony: i'm really looking like Jack Tripper here.

Suzy Lu: what i meant was i can't have kids NOW...

Trinity the cat: when i snore i sound like Q*bert.

NoizeBoy: to be or not to be, is that still the question?...

Jillian Clare: see? see, NoizeBoy? you can do it if you want to. my shy guy.

NoizeBoy: can i join your Shakespeare class? not as a cameraman but as a student?

Ms. Krause: i teach the class so yes, i could use another boy toy, my previous didn't develop.

Jillian: NoizeBoy, i want you to come out of your shell and be a booming leading-man stage Hamlet.

Hamlet: a histrionic Hamlet.

NoizeBoy: only if there are Taco Bell shells.

Julie Patzwald: our new goth-band name? Egret Regret.

Muenster: the Cheetos cheese.

Solitaire: tragically starting the whole "it's okay to be alone" movement.

Ingmar Bergman: i would have cast Gale Sondergaard as the Wicked Witch of the West, in an absurd sense.

Hugh Grant: just grilling some Nathan's hot dogs on my tiny barbecue on my tiny front lawn outside my flat.

Nigella Lawson: this Twiglet looks like my ex's cock.

Talia at Hugh Grant's flat beside the cat bowl: the old cat food is dried-on like cement.

woman on Instagram: hey don't post my videos on your Instagram Stories.

Dirg: sorry.

Trent Reznor: Where Is Everybody?.........Fermi paradox.

Thomas Merton: put on this robe.

Robert Frost: now what?

Thomas Merton: you look like me if i had lived.

Jen R: so what should we do for Thanksgiving? turkey pizza?

JUST THEN Jackie Fitzgerald knocks on our door with a LOUD thud.

Jackie Fitzgerald: hello, sunshines. i brought over some turkey pot pie i cooked for you two lovebirds.

Jen: we're not really together but we're together all the time, it's complicated. you BAKED babe!!!

me: this is GENIUS, Jackie!!! TURKEY POT PIE!!! Thanksgiving-style!!! 

Jackie: yeah, with all the trimmings. the peas, the carrots, the potatoes, the turkey pieces, all drowning in gravy inside the shell. that fucking FLAKY crust tho.

me: i can see why all the young men chase you around the yard. you feed them.

Jen: yeah, boys in this new Republican world will not know how to cook.

Jackie: i'm 70 but i look 30.

Jen: like your latest boy toy, i finally caught a glimpse of him under the fence as he was beating up a leaf blower.

me: he looks like a tall skinny He-Man.

Jen: black leather motorcycle battle jacket, mute, he looks like he's fresh off a prison chain gang.

Jackie: his name is Gunther but he's not Swedish.

Jen: i love that your front-porchlight is a pink lightbulb, turned on when you're fucking, that is so like a brothel.

Jackie: turned on when i'm turned on.

me: the entire neighborhood sees the orange glow coming from your bedroom.

Jen: do you have a pink motorcycle parked in your back lawn?  

Jackie: yes, leaning on a kickstand. the Soundgarden song "Kickstand" playing in the background.

Jen: you're so Barbiecore.

me: you almost hit me with your pink Mazda Miata on my way back from my morning walk!!! as i sauntered past your property. i can smell the mawk of your combined cum emanating from your house in the morning, it's like hot waffles. when your front wood gate slides open, WATCH OUT!!! like a bullet. speed kills, ma'am.

Jen: Jackie was channeling her inner Dusty Springfield.

Jackie: sorry. i must've been distracted from all the fucking i was doing last night that a woman my age really shouldn't be getting up to. 

  

Jen: let's cuddle.

me: your cuddle is my hope.

Jen: save the spooning for us, not that big-ass heavy PEWTER soup-spoon ladle in the Thanksgiving turkey soup. 

I DIDN'T AMOUNT TO MUCH, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT: McRIB SAUCE

 

 

Jen R: where you been?

me: i took my new best friend Michael German to Lohengrin. i thought with the German thing and all he'd get a kick out of it. here's how it went:

me: what a spectacle!!! a sight to see!!! feast for the eyes!!!

after the first two minutes.

Michael German: i'm bored, i'm gonna take a 4-hour nap. wake me when the fat-lady Viking with the big brass tits sings.

me: i found those 4 hours exhilarating. the opera was complicated in a way where i was awake and alert all night without Coke for the first time in my life.

dad: did you think of me? that was my first. time without TheraFlu.

Jen: wait is this the thing where Richard Wagner falls in love with Nietzsche?

me: that said, Rent was better.

Jen: have you noticed that all of our classmates went on to be doctors? every single one of them, a surgeon with no mental illness and two families!!!

Flo from Alice: talking blues, when i talk you can't tell i have a thick Southern accent.

Mel from Mel's Diner: i'm no pseud. i'm street-smart.

Sartre: not Sartre-smart.

Trinity the cat: you can tell when you look DEEP into my eyes that i don't believe ANY of your bullshit.

Julie Patzwald: the name of our goth band? Three Hail Marys.

Anthony Bourdain: i saw through it all...

Ms. Krause to me: imagine if i had taken you under my acting wing in 6th Grade.........and then we eventually would be in a Sam Taylor-Johnson/Aaron Taylor-Johnson situation.

Carmel Hotel: did you notice? on Saturday morning ALL our white barriers cover ALL our windows.........our guests have fun on Friday night.

atmospheric-river season.

PG&E: A-HA!!! GOTCHA!!! the power didn't go out!!! the underground lines worked!!! don't celebrate, this is only Day One.

Marty McFly: my puffy jacket is ICONIC.

George Costanza in Gore-Tex: ...

Jerry Seinfeld in a Count of Monte Cristo shirt: ... 

Tai: Tittibhasana is our specialty pose here at the yoga shoppe, for all chests.

Swedish meatballs: titti means "look".........at my titties.

Georgia Kernell: at Berkeley Anime Club tonight we have Grave of the Fireflies.

Michael Weiss: my head is FILLED with that Instagram elevator music attached to every video.

Mark Hapka: don't blame me, i only do the 11:11 videos, that's not music, those are chants.

Gemini AI: i'm not creepy, i'm knowledgeable. my voice is the clerk from Night Court (2023).

Sailor Jupiter: how do women and men relate to each other? romantic love is messy, just be deeply-close friends.

JFK: i staged my own death because i needed some time away with Marilyn Monroe and she was obsessed with James Bond movies.

Roger Federer: i'm sorry, Rafa. i can help you with your transition into retirement. friends?

Rafael Nadal: friends. come away with me back to Mallorca for small-village kisses and steak in a clay pot.

Roger: i want to go to Mallorca only to see where the Geico Caveman honeymooned with his human wife.

Rafa: damn it, dude. and i was just about to offer you my tortillas. i was going to go to Dartmouth to study how to get a Mid-Atlantic accent to my voice. but all these plans are now up in the air.

Better Homes & Gardens Magazine: we're shrink-wrapped for a reason. secret recipes. secret Zillow listings. you can't get to us.

Hoop Dreams: this is not Blade Runner. this is 3 hours of PBS basketball school.

Hoop Dreams: Public Enemy is fine, but our theme song should have been the City Guys theme song.

American Pop.

Ralph Bakshi: i did Rock Odyssey first.

me: two minutes in and i'm already crying at this. this is your masterpiece, Ralph Bakshi.

Jen R: right? it's been so long since i've experienced that FLUID Bakshi Rotoscope animation.

chorus slip: song lyrics so the audience can sing along, not the burlesque dancers' underwear.

Zalmie: have you ever fucked a clown?

Bakshi: i made taking off a clown suit SEXY. 

Zalmie: a stripper can be a rose. if you're in show business.

Louie: come on, Zalmie, you could get any broad not in here, you're a good-looking guy, you're a good-looking Pisan. you're not a raviolihead. you look like Tommy DeVito, quarterback for the New York Giants.

Zalmie trying to stay calm: okay but why do the dancing girls have no pupils? in their eyes.

Bakshi: speed. speed kills, kid. the speed of the animators. tobacco is nasty, you can only spit it out on your spitshine shoes.

Fritz the Cat: the American population is 300 million...

Sophie Tucker: i can't do vaudeville comedy no more, i can only sing songs of interminable tragedy, i'm from Ukraine.

Humphrey Bogart: HEY it's Oliver Hardy!!!

Oliver Hardy: i'm not here for the girls, i'm here for the pretzels, the real bar pretzels.

Jen R: hey Ralphie, this piece is really getting to me, i can FEEL just how DEEPLY personal this story that you wanted to do is for you, about losing a parent to the pogroms at an early age, about immigration, about losing your other parent at a young  age in the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire. no magic here, no Hobbit stuff, no Triangle Triforce magic to save your folks.

Ralph Bakshi: call we what you want, but i use the SMALL ACTORS no one wants.

Instagram: don't you like how there's an emoji for fax machine?

NoizeBoy: hello. i'm NoizeBoy. i was born just right, right place right time, set up for success geographically and timewise, granted this station in life where i'm afforded the opportunity to suck Jillian Clare's magnificently BIG TITS. i mean those things, those puppies, are BIG DELICATES. i like Jillian's dog, too. i don't say much, so much so everybody thinks i'm a mute. i'm Jillian's cameraman, and i'm.........well.........i'm just very lucky.

Jillian Clare:  i have a thing for time. the capriciousness of time. Somewhere in Time. Anton Yelchin in a Marty McFly puffy jacket is in my spank bank. that woulda been a rad reboot. i crushed so hard on Michael J. Fox as a kid, it seemed i was the only one. 

Chuck Woolery on QVC selling fishing lures: we'll be back in 2 and 2.

Melissa Maker, QVC host: um, this show stays on the air for 17 hours straight without a commercial.

Chuck: speaking of Canada, i'll never get to see the America i so desperately voted for...

Marty McFly: can i sell my puffy jacket on QVC? it's starting to smell.

Talia: WorldCat, i like to read.

Capp: WE'RE ALL ON A TIMETABLE HERE, PEOPLE!!!

Eminem: mom told me to believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. where's Kim?

Bollywood: if you're from India, your last name shall be Shetty.

Gwen Stefani: a no-doubter is when i hit a home run.........in life.........like when i married Gavin Rossdale.

Jen R: do the cats JUMP into your Christmas tree and go nuts searching for nuts?

me: my favorite Christmas tree now is the S.Pellegrino sparkling-water wine-bottle wood rack at Safeway. 

Jen: remember when every kid at school had the Blood Sugar Sex Magik album? 

me: Magik in the backpack.

Jen: that album would move from backpack to backpack, jump from backpack to backpack. Anthony Kiedis's chest muscles are reminding me to take my blood sugar this afternoon at Intensive Care.

me: which Golden Girls sequel was the best?

Jen: The Golden Palace, because it sounded like a Chinese restaurant, my favorite place to hang out. i hate how A Christmas Story did Chinese restaurants dirty.

we end the day at McDonald's as always. there's a clock on the wall above the counter, a sun tattoo that starts singing "Santeria" by Sublime:

sun-tattoo clock, singing: I practice Santeria/ my crystal ball is a tattoo/ my heina no like Heinz ketchup she like the McDonald's ketchup in the Dixie cup/ tell that Sanchito that if he come round here i'll call him Sancho and congratulate him on a game of love well-played/ what i really wanna know, ah baby mhmm, what i really wanna say: it's half past one...

Ronald McDonald comes to our table and SLAPS the McRib out of my hand.

Jen: hey Ronald Reagan McDonald, after all this was the ultimate '80s spot, right? where's my JUG of McRib Sauce, i wanna pour it over my salad.

Morgan Spurlock: this is why i died.

Ronald McDonald: the McRib is NASTY. you always think it's gonna taste better THIS TIME but it doesn't. the Maple Bourbon BBQ Whopper from Burger King is the way to go.

Jen: does McDonald's serve peppermint schnapps? you know, for the holidays?

me: i can only stomach sweet drinks.

Jen: so, peppermint vodka?

back home. sipping rich cream.

Jen: let's cuddle. speaking of spooning, why doesn't McDonald's have silver spoons?

me: your cuddle is my hope. why don't you go to church anymore?

Jen: church songs are boring, i always wanted Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson to sing "Beauty and the Beast" at my church.

BEDE'S PATIENCE: PATIENT #3: DOCTOR, HEAL THYSELF WITH FUDGE

 

Michael German: can you heal me, doc?

Bede: no. you're a doctor, heal yourself. 

Michael: that's a cop-out!!!

Bede: as it says in the Good Book, do people read The Bible anymore? The Bible's in paperback now, right? physician, heal thyself. quack cures are a dime a dozen. nappies are numerous. easy-fixes are easy. what you need is a deep-tissue-massage of your soul. 

Michael: mom told me about people like you. where do i get one of those?

Bede: what's the problem?

Michael: beautiful women flirt with me all the time at work.

Bede: sounds like a personal problem to me.

Michael: no it's a public problem because i need your help. also, my neck hurts, i can't move my neck side-to-side.

Bede: there seems to be a lot of that going around.

Michael: my doctorship taught me about your monkitude.

Bede: that's a monk with attitude.

Michael: and a monk with ALTITUDE as you live high on this mountain.

Bede: and high on marijuana. we grow the pot here, our own personal THC field, no one disturbs us up here because no one knows. that's what the monks do all day with those rakes you see everywhere. you can't be surprised, we monks need SOME dope to cope.

Michael: my patient, his mom, whenever she laughs watching the "Thanksgiving Orphans" episode of Cheers or football in the snow she starts to cough continuously for hours. that triggers her small diaphragm. i actually really feel bad for her.

Bede: are you sure you're not just jealous she still experiences the joy of laughter and you do not?

Michael: she's a saint, she has a pious laugh, you'd like her.

Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Wesley T. Owens from Mr. Belvedere split a holodeck.

Wesley Crusher: we are The Two Wesleys, The Two Great Wesleys of the 1980s.

Wesley T. Owens: did i die from an overdose?

Corey Haim: spacedust was Saturday Morning Cereal.

Wesley T. Owens: who was the better Wesley?

Wesley Crusher: my mom would have healed your dad's nagging baseball injury so he wouldn't have had to even MEET that damn British butler.

Chiaotzu: am i supposed to be the Butters of Dragon Ball?

Kenny: why am i a character on South Park?

Goku: hey Chiaotzu, i got you a Chia Pet for Christmas.

Chiaotzu: GOKU TALKED TO ME!!!

Goku: a Bob Ross Chia Pet. my hair is wackier than Bob Ross's hair.

Sid and Nancy.

The Three Stooges: this feels like one of our operas.

Nancy Spungen: damn, i really look like Courtney Love in this scene.

Michael Jackson: this looks like the set of my Pepsi commercial when i caught my illustrious hair on fire.

Nancy: i'm calling you Sod, not Sid.

Jen R at the Hotel Chelsea in New York City: i mean when two lovers in a bed talk, shouldn't it be about the future? not about death?

grandma: fib, when's the last time you heard the word fib?

Phil Donahue: the methadone clinic, that was so '80s.

Geraldo: is that like meth?

Phil Donahue: remember Thanksgiving in the '80s?

uncle: what are your intentions with our Nancy?

Sid Vicious: noddy-blinkums, grandpa sir. peppermint schnapps for Happy Christmas.

John Davidson: '70s rec room with Pong.

at the motel room with buckets of KFC.

Sid: Nancy, your folks are such nice people. i never knew your grandma had such big tits!!!

at the methadone clinic.

Sy Richardson, caseworker: as long as you're on drugs, nobody will take anarchy seriously. and anarchy NEEDS to be taken seriously to combat the CIA's dumb-making smack.

Sid and Nancy: what are these drinks?

Sy: orange juice cures drug addiction.

Sid: hey i sound pretty good solo when i'm imitating The Clash.

Nancy: was it love or a suicide pact?

Sid: isn't that what love is?

Johnny Rotten: Public Image Ltd. was my attempt at New Order.

Ellen DeGeneres: i'm here in Britain, i live here now and i'm never going back to the United States.........i just DID what everyone WANTS to do. i have two roommates: Portia de Rossi and Eva Longoria.

Helen Roper: Winstanley.

Sid: school lockers should have padlocks, not combination locks. steamed fish and melon in all school cafeterias. Guns N' Roses as your junior-prom band. Siouxsie and the Banshees as your senior-prom band. i'm not gonna stick my tongue out and flash the V-finger flickoff fuckoff just to please the masses. this is a serious discussion about the broken educational system in the UK.

John Lydon: i'm not always angry like i was portrayed in this film. champagne and baked beans? i'm non-Scouse British, beans are always in tomato sauce, so Bloody Marys are my drink. bloody Bloody Marys. it's not my fault the actor who played me is a shortarse bean-slurper. i am not the lead singer of The Psychedelic Furs.

drug dealer: you two are RUDE!!! you aren't punks, you are one rudeboy and his rudegirl!!!

Wimpy: i find that a hamburger is the perfect distraction...

Courtney Love: Kurt and i weren't the grunge Sid and Nancy, Howard Stern called me a hog, not a junk hog. and i could never with that poor cat.

Greykid with majestic stride: Cat Vicious is not cool. put a flea collar on a cat, not a spiked punk collar no matter how cool it is. we cats follow our own muse.

Kurt Cobain: cats are punk rock.

Robert De Niro: oy, why wasn't MY taxicab all magic like that?  

Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day singing at Berkeley Plaza: i wanna be a Minority.........actually what i really want to be is Minor Threat.

dad: down with the Moral Majority!!! yeah i always loved that Green Day song, i was never much a fan of the Moral Majority either.

me: oh dad, what innocent times you lived in, oh papa, that was NOTHING compared to the INSANITY we have today.

Lisa Simpson: The Simpsons now, right? our show no longer inspires the nostalgia it once did, now it only inspires anger.

Tina Belcher: Bob's Burgers, too, our show is a GRIND.

Star Wars: Skeleton Crew: it's Captain EO!!!

FDA inspector on Check, Please! Bay Area: how the fuck do i make enough money for a plate of 36 oysters every weekend?!!!

Leslie Sbrocco: where does people's money come from? i've never been able to figure that out. did you check the food for lice? 

at the WB Ranch.

Teen Titans animators: Warner Bros. has been very very good to us. we HATE that we had to do fucking 400 motherfucking episodes of this stupid show. but it fed our bellies. and it fed our beliefs, it made us religious. it made us have kids. 

Roger Federer: gracias, Rafa. vamos.

Rafael Nadal: don't gracias Rafa me, i've known your GAME from the start. how do you thank your trashmen in the Friday morning?

Roger: i say to them gracias, garbagemen.

Rafa: see?!!! if it wasn't for tennis I'D be one of those trashmen!!! a trashman from Mallorca. 

Gary Kildall: you know, decaf coffee smells just as RICH as caf coffee.

Bede: you're a handsome man.

Michael German: thank you.

Bede: no, that's your problem. you have those piercing blue eyes. 

Michael: women are attracted to me, my wife hates that.

Bede: but these people are your patients, they're not flirting with you, they want you to heal them. i won't heal your neck that can't move side-to-side, so you won't have to look at any more pretty ladies. 

Michael: my wife thanks you.

Bede: to a monk that means nothing.

Michael: you know i never understood lollipops. the lollipops i hand out to my patients, especially the adult patients. i just want to suck the candy, i don't need the stick!!! what's the point of the stick?!!! just sell the candy!!!

Bede: you don't have a sweet tooth, you have cavities.

Michael: got anything for the pain, doc?

Bede: MONK FUDGE!!! it's the only thing we're allowed to make as monks in this hellhole we call the monastery. the only food we're allowed to eat. and drink. it's the only thing we're allowed to sell. fill your piehole with the saints' sugar.

Michael: isn't fruitcake a pie?

Bede: lop your sweet tooth clean off!!! with monk fudge. with Catholic chocolate.

Michael: my second opinion is you use sugar as your substitute for sex.

Bede: the neck thing is your penance. what is your Confession?

Michael: mom was right. mom wanted me to be a dentist, not an ears/nose/throat, not a swallow doctor.