LANCE LEAR: PURPLE REIGN

 

ACT I CANTO I FOLIO I:

Lance Lear: HEAR YE HEAR YE. i am your new king. i of the bike, not referring to women tho i have three daughters. i have the most heartsick premonition something terrible will befall my family before nightbreak this Christmas season.

an elephant howls.

Lovato: i'm a daughter. i'm the first one in the whole kingdom to drink fluid. see everything around these parts is frozen solid, the land is one big ice cube. 

Hampshire: i'm a daughter. i've perfected the perfect way to slide into some very important person's DM to ask them out on a date. say, a foreign royal or someone. simply walk straight up to them, enter their DM with confidence and type:

i find you attractive

Floth: i changed my name from Debbie Gibson which was too generic. i needed my name to reflect all the Victorian lace i wear to bed. i'm the coolest chick you'll ever meet. nothing gets me down, i'm STILL on the search for my first husband even though i'm a very old woman now. for after all, what else is there but love?

Lance Lear: on this day i can finally report some good news around here: Prince has returned! my son Danny Fenster has been released from captivity from Myanmar. or the Kingdom of Burma. or Paris Parish as Goddess likes to call it. he'll be coming home soon...

Lance Lear: our first mission is to capture the bicycle of legend forged by the gods that is said to be the fastest bike in all the land. again, not referring to the village whore. we must capture each part of the bike Inuyasha-style. let's start with the crankshaft so i can stop masturbating. it's located on the other side of the lake.

daughters: but father, how big is the lake?

Lance Lear: as big as the world.

Boc: so it turns out all the watering on the lawn i've been doing warped the wood of the mailbox pole and the mailbox came crashing down into World 8. wish the Treehouse had stronger branches.

The Midnight: we're not pathetic, we're synthetic.

Roger Federer: baseball is a Republican sport.

Kevin Costner: Fuerza's in Iowa.

Roger: tennis is a Democrat sport.

Sampras: don't worry, i left that Tennis dude on the sands of Hawaii someplace where no one will ever find him again...

Dirg: nobody's ever around during Fall, everybody's in school. nobody's around in summer, everybody's on vacation. during winter everybody's cold and not around. during Spring everybody's drinking pumpkin spice lattes.

Howard Hesseman: i was Shane McDermott's father. that's why he never had a career, cos I was obsessed with having an acting career myself.

Zyra Gorecki: my name sounds familiar. but i was getting tarred long before the Paralympians made life tolerable for us.

Dirg: gotta dig homeboy with the shin tat...

Karen Allen: no Nazis, okay? no Nazis. isn't that Rule #1 in Hollywood?: No Nazis.

President The Rock in the future: i will get the vaccine.........but only if the doctor administering it is all tatted up like me.

The Midnight: wait we're considered nerd rock?

Tyzik: all around Instagram, everywhere happening all the time: business deals...

Rubikon: my butt pimple doesn't hurt anymore.........but it itches.

Atom Egoyan: i am atomful gunk. remember the three frozen keys to life: long sleep, long shower, long coffee

crones: the beautiful Mindimooyenh helped us around that tricky creek to our spirit hut. there our crone family expanded. 

Doryce: how now brown cow. not you, Thandie, the Mindimooyenh.

Thandie Newton: where is the love, people!!! where are my people? where is my tribe? it's not that i'm a bitch that i'm alone, i just need to find the strongest tribe.

Gladyce: Thandie dear, you are a Mindimooyenh in the body of a young woman.

peacock: i am not the phoenix, i am not television i am real life. i am emerging enduring eternal Myanmar. of the brown and the poor. i've taken over Fort White...

Codrus: my white light's not working...

Kate Cross: i have the most British name since July 12, 927.

Uncle Sigh: no i don't have any Ivermectin.

David Duchovny sits down at the Audit table and turns on his blue-halo electric toothbrush.

recruiter: join us for better parts and roles. we'll let Fox Mulder finally have sex.

David Duchovny: i believed in aliens before you guys.

recruiter: you're too weird for us here at Scientology.

Katrina: i'm legal now.

Dirg: i only wear ankle-high socks now. they don't tear holes in the toes cos they can't ride up and ride down. it's gonna be ankle socks the rest of my life. next time we go Christmas shopping at Macy's...

Calhoun Obec: the crones go to an estate sale lugging their shiny gold baubles and tiny clocks for a taping of an episode of PBS's Treasure Road House.

Dirg: good lick i mean good luck

Sharon Olds: old soul. but i have the perfect white hair to take over as matron of the cottage of crones once that weirdly secret Washington Post deigm leaves.

Juxtapoz: just give us a minute...

Madame Pons: one of my girls told me she wouldn't get involved with any man who had under 10,000 followers.

Dirg: there is no point in following a married woman on Instagram...

President Biden: i'm not flicking you off, i have an itchy nose.

Pat: once you've had a nervous breakdown you can't have another one, right? i can't keep this lifestyle up anymore i'm dying. i've lost the love of my life too many times. to every circumstance.

Pat is aboard a pirate ship on the lake. about to face off with fence against Scott Trimble. Pat's knees are trembling.

Pat who puts on his gold earring: this is my last chance at love. my last gasp to get off this tub! for Jennifer Pizarro!

Scott Trimble wearing a tattered pirate T-shirt for a skullcap: i knew her one year before you, i'll always be ahead you'll always be behind, she's got a great behind. you'll always be chasing i'll always be attracting.

Pat: we'll see. foils up my foil!

on the plank Jennifer Pizarro sits, her long beautiful blonde shiny mana-energy hair shimmering shaky snakes attracting up to the stars strands lighting up the blackest of soul nights.

Pizarro: i shall not cut my hair like Fena just to indicate i'm an independent woman who don't need no man, a serious character not a flake.

on a rowboat by this ship another battle is about to commence: that of Boc and Sir Lawn Sprinkler...

in the offing of both boats, in the fog, Sarah Rainsford is under Russian rain:

Sarah Rainsford: my name is JULIA IOFFE!!! I'M COOL I'M COOL!!!

Michael Nader: the nadir of my career wasn't the sudden untreatable form of cancer, it was the backstabbing backtracking of the contract. someone's word is more valuable than someone's life. all my children? only had one. the Lebanese soccer team owes me everything and we will get to the bottom of the explosion...

Barbara Eden: i got my Genie Jeannie powers from Uncle Sigh.

Edward Packard receiving a Wells Fargo telegram: i'm the new host of Jeopardy? i want Ken Jennings to deliver this news in a strip-o-gram in front of my mountain log cabin.

betches: i'm doing this one straight:

Delta is going away cos i catch feelings for all things toxic and i ghosted him. Delta that is.

Thank Yew

Rubikon: Salinas High doesn't need a Shoe Game, it needs a shoe to the face.

Jim Cantore: where is me?!!! Jim in the wind!!!

brown ocean: it's not what you think

Ed Asner: on the day of my death i played the German grandpa knifeman on Fena.........i wasn't the voice of the animated character i actually WAS the character!

Michael Weiss going under a mummy x-ray tunnel: stoners and dweebs, stoners and dweebs, that's all Instagram is.

Dirg: do you know how painful it's gonna be for me when i turn on Instagram one day to see a pic of a baby the baby of an Instagram chick i've been following for 13 years since i was in the 7th grade?.........another man's baby. without having seen the Boyfriend Pic first! without having seen the Kiss Pic first!

Ethan Hawke on the set of Dead Poets Society: I made poetry hot again. i so didn't want to laugh at Robin Williams but he made me. that's why i have crooked teeth to this day, it's all from me grinding my teeth down trying not to laugh.

Celine: your teeth are from my blowjobs.

Ethan Hawke: do you know how hard it is to be 13 years old and needing to be a serious actor? the pressure caved in my butthole.

The Walking Dead: this show never ends! this show is a zombie!

Laertus: i want to be one of those background characters in an SNL skit with no lines who just walks across the stage.

Doritos: but did we have to shade Blockbuster Video tho?

Rolling Stones: love is strong.

Cecily Strong: i know.

N!xau: i have a deep understanding of Less. from Mr. Maldark's class. i share with Less 3 cars simultaneously.

Ethan Hawke: how you doing?

Celine: my broken heart from you will never be mended. as for my broken bones i got that hot Croatian doc on ER tending me...

Ethan: for your bee stings?

Gladyce: here, dear.

Doryce: why are you handing me a fork next to the toaster? it looks like the newest Star Trek spork starship. are you trying to tell me something, dear?
Gladyce: subtweet something? no no the fork is for your English muffin, dear, that's how you open an English muffin.

Hugh Jackman: you know why my marriage lasted? my future wife and i both got food poisoning on our second date.

Selena Gomez: i was offered wine as a kid at that same restaurant.

Prefontaine: i was the Joker without makeup.

Dirg: this is gonna be a BRUTAL 9/11 anniversary this year...

on the series finale of Squidbillies: the true author of the Georgia Guidestones is revealed.........it's Early Cuyler.

Madame Pons: wait people go on Instagram just to go shopping?

Gladyce: it's tricky cos you have to empty your bladder AND ALSO drink a cup of tea to keep yourself hydrated before you go to The Store for grocerying.

Dirg: woe is the couple that divorces because the man doesn't wear a mask and the woman does.

Mardith: exact opposite with my folks.

Dirg: Swedish Fish are making an effort. they're foreigners but they do live in this country now. they've introduced red-white-and-blue Swedish fish.

Laertus: they're trying to be more Republican?

Dirg: no, American.

Roberto Benigni: people said i was on drugs but i was just happy. i was benign.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Dirg: i vaguely recall a Mexican doing Hair on Head of the Class...

Hair: we were Rent before Rent.

Eye Luggage: Purple Rain and go.

Laertus: this movie is exactly a real-life '80s anime.

Prince: yes. i am the anime hero in the frilly Victorian clothes riding my anime scooter saving the anime princess.

Takahashi: okay we gotta talk about the bike.

Lance Lear: ...

Takahashi: Prince's motorcycle here is fucking Hondamatic.

Piston Honda: named after me...

Takahashi: first generation, built especially for Prince! only one of its kind in the whole universe! for space flight! 

crying teary-eyed doves: you only decided to watch this film after watching the music video of "When Doves Cry". you saw this intense family drama behind closed doors and needed to see more. more domestic violence.

Dave Chappelle: without me the world forgets...

Prince: you want the pronunciation of my Symbol? it's pronounced Puppet. i like puppets. it could be worse, all geniuses have their quirk.

Bakugo: shut up! eat my snocone!

Apollonia Kotero: i only did this to actually become a singer in real life and make my girl group famous. it didn't really happen. i didn't really become an actress either. i shoulda just become a zodiac gypsy like my mother wanted me to.

Dirg: i commend you for not going into porn with those tits of yours. naturals? 

Jennifer Beals: i hear ya, sister. i would have done the role myself but i went back to school to earn my ability to open a chain of schools for girls in Afghanistan.

Oprah: i'm Othello's mom.

Karlatos: i am Olga Ospina's mom. i am more known for this movie than for creating Greek curry which was served to every member of the Before crew.

Wendy Melvoin: i survived the casting couch during my career cos i found my sweetie long before i entered the biz. she was my saweetie, Lisa Coleman dances better than me in bed. 

Lisa Coleman: can't compete with Apollonia's...

Wendy: i was picked to be on Prince's posse cos i could swing my hips with guitar in hand. what Billy Corgan did to my brother i hope Billy rots in hell. Billy likes to flirt with the occult and yet claim he's still Christian, you can't have it both ways, Billy! i really wish my brother had joined the Melvins instead...

Purple Rain soundtrack: this is the greatest soundtrack of all time. no other soundtrack has produced hits that went on to top the charts and sell 1117 million copies. that's because this is a real album not a soundtrack album. like imagine if Nevermind was the soundtrack to Trainspotting and instead of a baby on the cover it was Prince swimming naked in a lake. the Purple Rain music was so good it made women go bald.

Prince: i'm a better Billy anyway. it's weird i come for Minneapolis, Minnesota ain't exactly a hotbed for cultural creative groundbreaking art. it's not a scene like Seattle. then again, Garbage is a Wisconsin band.

Butch Vig: Garbage is an L.A. band.

Shirley Manson: Garbage is a Scottish band.

Prince: this is unrealistic, bands don't COMPETE like this. this ain't a Vikings/Green Bay Super Bowl.  all bands want ALL bands to succeed so they succeed and everyone succeeds. the point is to spread ALL the art to ALL the people.

Kurt Cobain: i wish you would have told that to Axl Rose...

Prince: Graffiti Bridge is all yours, Kurt.

Morris: i was trying not to laugh the whole time i was saying all my lines. ladies, more butt, less gab. more ass, less you have written musical compositions yourself you want to play.

girl group girls: um, can you stop talking to us in pimp?

Prince: holy DANG girl those are some big tits. naturals?

Apollonia: i don't get the whole Lake Minnetonka thing. baptism? mikveh? other car than Honda?

Prince: Lake Minnetonka is Santa Claus.

Dirg: Prince slapping his bitch, that wouldn't fly in any movie now. the '80s were special...

Mardith: it does show the cycle of abuse tho.

Morris: you a sexy motherfucker.

Apollonia: as long as you don't call me a fatherfucker.

Prince: the sex scenes were tame. not like my real sex. tho they did keep that one scene of me fucking in a barn, that was my tribute to The Sweet Hereafter.

Prince: i dedicate this performance of "Darling Nikki" to all the moms out there.

Tipper Gore in booty shorts twerks to this song on the dancefloor.

Prince: hey mama, hey Tipper, nice moves. i love that you put a sticker on my album. stickers are cool, they're indie and underground and skate punk.

Rubikon: well this turned dank. from suicide by gun to suicide by hanging.

Dirg: dark.

Laertus's dad: i get those chills and shivers, too. i think too much and start to see visions of my death and there isn't an arcade around.

Prince: dad, i'm glad i got my musical talent from you and not your anger.

Prince's dad: my initials are FL. not Francis, Father. as in Fuck my Life i live in Florida. never marry, son.........unless you're trying to save your mother.

Prince: this was Wendy's composition. 

Wendy Melvoin: this was written by Jonathan.

Laertus: that's gotta be a meme. when the crying club manager through sunglasses is tearing up to Prince's performance of "Purple Rain". he OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN nods and mutters to himself,

yeah. yeah. yeah. i was wrong. yeah, this is good.

as "Purple Rain" plays the Library of Congress cries and thinks of its father...

Prince ends the performance by spraying the crowd with his guitar.

Michal Weiss in an all-purple jumpsuit: at least the movie ends with cum.

the film ends with Prince onstage hugging David Foster Wallace.

Prince: g'night, folks.

the daughters arrive at the other side of the lake. but the lake is frozen.

the Gorton Fisherman runs his ragged laptop computer through the chapel of rest. he solemnly water-only bathes the rest of his life. in memory of his son who was hooked he each night in the harbourmaster shanty prepares the steak the way Kyle's favorite restaurant used to. and he makes the Italian salad dressing house with not one but two cloves of garlic. not one but two chunks of parmesan. and a whole Granny Smith tomato.

the daughters enter the other castle to the sound of the court musician Buckingham leading them to his queen with a Lied.

Buckingham: when i scream now it's a soft song. i'm over Stevie this time...

the daughters bow.

Emilia: what sorcery is this!

daughters: yours.

Emilia: quite right. if you're here for the bicycle it's not here. the cycle is. what's the deal! why is Level 1 already the Ice Level! you take this back to your father.

daughters: these look like needles.

Emilia: quite. these'll make your dad fast. dragon pricks straight from the dragon's tail. it's not like I'M gonna use them. i'm not gonna scratch myself with these pricks to make my face look older.........okay i did that once and it felt glorious!