LANCE LEAR: HOT LUNCH

 

toman: war doesn't divide people, money does. well gold does.

Tunisia Hardison: i shoulda replaced Denise on A Different World. wait i ain't auditioning for the wrong show now! it's Lion King not Tiger King!!!

a skint skinny boy in a jewfro on top of an electric bicycle, the first electric bicycle ever, roams the dingy streets of New York City looking for Tony Dungy. but alas Tony is nowhere to be found in the Roman pizzerias. boy looks up and sees a helicopter whirlybirding its way in a spiral falling with great haste speed and intention aiming for his nose. but he's livin' his dream today not dyin' it.

boy: good thing this bike wheel was electrical. i needed to be in that parade. does this near-death experience force me into becoming a doctor? nah, being an actor is harder.

Lance Lear: i am feeling quite blue.

Lovato: what can i help you with today, father? need a pick me up? this call is being monitored for quality control.

Lance: i need someone to call my own.

Hampshire: you had that. with mom.

Lance: i'm not looking for a spring chickadee fresh off falling into the lake from her nest cos she can't fly without the worm. i need a bird who's divebombed an ocean or two.

Floch: we'll help you locate. scope up, zero in. but where?

Lance: well the local zoos. okay there's only one zoo. and it's an illegal zoo. i dunno, but i sense her near. check the gaols.

Laertus: why does everyone on Instagram have a death wish?

Max Kellerman: you can tell from my mumbling muttering voice i cannot BELIEVE i'm stuck doing this stupid This Just In show.

Deku: ...

the crones are at the post office.

Doryce: can you take my name off the Junk Mail List?

Postmaster General: um, you can't do that. that's, uh, not a thing.

Doryce: i mean it's like the whole world is constantly conspiring to make you unsuccessful. i don't want to be saddled with a bulk i have my own.

Gladyce: hello, dear. can you direct me to wear i can go to take me name off the Junk Mail List?

Gladyce clumsily tips over two Coke cans holding up a tower of unprocessed paper and plain envelopes which caldera-crater to the ground teetering the foundation of the office.

Gladyce: not my fault! i'm 500 years old.

Andy Cohen: related to George M but he legally changed his name. ever dip in the lady pond?

Oprah: not unless a sword's coming out of it!!!

Takahashi travels to Adak Island with Dirg to go to the McDonalds there.

Takahashi: get the lead out, soldier! ass in gear!

Dirg: *huffing and puffing*  not from you!

Takahashi: don't you want to experience Jurassic Park and Bobby's World for the first time? with '90s prices?

Dirg: is an abandoned McDonalds the same as an abandoned mall?

Theranos: WE revived poetry.

President Biden: yeah we'll hook Nicki Minaj up with a doctor. my roommate in college was Dr Drew...

Lady Christy Carlson Romano wearing a green pointy triangle hat with veil: they said i would have been Princes Diary if my name had been Christy Carlson Parmesan.

Lady Annamarie Tendler wearing a red pointy triangle hat with veil: the B on Anne Boleyn's necklace doesn't stand for Baby. it stand for Breadcrumbs.

Michael Weiss at Barnard: remember, if a hot chick's on Instagram, it's because her life didn't turn out the way she planned.

Dirg: when there's nothing else around i cut the blue necrotid toenail on my big toe and an almondy almighty cyanide smell wafts up. this combined with the smell of wet socks in my hamper provide me my high.

Dai Paterson: i'm the Australian Adam Lambert.

Gladyce: when the red nightlight remains on even after the curtains are open, that's a good sign, that means it's a gloomy day.

Doryce: overcast is more open, allows for the nudge bar.

Gladyce: Fall doesn't come without a fall. to experience the new season you need the right stream.

Boc: when i went out watering today i saw a strange ufo-shaped object.

Sir Lawn Sprinkler: whatever was it my good man. filler?

Boc: filling. looked like the cream filling of a giant Oreo lodged in the trunk of a tree. it could have either been cream, marshmallow, foamed-up rat poison, or The Dark Crystal.

Boc: when i position my nozzle straight up into the air the water floats aloft the clouds for a bit before coming down, like John Denver riding the wind.

Dirg: i got my Tab.

Takahashi: the pink soda?

Dirg: no the men's pocket magazine.

Takahashi: i'm assuming that's adult and not gadgets and cars?

Laertus: seeing that digest size makes me miss the TV GUIDE glory days again.

Shynola: we're the British Daft Punk

Rubikon wearing a fro: um, so the Bible is basically a big book of glossy quotes which make it cool to exact revenge on your enemies. not cool.

Doryce: sweet olives are weird. olives are not meant to be sweet.

Bill Plaschke wearing a pink Grateful Dead tanktop and chewing xanthan gum joins Violetta Laze by the huge coven bonfire in the middle of the lake by the castle.

Bill: look at this Inca spirit-smoke villa! Mexico is gonna be awesome when it lands! look at my bald head with gray goatee and purple pookahs. not Grey the voice actress. i am no One Punch Man. the only way i can pull premium pussy here hopefully is by being the gnome yoda tour-guide.

Neale Donald Walsch: look at me folks, high up here in the banyans. lazing on a large leaf. natural seesaw in the Gummi Bears tree. i auditioned for Orson Welles. to PLAY Orson Welles.

Academy of Live & Recorded Arts: we're the Fame school in a British castle. we're Hogwarts in real life.

Dan Schneider: why did i do that LIFE spread?

LIFE Magazine: why did we stop the year before 9/11?!!! we're a photography magazine ffs!!!

Kurt Cobain: i won't rest until "Smells Like Teen Spirit" becomes Rolling Stone's greatest song of all time.

Gladyce: nudge bar?

Doryce: i thought you said fudge bar, dear. the NutriSystem fudge bars don't count!

Doryce and Gladyce at Burger King. Gladyce is eating kettle chips.

Gladyce: i eat potato chips at 9PM. cos i'm still hungry.

Doryce: you eat dessert too early, dear. try not to eat dessert while the sun is still up.

Gladyce: life is a highway and i'm still here.

Doryce: you've traveled many a road with no pavement.

Laertus: on the last day of summer, i had to go to Bruno's. despite being an idyllic wooded cabin with Swiss flags and bearings and pictures of lederhosen on hills, the vibe is bad in there, the juju is fetid, the trees meant to provide shade actually pulled away from the place exposing the roof to hellfire.

Roger Federer: i took my flags down from that place, they don't deserve them.

Laertus: i took Olive from The Real World's advice too literally. she talked about how many a time she would drive past her place of employment and never go back to work there again. no call, just drove by for the last time. now I do that with my jobs, it's been hard for me to hold down a job when i have Takahashi at the wheel of my getaway car.

Dirg: tank girl. girl who tanked.

Kathy Ireland: i'm a big Rick & Morty fan, i really am.

Pizza My Heart: your friendly neighborhood dentist

Lady Mindy Kaling in a pink pointy triangle hat and no veil: i gave BJ Novak a blowjob, a choker, that's it. he's not the baby daddy.........he's the godfather. 

BJ Novak: now that's a premise. i'm her Brando.

Mindy: you're more like my Kim. what i did to your life is softer than killing.

BJ: Mindy, please continue sitting on your beautiful butt, i'll be over here watching that butt.

Michael Weiss auditioning on stage: you don't love life! if you loved life you wouldn't be on Instagram!

Dirg: there's a Cancel button on Instagram.

Gladyce: sorry but i just can't resist. when i see a boutique grocers like Bruno's with the tiny tiny fresh produce section, i have to pick one tomato ball, one garlic bulb, one celery stalk from there. with the tiny tiny plastic bag. 

Doryce: there's only three rows of produce. 

Mlem: why would ANYONE take their cat out for a walk in this heat?!

Blep: Obec is the supposed wooded land. but all these trees trap the heat.

Zuly from Bruno's: our specials today are Salvadoran tamales in platano leaves. expensive but worth it.

Min-Gi and Ryan are lost wandering around the maze of the castle.

Min-Gi: i'm 30 and i live with my parents.

Ryan: you're the perfect demographic for Cartoon Network.

Pig Teenager: um, Attack on Titan much? Jaws/Free Willy much?

Morgan: i'm a Gothic-architecture church with Roman stained glass where raves take place. welcome to Party Monster Part 2.

Eye Luggage: did someone say gothic church?

a death doula comes to town from the Florida in Teenage Euthanasia.

death doula: i never make my appointments in time.

Eye Luggage: death is not a beautiful experience, it's scary as fuck, that's the point.

Annie Fantasy: sex with Joe Pera is like being euthanized.

Michael Weiss in a Sugar Ray bucket hat: girl, if you're posting four separate Instagram posts in one day, you're diagnosed by me as schizo.

Dirg: why do hot babes waste their lives playing video games? no offense, Takahashi.

swamp buggy: the only way Ford is gonna beat Datsun and BMW in the future. at least in Florida.

Florida: next time name your cat Malee, it means found.

Florida: i was known as Florida Swamplands during King Lear's time.

Biden: what a fucking asshole! Ex President Bump doesn't choose Tiger Woods or Princess Peach for Mario Golf, he chooses Wario!

Patrick Muldoon: do not judge all Patricks based on what i did to Zack and Kelly.........oh i didn't see that, i didn't know they once wore red & blue Husband & Wife shirts.

Zack: you are husbanned.

Christy Carlson Romano, eyebrows raised: yeah Cadet Kelly was gay! so was Cadet Kelly! what's really gay is how my career turned out! while Hilary Duff's duff soared! 

Hilary: flied...

Pat and Jennifer Pizarro on the pirate ship:

Pat: this is all your fault!!!

Jen: how do you figure? i can't help it if i'm irresistible.

Pat: those glacial eyes betray. that perfect puff skin. hair a silk machine. body stacked like a wanton wonton teddy graham cracker. why was your name Jennifer Pizarro!!! if you had had a more unique name i coulda found you already on Instagram!!!

Jen: blame my parents not me!

Pat: i know but don't actresses drop their slave name and adopt a cool nom de plume for their career? as it stands now and is, i have no idea what the hell happened to you!!!

Jen: are you sure you wanna know?

Pat: en garde!

Jen: you can't kill me.

Pat: that was for my feelings to take cover so they don't drown under a blanket.

Fena, touching Pat's shoulder: buddy listen, i mean take me for example. my hair is silk too, cut like strands. Yukimaru? that boy be crazy. he fuck good for a goblin but as a witch i'm supposed to spell 'im! my mom was Joan of Arc so i'm not even supposed to be here. nobody knew she was pregnant on the stake. i don't know if the blond man is my father, brother, or stalker. Yukimaru chased instead of attracted his whole life and what did it get him? boat peanuts. he didn't get me, he never got me, never understood me. Yukimaru is not an attractive guy. i left him for my father.    

Eye Luggage: Fame and go. 

Laertus's dad: the school in Fame is everything i ever wanted. everything i wanted to be, everywhere i wanted to go, the only school a kid like me ever needed. it was my dream. but i was young sickly and dumb at the time and didn't realize it. also it didn't help that i was on the wrong coast in Los Angeles. but the brownstone on the other coast called out to me. New York City is the ONLY place to be!!! for EVERYTHING!!! for LIFE!!!

Dirg: yeah right, that's why everyone's leaving out of it, fleeing like wet rats. i'm still friends with your boy.

Max Kellerman: i coulda been an actor if i attended this school, instead of ESPN School down in Connecticut with the froufrou football elite. i coulda been a damn good soap actor!

Irene Cara: i'm Manny Santos's mom!!! makes sense, right? this film was the Degrassi of the '80s below in the United States of America. the only true representation of that gritty dingy yellow-walled documentary-style feel. 

PBS: we played this film. censored and cut of course.

Laura Dean: i'm forever confused with Laura Dern. i shoulda jumped into that subway bowel.

Antonia Franceschi: i do like black ass, but the producers were REALLY pushing me hard into that. a salad was named after me, first tossed at some swanky hotel upstate in the Catskills.

Paul McCrane: my hair made me nice.

Barry Miller: not a government doctor's son. why didn't i change my real name to Ralph Garci? there's no cooler name than Garci. it's like salad. i would be where Freddie Prinze Jr is now.

Gene Anthony Ray: the baddest bitchboy the world ever did see. i was obviously gay but nobody said anything to me on set so i ended up the buff stud who fucks all the girls on the ballet pole into Tuesday.

Maureen Teefy: correction, I was everyone's first crush!!!!! soup tureen in a brown bag. i was more of a success story than Prince coming all the way over from the heartland. i gave a teethy blowjob to Garci but it was cut. 

Anne Meara: i got to live out my fantasy with this one. my boy Ben flunked out of his performing arts high school when he couldn't make a face.

Joanna Merlin: i'm that hot teacher with the Connecticut look and curls no student could ever please cos i was always annoyed. YOU wanted to be the one student who could cure me from my madness after hours. but you never could, no one could, i saved that orgasm for someone special later on in life after the movie. an older gentleman with a blue pointy triangle hat and stars. 

Debbie Allen: when you think of Fame you think of me. and yet i don't appear in this thing AT ALL!!! like one second! i made my bones with the tv show that lasted a surprisingly long time!

Tresa Hughes: i popularized Polaroids before Apple sunk their teeth into my daughter.

Richard Belzer: i was in EVERYTHING, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I am the reason you watched that first episode of SVU in the first place and got hooked on it like New York Bourdain street cocaine and now you hate me cos you are forced to watch that turgid bloated show in its 100th season just for the few glancing blows of the Liv/Elliot romance.

Sal Piro, looking: you'd think they coulda at least made me an extra in the movie or something.........the Rocky Horror movie.

Michael DeLorenzo: i have one of those faces. i was also the Spanish guy who did Hair on tv...

Meg Tilly: i learned about the covid vaccine from Family Guy.

photographer: let's get the whole cast in one big group shot. in front of the gravestone headstone tomb, perfect.

VERY young Jodie Foster: um, look behind you, i'm traveling with a strange man eating a flower ice cream...

producer: we can't name this after current porn Hot Lunch that's actually playing in theatres.

Alan Parker: fine we'll cut the tits. by two, we'll have two less tits. i did NOT ruin Spider-Man on Broadway.

Laertus's dad: art was better in the '70s.

Laertus: that's when you had me. this checks out.

Laertus's dad: see i didn't know this was a thing growing up, i thought you were forced to learn math and stuff. be a mathlete not a cheerleader. like i didn't know you could drop everything and just learn how to tilt your head just right angled to the camera.

Eye: Drama. Music. Dance. or all three now. you had a choice back then. oh i LOVE the numbers they wear on their hats and leotards! that is so old skool!

Montgomery MacNeil: not New Age. you got me, i'm a Garfunkel fan. that opening is a feint, i actually suck at monologues, that's why i'll never be in Phoenix's movie.

Bruno Martelli: this was the first time showing someone who didn't have any friends on screen.

Laertus's dad: okay the black acting coach is the man! he's everything a man should strive to be. the acting teacher! the best teachers teach actors, they teach people how to be HUMAN. how to be comfortable with their bodies, their tool, their instrument without ointment, and how to pick yourself up when your audition fails.

Dirg: yeah this was back when actors actually had to make a living, a living wage, being an actor. which was impossible. nowadays all the actors we have are the children of Hollywood elites.

Bruno Martelli: i'll show you! don't be a Nazi, look at my setup! i'm inventing electronica music right before your eyes! i'm gonna do the music for the L.A. Olympics!! to feed the ducks at Duckworth! my first album's gonna be called The Downward Spiral!!!

Mr Shorofsky: why didn't you become a dirty apple-picker like your father! you can't play music alone! masturbators don't make good music!

Doris: i'm not struggling enough to be a good actress. i need a sob-backstory. i need to kill myself to gain gravitas.

Montgomery: look at how wide my mouth can open...

Garci: if you're an actor, can you really be a bully?

Coco: i also birthed Leylah as a teen like Emma. but she went to the top coast and changed her name.

Leroy: damn dude! my girl i came with to the audition be TRIPPIN'! it's not about you, honey!

Debbie: actually she was a decent dancer. but the attitude...

Leroy: talent rises to the top, bitch. like a Wu Tang song. for my audition i invented breakdancing. 

students: yeah this wasn't meant to be a musical number, we were just hungry.

wood pianos all lined up snug like sardines: we evoke a Fievel Mousekewitz vibe.

Doris: sitting out here on the stairs free from all that noise racket in there?

Montgomery: yeah i despise music.

Doris: your mom's an actress, right?

Montgomery: she travels all the time. in the circus. she abandoned me for that trapeze guy with the trapezius muscles.

Doris: i see, you're a legacy hire.

Coco: play music with me, Bruno, you can't play music alone.

Bruno: i'd rather open up a deli. besides, my dad just wants you to be my girlfriend but i'd rather fuck my synthesizer.

Coco: there's holes there for wires and stuff. i don't really live in that swanky hotel, i'm homeless. but i'm still voting for Newsom one day.

Leroy: look at me! i'm Superman! or rather Iceman punching all this glass. yeah, Iceman. i ride the old bitch hard cos who ever heard of a white and woman teacher EVER having any nuggets of wisdom for a black and man?

Anne: spicy nuggs?

Leroy: see? 

Leroy: i only need reading to read scripts. i got my pimp to read scripts for me.

Doris: William Morris Agency? that's great, hunk! 

hunk: thanks.

Doris: you'll be selling all those cigarettes to kids! sorry i'm nervous around you.

Bruno: i mean look at me, i'm a white pudgy dude. no way i actually came up with the Fame theme! OBVIOUSLY Irene Cara and Joanna Merlin wrote the song!

director: we actually closed down traffic to film the musical number in the road. New York truck drivers were so angry with us they promised to vote for Bump one day.

Montgomery: i'm gay. this is a big admission in 1980. i'm not just saying this to get the part.

Garci: you're acting tho, right?

Doris: singing in front of kids for a birthday party is so humiliating. especially when you can't sing.

Garci: um, excuse me, this is my big dramatic scene, can we move this incense machine outta the way the smoke is getting in my eyes.

Madame Pons: sorry, that was me, i'm teaching this studio tech here to get into incense. not sleeping with him. the smoke is good for you you're supposed to be crying in this monologue.

Garci: why did Freddie Prinze do it? no, not Freddie, anybody but my sweet prince Freddie. i am the next Freddie, makes me want to gun myself young too. quaaludes? it can't be quaaludes! did Dylan Carlson buy the rifle? i need answers, i need Scooby Doo and the van on the case. you don't have to be named Fred to lead the sleuths.

Doris: that makes me so hot when a man wants to suicide himself.

Montgomery: i'm the schlemiel high up in a motel room in the red light district singing a sad solo song while my two best friends fuck in the next room after a Blade Runner monologue. i am the third wheel and it is here that Dr Romano's lifelong anger rage and resentment was born.

Doris's mother: if you're an actress you're pregnant.

Doris: cry more, Garci, it gets me wet.

Montgomery: you can't just add kissing scenes to the script, that's not Method.

Hilary: i'm a rich white girl who brought a black homeless guy home.

snooty parents: that's about right.

Holland Taylor: i'm the mom to Hilary. she's gonna enter politics so best for her to get it out of her system now. i'm one to talk when it comes to strange bedding partners!

Hilary: when i was monologuing at the mental hospital, that wasn't acting.

Laertus: you don't see that nowadays, an American flag in a church.

The Pope: except on my ceiling mirror.

Garci: I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!!! you get my little sister cured at a CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST church not a Catholic church!!!

Doris's mother: Dominique DuPont? what are you a floozie cartoon fox?

Doris: no i sell Avon pens.

Dirg: okay this is scary for me.

Laertus: what it's cool, we get to actually see how the AUDIENCES are and behave in a Rocky Horror show. the action is in aisles not on the screen! 

Mardith: it's fun. they call all the men idiots. and i like the waterguns.   

Dirg: god no, no no no, not for me, they point out the virgins in the audience. 

Doris: omg i had the biggest crush on our waiter. how's it going?
hunk: L.A. sucked. i didn't get that one pivotal frozen-orange-juice-in-a-can commercial...

Garci on the stage mic in hand and mic behind ear doing standup:

Garci: so the seasons are changing. that nice cool breezy Autumnal wind carrying the scent of all the new marijuana being cracked open in the neighborhood...

*crowd laughs*

Doris: you killed, babe!

Garci: i know, right? i'm gonna be Lenny Bruce!

Doris: and i'm perfect for Mrs. Maisel! but i'm not wet yet, you gotta start talking about eating babies if you want to eat my puss.

Laertus's dad: this is my favorite scene, two young people with the world in their hands, they are still dreamers not jaded, it's the two of them and their fingertips against the world. they'll conquer Broadway then Hollywood then get a house. the rush of excitement planning a life together, vocalizing your dreams. it just takes getting that one tv show and the lovers will be on easy street, having kids in bars. the rush of excitement like the wind coming off that subway train from Risky Business.

Doris to Garci: i'll rape you.

Dirg: sorry but when a girl tells a guy she'll rape him that's hot.

Montgomery: i'm not gonna fuck the pizza.

Garci: hilarious, i should have used that line out there on stage. want a candy cigarette?

Montgomery: all we're guaranteed in this life as an actor is a shirt, wear yours.

Hilary: i can't have a brown baby, it's the '80s.

Ex President Bump: neither in my America. or the America that comes after.

Coco: why do my tits look like tiny bananas? 

porn director: i'd suck them.

Coco: you're taking the Flashdance thing way too literally.

Dirg: honestly i thought Leroy and Anne Meara shoulda fucked. that's the only way to bring understanding between strangers so perfect they might as well be different species.

Anne Meara: *crying* do you care about anyone else but yourself!

Leroy: what happened to your husband?

Anne Meara: you fucked him!

I Sing The Body Electric: no, not Philip K Dick. not Rod Serling. it's Walt Whitman.

Gene Anthony Ray: i died form a rare cancer? yeah right. i died by being free. living MY life, the party life is the only way to go. who wants to grow old? and yeah that's my voice on the Ghostbusters song...

Laertus's dad: the glamor of the Great White Way? or the squalor of 42nd Street? Juilliard or Orange Julius? dancing on a Metropole pole? topless for a sandwich? there are a dozen American dreams and only one will make it. that's all you need to know. the Annie kids and the Fame kids should get together one day, they both have iconic lettering in their titles. g'night, folks. something must be vulgar to be beautiful.

the Gorton Fisherman hanging his feet off the docks:

Lance Lear: you ain't gonna jump right?

Gorton: no just swinging my legs in cute yellow rubber boots. my son Kyle was very particular about his croutons, they needed to be strippers from Santa Fe. he never ate soup only salad. why was Kyle out there that foggy morning of his death? he hated going out on the ocean. why was he in a tugboat by the cruise ship and not on the cruise ship?

Kyle: remember, dad. i told you, i prefer luxury tugboats to luxury liners.

Gorton: right before my boy got shot in the back of the head with a wave he was planning that afternoon to run away and join a theater company.

daughters: father! we found her for you!

Lance Lear: oh goodie where was she?

the large black crow towers over the four. she perches on Lovato's arm, Hampshire's fingernail, Floch's belt, and Lance's head.

crow: i was out back grazing. the back of the tower.

Lance: quite. come back to us.

crow: no. i wanted my own career! my own life! not just being Lance's wife!

Lance: but you were a queen! not just my queen. i mean you ran away to become a court jester.

crow: singer singer i'm a singer! my songs are meant to be taken seriously! i sing to everyone in the world to wake up! in the morning. there's only so much fire a bird can take. fire waved in her face. didn't you notice that with each successive Tour de France i was perched further and further away from the road?