FREDAGSMYS

 

notes:

* Gavin Newsom: i know, i was handed a gift. first order of business: fixing PG&E...

* Taco Bell: we didn't abandon the potato, YOU did!

* TGI Friday's: we wanted to call ourselves Cozy Friday. but the Swedes threatened a world war.

* G Vegas: the only place to gain on the slots

* Mr Two Bits: a Florida quarter can only play Frogger

* the object crashing into Jupiter was aliens doing banded legs at Honeymoon Bay

* Buffy the Vampire Slayer at Bruno's: despite all the wood here there are no stakes for sale. the L.A. store has different juju, a chiller aura.........quaaludes, i'd know that smell anywhere. 

* Liberty Mutual:

Doug: can we have a helicopter? and a tiny helicopter helmet for Limu Emu?

Amanda Waller: no.

Doug: okay but why is the Vatican flag on a pole in your office?

* Planet Fitness:

influencer: run in place with hot tea.........there's no way to know whether this water is hot or cold.

* DraftKings:

blonde: all of these quarters could be yours. i use mine for laundry.

Tsuyu Asui: i use mine for tongue practice...

* McDonalds:

Frasier Crane: you just got ratio'd. i do not know what that means. i am listening.

* Gronk: the real question is whether GISELE will let you play till 50.

Tom Brady: they said in order for me to get a football license in Florida i had to marry Betty White...

* Baker Mayfield: what's the price that gets you inside these shoulderpads today?

linebacker: you lucky, it would be federally illegal for Johnny Manziel to do this same commercial.

Baker: have you noticed how i've become a pretty good actor? i'm at Nic Cage level now.

* Behr:

woman: no furniture, just four painted walls.

other couple: it's been awhile since you hosted a dinner party huh.

man: this is not a suburban Connecticut sex thing.

woman: yes it is, dear. i'm wearing vinyl pants and you're wearing a college-professor sweater.

man: in all honesty that coat joke came from Martin Yan.

woman: DO IT! throw your wine in my face. it's the only way i can taste wine anymore.

other couple: and the broken-wineglass glass strewn all over the bed?

man: it's the only way i can orgasm.

* Lowe's:

honestly the only thing interesting about this spot and the whole week is the girl with the drill:

JANINE HOGAN

remember that name. visit her twitter. her twitter is the BEST! not just the nude pic...

her pinned tweet is a picture of her laid up in a hospital bed with a cast over her face that reads:

when the dick just the right amount of bomb

her most piquant post, and the one we can all relate to, is her doing a musical number free-jamming on her DJ mini-turntables as she sings:

how is anybody functioning day-to-day anymore?

my fellow depressives, who says twitter isn't poignant anymore? hits just right right when you need it.

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i open up my first Cozy Friday restaurant in the United States...