Wednesday, September 8, 2021



Patrick Swayze: i'm opening up a new store opposite LUSH. it's called Pat's Pots.
Madame Pons: quite alright, cutie, you have a claim to this whole area. plus you operate in the ghost world so there's no overlap.
Dirg: men who get their hands sticky with pottery can't masturbate. also, the internet wants me to make the life-changing decision to take a Latin wife. wants me to take the whizz.
Mardith: er, take the quiz. hey don't look at me!, i'm pan, baby. what does it say to do?
Dirg: i'm in olden times but i should have gone even older. to when Latin was America's official language. I WAS ALREADY THERE! can we go back to the last cour?

Lance Lear and the daughters are getting fitted for a funeral. sadly.
Lance: there's gotta be a way to stop this! what did Emilia say?
Lovato: no way, pops. there's no way. help me with my black corset?
Hampshire: dad, the lumberjack is expecting a blowjob from you for his job, he's already shaved the wood for the coffin and shaved his pubes.
Lance: maybe just a jack.
Floth: the food's already been prepared, pan in those Christmas red tower boxes. a patisserie just called me hot on Instagram.

Lance: Lovato, ask your mother.........oh i forgot. we need a spy in the congregation.
Lovato: i'll do it! i pass for a man.
Lance: we need someone to monitor the deceased's heartrate inside the coffin.
Hampshire: i'll DM Euthanasia "Annie" Fantasy.
Annie from Annie: ...
Lance: and we need someone if all else fails...
Floth: *exhausted* say no more! i've got the sexy dress on for this funeral.

Atom Egoyan: remember,

all are gone and have moved on, there's nothing you can do. one day is death

Kurt Cobain: if only the Northridge earthquake had been a 10 it would have violently shook my head, rattled it back into place and i wouldn't have ended up ending myself a couple of months later. 

Minnie Driver and Matt Damon at the beachfront in front of the castle:
Matt: life's a beach! is this Obec Beach?
Matt: 23 years. you dumped me, remember? that drove me away.
Minnie: no YOU dumped ME.........speaking of dumping here's a sandpail let's build a sand castle in the sky. i mean i became an American citizen under President Bump in order to vote him out i'm brave enough to do anything.
Matt: looks like rain.
Minnie: so because of you i got sleep apnea. a brain tumor that makes me terrified of Spongebob. i haven't been to a beach in 23 years, this is the first step in my therapy.
Matt: it's okay to ask for help. i have many therapists myself: Robin Williams, Walt Disney, Jim Cantore...

Madame Pons: when my girls from the UK come over they don't want to go to LUSH, they want to go to Spirit Halloween.
Eye Luggage: it's hard out there for a British goth babe. these days.

Salinas High: suh

Dirg: the only reason people care about the floods is that they're in New York City.

Dirg: the new soft Dos Equis ad is so far removed from the Most Interesting Man In The World persona. friendship instead of sports blood rivalry? wha?   

Naomi Osaka: i'm not shy and awkward, i'm an empath. i'm gonna host SNL!

Kevin Trudeau: don't get depression, depressurize. don't reach for the Maker's Whisky, reach for a 1993 episode of Legends of the Hidden Temple watched in a temazcal with purple smoke coming out its ears.

Dr Drew: this is what everyone goes through, we all stay with our friends long enough that they lose a cat to death. we look at the cat caption thinking we're gonna talk about how the cat looks like your cat Trinity Talia but then you read the caption that the cat has died and you leave the praying-hands emoji instead.
cat familiars: Trinity Talia is known as Talia Trinity on our planet.

Greet Minnen: i greet good...

Bruno's: everyone who works here is fresh off a breakup that happened this morning...

Bruno's: don't let the bad juju here bring you more down, we've CARVED out our own little identity here, a unique ub, our nook deep in the Obec Forest.........meat not wood.

Gladyce: don't you love our breezy Saturday-afternoon watercolor classes at the local community college in the beige stone tower?
Doryce: quite. very leisurely. painting with a park inside the classroom.
Gladyce: why are there mustache-ride trimmings all over the marble floor?
Doryce: easily washed by the horchata waterfall. remove the blind from the window, dear, it gets the pane all nice and naked. 
Gladyce: yes, dear.
Doryce: i want to see Jack Tripper fully nude when he drops his seablue robe, i want to see the hair on his balls. 

Jessica Savitch's final telecast:

a majority of Americans now say they don't believe in God, first time ever in the poll's 200-year history...

Anya Taylor-Joy said transatlantically: the cat's outta the bag. the winner of the chess tournament is Doctor Who. hey at least i DID SNL!

Kristen Stewart: Robert Pattinson and i started dating cos we were both afraid of horses.
Robert Pattinson: you mean hippos.

Doryce: there isn't a fly in my soup, there's a fly in my REFRIGERATOR!

Dirg: it's impossible to know if someone is real or not on Instagram...

Michael Weiss wearing an animation belt: Instagram is you and your followers constantly everyday on a first date together.

Botic van de Zandschulp: you betta put some respec on my name and pronounce it right, you little botic bitch. or i'll stuff you in a tiny clock.

Pam Shriver: what has Radwanska done lately? what has Radwanska done for me lately? look i'm not jelaous of her i just wish I could have posed nude, they wouldn't let me.

Azarenka is seen on the dry zamboni on a U.S. Open tennis court paving it back and forth up and down.

Carlos Alcaraz at the mic: hello. my name is not Rafael Nadal. my name is Rafael Nadal's Replacement.

Nadal: what am i doing now? working for Rick and Morty.

Mardith: all you have is now. sometimes people are nice, sometimes not so nice.

Pat and Scott Trimble continue their fence fight on the planks of the pirate ship. Pat holds a foil of silver Reynolds wrap and Scott holds a piece of fence.
Scott: in life you gotta make the tough choices. i would trade a life with Jen in exchange for having my legend cowboy-hat dad staying dead.
Pat: Jen, you are in my head. i wish the other way.
Jennifer Pizarro: but isn't that a good thing?
Pat: at first. but it's more haunting now. the more oiled your body becomes the easier it is to slip from my memory's grasp and land in my heart clogging it with goo.
Jen: concentrate. on learning your lines.
Pat: please. before i forget. let me kiss your hand. i want the resonance of at least ONE body part from you on my lips forever. and remember this cos i'll forget: Arielle Raycene should play you in the movie!
Jen: isn't it more fun to make home movies?

Boc goes in for the glancing blow. but he gets not one but three of Sir Lawn Sprinkler's metal arms, three pinions on one nub like a tree. or are they his metal legs?

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Julie Strain kisses Eye Luggage on the mouth.
Eye: omg i swear babe, i chew the mouthwash gum i don't swallow it.
Julie: i'll teach you to swallow, girlie. i'll take it from here:

Julie Strain: i am the baddest bitch the world has ever seen. i kept my tears in private as i never turned down any opportunity in Hollywood i was offered no matter how humiliating. someone like me can't afford to reject roles or wait, i was branded Porn Angelina by Harvey Weinstein and was right then and there fucked forever. there was no indie circuit when i was coming up---both meanings---i had to CREATE it. and creativity is the key to good sex. i was Chyna before Chyna!

Dirg: excuse me, woman, can i have your autograph? do it on the back of my head with this purple marker, the only good thing about going bald.
Julie Strain: who's this chickenshit?
Dirg: are you like the most powerful porn actress ever in teh universe? i just want to thank you, this style of art is my roundhouse i mean wheelhouse. i mean road house. may this style of fantasy art forever reign in the hearts and minds of young dreaming boys. i think of it less as a melting pot and more like a salad.
Julie: my vaccine-resistant dementia was my saving grace, i got the last strain of the virus. i was able to forget everything and in my mind i was Angelina Jolie and Harvey Weinstein never ruined Shakespeare for all of us.

Eye Luggage: Heavy Metal 2000 and go.
William Shatner: space.........where there is no censorship. and people can laugh again.
Angela Merkel and Justin Trudeau show up at the con in S&M outfits and gear.
Angela: From Justin To Angela! we do this for world peace! for universe peace! we're not a couple but we kinda are.
Justin: what happened last night? my memory is shot. yeah this is just cosplay, i'm running for President when the U.S. and Canada combine into one hat.

Kevin Eastman: i have a photographic memory. this film was my fuck-you to the L.A. robocops and cartoon industry which completely sanitized my dark Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. i could finally do art i was used to doing as editor of Heavy Metal magazine. silverians fucking vampires and werewolves and copper keys coming to robot life.
Julie: man what happened to you, dude? i marry you and do this movie for you like a good wifey and i dump yo ass a few years later cos you singlehandedly tarnished the Heavy Metal franchise forever! the beloved '80s film will never be the same cos of you!
Kevin: hey, legacy is a tricky thing, TMNT is a Nick property now not an arcade property.

Mastodon: we drank the mastodon milk! why the fuck weren't we on the soundtrack!

Michael Ironside: i play all Canadian assholes. which is a surprisingly long list. in this i play if Gaston was bad. like ACTUALLY bad not false-front macho tough guy.

Billy Idol: i am so sorry, i've forever stained the legacy of the name Odin.

Germain St. Germain: not the wrestler.

Sonja Ball: have you ever noticed that all teachers are hot?

Dr Schechter: i look suspiciously similar to Odin without the robe...

Zeek: mascots bleed just like you. believe it or not i have red blood.

Tyzik: who would actually watch this movie in theaters?
Michael Weiss: neckbeards who work at Round Table Pizza.
Michael Weiss wears a greasy dishrag as a sock. Rubikon puts a chainlink around his foot.

Rubikon: my foot jangles in spirit and the promise of space for our people. a space for OUR music. see this is the problem, this Star Wars ripoff is trying to be another Heavy Metal but that movie had six distinct acts with different animation styles, this is just a boring movie about a skinny white-girl space nymph and a cardboard villain who wants to nihil himself.
Dirg: i mean the sex is KINDA hot, especially when they do it in the hot mouth of a dragon.

Lovato: they shoulda sent me to find the fluid.

Ex-President Bump: see? anyone who becomes leader goes insane, it's not my fault.

Mardith: awww, poor Tyler. i mean it wasn't Tyler's fault. i would have liked to have known Tyler before he got zapped by the key, i'm sure he was a teddybear like Gaston. 

FAKK: really?

Laertus: that sex cross is the only thing i can believe in. but put stripped men on there, too.
Dirg: it's a good reason to skip school when your planet's being invaded. is there a school that isn't government-run?
Eye: zoom?
Dirg: i learn all my things from reading the internet.

circus barker: i'll sell you this sex robot. for 2000! like the movie title.

Dirg: okay NOW we're in it! the exotic table dancer with six tits!
Mardith: the Six Stripper.
Eye: multiple tits, that was a goth concept first. 
Arnold S: Gavin Newsom needs to stop being a pretty boy and get dirty and dusty like Conan.
Cecily Strong: i gave Gavin a faux-fur loincloth for his birthday.

Julie: can't we just look at all the pretty flying colors whizzing by us? study it like 2001 the film that came right after us? why do we have to fight in hyperspace?

Kerrie: what are you doing! extracting my fluids?
Dr Schechter: no giving you the covid vaccine.
Kerrie: oh good. 

Tyler: i'm killing the Illuminati you should thank me! no more lizard people!
Laertus: only the strongest man should be leader, the man who was so strong he killed everybody and had no one left or right to lead.
John Milius: i like the sound of that. i look like teddybear Ed Asner in old age.

Tyler: i want to kill her. but i want to fuck her more. i only have three vials left. shame we couldn't get four vials but i blew up the vial factory.
Julie: i don't want to drink your cum, i want to drink your blood. but this is a vial of apple cider.

Tyler: what kind of magic medicine is this? 
Julie: it's Tylenol. the everyday elixir.
Tyler: so that's why it was drawn to me. why can't i just take one pill named after me and my immortality lasts for eternity?
Julie: Tylenol only lasts one day. then the pain of mortality returns. but forever is contained within one day.

Odin: THANK GODDESS! i only did this so i could finally take off this blasted cloak, it's hot under here! global warming doesn't exactly help either!

Zeek: why do i have to sacrifice myself? aren't you supposed to save the cute things, isn't that a Hollywood rule?

Julie Strain: i bathed for this battle! remember, kids, i'm dead but NOBODY EVER REALLY DIES. g'night, folks.

the Gorton Fisherman lies prone on the planks of the Santa Monica Pier, crying into the misty rain. he wears his yellow slicker but the funeral one with black stripes. 
Gorton Fisherman: i've had enough funerals. i am so happy Kyle never turned into a Tyler. but i am so sad that i am not able to prepare for my son the walnuts he so loved in his salad, the glazed walnuts, cos i can only produce salty tears not sweet ones to coat the walnuts with. my armpits are getting humid under my rain gear, i wish my Old Spice Sea Spray roll-on deodorant stick smelled like a shanty but it smells like bubblegum. a wad of wedge. my Kyle, even when he couldn't get an ice cream cone for dessert he at least had the glazed walnuts. 

inside all the funeral attendants are soaked. 

the daughters take a peek inside the open casket. Marco Pantani opens his eyes and climbs out of the coffin.

Marco: phew that was a close one. one more hour in there and i wouldn't have been able to come back. four years trying to make a pizza with the same flour...

Andre Agassi approaches Marco from the pews and shakes his hand.
Andre: thank the goddesses. i did NOT want to deliver that eulogy i'm a nervous public speaker.
Marco: you look cute in your white funeral suit.
Andre: *checking out his own sleeves* for Wimbledon. i was not looking forward to playing you in the movie. 

Lance scoots his daughter up to Marco.
Lance: this is my daughter Floth. you can trust me i'm not a DJ. i was thinking maybe you and her could date five times. Floth is a daddy's girl but that kind of stuff was outlawed with the new Pope. Floth is a modern woman living in modern times, this ain't the Middle Ages! this is the 1600s.

Marco Pantani: thank you, Ms. Floth, you are a woman of kindness. thank you for taking care of my heart. but my soul belongs to Andre Agassi.

Andre Agassi's candied smile brights the open-air funeral parlor.

Marco Pantani's candied smile brights the open-air funeral parlor.

Marco Pantani: in this church you are all witnesses. Andre Agassi is my pirate paramour. 

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