Galivant: Pat, your voice is well-suited to this journey...
President Biden: come on, man, it's gonna be 4 years of boring, it's up to YOU to entertain yourself...
Jim Carrey: orange cheese smells good...
Mardith: why did the celebrity babes all have dreams of Paris last night?...
Dirg: i mean how do you expect me to compete? how will i get the white women against the likes of Rege-Jean Page?
Ellen Page: no comment...
Galivant: you see now, right? you see how it has to end. it will end with the most glorious picture of the two of us in glorious vivid black-and-white posted on your Instagram, your last Instagram post. ever. it will be me on the balcony as i wrap my fist in jeanjacket over your shoulder as we pretend-roughhouse, both of us with goofy grins, you trying to avoid my hugs as always. we both wear shades and sunglasses to hide our true emotions from the Instagram public, only we two know how we feel. and feel about each other, our intentions. it will leave our Instagram public wanting, worried, wondering where we went to, what our last goals are, what our ultimate glorious destination is. it will quell all suitors. they will be left asking, as the answer will never come. it will remain a mystery, a single photo that must hold not a thousand words but the REST of the words...
Pat: but where are we going?
Galivant: that's up to you. but once you decide, you can never go back. i'll be there with you forever. at first that may sound comforting, but it might not in 5 years...
Pat: i vacillate. i vacillate more than i vaccinate. i'm always thinking i'm better off in this location or that, a retreat or a reverie, orgy or oratory, soaring or a speedball, fuck or flight, the mausoleum or the monastery...
Galivant: the problem with you is you make PERMANENT plans for yourself, for life, you'll stay at this place FOREVER, THAT will be your life forever, you won't have to choose anymore, make a hard decision again, that's not how life works...
Aaron Rodgers: your future is a beautiful mystery...
Pat: it's never been beautiful for me, it's always been the scary unknown, the NIGHTMARISH!!!...
Dirg: Hank Aaron had two first names...
Denny Dillon: why the fuck didn't I play Mama on Mama's Family!!!...would have REALLY helped me out...
Denny's: short for Denise...
Inside Edition: we are crying. we are crying over here, our ratings will plummet over a Rodgers cliff. nobody will EVER watch our little show again...
Madame Pons looking at cards: i can't wait for the universe, i'm old!!!...
President Biden: masks, planes, trains, automobiles...
Nic Cage: Kraft process......not orange cheese...
Tyzik: i had to use a Standard Hotels...you have to stay there upside-down, the bed is nailed to the ceiling, it's not as sexy as you think...
Pat: my fingers are covered with the blood of frambuesa jam...
Nic Kidman: not me, just kidding...
Ellen Burstyn: i did SNL that Season 6 cos i wanted to have fun, my whole career was serious roles...but i played a crazy old sole woman on SNL, not the fun kind...
Gail Matthius: i had already perfected the Valley-girl accent and it was only 1980. 1980!!!...
Codrus: your spouse, it's just an unknown name, one paltry line hidden below your box on your wikipedia page...
Ice-T: you know what's harder than fixing your car's computer?.........coming up with FIRST AND LAST names for ALL the guest stars on EVERY damn episode of SVU!!! SVU's done 17765 episodes!!!...
Michael Gross wearing Steven Keaton plaid: the Department of Justice is fine, don't worry, it's okay...
Charles Rocket: i feel so bad. 2 weeks before the shooting i did a skit on Weekend Update making fun of John + Yoko's domesticity as anathema to all tenets of rock n roll...who knew?...we all thought John Lennon WOULD be the happy-homemaker husband living in a cave in Central Park, NY forever...
Malcolm McDowell: i was NOT born to play John Lennon...
Laertus: LENNONYC, brilliant doc, until it hits you without warning like a ton, one of those interviewed is Geraldo...
John Lennon: i was on my knees for Yoko's forgiveness when i cheated on her with that blonde from San Francisco. begged on the Barrows. there is documentary evidence of this, photographs of me bowing to her on New York City cobblestone with the Woody Allen Bridge in back. and Yoko looking bemused and uncertain.
Dirg: no man should be supine...
John Lennon: no excuse but i was under a lot of stress, Nixon had just won despite EVERYTHING we did, all those damn concerts and protests added up to JACK SQUAT!!! had to let off a little steam...
Yoko: i wasn't mad, John, i knew you were a rock star not a man. there are no rock marriages...unless you have many bags. honestly i just needed a break form you, a breather, you were suffocating me with your accent. i needed to do MY creativities. so i went to my sister's...whom you eventually married...
John: your assistant? ah, yes, you two are like sisters. sistahs. i just wanted some RAW FISH!!! fish was better before Brexit, you know. it was so great to stroll into a KFC with no one recognizing me and a strange white whitehaired man in a white suit told me he had no idea what the fuck sashimi was.
Yoko: looking back it was INSANE you had no bodyguards. you were a FUCKING BEATLE and here you were you can't just call a cab and stroll into a Popeyes Chipotle or Macy's!!!
John: by your leave, madam. hash like Takahashi...
Rubikon: woman is a nigger, people were less uptight in those days, could talk to the other side without immediately getting shut down, the early gritty SNL days...
John: i mean how do you give a bad review in Rolling Stone to a fucking protest song!!?...
Cotard: sorry.
Codrus: *broken-teeth smile* the wind isn't alive, brother, you can't succor it to salve your loneliness, hehehe
Madame Pons: i loved setting up the humidifier for my little sister when she was a baby in a crib. now i want a humidifier for my room as an ADULT......especially since the LUSH saunas aren't open still!!!...
Biden: i got a chin like Lincoln's chin...
Gilbert Gottfried: more student films on SNL!!!...
Joe Piscopo: i had a rad deep booming announcer's voice...
Rose Hall: hello, i usually don't have this sweet of a lilting voice. i am where Steven Universe's mom's funeral was held...
Dirg: no one says "catching some Zs" in conversation...
Gladyce: The Store is under new management like the Presidency...
Doryce: Advil Gel is the new Juicy Drop sour gel...
Denny Dillon: i showed that James Woods how to REALLY crack the whip. with my S&M weatherwoman cabana-boy-mounted-like-a-hunting-trophy-on-the-weathermap skit. it's God's will, sweetheart, what do you want from me?
Frank Caliendo: i was MADtv's Chris Farley...
Emily Ford: this ain't a movie. i became more than my societal limits said on the sign. i became a fox. not a snow fox. not in a pack...
crones: say hi to the Old Country for us when your trek hits snow, dear...
Codrus: there was a PRIEST in the Capitol riot!!!? that is HILARIOUS...
Ted Danson: why wasn't i a dramatic actor in films? a Marlon Brando type...
Takahashi: my rabbit hole is obscure tv...
Charles Rocket: i was Eric Andre before Eric Andre...
Curtis Armstrong: Risky Business was on PBS.........i kid you not...
Michael Weiss in mittens: am i a business opportunity or am i a friend?...
Ellis Haizlip: i created real tv...
Rubikon: and i'd like to take this opportunity to thank. sir you broadcast the Revolution's First Resistance. you slipped on many a hazy cobblestone in the process as you did all this stuff for the first time fumbling in the dark and we appreciate you being a pillar...
Tyzik: Soul of the Dragon? there are WAY too many DC Movies out there but this is one i may partake. it's got bellbottoms, it's got Batman in a fro, it's got flavor...
Stanley Tucci: i will never be Bourdain. all i can do is try...
Pete Davidson: i'll help...
Stephen A: what did you do during your long-ass quarantine in your hotel room to prepare for the Australian Open, Roger? bounce the ball against the four walls. of your crazy head?...
Federer: ate all that great hotel cheese, i can't eat anymore...
Roger's wife Mirka: he hasn't used the toilet since he last played Nadal...
Denny Dillon: i was on Dream On...
Dirg: THAT's where i recognize you from! i was seeing you and saying what's-her-butt...
Laertus: Brian Benben's latchkey kid raised on television was our preview to how ALL kids now are raised on internet...
Eye Luggage: i love the irony of Brian Benben's character being a book editor...
Dirg: benben, i just love saying that. Martin brings tupperware to parties, that's why he got divorced...
Pat: like me...
Tamlin Wightman joins the Smashing Pumpkins as their new lady bassist but quickly takes Billy's spot...
Dirg: *head in hands* there better be a time when i look at my enemy angrily for the nth time and finally feel some empathy for him or i'm cooked...
Gladyce: we got the thin toilet-paper for the Treehouse not the outhouse because although it wouldn't be soft on our bums it would be soft on our water pipes...
Laertus: i was still technically enrolled at Berkeley, but i spent that last semester in my room watching films...
Takahashi: for my friend, my true friend, i buy you this Inscripton car, for the screenwriter...
Laertus smiles. Dirg growls.
Codrus: wait. all humans are one big human family, right? so ALL sex is incest...
Dirg: i got court-mandated writing...
Mardith: there is something to putting your dreams on Instagram, posting your potential, spelling out your spells, gilding your goals, when you actually see it in physical form on that screen, it hits different...
Doryce: i'm going to Hatton Garden! just to inspect, i won't touch anything. just to smell the roses...
Gladyce: Bama needs to get you a rock FAST...
Rubikon: adult swim has really been the battleground for the Culture Wars these past 4 years. cos there's no other tract of land...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Wesley Snipes: Noxzema, my name took our power back, it was reverse blackface. we put the white cream on OUR faces to take THEIR power.
Dirg: drag-queen nudes, not what i was expecting...
Eye Luggage: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice and go...did i get that right?...
Laertus: most ampersands?...
Dirg: let's get this out of the way now...i'm conducting this podcast interview...what do you want to ask you father, dear?...
Natasha Gregson Wagner: did you kill mom?...
Robert Wagner: yes. shit! i thought you were Stefanie Powers! i tell my partner everything!!!...
Dirg: a place like Esalen literally scares me. but i'd do it for the ass, the Assalen...
Eye: with its essentialness. i do like the woman butts on full glorious display and view at the top of the film...the bottom as it were...bunch of naked people without a care in the world strolling an Olympus hill in the mountains of Big Sur, overlooking Obec, overlooking the Pineapple Express cliffs of angry waves, angry that they can't partake of this orgy, discussing Plato by a mound of grey stones for a real fire not a Glowforge. two buxom bare beauties in gold Cleopatra noseguard Roman helmets keeping watch and guard over this sacred facility of light. this is my Heaven...
Dirg: only if they're hot.
Takahashi: LOVE the car Natalie Wood and Robert Culp drive up in! why can't we just make roadsters from now on! open-air to catch the wind on your tongue, turn your neckerchief into a sail like Speed Racer climbing up hills! you can make electric roadsters...
Dirg: neckerchiefs had no connotation back then...
Laertus: it took me awhile but i finally figured out who the hunky guru at the Esalen session is: the husband from Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!!!...
Mary Hartman: i almost single-handedly destroyed SNL for good...i later went on to host Entertainment Tonight...
Dirg: the last decade of truly-free sex. guilty-free sex. had to finally inject morality into America with disease, that was all God's work. no wonder this depicts an orgy, this is a film from 1969...
Dirg: what i don't get is what happens AFTER the Enlightenment. the couples go home after intense opening-up therapy and what happens with this guru after the retreat? does he retreat into his shell?
Laertus: i do like the choice this film makes to be a comedy rather than dead serious. otherwise it would come off as preachy and the artsy-fartsy liberal blue conservatives love to hate and always point out in media.
Robert Culp: i'm not culpable. hey man don't be hostile, don't blame me, i had no idea. Bill Cosby was a great spy, too great as we now know...
Dyan Cannon: ...
Dirg: tits like cannons...
Dyan: i tried to help Cary Grant...
Cary Grant: *noir voice* sorry, sweetheart, not even a sexy woman such as you could have saved me. unless you were pushing psychedelics at the time...for therapy you know...
Dyan: sorry, dear, in 1969 i was busy making a film...
Elliott Gould: i was the one who said the Season 6 1980-81 season of SNL would last forever...
E.T.: well, E.G., now you get to feel the pain of promises broken to a boy in the woods...
Daly: on the daily, you get reminded that he's not around every day...
Leif Garrett: i was so happy back then as a kid...i had a pool and a barbecue all to myself...i didn't have the white picket i had the white house!...if only i didn't fucking grow up...
Dirg: YEAH TELL ME EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! NO HIDING! tell me i have hippie hair so i can look back later in my life when i go bald. tell Pasqually the pizza was a little dry...
Dirg: their kid is annoying as fuck...give him the teddy bear and get him out of this steamy picture already!...
Robert Culp: did that teddy bear just talk? i swear i heard the bear talk...
Dirg: ah, hunky men in briefs, this was also the last decade that was considered handsome...
Dirg: what? this would NOT happen in real life. she would be HOSTILE let me tell ya! i know firsthand these things!
Laertus: not a dumb blonde. went to Berkeley, case closed!
Eye: she's comparing the tart to her little sister, the female empowerment is starting to seep in and emerge, good girl. can something truly be just physical, you need the mind to ejaculate. hmmm, maybe total honesty is not what's needed in a strong relationship...
Dirg: blame society for not wanting brutality in honesty. tough truth. relationship recipes, i must learn at least those, i have no family. rather disturbing how Natalie spills the beans on the cheating with that blank stare like a Peloton Housewife...
Takahashi: okay i love the L.A. night scenery on the way home, the drive-thrus lit up in neon, Safeway The Store before The Store! and the Burger Joint! that somehow serves tacos!!!...
Dirg: okay what is the DEAL with that scene with Elliott Gould and Dyan Cannon about the other couple's affair? that thing went on FOREVER!!! i mean is this scene an hour or what!!!?...
cat familiars: cats don't need to be walked, no handwringing and second-guessing...
Elliott Gould: i need to exercise in here, quarantine. how do you expect me to train for the Olympics if i don't take a walk!...
Dirg: no way that shrink says vagina in his own home...
Eye: i call my own cunt teetee...
Laertus: all of Paul Mazursky's films have that signature psychiatrist one-on-one scene, even this his first film.
Robert Culp: you've got the guilt anyway, don't waste it. don't waste a condom...
Robert Culp: hey honey, lose the blouse, i want to sell this thing! why is it that when there's a camera in a man's hand it automatically becomes pervy?...
Dirg: and suddenly this becomes Austin Powers and bubble booths! dancing in large champagne flutes, Comic-Con take notes!!!...
Roger Federer: i was the tennis instructor in this film. i need to make funds now that i retired. so i stalk around Beverly Hills seeing if any lonely housewives need a lesson. it was so funny when Robert Culp didn't kill me. btw my favorite drink is lemonade, especially in the bedroom...
Eye: that was the one scene missing from this glorious film. i really needed to see a scene on the tennis court with the foursome playing couples doubles in their cute tennis outfits...
Roger: i got am Italian luxury sports car. there are no luxury sports cars from Spain...
James Holzhauer: my dad told me stories about this Vegas. candy colors and you could actually bet your life savings and no one would care...
Dirg: the iconic bed scene...
Mardith: Dirg if we ever get married we are NOT wifeswapping. i wouldn't do that to Laertus and Eye. those two are my friends, they are a nice couple!
Dirg: WEDDING'S OFF!!!
Dirg: i mean this whole movie is a LIE!!! they don't ACTUALLY wife-swap, have sex with their best friend's wife, actually FUCK! why the hell not? there's a look into the camera breaking the fourth wall, and......STOP! they were SO close to forming the first polycule! if you're gonna ruin the illusion of the movie by looking into the camera the least you can do is give a wink to the camera and GO THROUGH WITH THE THING!!! G'NIGHT, FOLKS!!!
Laertus: hey Eye, when they're staring at each others' faces in the parking lot like that to mirror the beginning with the nonverbal communication, what did it remind you of? for me it's my dad at UCLA drama camp in the summer, they did those acting exercises every morning before brekkie, built trust...
Eye: mirror the begin. when i see this end scene there's a little song that plays in the back of my head:
i'd like to teach the world to sing...
Regis: how are you feeling, my friend? are you comfortable?
Larry King: i feel ice cold...
Pat: i've made my decision. i want to complete my A levels. or F levels as it were, i get bad grades...
Galivant: that will not do! you have to get a job! you have to learn enough to earn enough! to feed me and the kids!
Pat: wait we're having children?
Galivant: you have no idea.
Pat: okay okay i'll go to Dartmouth to complete my PhD.
Dirg: lesbians shoot darts in their mouths...
Pat: i'll make money on the side with odd jobs. to get a playpen with a swing. i'll be a pro tennis player part-time. i'll be a fulltime pro speedboater on a speedball. my life will always be on skis...
the couple sail away from the harbor of Water on a small fishing ferry boat holding onto the other's Chipotle cloud-leather jacket...
Pat: i'll form a band on the side, we'll practice in a bodega, i'll start smoking simply to quit to gain the knowledge enough to write the lyrics to "Cold Turkey"...
Galivant: where we're going, there is no thanksgiving...
President Biden: the only Holocaust survivor to serve in Congress, he was my best friend...he was a light...he went to Berkeley...
Galivant: what will your PhD be in?
Pat: everything.
