Molly Q and Max Kellerman are spotted through the rustling Halloween howling dried twig treebranches of the most famous hotel in Paris, slipping through the back-entrance brick under cover of night and trash bins with a quickness the paparazzi only capture their chins...
Kim Jong-un gets up to the dais on his hands and knees. the mic is crackling because his tears are on it:
Kim: i'd like to address my people. the reason i'm crying is i was given the Putin vaccine...
Mardith takes a strong hold of Dirg's hand:
Dirg: lick it...
Mardith: i want to knock some sense into your hand! knock around its lines! there's gotta be good SOMEWHERE in there! there's still hope for you! people nowadays for some reason are reverting back to astrology. like your supposed Sign has anything to do with it.
Dirg: yeah, what is this, the Jack Tripper '70s!!!?
Mardith: it's about thinking. controlling thinking. so it doesn't control you. your sacred sacron sacrum is out of alignment...
Michael Weiss in a speedo: people asking for medical help for their children on Instagram...
Gladyce: don't have potatoes for weeks. two weeks. you're gonna savor that first fries, it won't taste like apple slices...
Takahashi: i like tv, but shows go on WAY too long. till there are just too many episodes. after the last cable outage, i decided i was just gonna watch the show and read the one review...
Dirg: AV Club?
Takahashi: Bubbleblabber. I GOT MY TIME BACK!!! when i realize all the time i've missed, all the shows i've missed, all i can do is binge all the shows at once, that's it, just the shows...
Toots Vosti, Ana Hard, and a cute girl with a pink ribbon in her hair and mary jane shoes by the name of Piper Sandler all join the Orchid Girls. all the Orchid Girls wear lace masks now...
Orchid Girls: we will not be replaced by the Gorjana Girls! they will not wrap themselves around our little neck!
Takahashi: i've never had tea at McDonald's...
Gladyce to Doryce: it's illegal to eat popcorn if you're not gonna clean up the mess of kernels on the floor...
Doryce to Dirg: when you're shucking corn ears for that matter all the corn strands everywhere...
Gladyce: why can't you pick up after yourself!!?
Doryce: i'm a naturally messy person, i can't help it...
Doryce: mail my sweepstakes lottery letter, walk all the way to the Post Office, you know vagrants like Dirg here steal our letters from our mailbox at night!!
Gladyce: at least extend me the same courtesy why didn't you go to the Post Office to mail my ballot!!? i could have gotten beaten up on the way!!!...
Rubikon: translators have to have razor-sharp memories like a trap...
Gladyce to Doryce: dear i appreciate you putting the new roll of paper-towels by the pole, but how bout next time you actually REPLACE the empty paper-towel roll?!...
Doryce: that's a long thick pole...
Dirg: the Keytruda commercial tho. notice how they run over the sidewalk curb? fellas, look out for these ladies...
Dirg: you know why there were no female Rangers guest-starring last week on the big combo show?
Teuila Blakely: no, why don't you enlighten us o male Zordon. we down here are all allies...
Dirg: cos they're all pregnant...
Lorne Michaels to Cecily Strong: i really don't know how y'all do it! you put together an entire show in a fucking week having NO IDEA what the fuck the show's gonna be about the week before!!!
Cecily: pay me more...
Dirg: SNL is biased against country music.
Cecily: no, just country-music dudebros...
Kyle Mooney: at least there's no more time to do a Cut-For-Time cos of covid...
Dirg: curse you Midwood!!! oh how i hate Brooklyn! but i want a Midwood book cover as my wife...
Doryce: the mint from my red-state BBQ melted...
Dirg: when a celeb doesn't post at all on a Saturday, we all know what that means...…...she fucked on a Friday...
at Knott's Berry Farm, Mardith and Dirg are...well, together, by each other, not really a date...
the two are up perched in the Sky Cabin till Madame Pons breaks them up in her bumper car...
Pons: TERMINATOR!!!
Pons also gets in a fistfight with Madame Shadic...
Boc: i love doing all the lawns Sunday morning, the phoenii are not yet awake, the isle is quiet, and i hum my favorite Maroon 5 song through the real blue tulips...
Laertus to Dirg: hey Dirg, you don't have to take the Vanquish when it's cool out, only when it's hot.
Dirg: i'm taking the Digital Headache Vanquish, the blue ones, is that the same as the regular ones? is my dealer ripping me off!!!?
Doryce to Gladyce: the trick, dear, is don't eat everything on your plate, no tongues out licking unless it's my wap...
Gladyce: Woman As President?
President Bump: the Norwegian woman on The Weather Channel STILL hasn't had her baby!!! fake news...
Doryce: no my clit. deliberately throw a quarter of the food away, that's how you stay thin...
Michael Weiss in a speedo: Instagram's just one big guilt trip...
Boc: I DID IT AGAIN!!! i watered the lawn courts without my special shoes!!! i still have the clay-court mentality!!! i spent the rest of the morning cleaning out the grooves of my tennis shoes with the same spoon i used to eat my Rice Krispies with that morning! my moms pops always told me to spool the hose so it doesn't look like a drunk snake. one of these days that hose is gonna break me trying to yank it over that cobblestone, pierced, all the water will come out like Mary Pierce...
John McEnroe: Mary Pierce lookin' like a snack at the 2020 French Open in that red dress...…...
Dirg: we must be aware of simp comments. you know the ones: long longwinded flowery comments taking up space talking about how her eyes are the oceans and his skin is the hot dog...
Laertus: so poetry. you're mad at poetry. don't get mad cos you can't write poetry like that. mad cos you can't hang poetry on her lantern like that...
Cotard: so before we begin, i'd just like to make my confession and say that it was indeed Thich Nhat Hanh.........he was the one who was my partner-in-crime that night, he was thicc as all get-out that night. he taught me how to fit 10 plums in my mouth...
Michael Weiss in a speedo: you get many likes on Instagram not cos you're likable, but because you're not a bot...
Dirg: what's the point of being asexual?
Michael Weiss in a speedo: so you can eat a lot of food during your lifetime...
Takahashi: Seattle's 7-Eleven, i've never seen a 7-Eleven stashed tucked away in a classy department-store facade like that before.
Dirg: not like Macy's...
Eye: like it's a Rampage building...the arcade game...
Helen Rosner is the Orchid Girls cook...
the millennial Italian saint Carlos Acutis shipwrecks on the island...to prepare for Vatican...
Dirg: he's just a hacker...
Eye: Carlos, you're cute! well you were cute, island life you know...
Laertus: that PBS interstitial is SO inspiring!!! absolutely amazing and heartwrenching. Nova literally changes the direction and trajectory of accomplishment in this woman's life, from sleeping-in-her-car poverty to big ideas and outer space scholarship.
Eye Luggage: don't say she's a fat chick, Dirg...
Dirg: can't say that about the space black guy...
Tyzik: Colin Farrell on The Batman set? that's Christopher Meloni filming his new Law & Order show on the Gotham set!!!...prepare for baby-daddy cameos...
Eye: what were we talking about again?...…...oh yes, FOLKS, please listen to me for once in your miserable lives!!! tonight we are HONORED to have Celine and Jesse THEMSELVES here in the podcast booth!
Laertus: au revoir...i mean, sorry, i get nervous around greatness, you are an inspiration to my every cell...
Celine: merci.
Eye and Cotard: hey that's my line...our line...
Jesse: there's a hunger still unsatisfied, like that Pink Floyd song "High Hopes".
Cusack: High Fidelity?
Cotard: i love that "High Hopes" music video, that's a very monk video...
Jesse: humans, no matter what they have, all the things and people they have in their lives, are never satisfied, they always want more, more keychains, more hotel keys, more sex, more knowledge...
Eye: yeah cos if your dreams are realized, what more is there to do?
Jesse: it's a restlessness in the human soul to never sit still and be satiated, sated, nor seated. human all too human, like a Turin horse...
Dirg: or maybe you're just a Hollywood asshole. yeah man why can't you just be satisfied with Julie Delpy for fuck sake?!!!...
Eye: Before Midnight and go...
Laertus: TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laertus faints, crying collapsing into Eye's shoulder.
Laertus: i'm sorry but...THAT SCENE...that scene was momentous! the greatest moment of my life!! *looks at Eye* sorry, honey. i mean when you see the twins in the backseat, the two little matching girls with the blonde hairs so big they cover their entire bodies, you know, you know, you know
THE OTP HAS BEEN CONSUMMATED!!!
you see, nothing matters anymore, nothing in life matters anymore, you'll get through the hard times, you'll make it to the other side, Celine and Jesse are forever linked through these children!!! IT HAPPENED FOR THE COUPLE!!! they are forever united!
Celine: we felt the same...at first...
Jesse: i did it all for the apple...
Jesse: yeah it's like no matter how hard our lives get, how difficult our agreed-upon union, even if we separate, we are never separated because we are forever cosmically together cos we made two sprouts.
Dirg: keep the D word to dick, not divorce. cute kids. i mean they are creepier than The Shining twins and do nothing in the film and are just there as props and to show they exist but...cute kids. i want kids...
Eye: *starry-eyed* OH JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY!!!
Laertus: the love has already happened. i remember being at work after that scene, i was beaming from ear to ear, grinning silently and my coworkers thought something was wrong with me...
Eye: you have an office? where is it located?
Laertus: nothing else matters. Jesse and Celine are permanent parents! of the same DNA keychain! the world is good! there's hope!!!
Dirg: yeah and what are you complaining about this go-round? you're lamenting the world is STILL going to hell in a handbasket? how? you're doing all this during the Obama monarchy reign!!!
Dirg: half of this film takes place in a neverending car-ride through the countryside...
cat familiars: ghastly! ghastly decision to leave in the script! we disavow this film on grounds of animal cruelty...not shown but stated...the story of the frisky pregnant party-girl cat and her litter of kittens...kitties in a bag...NO MORE!!! what's with these European films and animal abuse!!!?...
Dirg: so this is what Cassie from Skins would have ended up as with her middle-aged ass...
Celine shoots Dirg a non-sexual dirty look:
Celine: my end?...
Jesse: the airport scene at the beginning...
Dirg: ...yeah not starting off well. you immediately introduce the kid. once a kid is involved and you can put a face to Hank who has smartass lines, it's all Brady Bunch cousin downhill from there...
Jesse: i was confused cos an old-timey general who likes maple syrup doesn't know a thing about airplanes. also, i learned to distrust driveways from Celine's apartment last film. cul-de-sacs...
Dirg: good boy.
Jesse: ...so i sat down on the tarmac...and waited. an hour of real-life film time elapsed and i get a call from the last public phone. it's Celine wondering where the fuck i am and to come pick them up. i'm thinking she means the luggage, the two suitcases, but she meant the kids...
Jesse: let me allay your fears right now, fellas, this film is set in Greece but it's WAY better than Mamma Mia...
Dirg: not a film to take your niece...
Laertus: *chuckles* haha, and once again more of Jesse's harebrained-but-actually-brilliant ideas for future novels code for future films...
Dirg: the guy with amnesia who can only remember his bad memories...
Laertus: ...that's called trauma...
Cotard: Xenia's last name means "son of monk"...
Ariane Labed: i'm dramatizing onscreen the real-life romance relationship i had with Batman...
Dirg: lots of beds in that drama. yeah, Batman and that Twilight chick...
Tyzik: Django Reinhardt? you mean Ricky Ricardo...
Celine and Jesse are strolling together as they do:
Celine: looks like it's time for us to get out of the booth and start walking and talking again...:
Jesse: we filmed the 2nd film during that infamous European heat wave, remember?
Codrus: you cursed me for heat waves! you'd KILL to just have heat waves again...
Celine: WE caused that heat wave, Jesse, you and i the two of us. it reached 150 degrees right after the ending of Before Sunset when we fucked like wild mongeese for 3 days in my apartment with the black blinds on...
Dirg: mongeese? mongooses? mongoosed?...
Celine: salt mandalas? Greek saint paintings staring at me? i have a death wish...
Jesse: nah you just like the mudbath those swarthy Pompeii men took to make their skin look so good...
Laertus: once again Linklater using to perfection the local Greek actors and one actress in particular who delivers a heartrending soliloquy on love and loss and forgetting how your spouse's face looked like. Dick nails it every time...
Dirg: they were talking bout some weird shit in that open-air stone Mount Olympus café. robots overtaking humanity? the only tech they had back then was Skype, how quaint, sex will become solely through screens?......like this were covid or something...
Dirg to Jesse: it's weird seeing you get a text from Hank and that familiar modern boop sound, i'm still with you on that '90s train...
Dirg: poor Celine, she's not sexy anymore. she only gets some by mimicking a blowjob and a triangle-pussy-clit-wap-lick with her hand and fingers. and by licking her pray hands which as a staunch Christian i found particularly hot. who knew praying a prayer was ice cream? she's jealous of the young girl who actually gets some...
Celine slaps Dirg hard on the cheek...
Celine: i talk with knives, i'm French woman, not American woman......
Laertus: i was thinking that young girl and her Shakespearean stage lover would start walking along the beach and start up the new trilogy...
Eye: i mean this ex-wife of Jesse. WHO is she!? will she ever be cast? what does she look like? by all accounts this woman is a shedevil! Satan herself!!!
Dirg: American cunt, go with Jena Friedman...
Laertus: save the wife mudwrestling for the fourth film...
Mardith: couples massage? really? there's your problem, there's where you went wrong, shoulda went with the empath counseling...
Eye: Celine's experience is very valid, no matter the year, a woman juggling being a mom with a wife and her own career, what exactly is a woman's identity in these times?...
Dirg: you can't be a passionate woman and be married...tied down with kids and school lunches and peanut-butter hummus...you gotta be free...a passionate European woman anyway...
Dirg: yeah, writing isn't a hobby! it isn't a hobby for him! haven't you heard? being a writer is a full-time job now!!! covers on the wine glasses make them look like grape juice boxes. WHOA!!! WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT!!!
Eye: yeah, man, this film unlike the other two REALLY goes all-out with the sex! i'm sure you were getting audience clamor in letters that they REALLY wanted these two to finally fuck...and SHOW IT ON SCREEN!!! not just in fanfics. how did you feel about that scene, Celine?
Celine: well on the one hand it's exploitative---you can't get away with this anymore on film sets---but on the other hand it's kinda cool that they let a middle-aged woman show her 43-year-old tits like it was nothing like that. after all, this does happen in real life believe it or not, love is love is old love...
Laertus: it is so French and i love you and it. Ripley's caused Bumpism...
Dirg: beautiful big tits. come on, man, show ya girl some love!!! kiss kiss kiss? don't just kiss each tit and go straight for the clit! it's not about the pussy, it's not about the wap, it's about dat ass! her HUGE butt! give the worldly magnificent sumptuous Julie Delpy some anal!!!
Dirg: Celine, you should have REALLY NOT LOVED HIM ANYMORE. that would have made for a more interesting movie. more realistic. you should have dumped his skinny ass. you should have divorced him.
Dirg: the scene should have gone down like this:
Celine: i don't love you anymore.
Jesse: you don't mean that.
Celine: yes i do. i want a divorce.
Jesse: you're just sore that i'm the Chicago Cubs fan in the house and you're stupid White Sox...
Laertus: but that ending is so hopeful...
Eye: don't cry again, dear, my shoulder can't take it...
Laertus: ...you two DO reconcile. and may i say you'd look hot as an 82-year-old gilf, Celine...
Laertus: there's poetry in the ending. you two made the hard direct willful decision to fulfill your dreams and fantasies, it's been hard work, but you wouldn't have it any other way, the OTHER way would have been worse and permanently scarring, living with the eternal pain of regret. this is how it should be, you're OTP, all is right with the world. you WILL be together till the end...this is the thing, this doesn't have to be the end of the trilogy, you can continue making one of these every 9 years and it will be as fresh as ever because we'll be fortunate to have the real lives of Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy provide the stuff for the future scripts...
Eye: Before Hank, coming 2022...
Dirg: and wilful decision. ending should have gone down like this:
Jodie Whittaker: i'm Doctor Who...
Celine: i hate you! you took my role! we were gonna have the first-ever FRENCH DOCTOR WHO!!!...
Celine and Jesse: is life a dream? or is life a memory?……...g'night, folks...fall asleep together in a pretzel on a table in a Greek open-air restaurant under a blanket of stars...
Dirg: with Ye Olde Trip To Jerusalem in the background...
at Galivant's bungalow private tennis court, a pale blue glow the moon blows blankets the sky and the square sweat dripping from chins on the square below:
Galivant: look how i hold the racquet on the other side of the net, mimick me, we're doubles partners, we're twins...
the sky and the corners of the court begin to take on tiny flecks of orange...
Pat: i'm doing it!
Galivant: as we hit the ball back and forth, anticipate my stroke, anticipate my strike, the velocity angle of where the ball is gonna be, assume the point of your corner, be at that spot beforehand, until we're a well-oiled machine, until we can read each other's thoughts and minds...
the glow begins to take form, it shapes itself into a beam which ricochets off Pat's racquet and shoots in a column in Galivant's face. Galivant lands on the hard grass surface with a thud...
Pat: what happened? i saw your face for the first time, Gali, for the first time under this light...
Pat: ...you had teddy-bear buttons for eyes……...Galivant? OH NO!!!
Galivant has turned into a mannequin...
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