Novak Djokovic wins the French Open.
nobody applauds. there are a scant few spectators in the stands but these spectators don't applaud.
Novak: you knew this would happen. i got 2020'd along with the rest of you but i bounced back. see i used the appropriate tennis-ball metaphor there. Nadal was so lackadaisical, he thought all he had to do was show up and the red clay trophy was his. FINALLY i beat Nadal at the French Open and fucking WIN something for my troubles!!! you know, instead of getting NOTHING for it.
Nadal: you got lucky, man.
Novak: there is no luck when it comes to you on clay, you're harder than 3 perfect games in a row in baseball. and i've seen your dick.
Novak: i was so MAD, both meanings, even exaggerated like a MadTV Stuart skit, i simply wasn't gonna let myself lose!!! i was so determined to get this cos i was denied the U.S. Open that nobody or no force was gonna deny me. you can't stop a man with will.
Nadal: very Nietzschean.
Novak: and to think, i still had enough fans that were able to harass that poor lineswoman.
Nadal: sick world. yeah you have no friends nor family but everyone has online stalkers...
Molly Q: not associated with any crazy groups. i have crazy fans but who doesn't. the Marlins v. Cubs in 2020, you can't blame Bartman this time, THERE IS NO ONE IN THE STANDS!!!
Rubikon: this stage won't do. you can't keep trying to avoid people, this is getting comical. we must confront each other hard with masks.
Kamala and Pence are divided by a crazy-looking pane of fiberglass:
Kamala: i'm still speaking. this looks like Walmart, of which their Union is voting for me.
President Bump: i mean why is this plastic wall higher than my Wall?...
Pence: excuse me, is this a debate or a rodeo? i can still hear the woman talking...
Kamala: i thought you had a booming voice, didn't you used to do radio?
Pence: yes but Christian radio...
Bump: come here, Kamala. it's okay, Mike. where's your nurse outfit, we roleplay in an hour. it's the only way i'm gonna take my medicine. you're the nurse i sent for, right? my butt tastes good, everyone at Mar-a-Lago tells me.
Kamala: your medicine that no one else in the world takes? tell me, how does it taste? your medicine not your stanky ass. i'm not a nurse. i mean i'm not a hooker...
Montel Williams strolls Paris alone, existentializing:
Montel: can you believe what's happened? Kamala once appeared as my date for an MTV Awards show back when that was a thing, i remember she wore a thin pink dress, NOBODY had any clue who she was, she had to say her unusual name Kamala into the microphone and all the reporters promptly mispronounced it when they were prompted. she was invisible, part of the wallpaper. who knew she'd be so close to the top of the mountain now? i'm not jealous, i'm happy for her. really. just wish i had a psychic by my side who would have told me this was gonna happen...
Mardith: don't drink it away, smoke it away, pray it away, fuck it away. instead, sit with your feelings. sit down and really feel what's going on inside you, actually FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.
Dirg: even if that means me getting into a pizza panic? you're teaching me so many things, those who can't act, podcast...
i got the perfect tagline for your radio show: JOIN US!!!...…...ON YOUTUBE!!! like the old concert films used to do. are you ever gonna do a book-signing ever again?
Mardith: i will be in person again. i will experience live music again. i will dance barefoot in the grass of the Monterey Jazz Festival again, or i shall surrender my young hipster card.
Dirg: ...you know, i'm really liking this yoga thing...…...now. who knew? white women this cycle, the recruiting of the white unicorn...
Drew Barrymore and Tom Green are strolling around Paris together:
Tom: i'm happy for you, Drew. really. you know, it may seem that i laugh everything off in my Canadian way. it's all just a Data stifled laugh and on to the lumberjack. but i have feelings, too, Drew. i feel feelings deeply, that's why i became a comedian for fuck sake. i mean you met my parents and everything i know that was all filmed and you're suspicious of being filmed but anyway Seine water under the bridge. behind this grizzled beardy chin is a boy who cried when you left.
Drew: i feel bad for Wolfie. no, i honor you, i really do. you know how you know? Ellen hates my guts, that's the sign that i'm good. but i can't MARRY THE WORLD now can i? even though i honor everyone in it. we were two crazy kids who had no idea, like that song from John McEnroe's wife...
Tom: if i could, i would have used the tears i cried to put out that fire. this is a very interesting psychiatric case study, a psychological dilemma, with me as the man-rat. i mean how would you feel if you had to suddenly confront your past like this like i had to do? the ex you haven't seen in 45 years and it ALL comes flooding back. the bad feelings. and you have to get away in a van.
Drew: yeah is it cool if we share the same van? cost gas is insanely covid-inflated. there was a lot of unspoken pain in our silences. but that's perfect when we ride a van together, the silence won't be awkward anymore...
Tom hugs Drew.
Tom: i wish we could stay like this forever.
Drew: but who would do the show?
Tom: your show?
Drew: no i'm on SNL now...
Boc: it doesn't get any better than a sky that's overcast, with a high of 60, and the air quality's good...
it's a mood to water the lawns under a grey sky...
Mick Fleetwood waters the nearby grass court with his cranberry juice and smiles...
Mick: sorry mate, i'm afeared i had a little too much to drink tonight...
Serano: hey, no peeing in public!
Mick: i'm rattlin' me bones tonite
Serano: oh excuse me Mr. Mick, i didn't see you there in the shadow, please pee wherever you want...
Venus Skylace---Venus Williams's little-known sister---and Sour Queen join the Orchid Girls by stepping their heels into the newest locale on the island, the island's first-ever Doll Hut.
Serano: the three of them guard their privacy like a smuckered key...
Dirg: you mean hideout. this place is getting swanky! you know for years i thought the Doll Hut was a strip club, not a hardcore club...…...hardcore punk...
Laertus: the place where the walls are all tatted up with tiny skateboard stickers...
Takahashi rams his ragtop into a puddle cloud...
Takahashi: high. i'm experiencing a high.
Dirg: steroids is a helluva drug...
cat familiars: why is everyone naming their frickin' cat Lucifer!!?
Codrus smiles. his smile is the ellipsis of a tennis ball...
Tyzik: yeah i know.
Laertus: Soderbergh has that Swedish director in him, has that Ingmar Bergman in him for an American...
Dirg: the Kings Hawaiian commercial is creepy. what's in the box that delivery man is smiling about? his dick?
Dirg: the Progressive twirly sign guy. this commercial is SO unrealistic! this spazz who needed his daddy two commercials ago is now shacking up with the hot Indian babe from GLOW?!!!
Eye Luggage: you're glowing red from jealousy. it's nice that the Obec Mental Health building is next to the 7-Eleven...
Takahashi: i go to the Ivy League 7-Eleven in Obec. you know, the one whose bricks are completely covered with a beautiful dark-green emerald blanket of ivy...
Jolie Holland: Orchid Girls?...
Dirg: you sound like Bjork...
Dirg: here, take this potatoware. film yourself on a potato and post it. get yoself a boba tea with those bigass straws...
Takahashi: i drove down to Cochagua. to the stands. by the sidewalk. they still print newspapers?
Dirg: sure, they need somewhere to still print 3-panel comics...
Dirg: i did a rain dance......i masturbated...
Dirg: you know you've made it when your backyard is in your living room...
Dirg at Madame Zuzu's tea shoppe:
Dirg: alfajor? just another unnecessarily-fancy name for cookie.
Madame Pons: whatever you do, girl, don't exercise together with him!!! it's not what you think!
Mardith: oh, so we won't be doing dumbbells together?
Pons: oh you'll be doing a dumbbell!
the crones are at The Store:
Doryce: i don't have enough for five cups of cottage cheese, dear, lend me a dolla?
Gladyce: now i won't have enough for my roast sandwich. but here's your dollar.
Doryce: spit-roast is the best. i didn't read the label and got one pineapple instead of plain. but i love pineapple, it aids in the production of cum.
when they get home, Doryce tries the pineapple one and doesn't like it...
Doryce: i like pineapple. just not pineapple cottage cheese...
Takahashi: it's amazing, the more i travel around the world the more i notice every town's the same. every town has a bridge in it that looks exactly like the Golden Gate Bridge...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: Before Sunset and go...wait, is this deja vu?
Eye: no that's the last film. the third film. and there's only one mic here, don't use your stupid lapel mics. there's one big long thick microphone that only i hold cos it's my show. my debate. and yes, i use the mic at the aftershow for my vibrator...
Dirg slaps Laertus on the back.
Dirg: not much of a memorable performer, aye mate?
Laertus: so yeah. let me just say: i'm in love with Richard Linklater. top two directors of all time. after Ingmar natch. i love this guy's vibe so much. i want to write like him. the only script that matters is two people talking about life, those are the only films which matter. i am a fan of this trilogy than i ever was with Star Wars. i got the Before Trilogy green puppet. i bought the hat, i have a Before Trilogy hat. that i wear. it's black. i can finally wear hats again...
Pat: before you get in a pizza panic, i have something to admit...i ate all the...i'm a nervous eater...
Jerry Seinfeld on 60 Minutes: SEINFELD OPENING!!! i knew i loved movies about people falling in and out of love with a concept and with a conceit...
Serano and Ryan Seacrest: we know that boat at the beginning!!!
Laertus: same boat, nice touch. is this where the tears come?
Dirg: okay see, THIS one is set in France. and the next one's in Greece, right?...
Laertus: this is funny. you see Ethan Hawke rambling off and on about his hot and cold ideas about various ideas for stories to publish? see that's just Linklater himself brainstorming. i love this concept he has of a life inside the three minutes of a pop song. he should call it
Hemingway Fucks Britney Spears
Cotard: huh. a lifetime inside a molecule of time, a space where ALL time is EVERY time, where everything that's happened in a life is occurring at the SAME time, all at once forever. yeah, my brother had his evil hand in creating this, making life this way...
Laertus: i would have been so floored seeing Celine again through that window i'd fall back in my chair and hit my head on the hipster skateboard-stickered wall.
Dirg: oh no, this is REAL. no dreams, please!!!
Eye: still gotta contend with the mirror...
Laertus: real bookstores and cafes in Paris by the way. this was all shot in one shot, one continuous shot. and it takes place in real time, it's like one of those 24 episodes...
Laertus: also, this film is COMPLETELY improvised, the entire thing...
Dirg: wow! who knew actors could write?! Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy should just become fulltime writers in Hollywood. write the next Star Trek series so it's good. and not animated!!!...
Dirg: why is it Hawke btw? why isn't it just Ethan Hawk, why the e?
Laertus: Linklater smartly used a female scribe for the first film to get a female voice in there. otherwise the first film would have been a creepy guy on a train. this second film is a vessel to fucking escape reality.
Boc: into fucking reality. the man is saddled with a wife and kid and Julie is in a convenient artist photog relationship.
Pat: it's all a little too pat.
Boc: it's too realistic. we need them out of their relationships. WE NEED THESE TWO TOGETHER!!!
Laertus: wish fulfillment is a helluva drug.
Boc: when you make the man have a son, you make the man permanent.
Ryan Seacrest: hopefully...
Boc and Ryan are at the craps table together but see past each other as they each talk to the wall...
Dirg: actually it's more realistic this way. Ethan is a dad so when he inevitably eventually drops everything for quote "love" that's what happens with EVERY divorced dad who needs that next piece of new ass and destroys his first family that he soons forgets even existed anymore. not that i'm speaking from experience with my dad. my dad doesn't know my name...
Dirg: poor Hank, it's not his fault that he was born. the kid becomes collateral damage in a neverending back-and-forth war......between the head and the heart. a back-and-forth froth war. the pursuit of love destroys families...
Eye: nah, that one unique fated once-in-a-lifetime blink-and-you'll-miss-it love of regret and recrimination is worth EVERYTHING. even death. especially death. right, honey?
Laertus gulps.
Laertus: the only pacts i make are peace pacts.
Billy Corgan: like my spark...
Dirg: what would you do if you had a second chance to get the one that got away?...
Tyzik: ask the Liberty Mutual guy with the emu...
Laertus: it must be hard to be the subject of a bestselling book. you can't hide anymore, you can't be anonymous. OKAY AGAIN WITH THIS??! SERIOUSLY!!? Ethan again has to be somewhere because...why? he has to catch a flight, but...fucking reuniting with your goddamn soul mate after nine years, how about you drop your LIFE and be with her forever!!!
Eye: send Neale Donald Walsch in your stead on that plane...
Dirg: Freedom Fries? seriously? 9/11, we hardly knew ye. they talk of Communism in such a quaint way...
Eye: it's funny how they talk in each film about how the world is going to shit. they have no IDEA what awaits the world in 2016...which caused 2020...
Dirg: it's really bad now. i'm moving to France...
Dirg: is Ethan Hawke supposed to look anorexic in this? starving artist?
Eye: he was freshly going through his divorce from Uma at the time. which is what this film is about...
Dirg: and break out the cigarettes to make this TRULY a French existentialist film...had no idea either of them smoked...
Cotard: again with the monks scene. this is true, Buddhist monks are horny like that. the man i strolled with that night was a Buddhist monk who sucked my cock when we returned to the monastery...
Dirg: what would you rather do?: read Thomas Merton at Thunderbird bookshop or fuck Julie Delpy?...
Laertus: OF COURSE he wrote the book as a Hail-Mary to see if he could find her again somewhere on this vast globe.
Pat cries and sings about Fievel.
Laertus: ...that's what guys do! Ethan Hawke has no interest in fame!
Dirg: this is why i'm an artist...to get girls…to find girls again...
Laertus: *pats Dirg on the shoulder* trying to be, buddy. i feel the hurt here. the pain of loss and what-could-have-been. you wonder, what if you had made the right decision at the right moment, everything would be different now.
Dirg: first time hearing his last name?
Eye: i don't like her argument. she claims they shouldn't have gotten together cos they would have ended up hating each other in time. i mean you can't LIVE like that. where you think to yourself, well, EVENTUALLY this is all gonna fall apart so why even start? i mean if you thought like that there would be no NOTHING: no love, no war, no life, no work, no art.
Dirg: no divorce.
Laertus: just dreams. which is what this is. except it's real, all too real.
Dirg: oh no, Celine intimates that this is all the dream of a dying woman on her deathbed overlooking Notre Dame Cathedral by the river...her grandmother perhaps?...
Laertus: and the river of fire. another irony, they talk of Notre Dame Cathedral as this strong symbol statuary of everlasting resilience. not knowing the dark chapter in store for the poor chapel...
Cotard sighs.
Laertus: he so wants to fuck her, he's not even listening tlo her when she talks of S&M terms or that she has probably thought of suicide.
Dirg: if only she had done her environmentalisming better we wouldn't be in this mess! i dunno, i think this bipolar bitch is a nightmare. not worth it. i mean she DID stand him up! the great train robbery! at the end of the first film, the supposed overture of righteous romance that was supposed to be consummated...never even happened!!!
Eye: four years, promises kept. uh, five years, right?...
Laertus: poor Jesse. see? he SHOULD have written her. always write letters to your soul mate even if they never get returned. i mean dude ends up becoming a WRITER out of all this!!!
Laertus: brilliant scene in the back of the cab, Julie reaches for Ethan but pulls back, Ethan reaches for Julie but pulls back, this was the sequel's version of the first film's Telephone Game...
Dirg: okay that quaint cobblestone courtyard, there are no roads out of it, RUN ETHAN RUN while you still have a chance!!! those two are Julie Delpy's real-life father and mother. but i know what's really going on: that is really Julie's grandmother. see? she lied about the funeral, another female trick to entrap a man.
Dirg: oh come on! that waltz on Julie's guitar is cheesy as fuck! who wrote this? Billy Corgan?
Eye Luggage: notice how Ethan rubs his wedding ring. sign that he's ready to forget his past and embrace his present, a beautiful blonde French girl dancing in front of him...
Laertus: wow, i didn't notice that! nice catch, babe. my smart sex kitten of pure love rained down from the heavens of the celestial galaxy, permanent and fated.
Eye blushes on top of her pallid goth makeup.
Dirg: oh god will you two get married already so i don't have to see you like this anymore? in perpetual miami heat? marriage will cool you two down and off. congrats, pal, you finally had sex.
Laertus: this ending is the most beautiful ending ever committed to film, it's so beautiful sensual and hopeful. sexy without any clothes coming off. that he found her again after all these years, against all odds. that they are gonna consummate and consecrate their relationship properly, what they should have done all those years ago, that the right just path is gonna be taken. that true love wins out and waits out. despite everything against them, needle in a haystack, these two crazy kids, they find each other again. AND YES, DUMMY, FINALLY!!! you don't have to catch that flight! it's not that important!!! it's so beautiful. it's so so beautiful.
Laertus begins to cry. he cries on Eye's shoulder. Eye hugs Laertus.
Eye: better "I Know" than Han Solo...
Dirg: isn't it a little convenient that he HAPPENS to find the Nina Simone CD there? not saying he broke into her apartment and planted it there, but. you can tell this French commie's gonna be a handful. and i'm not talking about her skinny-white-girl butt. standards were relaxed ever since the French Revolution and the world has gone to shit. can a white woman talk credibly about a black woman's butt? the way she mimicks Nina's voice, very disrespectful. cultural appropriation up the wazoo butt. g'night, folks.
Galivant and Pat stroll around Paris together. stroll around specifically the French Open courts:
Galivant: nice. i want you to slowly stroll around every clay court in this complex. feel.
Pat: i feel dirt sinking into my toenails...
Galivant: feel. feel it. feel the uncomfortableness. see? you're slowly getting used to moving around in this quicksand...
later that night, in an open-air French Open night match, Pat defeats Danielle Collins.
Pat: i never wanted this. i'm not against college! i'm all for higher education! college education. did you know i went to Princeton?...
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