Laertus: Celine and Jesse...…...i've been thinking about them all day, all night, ever since last week, month, year, prebirth hades. haven't stopped thinking about them. these two are the only people persons human beings who matter, their couplehood transcends religion science and the foible of emotion. they are here, holding up the firmament to existence...
Celine: we are real people, not personas. we are over there......in some country...so we are always here...in your mind...
Laertus: you two are my universe.
Jesse: thanks, man. you know it's funny, the diehards and casual fans all wanted us to fuck onscreen, right?...…...and, actually, we don't technically fuck on screen, we get interrupted by life problems before coitus...
Celine: so our next film is a crossover with The Boondocks where we all get together at the barber shop and explore our attitudes to living in the Bump Era...
Dirg: see? this is the problem with projects. this is the problem with reddit. this is what happens when you actually DO decide to collab on Instagram...
Gladyce: wipe the butter off your knife BEFORE you put it in the dishwasher...
Doryce: capital idea! save the butter for the tub...
at The Treehouse, the stringy strands of Mardith's hair mixes with the crushed legs and wings of an unfortunate spider in the tub...
Dirg: Maci Currin...…...jus' sayin'...in bed...
Kaiti Brosh joins the Orchid Girls...
Rubikon: my moms was telling me this: it's weird how the word covid is still not recognized on a word processor after all this time, it's still marked as a misspelled word...
after watching Jim Cantore on The Weather Channel on their tv Dirg rubs heating oil on himself at LUSH...
Whistling Queen joins the Orchid Girls...
Gladyce: it was ironic when we were on vacation. i know, you're thinking to yourself, these old bats have it made in paradise on this island! but there's no Disney Store here. a Starbucks but no Disney Store. we went down to Florida like a couple of good bluehairs not for the earlybird special but for the Goofy hats. and the Winnie the Pooh pants...
Doryce: it's only fair that i can stroll the park bottomless if Winnie and Donald can.
Gladyce: so i played a mind-game on myself to keep my mind limber. i deliberately bought you the Winnie the Pooh pants with Winnie bottomless on the pants to be---as the kids are these days---wearing something ironically...
Doryce: great, thanks, that reminds me, Halloween and Christmas are canceled this year...
Dirg: culture is canceled...
Doryce at Starbucks chugs an entire bottle of Irish Cream straight no chaser...
Mardith: i'm a 100-pound goth!!! i can't do 100-degrees, I WILT!!!
Dirg: Wilt is better than Jordan, right?
Molly Q gives Dirg a non-sexual dirty look.
Mardith: when it's midnight and it's 80-degrees out, THAT is a crime against nature and humanity...
Laertus: i just want to live in a cold, liberal place...
Dirg: you mean a cold liberal place...
Eye Luggage: but not frigid, dear...
Doryce: go head, make my day, vagrants. you can't rob the Treehouse cos all our cobblestone driveways are littered with crunchy leaves...
Codrus: tell me when you're naked...
Takahashi: in the early mornings i have to compete with the trash truck! i almost crashed my car ramming it into the trash truck getting out of the driveway this morning!!!
Beth Evans after taking over Burger King joins the Orchid Girls...
Gladyce: the bean-curd of the bacon tho! the oil scrapings with a spoon, it's so good!!! the seasalt sea-cucumber snail trail...
Doryce: just watch out for the worm in the drink, dear...
Dr. Vacc: so i'm not looking at the remdesivir dailies anymore...
Mardith: there's one way to avoid being canceled...DON'T JOIN TWITTER!!!
Jack Dorsey: that's what i've been saying!!!
Takahashi: most Starbucks now are inside grocery stores...
Mardith to Pons and the crones: WOW! we're like Sex & The City! shall we go to the dead mall or...?
Eye: *alone in the abandoned mall* why wasn't i invited…?
at the club in the casino, Madame Pons and Mardith are dancing together when Robert Miles's "Children" comes on:
Pons: thank you i don't need the reminder thanks!!! haven't met the right m...magic person yet...
Mardith: magic manic person...
Mardith: *hands in the air* THE IBIZA LIFE, BABY!!!
Run The Jewels: run the train on Jewel Kilcher...
Dirg: Showfields is just the New York City version of Macy's...
Dirg: ...and better than Macy's...and better than dat dude's Heat Gravitational Field of the Space Universe...
Mardith: shall we anon to Cafe du Monde or The Saint club in Manhattan?...
Madonna: The Saint. obviously. i'm a saint. that's where i got it all from...
Orchid Girls: PLEASE JOIN THE ORCHID GIRLS, MISS MADONNA!!!
crones: AND THE CRONES BACK AT THE OLD COUNTRY!!! YOU RELATE TO BOTH GROUPS!!!
Gladyce: oh i feel for anyone who has to do their monthly grocery shopping on the weekends...
Doryce: my psoriasis shampoo is like dumping a tub of gnat-filled gasoline on my head...
Mick Fleetwood: put that stuff in me beard...
Stevie Nicks: i was the original Cassie from Skins!!! the original Celine! if i didn't get an abortion and had Don Henley Jr., Fleetwood Mac never would have happened!!! but i just couldn't bear and bring to term a baby named Don Jr...
Mick: ironically, you fooled around with all the birds! i thought YOU were the bird! all The Eagles!!!
Stevie: bird is the sung word...
Dirg: why do Google videos of various fast-food joints around the U.S. all look like surveillance videos from Iran and China...?
Sian Massey-Ellis joins the Orchid Girls as their referee/negotiator...
Dirg: so what, you couldn't make it as a real footballer?...…...i mean on the women's team...wanna party?...
Doryce: Café Du Monde, remember how we learned French from that one bright boy in the powder-blue scratchy fuzzy '80s Yale sweater?
Gladyce: that was all you, honey, i remember when this place was the Morning Call Coffee Stand...
Dennis Miller: can you believe i used to be on SNL?...
Boc: when i opened the hose this morning, dust came out. my shoebox is now just a box of mud...
Doryce: Tootsie's Cabaret, that's where they give out the chocolate buttholes, right?...
Cotard: why does everyone have a podcast now?
Codrus: they're cheap...
Dirg: that Always commercial maxipad gilf grandma tho!!! DAT ASS!!!
Will Laren joins the Orchid Girls...
Mardith: i'm doing my pelvic floors in my new studio...
Pons: you mean your new catio...
cat familiars: that's just our apartment...
Takahashi arriving on the island in his new Javelin car: amazing animations being used on Monday Night Football...
Dirg: a lesbian can still be sexy...
Mardith to Dirg at the photography studio at the mall: i'm so glad i got to shoot you......with my camera that is...
Pons: that was MY camera...yuck! wipe the lens!
Gladyce: oh come on, Doryce! you got bananas at The Store, you expressly bought bananas, for the sole purpose of displaying them for an Instagram Instastory DM video with the music that "Bananas" song...
Dirg: Ted Owen…now what are you gonna do, Takahashi? you were limbering up your limbs getting ready for the Tokyo Olympics next year...your button-mashing finger anyway...Tanuki Mario cries teardrop as big as Tanuki Mario...
Jacqueline Scislowski: they wanted me to be another airhead cheerleader on Power Rangers. NO FUCKING WAY!!! if i'm gonna be a cheerleader it's gonna be on my own terms!!!
Dirg: didn't you go to cheer camp before this whole acting gig thing? let's see if my girl can ACTUALLY ACT. you're in a serious Lifetime Movie. Lifetime Movies, the crucible of all actors, some can't cut it, come drop like cis flies...
Jacqueline: not your girl...
Rubikon at the pharmacy: there's Melatonin in a bottle!!!? are you fucking kidding me!!!?
Dirg: why reveal the Publisher's Clearing House grand winner on Halloween Day? people will think it's a dark prank...
at Clinton Hill Mission Hill in Brooklyn, Hilary is painting her toenails waiting for the returns to come in...
Hilary: i've already died on this hill. can we get Michelle to run already?...
Takahashi crashes into a byobu shoti screen:
Takahashi: whenever i go to a McDonald's now it's always accepting applications...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: Mannequin, let's just get this over with. yes, it's Her before Her...
Dirg: i don't know what's creepier, a naked lady mannequin or a disembodied hot-lady voice...
Laertus: so this is a bad film. but it's one of those charmingly bad films, a GREAT bad film. it's big with the V A P O R W A V E set...
Eye: Ebert couldn't wait to get out of the theater. Siskel just wanted another John Hughes Chicago film...…...or another similar like it next week...
Dirg: Edfu? that's Mary Tyler Moore's boss who was always trying to sneak a peek...
Dirg: WOW! this came AFTER Pretty In Pink???! i thought things were supposed to go the other way!
Laertus: in fairness, nobody reads the Pygmalion myth in school anymore cos everyone thinks George Bernard Shaw was an asshole...
Dirg: i know Andrew McCarthy's a hunk and next-in-line to play Bond James Bond but when do we determine that this guy's a psychopath. how many naked-mannequin bodyparts does he need to play with?
Melbourne: hey. look at me. i'm a success. i drive a luxury roadster car. and my luxury wife gives roadhead...
Eye: hey. this is a sweet little fantasy. and this really is a fantasy. a true fantasy. not like a Medieval fantasy with dragons and wizards and lakes and sex in open fields.
Dirg: and Conan...
Eye: a pure fantasy. like, magic is involved but absolutely no science fiction...
Laertus: though there are Egyptian pharaohs. cow dung was more vital to the development of civilization than beer...
Dirg: Switcher? that should have been Meshach Taylor's name!
cat familiars: Hesire? Cheshire? yeah we knew those kool jazz cats back in the day...
Mardith: this is where the zodiac leads you...
Pons: my TV GUIDE horoscope always talks about taking advantage of people, taking good reliable friends for granted, and money stuff, but never love stuff...
Dirg: Philadelphia. THIS is where the election will be won......in 1987...
Dirg: Kim Cattrall. she was peaking in the '80s, she was in everything. if only she could see in the future and realize Sex & The City would just tarnish her reputation, it was trash tv pure and simple. if only she could have left the business in the '80s on top and lived the rest of her days with her brother in Hawaii...
Dirg: Estelle Getty, now you know she was taking this seriously. she wasn't the daughter of a rich newspaperman. this was only Year 2 of Golden Girls and the show got off to a shaky start, the producers thought NO WAY a show about old fogies would appeal to young people. Estelle genuinely thought the show would be canned so she was looking to her future...
Laertus: James Spader tho. i mean what is he thinking doing this? take the check and get the hell out of the theater. and into some more experimental film in the future...
Dirg: what the hell happened to Carole Davis!!!? what could have been! game shows? anything?! or is she one of those chocolate inheritresses?
Laertus: it's still okay at this time to call gay men fairies...
Dirg: ...and white cops from Ohio racist supremacists...
Laertus: the cop is like Rambo...cos Rambo is a very profitable film currently...
Eye: i like the message of this film: art. art. creativity. passion. art will always trump business and money...
Dirg: i mean i wouldn't mind waking up one morning naked on the shiny glass floor of a department store. having slept on real fur. in fact i have that fantasy each night. this rips off the Back To The Future clock in the clocktower...
Gladyce to Doryce: not Macy's btw. i'm still eyeing that Ninja Foodi for Christmas!!!...
Doryce: i like the Ninja Foodi. it's big and black...
Laertus: ah it's so warm and nostalgic to see this. this was back when window displays at the front of stores really mattered to sell merch.
Thiem: and tennis players still wore OP shorts and wristbands on their foreheads...
Dirg: this is exactly the Howard The Duck rain scene! all mannequins look the same. you can't be a loser if you have a motorcycle tho, right? one of those cool Prince Minneapolis motorcycles. watch out dude, Kim Cattrall isn't just a cougar, she's a gilf!!! she OOOOOOOLLLLLDDDDD. and only he can see her alive like she's Stewie Griffin or something.
Dirg: MONTAGE!!! '80s MONTAGE!!! dance to all the music and steps and costumes of the last century!!! and the Back To The Future electric guitar! and the Fatal Attraction elevator!!!
Dirg: anybody else? the fucking scene---well the implied sex anyway---it reminded me of the giant-glass-encased-cylinder-that-looks-like-a-cucumber sex scene from Barbarella...
Laertus: Dirg...come on...you forgot to mention...all this predicts the millennial incel sex-doll boom we're experiencing now...
Dirg: we've got incriminating photos...taken by Jimmy Olsen. and suddenly this becomes the Terminator conveyor belt. you can't go in there! okay but only if you don't punch the CEO. I'M NOT CRAZY!!! IT'S ON THE TAPE!!! IT'S ON THE TAPE!!!
Laertus: the sex lies and videotape!!!
Eye: Estelle Getty wouldn't have looked at the sex tape...…...but Sophia Petrillo would have...
Eye: Jonathan Switcher was an artist. he was too good for this world. his work on green hedges wasn't appreciated, he went on later to become Edward Scissorhands. biscuit brain. i don't get that insult. biscuits are good! they're fluffy!
Dirg: and flaky! Career Opportunities borrows heavily from this, the setting especially, but Career Opportunities is a better movie. g'night folks...
Laertus: just think, only lucky-7 years later do we get a real boardroom scene in Hudsucker Proxy...
Stevie Nicks: if it wasn't for this movie, the Starship megahit song "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" never would have happened, what a loss that would have been for the world. you always have to think about it that way. g'night, folks.
Pat lays down the lifeless still body of the mannequin Galivant onto the power-blue night court. the night tennis court. he removes the center net and spools it in a roll like a hose, carefully placing each stopsign-shaped hole in the net on its axis.
Pat begins to cry, but he hears a disembodied female voice...
Galivant: it's me, Pat. i'll never leave you no matter what. even if i can't move...
Pat: am i going crazy wth grief?
Galivant: no it's really me. this was a lesson sent down from Ancient Egypt or some foreign place to teach you a lesson, to learn to appreciate me more. you don't know what it's like till it's gone...
Pat: that's it!
Galivant: you feel it now, right? what it's like to lose everything. you can never take your tennis, life, career maps, and loves for granted.
Pat: how do i get you back?
Galivant: make love to me.
Pat licks Galivant's bare mannequin vagina...
Galivant: no not like that, that's creepy. make love spiritually. in the mind. not my beaver, another kind of beaver must spread. the beaver of imagination.
Pat: i've got it. but i'm still sad.
for the first time Pat can see the phoenii in the distance, on a hill in the night sky. it's so quiet on that hill despite the club casino boat below. Pat can hear the animals breathing, they curtly cut the night air ever so gently not making a peep. he can sense the shadows of their long giraffe necks swooping in every hour to collect the dark grass below. their giant wings congregate and tuck inside the box of their sides. their massive beaks cut a crescent into the blue moon.
Pat: that's why people and the townsfolk and local island villagers all claim they never see the phoenii. they're there, they're just not moving. their silhouettes swaying in the black. water makes them light up. but what makes them sing?...
