Pat: i'm nervous.
Julie Brown: you're always nervous.
Pat: it's Homecoming. just the name of it. the concept of it. it's too gargantuan for my skinny body. it's always an underwater theme and i can't swim.
Julie gives Pat an Indian burn on each of his two knees, right on the bone. it hurts so bad Pat has to go to the bathroom twice.
in the dark brown stucco bathroom Pat sees rolls and rolls of brown paper and one flower faucet in the middle of the trough sink where all the boys pee like cows. Pat reaches to turn on a petal but the faucet reads:
FAUCI FAUCET. DO NOT ADJUST EVER AGAIN.
Julie: see? you can't feel your legs anymore, right? just like my strong merman. Aquaman will always be a dud.
Pat: i need to take a seat here on this pizza saver. i'm sitting down and it's comfortable despite the three prongs up my ass.
Julie: the inventor of the pizza saver was a genius woman, you know she also accidentally created the dollhouse...
Michael Weiss in the hallways: do you have a stucco wall as one of your bedroom walls?
Julie: sure. all girls do. boys i don't know. the ones with all the little beads and baubles. girls make sure to cover that ENTIRE wall with polaroid pictures. you can't see the white of the wall after a girl finishes with it. it's their first foray into interior decorating.
Michael: yep. this is our Instagram before Instagram.
Julie: what do you cover yours with?
Michael: well i can't speak for the rest of the clique but my walls are caked with my cum. i'll never need white paint again.
Julie gets up on stage and introduces her very special guest. the anticipation is so vibrant in the arena---which is a basketball court---even the nerds' heads explode into Kool-Aid powder.
Gladyce: that Snow Day Kool Aid. it's red like Cherry but is it the same flavor as cherry?
Doryce: stains our dishwasher ever the same.
the sophomores squeal first but soon the entire student body orgasms.
Julie: here she is, folks! Vitamin C!
Vitamin C is sporting a new look. she's the first girl ever to wear a trucker hat and glow-in-the-dark tire pants. Vitamin C drones on about raves and other things nobody has ever heard of before, transfixing the gazes of the audience with each of her words like the tip of an icing gun.
Vitamin C: eat your vegetables, kids, they contain minerals. so yeah, i'm gonna film the video for my hit song "Graduation".
Dirg: think about that song. back then all students had to worry about was who they were gonna ask to the prom. no seriously. that was it. that was all that concerned them. this was BEFORE 9/11!!!
Vitamin C: we're gonna film it right here at your beloved public high school! *principal elbumps* how cool is that?! my song? don't worry, it WILL be a hit! it will blow up so fast you'll hate it and hate my guts till Fiona Apple comes out. you'll be hearing this song at EVERY graduation: high school, college, dogcatcher school. the only thing which will stop my record weeks at #1 will be the Garbage Pail Kids. it will be played at your wedding, too. for some strange reason. all around the world. even by your Iranian cousin, even tho you're Scottish...
Julie: so Vi is gonna be filming during our dance tonight. but don't mind her, continue on twerking like you don't see her. don't pay attention to her crew, and don't look directly into Vitamin C's eyes: she has creepy orange irises.
Larry David at home: FINALLY! i get a respite. i catch a break! Bernie's out...i can take a nap on this couch chair full of small stucco balls...
Vitamin C: so Intern Fauci, who do you want to play you in the movie?
Larry David: fuck.
Bill Maher: sorry, i'm just really pissed the baseball season won't start on time.
President Bump: what more do you want from me! what more do you want me to do! i took all the vape away from the kids. wiped from the ends of the earth. their little stubby sooty pink-bubblegum fingers were weeping to their hot mothers.
Pence: and where did you store all the vape, sir?
Bump: in the National Stockpile. which means my Lincoln Bedroom. i've smoked six vapes a day everyday since this crisis began under my tie for lunch. that's why i look so slim. who's on the phone?
Pence: Gretchen Whitmer.
Bump: hang up. i can't stand women. in control. how can a woman named Gretchen be hot? Gretchen's a grandma name.
Yellow Ranger: women in power have done more for their countries. they're smarter leaders. look at New Zealand. she's the best, she's awesome, she's a little powderkeg of professionalism.
Bump: has that blank-stare smile. her teeth are too white, i don't trust her. *looking at a paper for the first time* NORTH KOREA HAS ZERO CASES!!!? no fucking way. i'm blowin' up Kim's beeper.
Bump: come on, dude. more propaganda?
Kim: no we do! it's possible! we're completely walled off! we're the fucking hermit kingdom, lardass. look into us sometime. you interrupted my jelly donut...
fat guy from Power Rangers: a jelly donut is not a donut. it's a pastry. i should know.
Doryce: what are you eating, dear?
Gladyce: why it's my saladless salad! it's simply an orange bowl of Arizona mesa with bacon bits in it, those tricolor tortilla strips, sunflower seeds, crouton bits, a smelp which is a hybrid of artichoke and radish. all topped with a drizzle of your finest House Russian dressing. cos Putin is locked in the prison of his own country. it's a way of eating salad without actually eating salad. you're just eating the salad toppings.
Doryce: brilliant. and now you're washing like we should all do.
Gladyce: yes but it's tricky. washing brushes. i wash the blue brush with the green brush, but now the green brush is dirty, so i wash it with the now-clean blue brush. and the blue brush is dirty, this cycle of domestic violence never ends. which was the original brush? which was the first brush? the blue or the green?
Cecily Strong is on Instagram Live with Megan Rapinoe:
Megan: how are you dealing with everything?
Cecily: i hear there's a flu bug going around. New Yorkers are already used to isolation, we all live in one apartment. one for each of us. yeah i mean i'd go to a professional but...all my psychiatrists want to fuck me...they all start scratching below their belt when they say they're writing on their little notepads. i find listening to prominent celebrities calms me, it beats listening to gruff doctors anyday, that's how i am guided in life. no priests.
Megan: i hear you. you want me to host sometime? i'll be free...well, there's gonna be a glut of sports on Thanksgiving...
Cecily: yeah, whatever. i missed my only chance to reconnect and be with my friends till October cos i missed my flight. can you believe it! there was too much traffic. in these times. i could have had an empty plane! Megan...you know if i could i would be with you...i was born the wrong way...i've talked with Gaga about this...damn it all but i'm still attracted to skinny men...
Megan: okay well. you know just keep kicking the ball into the goal. you'll be good enough soon. for a tryout or something...
Dirg: John Callahan would have made the best Tiger King. you know it's weird...why isn't this van moving to someplace exotic?
Takahashi: we're out of gas. and because of the trade war there won't be gas for a VERY long time...
Dirg: as i was saying. yeah like all the governors were too indecisive. i was getting ready to ON MY OWN start staying six feet away from people. and wear a mask to my bank. i heard all this stuff on tv but nothing was happening in our area! finally the states got around to listening to the CDC---which is the CIA---like two months later. i was like, what is the suggestion? i was already thinking i would try this out for a week to see if i liked it. it was weird crossing the street and for some strange reason the roads were full. now they're saying it could be two years. well THANK YOU for finally telling us! you need to be a man, California. a man like me, a take-charge man! how's work?
Takahashi: from home. it's actually harder to hack Wikipedia from home...
Dirg: fanless WWE looks like blackbox theatre. there's always an Entertainment Tonight person creepily monitoring John Mayer's livestream to see if Jennifer Aniston left a comment.
Governor Cuomo: Christopher? Christopher? you up? what was Sandra Lee doing at your basement there last night? i saw the whole thing on your livestream.
Chris Cuomo: what? oh she was just giving me her goods. baked goods. i mean that literally, jelly donuts and stuff. we're all family, right? she knew i was ill and wanted to cheer me up. again, literally.
Governor: i still want to fuck her later so watch yourself, boy.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: oh how. oh yeah, i love in Children of a Lesser God when the background music stops, no more swell, and the stagecraft is all set up: Marlee is on her proper mark on the set, Will is on his spot, and the thing is allowed to take a breath, a silent beat for Marlee to react to the next line or for her to say her next line as if it were a sound line.
Dirg: and we all know all of her lines were sound.
Tyzik: oh, and the Marsalis patriarch may he rest. so sad. if only that quarantine family house in Eve's Bayou was big enough for him to stay there, too.
Eye: Cocktail and go.
Dirg: based on a true story. if you want to make it as a bartender, it only counts if you bartend in New York City. the big city. the mecca. NYC invading my nightmares once more.
Laertus: yeah, where you have to flair the bottles or it doesn't count. can't just pour, gotta make a waterfall and dance of it.
Dirg: i was waiting for the famous Tom Cruise dance, sliding across the waxed floor of the living room. in a pink shirt and tighty-whities. but i guess that's the wrong movie, Risky Business or something, all those '80s Cruise movies start to crowd the brain.
Laertus: the book of this is a great read, a dark accounting, a parable about lost dreams and the greed of money in the '80s leading to early deaths. when is it too late to actually start to live life? the way you always wanted. the way in your dreams. but Disney got a hold of this. yes, Disney, for some reason. before Disney was the Disney Of Now. but even back then they knew what they were doing, they took a LARGE CHUNK of the dark stuff out of this and replaced it with more Tom Cruise shaking his hips and wiggling his midsection as he threw bottles over his head. tons of footage of Tom side-to-siding and moving and twerkin' dat ass.
Dirg: MORE TOM JUMPING ON THE COUCH!!!
Laertus: Tom later admitted anecdotally that this was not one of his better efforts. but i disagree, this had SO much potential. Bryan Brown's character is magnifique! Bryan is SO good in this. the wizened philosopher with the Aussie accent. we all know this person. we all want to BE this person! the man who lives by his own code after having tried, drained like socks, and scoffed at society and its rules and every other man's code. a man who is truly free cos he is not bound by a code. wisdom that can be gained only on streets, not school. sorry, Princeton. sorry, Nice Guys High.
Dirg: Bryan Brown on the set of The Thorn Birds took young ingenue Rachel Ward's hand, looked at her lines, and took her fortune. he said that she would have three children...
Eye: she later bore HIM the three children. THAT IS THE GREATEST PICK-UP LINE OF ALL TIME!!!
Laertus: see? he is SO smooth. in all his parts. that's why it is ever SO depressing when he kills himself. a man of such genius and wit and southern feeling should NEVER go out like that! leaves a bad taste in the air. a smoke wafting off a fire drink made wrong. he does it by cutting himself with his own bottle. he says in his suicide note he was full of shit the whole time, the whole life, it was all an act, a sham, a see-through sham. NO! your wisdom turned around Tom! helped him become the man he is today!
Dirg: Tom would have joined the Army instead of Scientology were it not for Bryan...
Laertus: that seemed to be a staple of '80s movies along with the FUCK. suicide. suicide was treated in such a ho-hum manner in the '80s. like, yeah, that's just what happens when people reach a crossroads. when they reach the end of their boat. when they can't cross any more waves. it's as ordinary as an eye infection. that's what life is worth. oh well.
Dirg: of course Bryan was jealous of Tom. he knew for all the time he served behind the bar gaining insight he would never BE Tom. never be Tom's effortless Casanova with the ladies. he had a midlife crisis that only Tom coming to work for him jolted him out of.
Laertus: interesting. Bryan thought he would live in his rut forever. pouring drinks for different colored panties. who smoked in his bar but never went behind it. then he had a crisis right in front of young Tom simply because Tom showed him, reminded him that he COULD live life to the fullest again.
Eye: awww, for all his sagacity he was shy, i like that. Tom had the benefit of unthinking youthful exuberance. it is so surreal. so we all watched the music video of Ollie Wride's song "Don't Wanna Change Your Mind" before we saw this film. all those scenes from the film underlaid with Ollie's great music. and then i see that one scene with the girl in the Lennon sunglasses who admonishes Tom for Tom doing Elisabeth Shue dirty like that. no words spoken, cos the music. and i swear to goddess, this girl looks like STEFFI GRAF! and she mouths her line so elegantly, so grandly, like she's making a poobah pronouncement of the highest order. with such authority. i imagine her saying it in Steffi's authoritative grand voice. but when we come to that scene in the film, it's Elisabeth's drunkass comatose friend in her squeaky voice and it just ruins it, all of it, throws my whole sense of balance and equilibrium off.
Dirg: for the longest i didn't put two and two together, i had no idea that girl was the same girl who passed out on the beach. or the same girl who bumps into Elisabeth Shue when Lis goes to Tom's Jamaica bar after the same girl recovers.
Laertus: champagne: perfume going in...
Dirg: ...Calvin Klein going out.
Eye: none of the '80s songs in the actual film---tho good---can compare to Ollie's song! hey Pat. what are we eating?
Pat: i thought Pop Tarts. there's something about sinking your teeth into a Pop Tart, transports you back to the '80s. to the gooey warm center of a makeshift breakfast cos both your parents worked. flaky crust, NOW in pretzel!
Dirg: my man Tom is the first person who will EVER win the Oscar and the Raspberry in the same year! President Bump mention!!! he was the example back then on how to be rich!
Eye: ugh. you want to be the Mickey Bump of cookies? yeah no thanks, that lady should have kicked that ratty professor in the balls and said she would be getting her cookies from Sandra Lee.
Laertus: i love all teachers but he was greasy. yeah, that was the driving force back then in ALL '80s movies, that's all anyone cared about: how to become rich, fast. Wall Street. make money, make millions, be happy.
Dirg: the guy who made those tiny tiki umbrellas in drinks: millionaire. the guy who made the eyelets of shoe laces: millionaire...
Eye: loved Elisabeth's nonsense word. better than dinglehopper. Elisabeth Shue should have portayed the lady who made the pizza saver! miss millionaire!
Laertus: i just want to experience one date, ONE, where i'm riding horses with my girl along the coast of a beach as we look out onto the ocean waves. sunset together. with the horses singing "Kokomo". isn't Blind Date coming back? *Eye twitches her eye*
Dirg: it's so wild seeing Gina Gershon before she was '90s Gina Gershon! haha, she was saving herself for young Flanagan this whole time. you tell 'im, Bryan! notice how they don't have sex, it's just the two of them flapping their arms and legs together underneath large white sheets for a full ten-minute montage.
Laertus: i love how he calls him Young Flanagan. that accent is Gold Coast gold.
Eye: Tom's Uncle Pat was right: life. it just happens to you. before you can look down, you have a wife and two kids and you're like how did they get here?. *Laertus twitches his eye*
Dirg: the scene where Elisabeth strips down completely nude in the waterfall showing huge sidetit was the same waterfall from the Jungle Cruise ride, Disney had a fit. Icehouse Club? isn't that an Australian band?
Laertus: i'm sure modeled after a real New York ice club. like the one Penguin owns. Australia gets all the breaks: that band and sensible gun laws. sigh, let me return to the days where at a trendy nightclub the people clamor for poetry. yes, POETRY!!! you know what all those bizarre names for cocktail drinks are really, right? the name of your porn dog: the street your dog lives on and...
Dirg: ...his bitch. the yuppie poet was right, you need money to overthrow the government, that's why parties don't matter, only money does. that yuppie poet was an actor, right?
Laertus: it would have been more interesting if Bryan interfered with Tom's relationship with Elisabeth in Jamaica. instead of that harebrained cockamamie scheme story where he just gets a random rich heiress to fall in love with him cos he's so charming and marriages him up into wealth. finally the lifelong bachelor succumbs. THEN you would have seen continued conflict and a flaw emerging, the Gina thing wasn't a one-off.
Eye: yeah, let's have Elisabeth and Bryan fuck. for the drama of it! and just cos it's hot.
Dirg: for the majority of the film i had no idea Elisabeth was named Jordan, only named her late. okay, when Tom gets in with the rich older woman, that was a cool pick-up line, when he throws the match to her face like that to light her. cigarette. i mean i'm sorry but THERE IS NOTHING BETTER than seeing Tom Cruise as a kept boy. nothing. it's so perfect cos he's short so he fits the bill perfectly. those scenes were HIGH-LARIOUS. when he punches the Antonio Banderas sculptor into his own sculpture at the night art show next to Broadway cos Tom is experiencing small kept-boy rage.
Laertus: I WANNA BE A KEPT BOY!!! i just want to experience that once. see how it feels. i love strong women. i want to be dominated by strong women. *Eye twitches her eye*
Eye: the dialogue starts to creak here as the film moves along. oh, she's a painter! yeah this '80s mentality again of it's just assumed that no man would ever want to be a dad and would always shirk his responsibility if an unplanned pregnancy happened. so girls, just don't tell him or get an abortion under cover of night. and don't tell your father. it's a little too convenient and on-the-nose that Elisabeth ends up being the wealthy girl all along. should have been poor after all, then it would have really been love.
Dirg: oh man, the diner scene is ridiculous. pouring the oatmeal---not the cocktail---over his head and suddenly this is Seinfeld. are you spooked yet? and the meeting with the father is like a bad episode of Family Ties. whoa, Ricky Schroder just left the diner! to be a cop! that elevator fight scene is hilarious! don't mess with Tom, he'll Mission Impossible your ass! that poor bellboy. dude, the bellboy is a bald man who has to wear a monkey hat for a living, he did not sign up to get stuffed in an elevator and get cake down his penis.
John Hughes: this whole time i thought this film took place in Chicago...
Laertus: i mean come on. Tom is kissing his best friend's wife. for a second i think she cuts off a lock of his hair with her penknife or something, that was a strange sound. Tom after three or four kisses with this woman THEN realizes that yeah, probably not a good idea to fuck his best friend's wife, things could get messy, that could lead to problems. the only friend who ever believed in him. the only person who looked out for him in the cold scary world. golddiggers or revenge depending on a better script.
Eye: he was just scared. back then, the only worry was crabs. crabs on the beach. the ending. turns out she's having twins, that's why she's been fat for so long. if it's a boy, Tom smiles that Tom Cruise Smile. if it's a girl, forget it. g'night, folks. oh, and i made amends, i turned my Pernod Fils into...a Cape Codder!!!
Madame Pons on the phone: it floats! we can't take any chances right now. both crones Doryce and Gladyce are staying with me at The Treehouse so i can keep an eye on them.
Taki: thank you for helping out with the loan, being a signatory, now it's extended for ten more years, you'll pay it off by then, that black-and-white photocopy of your Social Security card was crucial. i don't have to worry about The Treehouse going into foreclosure. being bought by the bank or the cops or the feds. you don't have to worry about me no more...
Madame Pons hears the click of a gun on the other line.
Taki: don't worry, it's my x-ray gun...
that night, as the revelers and ravers get ready for their nightcap---the dance---Pat is suddenly lifted and stuffed into a locker by a bully and his crew. the bully wears an earring in his brain.
bully: no crossdressers at my school! there's no such thing as a spectrum. i can feel your fear, your ankles are in your mouth. lipstick is for bacon.
Pat struggles and fidgets with the lock chain and key but it's on the other side. he's stuck in there for eternity, he sees no light, no stars, he brays like a banshee, he wails and cries his heart out for eight straight hours, the duration of the dance, he misses everything! he starts to suck his toes for nourishment, his polished black dress shoes starting to stink, his whole body covered in sweat and tears, he drowns from himself.
bully: this will be the greatest lesson you learn here. you better learn a sport in a hurry or you won't survive this place. you won't last.
Pat: do tennis and golf count?
the bully laughs. which in turn makes the crew laugh. and they off. it's the morning after and Pat's tongue feels like a stucco wall.
there are no air slots in this locker, just pure darkness. Pat's mind wanders all throughout the dance, he can hear everything but can't see anything. he imagines Julie in her shimmering silver dress with a worried look on her face. he can't breathe but never passed out like he wanted to. he remembers that one moment when the music stopped. and the stage stopped and the punch bowl stopped. and the vibrations of the dancers and the vibrations of the lights stopped and there was just that one beat of silence...before...something extraordinary happened. the whole school goes nuts! it blew the roof off! but what was it!?
Pat: *trailing*...wait! what happened at the dance! did Vitamin C get naked!!?
bully: *trailing*...nah. she just debuted her carrot-colored hair for the first time...