Wednesday, February 19, 2020


Tyzik: the TV GUIDE Horoscope is back, baby!!!

Cory Booker: so, um, this wasn't because, you didn't make this realization about yourself by being with me, right? what exactly was the trigger event?

Rosario Dawson: oh baby don't worry it's not about you at all! it's just one of those things, you know? naturally organic. organically natural. like college chemistry. like sometimes your tooth chips and you have no idea how that happened as you scan the X-ray cos you've never eaten rock candy in your life...

Megalyn Echikunwoke: i am here on stage at Princeton to say...i am WOKE! *crowd cheers* and i LOVE ecchi! *not even Takahashi cheers*…...and i really need for The 4400 to come back!...i need those aliens to return down to earth and start probing big time!!!...i mean i'm in the minority but i don't think Chris Rock is funny...

Eye Luggage: it's hard for men to be funny, it's forced with them. women do it more naturally cos being a woman and all we have to put up with just to get through the day is ripe for comedy.

Dirg checks out a class. one taught by Barbara Remington, who is as colorful as her scarves. she is in her salad-with-French-dressing days as she was in her spry youth. she wears the garb of the hippie but Dirg has matured……...just a smidge...and can try to overlook that:

Dirg: thank you, ma'am. this is the first time i've addressed a woman as ma'am. you are the only woman i've ever respected on this Tolkien green earth. let me shake your hand, wow, bony, pretend i didn't just say that. you've made me see Tolkien in a different light. i emulate your oil paintings in my new comic i'm doing to try to compete with the new reboot of Locke & Key. you inspire me not to pill it, not to take drugs. i stayed at Hartwood Acres not cos i'm mentally-ill---tho that helped---but purely for research. my idea has it being starred by Key & Peele but Peele has gotten some big tight bloomers on lately and left his friend flapping in the dust by the side of the road. you've made me want to be a better man. you've made me want to shave. you've made me see things. i now know what it's like to take drugs without having to take the actual drugs. far out, man! i mean woman. please, don't speak, don't ruin this moment for me.

Joe Pera: i just got the best text in the whole world! not from a student, from a teacher! Albert Einstein texted me. the thing is tho, it's just Albert saying hi. and then i text him back hi. and then Albert texts back hi. nothing more than hi, no theories on black holes or Albert's take on blacks in science. so, is just the "hi" worth it? after some thought nursing a cup of thin coffee, my conclusion is yes. now if you'll excuse me, my pub in NYC is hosting the President...

Rubikon on the stump speeching:

Rubikon: with all the rapper deaths lately, we have to come together. i see you over there in the corner! but that's just the point, you're out there on the corner with your street-rapper cred i get it, but don't bash a brother for wanting to improve hisself. just like you don't make fun of the fat kid at the gym---he's trying to improve himself---instead give him a hug if you can. even if he's trying to interfere with the election. cos he's doing it for us. i've come to know a few of the top gifted music students here at Princeton and color me impressed. their theory trumps my theory of the case. no more black-on-black crime, that just does the Q's bidding. if we truly come together past the interest groups and nice Scrooge McDuck billionaires and consolidate, we can win. now what's the update, lieutenant?

Scrooge McDuck: wow. this is the first work i've ever done as an old man. my feathers are wet. interest is not interesting to me cos i'm always paying taxes. so i don't know computers but apparently The Comedy Cellar has been hit next. horrible scene down there in Manhattan, i still know it as Woody Allen's Manhattan. the Iranians clearly thought of this comedy club as their most crucial target cos of all the heretic Iranian-American comics who perform there, comedy is devastating to the Empire.

at The Orchid:

Jodie Whittaker: *with poignancy in her palate* Martha Scott looks like Lucille Ball. i wish Lucy were the mother of Doctor Who...

Eye Luggage: so yeah, my boyfriend's sleeping on the box spring. we used his old box spring as a box for soil to grow vegetables to feed the hungry in Somalia and other arid areas affected by climate change. the cat familiars were none too happy they couldn't use the box spring for their litter box.

the Girls in the room in a circle laugh out loud, they don't need to snicker under their breaths to cover their mouths no more.

Madame Pons: so yeah my boyfriend, we met over at the Sauna Central last night. i'm giving him some tips. i'm helping him with his oral.

the Girls all whistle and smile.

Madame Pons: no it's not like that! his oral exam. no not like that! just trying to boost his esteem-confidence with my aura and some lavender oils before he has to present on stage at the end of the semester.

Gladyce: *on the phone with Doryce* so...chocolate eggs? no, dear, they're just light-brown beige like they've been dusted with chocolate powder. but they're eggs. they're not the anal eggs you get at LUSH. now i have to go, a bitch is on my tail. why hello, dear!

Hazel: SMU.

Gladyce: that other college who shall not be named?

Hazel Mead: *exasperated* no, shaking my uterus.…...well!? you've stood in that exact spot without moving for 5 whole days now. come up with anything?

Gladyce: well there was that time Doryce invited me and took me by the hand as we saw her favorite college band together, little did we know what that night would turn out to be. turns out it was Yonic Youth not Sonic Youth, many were turned to our way of thinking that night. and then of course there's Bethel Church where the two of us first saw Rocky Horror Picture Show. now see I knew you had to participate in the thing not just watch it, but Doryce was young at the time and you know kids and their screens. the cops were called when Doryce turned the dental drill on the audience, she was still green, didn't know about appearances, how things were not a good look. my poor Doryce just wasn't used to interacting with the outside world. she's come a long way, baby!

Gladyce: btw, why does every journalist around here HAVE to have a cartoon of their face as their twitter profile image?

Hazel: we've banned Dirg from doing all of ours.


on the grassy knoll of Princeton, Meital Dohan has dewdrops falling from her eyes. her hair turns yellow---yellow not blonde---and upwards as she fists and yells:

Meital Dohan: I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then Meital achieves Saiyan not by orgasming but by her first loud exclamation of:

Meital: HOOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on the tv at the The Orchid offices:

President Bump: that new Prime Minister of Finland is a tasty snack. Blago never brags that's why i like him, his hair turned white in prison cos did you know prisoners make all those Magic Hair spraycans from leftover gangmembers' tagging graffiti cans and toilet water? the Acela Corridor is a long commutation.

Bloomberg, for what it's worth, gets up on stage in front of the drone cameras in Nevada and is the first presidential candidate to take out and wear the blue Socialist armband. immediately all the casinos in Las Vegas are shut down...

Hazel: ladies i think we can all agree amid all the commotion that this week's episode was strange. our mothers were always taught to honor Shelley's poetry. but which Shelley? Percy was just another fuckboi of the Romantic Age who made suicide pretty and desirable. Mary invented horror and sci-fi. why wasn't Mary made the focus? we will change this lurid trend TODAY, sisters!

Gladyce: Percy was no one's bysshe. at least that's what he told me as he was fucking my behind wearing a Don Juan mustache. i knew him, he kept going on about Gandhi and MLK. and then, strangely, as he was waiting for me to cum buckets, it was HE who squirted an entire lake! nothing came from my vagina.

Hazel: okay he inspired Cobain, that's the only one that's provable.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Dorothy Gayle apparently. will Snoop ever forgive Gayle?

Gayle King: i had a long talk with Snoop last night, he's the nicest man. it was weird cos i've never seen him angry before. and truth be told i thought he was half-dog. i will have anxiety for life now cos of him but that's all water under the L.A. River. never had anxiety before. Snoop told me he calmed down after smoking a bowl off Martha Stewart's ass. since they both wear monitoring bracelets that's code for licking guacamole off Martha Stewart's ass. whilst various insertions with the new Tostitos Strips.

Tyzik: the commercials tho.

Laertus: i mean you got the new Sonic commercial. the beef one, not the blue beef one. why the hell did they replace the Sonic guys!? they'll NEVER do better than the Sonic guys. and then McDonald's with the clear ripoff of the Arby's deep voice in their new ad. get more creative, people!

Dirg: that H&R Block black woman with the frizzy fro hair, yeah, we know, we noticed. H&R Black. her butt CLEARLY gets three sizes bigger in the next year of her doing this campaign of commercials.

Eye: Out Of Africa and go.


cat familiars: before we start we MUST first talk about that dog! i mean, right? that's the most beautiful dog ever to grace film. and this is coming from their mortal enemies! deerhounds, who knew? all deers are Satanic of which we say, see? if Satan is the source of all of our magic power, so be it! that dog is beautiful! graceful and gallant and elegant and with those fine legs and fur of grey and grey poupon! a real baroness bitch! we ship it! his name is Dusk from Scotland and should have won Westminster. like a fluffy Great Dane which is ironic cos Meryl Streep is Danish in this.

Prince Harry: i learned to play golf by watching Kendrick Lamar.

Meghan Markle: this is gonna be mad informative. man i wish i knew how that felt. i wish i were a Royal back then, they were so free!!!

Dirg: Meryl Streep has arrived to join our podcast. i'm keeping her in the soundproof booth as she enjoys munching on a danish i provided for her. can't be too careful nowadays with the strep-virus going around.

Eye: Suzanna Hamilton is in this, shame we didn't get more of her story. i was thinking we'd get a nice chunky bit of these three hours with the sensei/student relationship of Meryl Streep and Suzanna. but no, one minute she's thinking of becoming a feminist open outspoken rebel lover in charge of her own destiny like Karen Blixen with the real Pioneer Woman blitz, the next she's married like every other girl. no, girl, the purpose of a woman's life is NOT simply to be ravished. was Little Women out yet in paperback at this time? at the very least Suzanna can say that the conditions here in Africa were way more tolerable than any she experienced in the 1984 world.

Laertus: let's be honest, a film like this WILL NEVER BE MADE AGAIN. that's why it's so special. can you imagine a modern independent studio opting to do an epic sweeping grasslands romance like this? with a smoky train? in this day and age in modern times there isn't the will, the capital, or the patience. kids would literally walk out of the theatre after five minutes to go play video games on their screens in the lobby stairs. kids today think Ivory Merchant is soap.

Dirg: you think Meryl held her accent the entire film? you know they dubbed it in spots. for all of the finery and beige safari gear and lush landscapes, this is a very long episode of Day Of Our Lives. speaking of soap.

Eye: hey! Pat sent us a box again! an imbibable for us to enjoy as we discuss fine films! and this week's entry is: COFFEE of course! Newman's Own coffee of course!

Dirg: Robert Redford could have been an A&F model. but he didn't know how to fish.

Laertus: this is my kind of Bible! thanks Pat wherever you are! hey Dirg, sorry but your argument loses, our side wins. it's not flat.

Dirg: like Warren's college tits. but she had a good time anyway.

Laertus: you flatearthers lose. Africa makes the biggest argument. i mean how can you deny that poetry? it's one thing to make a scientific argument, but "the world is round so we don't see too far ahead" wins cos it's perfect poetry, POETRY! you can't argue with poetry, it's literature, it's art!!!

Dirg: that's the first time round is used where it's not meant to be around. syphilis tho.

Lana from Archer: syphilis, you rang?

Dirg: what's up with Regis Philbin. nobody has that perfect of a retirement. you gotta come out of your hole sometime. hey, don't bother the black man, he doesn't want to learn to read from the white man, don't do him any favors just cos Meryl Streep is clearly hot, it's his prerogative. he wants to be a street rapper to earn his keep. Meryl Streep didn't have the heart to tell that black-boy aspiring-cook that his jambalaya tasted terrible. cookboy got burned.

Eye: that Christmas tree during the New Years scene tho, that was the hot ticket, that was the vogue back then, to have a real Christmas tree lit with real lit candles. like, did anybody sense a fire hazard back then at the turn of the century? fire in a theater? in a theatre? and then of course poor Meryl's entire coffeehouse burns down.

Laertus: heck the candles-in-tree thing was still vogue in the '80s when this thing was filmed! again it's weird, it's dissonance, but you have to think of this film both ways: it's about 1913 people...but these same people are '80s people who love George Michael.

Dirg: first thing i thought of watching that fire burn was my Keurig machine...

Eye: it must have been wildly revolutionary to plant coffee fields instead of tea, after all this was the very HEIGHT of the British Empire.

Dirg: yeah looking back on it MAN but did the British fall! i mean seriously, what the fuck happened to Britain. you guys were an empire, a fucking empire, a sprawling epic romantic EMPIRE! you were the next-best thing to the Roman Empire in modern times. and then it...all...just...collapsed...

Laertus: ...under its own weight. from Shelley to Gandhi. Frankenstein to France always picking at the giant's knees. reminds me of a certain other wannabe Rome...

Eye: you know what happened to Britain? a certain country, starts with M as the locals pronounce it...

Laertus: and now for the most memorable scene: that plane ride. that really really drawn-out plane ride, good thing they had gas...

Dirg: my favorite kind of Nazi plane.

Laertus: ...across gorgeous unspoilt African landscape and countryside! back when God existed and had eyes! green and clean. waterfalls that is. that's when the director told his cameraman, "hey cameraman, buddy, ready to win the Oscar?" when Meryl as Karen lifts her arm to the back of her head to touch Redford's hand as they're flying, most romantic scene in film history? i say yes.

Eye: so do i! and now i got some great roleplay for us in the bedroom! doing a plane thing is gonna be tough but i'm up for the challenge!

Dirg: yuck. why wasn't Redford in Ford v Ferrari? can we turn the subject away from love. i had a rough Valentine's. i know!: death. you're good with these kinds of dark topics, right, Eye?

Eye: well we must talk about the funeral scene and Meryl's eulogy. he was not ours, he was not mine, but we loved him truly while he was here. perfect. perfect acting. and that poem, to an athlete who died young. more powerful poetry. stirring stuff.

Kobe Bryant: that poem was also recited at the eulogy to my funeral. there's give and take when it comes to loss. on the one hand there's untapped potential. on the other i will never grow old, always be a legend in the stars.

Dirg: no court can ever take that away from you.

Eye: i got choked up when we see that expansive blue sky and the clouds, it's as if God himself picked Redford up from his soil.

Dirg: soiled himself. the other dude tho, the guy who got shafted cos he wasn't Robert Redford. a nice enough fellow, provided for her, kept a roof over her head, just happened to not be as handsome as Robert Redford. his accent was always at the tip of my tongue. but i liked it, it was very Nazi.

Eye: Klaus Maria Brandauer. dude also gave her syphilis. and it's not cool to hunt duck for sport. this isn't a video game. go back to worshiping Mary as your brand.

Dirg: yeah cos ducks mate for life...

Dirg: i mean let's be honest, in real life these three were in a triangle. a real one not a Saved By The Bell one. they were the first documented throuple. they had multiple threesomes together with no consequences whatsoever. back then, a pregnancy was the same thing as a miscarriage.

Eye: ...a miscarriage of justice...

Dirg: not enough sex in this film. i mean shown sex. why did it have to be PG? it could have been R to juice up the hours and keep things realistic out there in the wild with nothing to do.

Eye: you still got Meryl's nice big smooth tits in a quick flash. i paused at the spot for my own purposes later. this is a romance, not a porn. fields not flesh. wheat not wet.

Dirg: i'm still puzzled as to how this movie won Best Picture and all those Oscars. i'm not sure it's as good as it thinks it is.

Laertus: i had the opposite reaction. going into it cold i was bracing for something saccharine and maudlin, but there's just something about Meryl Streep. that's why she's the queen, she has this secret power of drawing you into her aura for a few hours, you can't help but fall in love with all her foibles and fights. she wins you over despite yourself.

Dirg: she created the Left in America...

Eye: all those poor animals. i mean the lioness just trying to protect her young! did all these animals need to be shot in so vicious a way!

Dirg: all those loose wild lions and tigers and birds oh my would have viciously ripped the villagers to shreds! they would have EATEN the entire village! they had to be stopped!

Eye: this all arises out of the cruel meat chain we live and eat and die in not dine in. may we one day be woke folk to our eternal salvation! Impossible Whoppers will be the only thing on the GrubHub menu soon!

Dirg: it sure was lucky Meryl had real bullets in that rifle instead of fake movie-set bullets...

Dirg: you tell em, man! you expect a woman to tame a man!? a man must never be chained down, tied down. a man must be so free he wills himself to crash in a small plane young, fiery death, leaving all the women behind to fend for themselves, giving away all his future potential. the Graham Chapman Death. g'night, folks.

Michael Weiss on stage: Instagram is the only way poor people can experience how rich people live. till we get universal health care that is. they say it's bad form to look at a person's Instagram Stories if you're not following them, but i say why not. isn't that the way to make friends? by entering strangers' houses unannounced? i love when weird people look at my private stuff.

Pat and Julia Ioffe are at Van Nuys High. but Julia has disappeared...

Pat: where'd you go!? you gotta stay by me, i gotta do something important! more spy stuff?

Julia: no. went to the toilet. there's nothing like that feeling of absolute relief after a big poo. letting it slide out of my sphincter slowly. never pinch, let it all come out in loaves naturally. i laid with my butt a brown egg the size of a beachball. what do you want to do here? oh wait i gotta do something first...

she slides a Mexican elbow under the door of a Professor Lawrence O'Donnell's classroom.

Julia: another gammon don't worry about it. where to?

Pat: we gotta walk to the miniature-golf course.

Julia: too far. don't worry, i got transportation. i don't want you ruining your green jester shoes with the jingle bell.

Pat arrives on the golf course and sees nothing has changed at all. there's still the senior class of burnouts, cool kids, jocks, and prepping princesses all with their baggy shorts and beige bras and keys and tongues hanging out as they putt-putt around the course hitting the ball with their regulation golf clubs like this were a non-mini golf course. hitting the ball 100 yards into the 18th from the 1st.

Pat: man, this course is smaller than i thought it would be. it always loomed so large in my head.

Pat doesn't say a word. he simply walks over the course, cutting a straight line over all the rolling hills and snakey ways and sloppily-constructed windmills of greens and regulations and fair fairways and park benches and elf kingdoms along the way. Pat holds the hand of Julia who is quite chuffed at all this, redfaced and not taking it too seriously.

Julia: whatever this whole thing is, it's magical.

everyone there who watches this couple cut their own path---boys and girls alike---are so stunned and glassy-eyed they forget to finish the golf course or each other, they forget to make out on top of the windmill wheel---for extra orgasm---as they realize they are all late for the prom!

Pat: come on. nightcap.

Julia: got the keys? whatevs, i'll break us in.

Pat and Julia spend the entire night into morning slowdancing in the halls of the high school alone. on the dirty mopped waxy floors where they see their reflections but only wavily. they dance cheek-to-cheek without music---as if in the pre-silent disco era---eyes closed, smiles on their faces. and yes, Pat is shorter than Julia so sometimes it's mouth-to-boob. in the dark, only feeling each other.

Pat and Julia are dancing together holding hands with no space inbetween them inside Pat's locker from his highschool days. the locker is shut and locked...


Bathwater said...

I used to have a blog friend that looked like Rosario Dawson but I think she was actually straight. Back in the late 90's early 2000's Detroit elected a corrupt mayor. He is in jail now. I a lot of big cities did. I feel like the country is doing the same thing. People don't care. They just want to be corrupt too.

the late phoenix said...

bath: Cory Booker would have been awesome, Marianne Williamson would have been awesome, unfortunately nothing matters, it all just comes down to the bottom line, literally: money. i've been holding my breath now for four years...