FOX SHOULD HAVE NEVER CANCELED LUCIFER

notes:

* The Devil takes notes...

* which is ironic cos Fox, The Devil, you know...

* Lucifer: Babe Ruth's records are all tainted, too, i made sure of that. nobody's clean, i can only thrive in equal-opportunity chaos. and i hate prayer. back then in Babe's time they used iphones to cheat. obviously they had to keep the tech secret all these years or the Commissioner would find out. let me put it to you this way, the Commissioner back then wore a wifebeater shirt in his office. as you can see, a tiny Kuato third hand grows out of my bellybutton, i am the only man who ever lived who can suck his own dick, it's cool to be The Devil!

* Lucifer: Chobani, you can't trust it, it's from Asia.
me: what is this, an '80s anime?
Lucifer: Chobani, you can't trust it, it's from Iran.
me: what is this, the '80s?
Lucifer: it's yogurt tho, it's full of sugar, it will rot your teeth. look at all the nuts in there! i'm not talking about that Phoenix statue over there. when you bite down on those nuts with your compromised teeth they will shatter into sugar!
me: but your smile is so perfect and pearly-white and shiny.
Lucifer: i was the doctor on that other Fox show about plastic surgery...

* student eating Doritos in plain red or blue bag with no label or logo: why is the light so bright in the university library?
Lucifer: this is Hollywood, kid! this is Showbiz U!!!

* Lucifer: i have Elvis sideburns and a purple Riddler suit so you won't recognize me, so you'll think i'm your uncle you haven't seen in a while who was on Jackass that one time. HEY! that oil painting has nudity!!!
student with headphones on: what?
Lucifer: what are you listening to? Beats By Dre? a silent disco?
student: no they're noise-canceling headphones so i can study in here.
Lucifer: no more canceling!!! do you want me to sic Joker on you again?

* Golem descends from the spotlight staircase.
Golem: so i'm the new CEO of Chobani. i have no business experience whatsoever. have you seen my creepy cover? i really am just some ginger kid from Cornwall who should have been locked up and institutionalized a long time ago but managed to escape and blag it over to dissonant electronica...
Golem drives a tank through the library...

* Lucifer: PIZZA DELIVERY! thrown like a frisbee! have you ever seen a book before, young millennial? it's filled with sugary candy!!!
student: oh yeah my dad told me about this. life is like a box of chocolates, right?

* Lucifer: you brush away my donuts? how rude! who do you think you are, Taylor Swift!?
student: i'm not into you. the last perosn who did that to me was Homer Simpson and you see what happened to him. i see your cane in my face and i know you're signaling me but you won't throw me off my game, i figured out how to suck my own dick, too, i wrote down the formula on this notebook page here before you so rudely placed donuts on top of my formula.

*Lucifer: second commercial, who the hell is the hot babe!!? why don't i know her so i can influence her!!? why is she not on my list? that's cruel, God!!!

* Lucifer: see? continuation. i'm using the donuts from the last first commercial. and there's shelves and shelves of baby powder in this office for some reason.

* Lucifer: watch out! the vending machine will crush you!!!
woman: no thanks, chips are murder on my thighs.
Lucifer: you have a phat ass don't you want a fat ass? man i need to work on my game, it's been a couple thousand years since i invented the dating app. um, can i borrow your beige skirt? i'll unzip it myself don't trouble your pretty little head. it's just that God is a woman and i've always wanted to be God...

* Lucifer: i knew we were soul mates of color! now i recognize you, The Pink Ranger, the Asian one! what the hell have you been doing? don't say porn i don't want God to rub it in.

Lucifer: can i come up and see you sometime?
God: but you can't cum.
Lucifer: *fist* curse you, woman! to the moon, Alice! please? you see i'm wearing the number 7 you gave me for my birthday, it's squiggly but it's still a seven!

* woman: so are we gonna fuck or what. that's how these commercials end, right?
Lucifer: uh, what? let me flame out the wax from my ears.
woman: you're Justin Guarini, right? the Lil Sweet Dr Pepper glam-rock muchkin?
Lucifer: no i'm obviously John Stamos...i've been working on this university court case for a friend for ages now...

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happy weekend, my babies

you know, this Saturday will be a mystery for the first time in quite some time. i honestly don't know what the fast food will be. in keeping with my purple theme all this week i need to get a new mattress tomorrow before the hole in my old mattress turns into a black hole. so, Purple Mattress, cos i support Tim & Eric from the alt-right mob. and so i'm gonna have one of those Papa John's Papazinis things with purple onion, cos the old guy from Romania at the deli-counter one time said to me i'd never be a man unless i ate purple onion