Friday, February 21, 2020



* just picture it tho. take five minutes out of your day right now, sit back in your Barcalounger, hold your own beer, close your eyes, and imagine the following:

The Rock running for President...

* man: hey man, wanna join?
other man: me or you? me? nah man, i'm not a joiner...…...but i'm lonely...
man: don't you want to be in a system larger than yourself? doing a job that matters? don't you wanna belong? don't you want to be a part of something special?
other man: what kind of group is this?
man: Facebook group.
other man: oh. um. nah. i mean isn't this the same company that, like, destroyed civilization?

* OMG!!! I'm In The Band is coming back as the latest Disney revival!!!

* union boss: wait, what are we all doing in unison?
union: we're skipping stones!
Kendrick: no, we're practicing our golf swing...
Naruto: get the fuck outta my way, Kendrick, i'm training!

* what's the diference between craft cocktail and cocktail?
Pat Sajak: the chaser of tail...
Culinary Union: a tip.
Phoenix: 15 bucks...

* Moab climbers: this is all camera tricks, none of us know how to climb, this is a HUGE ball of clay in a studio and Playmobil just like the Moon landing.
Mark Zuckerberg: first one over the line gets to ink the first tattoo on my body!

* Starting Strongman group...
Mark: Zeus forbids it...
group: but we were taking vats of water to villages with no roads...

* grandpa, that's not how you play volleyball. smaller balls smaller balls!

* oh man that lawn chair brings back memories, the crisscross rainbow pattern, so Florida, so California

* girlie what are you doing!!? don't tip the rocking chair over your head like that! didn't Sanjay Gupta warn you about the latest internet fad challenge and concussions? damn young people not content with board games anymore...

* Mark: Rockbuggies group?
group: nope. we're actually living like Mad Max. this future is five years away...

* we're that show on The Weather Channel where burly bears lift steel ropes to stand up schoolbuses!

* Mark: ah, the Rocket Science Club, i was your only member in high school.
group: no, the I Don't Want To Live On This Planet Anymore Club

* Alcatraz triathletes are just escaping prisoners

* Rockhounds: crystal meth addicts

* Clonehenge: idea-stealers lazing around on comfortable fort pillows

* Stone Sculptors: V A P O R W A V E V I N Y L E A T E R S

* not shown: Chris Rock beating Sly Stallone the fuck down with one surprise uppercut and his deceptive loose-teeth smile

* Sly: you here for the fight?
Chris Rock: yep, Tyson. the other Tyson. white meat.
Sly: no, the fight of our lives. here to vote.

* Chris Rock: The Rock will make a good President...why do they call you Sly? related to the funk?
Sly: i'm a weird combination where i can't really act yet i'm a brilliant writer.


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Taco Bell will make me like buffalo chicken for the first time in my life...

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