Wednesday, February 5, 2020


Romney: see? i wouldn't have been that bad a President...

Mrs. Romney in the crowd: Romney's from Kaysville! Romney wants to fuck!

President Bump is at the Red Circle Table, folding his hands in prayer:

Bump: shakin' my damn head. Kobe, eh? what a shame, another victim of the Illuminati.

Rubikon: i'd kindly ask you to remove your fattest of asses from my seat but not even Sisyphus could move that weight. want something to drink? like a non-cum protein shake?

Bump: this tepid water is fine, it's Schiff's liberal tears. have you been following the trial?

Rubikon: uh, yeah.

Bump: no the Harvey Weinstein trial. wut? i got acquitted? OMG that is so awesome!!! but i have to tell ya, i'm BORED OUT OF MY SKULL here. i'm getting antsy. time for me to maybe get back into the real-estate game...

Bump sees Shakira on live tv doing the zaghrouta.

Bump: DEPORT HER INSTANTLY!!! that's a terrorist tongue-wag! nevermind, being President is too much fun.

at the Speech:

Nancy Pelosi: oh Mickey!

Bump: yes, my love?

Nancy: you owe me. you do know what a deficit is by now, right? this paper costs 5 dollars. your speech was worth 3 dollars...

Bump: okay Pence send Shaq over with some of that new printer-ink that's not printer-ink.

Nancy: hey, i'm throwing an afterparty at my office! everyone who voted the right way is invited! i got this big-ass silver Aztec-carved paper-shredder delivered to my table from Goofy himself. anything you want to shred, go for it, get some free therapy! we're filming a Super Bowl commercial in there!

Angus King: don't you miss having a King on cable tv? we all miss Larry. i'm more of a Burger King man myself, love their steak sandwiches. so, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Ari Melber: that is the GREATEST lyric ever in the rap game. i enjoy dunking my toast in milk.

Giuliani is going round the Room shaking Senators' heads and talking to their butts:

Rudy: hey who did the Midnight In America film? what a John Wayne title! the optics alone will win the Oscar but that mood music tho! i need that cinematographer stat to do my stuff like that. in need of a boy to gloss up my stuff.

Buttigieg and Biden: okay so maybe Shadow Inc is not the best name for a company...

Pompeo: so i'm here stumping in Liberal, Kansas...…...ironic...

Bump: i like your style, Mike. i like Mike. using The Simpsons like that with subterfuge to suit your own ill-gotten ends and means. makes you relatable to the folk. it is owned by Fox after all, why not us and the U.S. using that content to our hearts' content.

Pompeo: didn't you do something similar, sir?

Bump: oh yea right, i was on The Nanny.

Robin Williams: that should have been MY show.

the Entertainment Tonight press asks Fran Drescher a question:

Fran Drescher: why did i allow Mickey on my show? i was a Republican back then. but you have to understand, times were WAY different back then. Mickey Bump was a cartoon character. he was fun and frivolous and harmless, the bumbling-rich stereotype. people still called him handsome.

Fran: i was doing my best to save American/Iranian relations with salve and weird laughs before it got too far. i got all my Arab friends together for a confab. Shakira. Rudi Bakhtiar. but by then Rudi was caught up in all that Fox sex bullshit.

Dirg: so THAT's why we never saw Rudi anymore! remember her? she was the HOTTEST thing in cable! the lavash lass of the landscape. she was scorching up CNN Headlines News!!! i watched that show religiously, BOTH meanings! then she completely disappeared off the pop-culture spectrum. and Iranian radar for that matter. and it takes a Hollywood movie set to sexplain the secret intricacies and inner workings of a network's filth and the truth finally comes out.

Jessica Simpson: i joined all this lady mess with my WW3 pledge. the Weight Watchers III pledge.

Fran proudly steps out outside her New York hotel holding hands with a mystery woman. this mystery woman proudly steps out into the night from the awning, it's Demi Lovato. the pair laugh into each other's lips as they climb together into the backseat of a taxicab with a toucan on its side. their giggles fog up the back-windows as the cab speeds off...

Eye Luggage: that Gretchen Whitmer is fucking hot! she could be Harley's mother!

Dirg: yeah she has that glassy-eyed Stepford-wife creepiness to her. dyeing your hair from brown to red, does that work?

Eye: you jealous?

Laertus: me? uh, well, sure i am that you love such a fine upstanding woman!

later that afternoon, Eye Luggage visits Cathy Yan at Princeton to see if she or her ex can get cast as Harley in Cathy's film. if not, Eye wants to make sure Julia Ioffe gets cast as Harley.

Eye: a favor for a friend. so he notices me.

Cathy: sorry, i'm casting Fairuza Balk as Harley. perfect casting. Fairuza was BORN to play Harley like that dude was born to play the creepy guy from Clockwork Orange.

Rubikon is up on stage in Auditorium W:

Rubikon: folks, amirite? i mean thank god the holidays are over! but it's not truly over until the last trash is picked up. right? when that trash gets taken by the trashmen---on Saturday cos Wednesday is New Year's---THEN it's over. THAT's the trash that carries all your holiday-party secrets in it.

the crowd whistles. a heckler interrupts the niceties and proceedings:

heckler: fuck you. the Dems don't believe in God! why aren't you bombing Iran right now? we should be raping all their women.

the crowd boos.

Rubikon: great, another one. another one of you guys, huh? you red-hat infested cockroaches. i was willing to give you a pass, thought maybe you got traded to the Phillies, Chris Matthews's team. when they go low we go high. well look at me, boy, i'm high. high up here on this raised stage, this dais. you're down there with the cockroaches. come up on stage, boy, and we'll settle things once and for all. my magnum to your cock.

the crowd cheers and claps.

Rubikon: *subdued smirk* look at this clown. folks, look at this faggot. you're a ball player, right? you played professional baseball. sadly you played for the San Francisco team, and none of that grand city's beautiful gorgeous cultural diversity got into your peabrain to jog it and finally work right did it. seeped into your soul. you're as stubborn and stupid as ever. a real man's man. you never had to attract your wife with Redbottoms, right? just the natural meaty man's musk of your sweat glands. one lick of your barbecued nutsack and she was hooked and all yours to beat. the baha coming off your balls. you even wore a thong once. but you did it for the wrong reasons, not for team unity or for a lark. you wore the thong to make a point. well i'm a different type of Dem, one you may not have seen nor realized nor encountered before in your daily travels. this is my version of they go low we go high.

Rubikon hits with a punch that breaks the man's face and leaves him with a bloody nose.

the crowd claps cautiously.

Rubikon: THAT's how you win the culture wars, folks. THAT's your counter. THAT's how you make a point. THAT's how you win an argument in this day and age. with a high uppercut. i WILL strike back at Iran if i am your President.

the crowd erupts violently as if a great centuries-long valve has just been pierced.

Madame Pons is at the library counseling Henry inbetween breaks from her card-cataloguing electronically:

Pons: join me at Higher Dose Sauna for a special showing. i got you, Henry.

once there, Henry shows up opens the neon door and enters a purple room. he is carrying a dimebag and a bag of dimes for any combination of drugs he might need.

Henry: oh this is cool. good, i need this room, my back is killing me from tests everyday!

Pons: do you hear my disembodied voice?

Henry: yes. but not now.

Pons: that's cos i'm speaking in a very low voice. so low no one can hear it. you hear that faint scratching?

Henry looks down and his shoes are gone. his toes are cold on the tile.

next door Vanessa Bayer is getting a facial as part of her Massage Envy commercials:

Vanessa: jealous? that's a standard SNL line. no i'm not that girl, i can't imagine what Kobe's wife is going through. gonna need more than aspirin. i'm Jack Bauer. i beat you at your own game, Cecily, my campaign's WAY better than your trash Triscuit campaign. way better writing, way better jokes.

Cecily Strong: tru but i ain't stressin' so much i need a facial. i can get any facial i want. look at my bottom! look at my tits! both sets so big they can handle the cock of any man on earth! from magnums to miniatures, all slide in and all never come out. get pinched and pierced and disappear into my bosom and cakes. my traps is sticky. i will always be in control when faced against a man. my body is impossible to massage cos it's so big and grand and statuesque and amazonian. I GOT THE ULTIMATE HOT DOG BUNS.

Maria LaRosa at The Weather Channel: Happy National Weatherperson's Day, Goody!

Goody Paul: i really wanted to be a sportscaster...get my PhD in sports science from Princeton...

Laertus: the reason i loved the The Weather Channel personalities from jump is i have a lot in common with them. we all understand appreciate and love science, that's a building block to friendship...

Jodie Whittaker is in the dorm room:

Jodie: Lucas Till looks like Doctor Who! he looks like me! he---i mean me---is a farmer...

Jodie: but seriously, Infinity Train Second Trip was wonderful! what a trip! i was like a catlady on catnip! i'm an expert when it comes to time and modes of travel and transportation. and trans characters. but then suddenly this show becomes Minority Report...

Joe Pera is banging on the door demanding to be let in so he can teach his Princeton class on music theory:

Diane Neal: you're just a high middle-school teacher, Joe. you're a choir coach. you're lowly and true. how can someone with extreme anxiety like you have teach kids? are we ever gonna see your cat? what's with the dude who scales your roof every episode with a ladder, who the hell is that guy!? if you're not gonna go the school-shooter route, the next-exciting thing would have been to have that affair with Sue Melsky, she's the Michigan version of milf.

Joe: Marquette milf.

Diane: that would have been interesting to explore. when Mike Melsky finds out he kills you with his bare hands. and you keep it secret from your girlfriend Sarah Conner, too. when Sarah finds out, obviously she terminates you on live tv. now THAT's a series finale!!!

Joe: ...

Gladyce eventually joins Nina Cosford by touching and holding and joining hands in the dark. Nina introduces her to the rest of the girls in the room, the lights go up in The Orchid studios.

Gladyce: the Orchid Girls! i've heard such stories! a legend to be here! i'm honored. the revolutionary printing presses themselves.

Nina: over there we have the dry plate...

Gladyce: ah yes, Doryce told me about this. this is what was used to get away with porn in the old days.

Nina: think back to any stories, any trips you and your honey Doryce took together that would make interesting copy.

Gladyce: well there was that one time we went to Degraves Street. the Melbourne bazaar. it was dead. filled with Degrassi wannabes from Australia, they tried to make that Australian Degrassi, remember that show dears? but what's most top of mind for me is the student caf. that milk. that milk looks expired. i am TERRIFIED of my milk expiring! sometimes i throw it all away into the toilet even if there's a week left cos my tongue simply cannot stomach a piece of milk chunk.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: those commercials. Ridged Pringles simply cease to be Pringles if they're ridged. no matter what the milf says. and that Weight Watchers commercial that throws shade on Noom's psychology, like don't eat the crazy chips.

Eye: Yellowbeard and go...

Laertus: you know i only noticed this till now. when i watched Monty Python as a kid, it was harmless fun. but now i see the seeds of the world's destruction in it. the Monty Python crew is a boy's club, a frat, the seeds of the alt-right in Britain. i mean you see how they treat women in their movies. all the women are indiscriminately naked showing their tits and bush while the men get off scot-free!

Eye: before Brexit. the time when jokes could be dirty. agreed, love, and all the Python men are old geezer gammons now. well except for maybe John Cleese.

Dirg: hey, Madeline Kahn is wearing clothes and a pushup-bra girdle as a shirt. KAAAHNNNN! and she's NOT portrayed as a drunk or dumb, in fact she invents prancercise to throw enemy pirates and the Lady Crown off Kahn's x-marks-the-spot. everyone who made this film said it was the worst film ever made and they ever made, which is racist to Cheech & Chong. i see this film as Pirate Holy Grail, that's how i got into Princeton here, said that in my interview. anyway i choose to honor Graham Chapman by watching this film, this was Graham Chapman's wet dream before he expired, Graham Chapman never wanted to be on tv, Graham Chapman wanted to roam the seven seas in a nonwaterproof safari hat as an adventure-club youth...

Laertus: it's the whole "rape" thing, like Yellowbeard uses rape continuously, but as a joke, it's casual. it's piratey. like as long as everything's a joke it's fine.

Dirg: Cheech tho. that must have hurt to bang his head against stone like that. and who knew Chong could speak the Queen's English so loverly?

Pat Sajak talks to Alex Trebek's butt:

Alex: what are you doing, Pat?

Pat Sajak: chasing tail. i mean chasing bail. here's all the money i stole from the bank for your cure. Susan Collins called me Mowgli so i dressed up for the robbery in a Tigger costume...

Eye: again with the map on a body part. did no one shave their heads in pirate times?

Laertus: for fear of exposing their lice and limeless Lyme.

Eye: and again with the Waterworld beach! or perhaps it should be referred to as Piano Beach from now on. all women are golddiggers? do tell. once again Peter Boyle is on the case! come on, you use Bowie for a cheap cameo? Bowie should have been Yellowbeard!

Dirg: i liked the girl who threw shit, that's my kind of woman! i want her as my flower girl at my wedding. i enjoyed Cleese in this, i wish he were my preacher. at least my priest. Marty Feldman's googly-eyes got him more poon than he ever coulda if he had been straight, it pays to be struck by lightning...

Eye: this is basically Water Conan The Barbarian...

Dirg: the lesson here being the only way to be a man is to kill your own father. g'night, folks.

Pat for a good portion of the semester has been trolling the halls taking out long piles of large books from the library, surveying them for clues, not studying them. tomes of Russian literature mostly. and Jewish history, the right kind. and some George Bernard Shaw thrown in there for good measure. he bumps into Cotard who is in the middle of the stairwell having closed his eyes and stood still silently for five minutes, his fingers in a triangular prayer clasp touching his lips.

Pat: hello, father. you haven't moved for five minutes straight.

Cotard: i am a chaplain. just a shepherd of God trying to teach science here in one of these rooms. science is just art. i use all the 5 minutes to really think about the victims. to really think about the unrealness of Kobe. to ponder and contemplate a 1-0 final score in American football. that really fucks with my head. i need medication after that meditation, got any drugs? my students always provide, i always learn from my students. where to get it on campus.

Pat: sorry father, i'm about to bump into an old friend.

Pat hopes to see Julia Ioffe in the room, but also not. but there she is!

Pat: oh i love your red hair!

Julia: yeah i decided since i love ScarJo so much. actually cos i love ScarCO! that speech from the President scared me.

Pat: what? i thought nothing intimidated you.

Julia: no it's just 4 more years will completely undo our little 300-year-old social experiment here. i do NOT want to move back to Russia. i saw you at the library earlier.

Pat: you did?

Julia: hey, join me in my room later. and surprise me with what your feet are gonna wear, pick out something good.

Pat: what? i thought you were rid of me.

Julia: yeah it's boyfriend is always not here...he's up there giving Instagram speeches, speeches on he's doing right now...:

Michael Weiss: that's the thing with Instagram. it CAN be a tool for good. use Instagram to keep yourself accountable when you're trying to lose weight. a pic of you and commenters won't lie to your fat face, they won't make you feel good nor give you false hope nor skewed results, you'll be fat to them no matter what...

Julia: i know you're trying to compete---that's so cute!---so i'll help you out. so btw THIS is my boyfriend's favorite book...

Julia hands Pat Goodnight Moon.

No comments: